What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

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Hitler was a penis potato

He was a dick-tater

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

A potato had 3 daughters

When they were all grown up, the first one came to her father and said “daddy, daddy, I’m going to get married!”

Father potato asked to whom?

“To an Idaho potato!” Said the first daughter potato.

Father potato said “Idaho potatoes are very hearty and good lineage. He will be a g...

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A spec-tater

What do you call a crippled pothead?

A baked potato

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What is the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

How are Jeffrey dahmer and mr potato head similar

They keep body parts in there trunk

What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie

A Tator-Thot

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

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What do you call an extremely rude potato?

A dick tater.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man

None

Why potato ding dong?

Godzilla! (Can someone explain this to me? My 8-year-old told it to me and was really proud of it.)

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

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What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?

A Dictator.

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

How did the Potato Horse run?

It scalloped!

Why did the potato drop his girlfriend?

She was hot.

You know, Ireland has really made a comeback since the potato famine...

Everyday the population is Dublin

My Potato has been coughing terribly

I think it has Tuberculosis.

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

What did the Irish farmer name his potato plot?

Carb O'hydrate

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel?

A professional U-tuber.

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.

PS: No offense.

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

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On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream



Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside me

And...

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

What do you call a potato that uploads videos?

A you-tuber.

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

Potatos aren’t very attractive

...until they’ve been with someone appealing for a while.

What do you call a baby potato?

A small fry

How can you tell how fast a potato is going?

Check its spud-ometer.

I stuck a potato down my pants to impress the ladies...

But it just scared them away. I guess I should have stuck it down the front.

A guy at the beach hears from his friends that chicks will show more interest in you if you put a potato in your swim trunks.

He tries this for a while but gets flustered when all the girls keep pointing and laughing at him.
So his friends explain to him that you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit.

If you could be any kind of potato, what would you be?

I’d be a sweet potato, because I yam what I yam and that’s all I can be.

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

Helicopter flavored potato chips?

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.

Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same...

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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

What is something cannibals would consider as a hot potato?

A guy with a fever.

I have a tattoo of a Russet potato on my right shoulder, and of a Sweet Potato on my left.

They are my Tater Tats

I'd post a potato pun...

But I don't know where to starch.

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Wo...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

What do you call a good looking Irish potato Mum?

A yammy mammy

Why was the Potato fired from his job at the football stadium?

He was a horrible Commentater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend who is a chef got fired for getting his dick stuck in the potato peeler.

She was fired to.

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

What kind of job does your average potato have?

He's a common tater.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

Potato - patato

You say 'funeral', I say 'a really dead send off party'.

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