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Celery Jokes

Do vegans get paid hourly or celery?

That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.

I hate shopping for celery this time of year.

Seems like they’re always out of stalk.

How do you sneak up on celery?

You stalk it.

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

Being stuck inside for a long time due to Covid, my wife started having recurring nightmares about how our house is made of celery.

Doctors think it is stalk home syndrome.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

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I went to the E.R. with celery in my ears and a drumstick up my butt

The doctor told me that I needed to start eating right.

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

‘Are you stalking me?’

I've started crossbreeding marijuana and vegetables

Maybe I'll earn a higher celery.

So a guy walks into the doctor's office with a celery stick in each ear and a carrot in each nose nostril...

He mumbles to the doctor "I think there's something wrong." to which the doctor replies "I don't think you're eating right."

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Who do you hang out with, a strawberry, a celery stick or a mushroom?

The mushroom because he's a fungi.

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Why were all the other vegetables afraid of celery?

because celery stalks

I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good.

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water,

and it's 100% not pizza.

What does pubic hair and celery have in common?

Just move it to the side and keep eating.

I was recently made redundant from my job at the Greengrocers



They gave me a months Celery, and four leeks in lieu of notice

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

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How does my basement taste?

Celery.

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

Why did the vegetarian turn down the job at the green grocers?

The celery was unacceptable!

I applied to be a vegetable farmer..

They said they won’t pay me hourly they’ll pay me celery!

How did the vegetables ask to be paid more?

Leetuce have a raisin celery

Why did the man ask his boss for more salad?

He thought he was due a celery increase.

George goes to see a hooker. It’s his 50th birthday and although still single, he needs to celerate. [nsfw]

So off he goes to the ladies of pleasure and sees a rather big woman he wants to “go to town with”. In he goes, starts to go down when suddenly he feels something stuck between his teeth. He uncomfortably pauzes and tries to take out what appeared to be a piece of carrot. A bit weirded out because h...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables

The celery was unacceptable

Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

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A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that ma...

I want a pet turkey....

Days leading up to Thanksgiving I will feed it bread crumbs, onion, celery, some garlic cuz why not and a mix of other things....

Maybe replace some water with wine? mmmmm



follow me for more recipes (\^-\^)

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

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Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but the celery's nice.

Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

Astute Diagnosis

A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a greengrocers.

She asks the clerk "Can I have some broccoli?"

The clerk says "I'm sorry but I don't have any broccoli. Would you like celery instead?"

The woman says "No thanks, I'll just have some broccoli."

"Ma'am I don't think you understand, I don't have any broccoli. Perhaps some cabbage?...

At the doctors

A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils.
He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
Whereupon the doctor replied, "Perhaps you're not eating right."

How do you make a vegan happy?

Give them a celery increase

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A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

Children's jokes gone bad #1

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Although stalking is a crime, 7 had an addiction.

7 would sit outside 6's window with a different celery stalk each night, and caress it. Then, when 7's hands were raw, 7 would eat the stalk one slow bite at a time, and smile, 7's teeth filled with fibrous strand...

Doctor's Visit

A man goes to the doctor and complains he's not feeling well.

The doctor looks at him and notices he has a stick of celery up one nostril a carrot up the other and broccoli sticking out of his ears.

The doctor says " I know what's wrong,your not eating properly"!

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