What do you call a pear tree that walks, talks, and has a son?

Isn't it obvious? I think it's a pear Ent.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magician: And for my next trick I will dissapear

Magician: Fuck you pear you taste like shit

I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear...

"What's this for? he asked.

I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m so depressed I’m having sex with a pear

I’m in dispear

I used to weep over my poor apple harvest.

Then I grew a pear.

What did the papa pear tree say to his child pear tree who was too afraid to grow his first fruits?

Son? Grow a pear.

A classmate asked me if pears grow in America.

I told her to grow a pair and find out.

Where do you take your pear tree when it runs out of pears?

...................the re-pear shop

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Guys With Heavy Brooklyn Accents Get Invited To A Costume Party.

The theme for this party is "Dress Like an Emotion." The first guy is wearing a pear costume. The second guy is wearing a dress. And the third guy is butt-naked except for a custard pie around his pecker.

They ring the doorbell. The host opens the door, sizes them up, and says "You guys aren'...

What did the apple say to the pear?

No idea. I figured if anyone knew what fruits talked about it would be you.



Aaaannnd here come the downvotes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Naked man and a pear

A man who just received a promotion at his job wanted to throw a party to celebrate. He was so happy that he decided to make it a costume party with the theme being "emotions".
Night of the party the first person to show up was painted and dressed all in blue.
The host said, " Oh, you're the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Halloween in Jamaica

It's Halloween in Jamaica and some friends are organising a costume party. Everyone's told that the theme of the party is Moods and Feelings.

One the night itself, there's a knock on the door and when the host opens it, standing on the porch are two guys, completely naked, except for the fact...

A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of t...

When does a pear become a pair?

When one appears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing, but has his dick buried in a pear...

Horrified, the host asks, "What are you supposed to be?" To which the man replies, "I'm deep-in-dis-pear." The host chuckles and lets him.

A few minutes later there is a knock on the door, and the host finds a man with his dick in bowl of vanilla custard. "What are you supposed to be?" the h...

My buddy told me he was too afraid to grow apples.

I was like, “bro, grow a pear.”

What's a twin's favorite fruit?

Pears.

What does the farmer’s wife tell him when he tells her that he’s to afraid to grow vegetables?

Just grow a pear!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asked the son.
...

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Sonic the Hedgehog was chilling at home

He was staying at home today because it was Dress-How-You-Feel day, Amy’s favorite holiday, and he just wanted to lay low and not have to deal with the drama. There was nothing in the fridge though, so he ordered some food.

Eventually there came a knock at the door. “I hope these are my chill...

I've been secretly tossing pears at my neighbor for a couple weeks now

I can hear him talking to his wife about government drones trying to drive him crazy, but he's just pear annoyed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The chief released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is having a costume party

A man is having a costume party where everyone is to come dressed as an emotion. After setting up everything for the party the doorbell rings.

The man goes to answer the door and sees to large Iranian men standing naked on his door step. One man has a pie over his genitals, while another see...

Which fruit always comes in groups of 2?

Pears

What do you get with two fruits?

A pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the twin fruit fetishists?

The cum in pears.

What do you call a Tolkien tree creature that bears a certain type of fall fruit?

I don’t know either, but it should be A Pear Ent.

The Purple Pirate

This is not a good joke, my Dad told it to me years ago and I haven't seen it here yet.

There was once a purple pirate who sailed the 7 purple seas. One purple day, as the sky was clear and purple the purple pirate landed his purple ship on a purple island.

The Purple pirate explored t...

When I brought up to someone that I was starting a fruit farm he thought I was extremely non-masculine

He sent a lot of mixed messages when he told me to Grow a Pear

Why do charged particles have a fetish for fruit?

Because they’re always coming in pears.

Is it just me or does oddly shaped fruit really get on your nerves?

Eh, maybe I'm just being pear-annoyed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Juliana throws a theme party with guests told to come dressed as a feeling or emotion ...

Vinny shows up with his face covered with question marks the size of zits.

“And yous supposed to be what?” Juliana asks.

“Imma riddled with doubt,” Vinny grins, and he’s welcomed in.

Two hours later, the last guests, Tony and Joe, turn up completely naked except for a pear and a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

The thing about people with fruit fetishes...

Is that they usually come in pears

Why is there no such thing as a punapple?

Because the best puns come in pears.


(Original joke made up by me and my friend the other day as we were high and ate pineapple... the asparagus guy inspired me to share)

Fruitiphile

You've got to be careful if you find one fruitiphile, because they normally come in pears

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The costume party

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!", and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of ...

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy moves into a new apartment complex and decides to throw a party to meet the neighbours.

He decides the theme of the party is to dress up as a feeling (e.g. red for angry, blue for sad, etc).

The party is going off without a hitch and he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door to find two Jamacian guys standing there stark naked.

One has his dick...

Three Homemade Jokes (Puns) ENJOY

Two worms are going through a pantry. They go through some apples, pears, and other things. After a while, they get STUCK, in something hard and green. One says to the other, "Man, we really got ourselves into a pickle."

An archaeologist is going through an underground cave and comes across a...

I used to be afraid of gardening...

...but then I thought I'd grow a pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do members of the Fruit Fuckers Association always stick together?

They always cum in pears.

Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist...

They come in pears.

The guy at the Apple store looked at me funny when...

I asked him to pear my device

A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....

The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.

The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor...

The squirrel and the elephant

A squirrel lives in his very own pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

"What are you doing climbing my tree!?" screams the squirrel

"I'm coming up to have some pears," says the elephant.

"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was hosting an "emotion" party for all of his friends.

In the invitation for the party he said that all of his friends should arrive in different outfits that depict different emotions.Everything was normal when some people showed up wearing green for envy, or red for anger. Suddenly two men he had never seen before strutted in completely naked except f...

A customs officer is inspecting fruit for pests....

**Dock Worker:** Do you think there's any bugs in this shipment?

**Officer:** Yeah, I'd even bet that there's an even number of them in there.

**Dock Worker:** ....How can you tell?

**Officer:** Because bugs always come in pears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My husband is a pussy and wont decide what kind of fruit tree to plant in our front yard.

I told him to grow a pear.

The Kings English

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don...

My dad always thought I wasn't man enough to become a fruit farmer...

... I proved him wrong by growing a pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Indian lads go to a party

Two Indian lads get invited to a fancy dress party, the theme is... ‘come as an emotion’

After much thought the lads think they have it sorted and get prepped for the big night. They get naked, grab their props and head down the hall to where the party is at.

The host is letting peopl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

I tried to put two apples together

But then I got a pear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I showed up at the Hallowing party wearing only a pair of jeans..

When I was asked what I was I answered "a Premature Ejaculation!".

My colleague replied with "What? .. I don't get it.. you're just wearing a pear of jeans.."

To which I said "Yup, I just came in my pants".

Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

What did the vegetable couple say to the fruit couple?

You two make a nice pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty

He says "what have you come as?"

She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"

The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest

He says "...

What did the farmer do to prove he's tough?

Grew a pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's two guys from Brooklyn.

Two guys from Brooklyn attend a special party in Manhattan. It's a costume party where you are supposed to come dressed up as your emotion. So this guy is dressed in all red because he's angry. Another dude is green, with envy, etc.

So the two guys from Brooklyn walk in. One of them is comple...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl was having a costume party...

(My favorite joke told to me by my uncle a long time ago)

A girl was having a costume party, and decided that the theme of the party was going to be emotions. So she puts one of her friends at the door to make sure everyone coming in is dressed like a emotion.

Well the party is going ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mexican man is throwing a Halloween party...

The only requirement was to come dressed as an emotion.

On the night of the party, Juan was the first to arrive. The host opens the door to see Juan dressed in all red. "Juan what are you doing? You were supposed to come dressed as an emotion!"
"I have" said Juan, "I'm red hot passion"...

I'd also like to share a joke from my grandpa: "Fruit Salad"

Two man sit next to each other inside a train. One of them takes an apple, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into a bowl. Next, he takes a pear, peels it, cuts it into pieces, and puts it into the bowl as well. The other man notices and asks him: "Excuse me, may I ask what you are doing the...

I know you can't compare apples to oranges...

...but two apples do make a pear.

A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.

"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."

"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.

"Twin Syndrome?"

"You only come in pears."

A Squirrel in Sitting in a Tree Eating Some Nuts When Suddenly the Tree Starts to Shake Violently.

He looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," says the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says "I kno...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes

December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today ...

What got the apple into skydiving?

Pear pressure.

Do you think an orange wants to be juice?

Or is it just pear pressure?

White Elephant

An old farmer is tending his crop one day when he spies a white elephant trampling the edge of his field. He knows that there are four different types of elephants in his area: red elephants, blue elephants, purple elephants, and white elephants.

To kill a blue elephant you use a blue elep...

A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day it starts to shake and rock...

... so he looks outside and he sees a large elephant trying to climb up the tree.

"What the hell!" the squirrel exclaims. "What the hell do you think you're doing climbing up this tree?!"

The elephant responds. "I'm climbing up here to eat pears."

The squirrel is befuddled. "You...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People with a fruit fetish are never lonely...

They cum in pears.

Scared of eating genetically modified fruit?

Grow a pear.

I should probably take up growing fruit trees

Because people keep telling me I should grow a pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emotions Party

A guy decides to throw an emotions themed party and he invites all his friends. He sets up his apartment with snacks, including chips and soda, puts on some good emotional 80s ballads and waits for his friends to arrive.

He hears a knock-knock at the door, goes to open it and sees a person dr...

What type of fruit do twins prefer?

Pears.

Did you hear about the twins with a fruit fetish? (May be NSFW)

They came in pears

My mate was freaking out today, crying and all. He had no idea how he was going to become the fruit farmer he'd always dreamed of being.

I told him to grow a pear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank invites Tony and Vito to a party (nsfw-ish)

Frank, Tony, and Vito are 3 friends from Brooklyn. One week Frank is having a party at his house and invites Tony and Vito. It's a theme party; "dress as your favorite mood"

The day of the party comes and Frank answers a knock on the door. Standing there ass-naked are Tony and Vito, except th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The fancy dress party

Steve and Jeff went to a fancy dress party. The theme was "Emotions".

Jeff turns up, stark naked with his dick in a pear. Steve turns up, stark naked, his dick in a bowl of custard.

"What did you two come as?"

Jeff: "I'm deep in despair, Steve is fucking disgusted"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Emotions

Three guys are walking home when they spot a house party, they get to the door and realize it's costume only, one of them notices a red can of paint in the garbage and paints his face red walks to the door a says I'm red with anger, second guy spot a green can of spray paint and sprays his face sayi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For my cake day, here is a joke

Two guys get invited to a costume party. The invitation says that all costumes need to be of an emotion. So they think about it and figure out their costumes. The day of the party comes and the first guy gets completely naked, gets a bowl of custard and sticks his dick in it. The second guy also...

A man walks into the produce section of a grocery store

He stares longingly at the apples for several minutes before letting out a long sigh, grabbing a pear, and trudging to the checkout. He sits in the parking lot, takes out a paring knife, and unenthusiastically slices up and eats the fruit. He carefully wipes the knife clean with his handkerchief, di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

'Emotions' Party

[Disclaimer: this joke requires the reader to imagine an ethnically appropriate accent. For this reason, it is probably better spoken than read.]

A bouncer was hired for a party with the theme 'Emotions'. Although it was open house, people could enter only under one condition: their outfits v...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jamaican men are invited to a costume party…

The invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”. Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of cu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A weird Ass French Party!

So, a french guy decides that he's going to have a themed masquerade party and everyone has to come dressed as an "emotion". The night of the party comes and he hears a knock at the door...

Host: Bonjour Pierre! You are all dressed in green. What emotion could you be?
Pierre: I am green wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jamaicans...

***If you have a thing against bad accents, you're going to have a bad time.***

...Are browsing thru some generic, privately-owned shop. On their way out one of them remarks, "Dere's nuting to do in dis town." The couple who owns the shop overhears this while clerking at the front counter and...

A monkey climbs a banana tree

So a monkey climbs a banana tree one day and is astonished to see a fully grown elephant sitting in it.

"what are you doing here?" asks the monkey.

"eating these pears," said the elephant, holding up a pear.

"but this is a banana tree," said the monkey.

"I know" said the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Costume Party

A man is having a costume party and the theme is emotions. When the man answered the door to the first guest, he sees a man painted green with the letters N and V on his chest. The man says that he is dressed as " Green with NV."

The second guest arrives and she is dressed in pink and covered...