UPJOKE
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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

So I poured my root beer in a square glass

Now I am left with just beer...

I have to say that my girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect ten but sadly, she’s imaginary.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81

He said, "no".

What’s the square root of 69 ?

Ate something

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Russian foreign minister, Sergei Lavrov said yesterday that Adolf Hitler had Jewish roots. Historians replied...

"Oooh, So that's why he killed himself..."

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

Who's rooting for the Bengals to win the superbowl more than anyone?

Jared Goff.

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

Which guy does cheese always root for?

Volone. The cheese is provolone.

“What’s the square root of -1?”

Me: i-



Short but I like it

What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1?

They both are imaginary.

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

I just joined a gang called square root 2

Because I'm irrational

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

How do you know if money is the root of all evil?

Isreal and Palestine have been divided by a bank for decades!

what did 16 say to 4 when

2 was not invited to 4's party?

Never forget your roots.

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

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How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

What’s the square root of Minecraft?

There’s three, actually. The potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

What is the world’s most influential root vegetable?

Rupert Burdock

A Scottish Terrier walks into a bank

He sits at the desk of the Loan Officer, a Ms. Patty Black. He asks if he’s eligible for a small business loan.

“Do you have any collateral?”, Patty asks.

“I do have this,” replies the Terrier, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small porcelain figurine.

“I’m not sur...

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

It takes a New Yorkers mentality to root for a football team named after something you dread getting every month.

Go Bills!

While I don’t believe Belichick is rooting for Brady, I absolutely believe Bob Kraft wants Brady to win one more before he retires...

What can I say? Bob Kraft just loves a happy ending.

A Blonde decides she want to join the police...

She goes down to her local station & starts applies to join.


The Sergeant calls her over & says, 'before you join, I need to ask you a few questions'


1st Question: 'What's 2+2?'


Blonde says: 'that's easy 4'


2nd qstn: 'What the square root o...

Do you come from a family of math nerds?

If you do, then you have square roots!

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

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did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

If people in Bangkok had a favorite NFL team, what team would they root for?

The Thai-tans

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

The square root of -1 walks into a bar.

The bartender looks on, amazed, and says "This is unreal."

Since I keep seeing jokes like this, here's a proper Aussie one.

Why is a wombat like a man on a one night stand?

A wombat eats roots, shoots and leaves.

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

What is almost the coolest root vegetable of them all?

Radish

All the mathematical functions are having a party

The polynomials are dancing, the square root function is drinking, yet the exponential function remains to the side.

so the inverse function asks what's wrong.

To which the exponential function responds: whether I integrate or not, nothing will change, now leave.

(courtesy ...

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