UPJOKE
stemplantcarrotformsoilleafsourcesolutionparsnipradishwatersetgrowchicoryturnip

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

Some people like root vegetables...

Some people don't really carrot all

This is my only pun about root vegetables

but I keep hoping another one will turnip

How do you turn root beer into beer?

Put it in a square cup!

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81

He said, "no".

Women Are Like Square Roots

If they're under 25, just do them in your head.

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

What’s the square root of 69 ?

Ate something

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.

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a dog walks into a bar

he orders a root beer and a plate of fries.

“holy shit!” bartender says, “a talking dog, you should join the circus!”

“circus?” the dog says, “why, are they hiring an electrician?”

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

If 666 is so evil,

Then 25.8069 must be the square root of all evil.

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

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Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov said yesterday that Adolf Hitler had Jewish roots. Historians replied...

"Oooh, So that's why he killed himself..."

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A Frenchman, an American and an Australian are in a pub...

And the Frenchman says, "When I make love to my wife she’s in such ecstasy her body rises centimetres off the bed."

The American, not to be outdone, replies, "When I have sex with my wife she’s having so much fun she rises inches off the bed."

They both then look at the Australian and ...

Which guy does cheese always root for?

Volone. The cheese is provolone.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

Do you know what square roots of negative numebrs and your girlfriend have in common?

They're both imaginary.

Who's rooting for the Bengals to win the superbowl more than anyone?

Jared Goff.

What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1?

They both are imaginary.

I just joined a gang called square root 2

Because I'm irrational

A blonde at a job application

Interviewer: Okay before we move forward with your application. We're just gonna ask you a few simple questions.

Blonde: Okay no problem fire away!

Interviewer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Oh that's easy! 4!

Interviewer: Very good! And what's the square root of 100?

Blonde...

How do you know if money is the root of all evil?

Isreal and Palestine have been divided by a bank for decades!

Why do plants hate math?

Because it gives them square roots!

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Extraction

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an ins...

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

What’s the square root of Minecraft?

There’s three, actually. The potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

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Sex is like math.

Subtract your girlfriend's clothes, square root her, divide her legs, add your penis, and hope you don't multiply.

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

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a kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation...

A kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation.

Bartender:Don't see to many kangaroos in here, what can I get ya?
Kangaroo: I'm not feeling myself, want something that takes me back to my roots.

The bartender pours a beer and gives it to the kangaroo. The kangaroo drinks it.

K...

What is the world’s most influential root vegetable?

Rupert Burdock

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

While I don’t believe Belichick is rooting for Brady, I absolutely believe Bob Kraft wants Brady to win one more before he retires...

What can I say? Bob Kraft just loves a happy ending.

It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month.

Go Bills!

My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

What do you get when you square root a Muslim?

Radical Islam.

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

If people in Bangkok had a favorite NFL team, what team would they root for?

The Thai-tans

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