Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman runs into a man at the grocery store

Woman: Hi there!

Man: Do you know me?

Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids.

Man: Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?

Woman: No......

Who do you hang out with, a strawberry, a celery stick or a mushroom?

The mushroom because he's a fungi.

Why was the celery arrested?

It was accused of stalking.

Do vegans get paid hourly or celery?

That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the supermarket today to do shopping, when I noticed an attractive young woman waving at me…

She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from.

So I asked her, “Sorry, do I know you?”

She replied, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have e...

A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.

A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"

The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a veget...

So a guy walks into the doctor's office with a celery stick in each ear and a carrot in each nose nostril...

He mumbles to the doctor "I think there's something wrong." to which the doctor replies "I don't think you're eating right."

I was going to tell a celery joke

but it might become a laughing stalk.

O_o

Why were all the other vegetables afraid of celery?

because celery stalks

What does pubic hair and celery have in common?

Just move it to the side and keep eating.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

It was a dark time in Vegetable Land.

The neighboring Fruit Kingdom had launched an invasion months before, and the starchy defenders had fallen quickly to the acidic and citric attackers. After a long campaign, the country had finally fallen and only a few vegetables could meet underground to discuss the future of the resistance. At th...

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

How did the bag of fertilizer help the vegetable farmer pay his mortgage?

It raised his celery...

At the doctors

A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils.
He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
Whereupon the doctor replied, "Perhaps you're not eating right."

Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but the celery's nice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs Omalley needs vegetables

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she ...

How do you make a vegan happy?

Give them a celery increase

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a greengrocers.

She asks the clerk "Can I have some broccoli?"

The clerk says "I'm sorry but I don't have any broccoli. Would you like celery instead?"

The woman says "No thanks, I'll just have some broccoli."

"Ma'am I don't think you understand, I don't have any broccoli. Perhaps some cabbage?...

Why did the chef quit his job?

They cut his celery

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why you shouldn't be unfaithful.

A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket.

'Do i know you?' he asks.

She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?'

He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says

'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my bud...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She re...

I applied for a job recently because it offered something that would appease my vegetable fetish.

Apparently an 'attractive celery' means something different.

Astute Diagnosis

A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear. He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."
The doctor says,"You're not eating right."

Children's jokes gone bad #1

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Although stalking is a crime, 7 had an addiction.

7 would sit outside 6's window with a different celery stalk each night, and caress it. Then, when 7's hands were raw, 7 would eat the stalk one slow bite at a time, and smile, 7's teeth filled with fibrous strand...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...