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Potato Jokes

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

what do you call a poor potato?

A po-tato! Ba-dum tss!

What do you call potatoes that aren't real?

Imitators

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you are Eveready I am Frito Lay

I just wrote a song about a sausage that I like to serve with mashed potatoes.

It's a banger.

What are Santa's favorite kind of potato chips?

Crisp Pringles

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

What do female potatoes use when they get their period?

Yampons.

Two potatoes are sitting in a field. Which one is the hooker?

It's the one with the stamp that says "Idaho."

What do you call a potato that hates women

A Pro-Tate-o

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Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the sticker that says I-da-ho.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

pie

In Jamaica you can buy a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.



In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.



...

What do you call a boat full of mean potatoes?

A dictatorship

what is an Arabic ruler's favorite flavor of potato chips?

Sultan vinegar.

Guy goes to a costume party dressed in a Speedo with a potato in the front. He knocks on the door of the party and the host says what are you suppose to be?

He says, “I’m a dictator”

What's the difference between corn and potatoes?

One has ears, the other has eyes.

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

What do you call a potato with no feet?

5$ to the first person who guesses!

What do you get when you cross a president with a potato?

A dictator.

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

What disease can you catch by eating too many potatoes?

Tuberculosis

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A man joins a ship's crew as a cook

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
...

The Russian Potato Crop The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad.

The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so many potatoes! We have made a huge mountain of them, that reaches all the way up to God." the Chairman says, "Don't be silly now, you know God doesn't really exist." The managers look at eac...

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.



A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

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I found a lump, so my doctor friend suggested that I have one of my testicles removed.

He really takes his mashed potatoes extremely seriously.

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

A farmer once hired a worker to help with his farm…

The first day, he assigned him to chop wood. By the end of the day, he had chopped more wood than 2 people. the farmer was amazed.
The second day, the farmer assigned him to mend fences. By the end of the day, he had fixed all of the broken fences on the farm. The farmer was astounded.
On th...

Two cannibals sat around a campfire

One turned to the other and said, "God, I hate my mother-in-law."

His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes."

Why does the tortilla chip always beat the potato chip in a debate?

The tortilla chip has a point.

A Farmer greets Joseph Stalin at his Potato Farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

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The Princess of Potatoes has to marry

King Tater instructs his daughter to choose a noble potato to wed.

The princess says, "Father, I have chosen. I want to marry Rachel Maddow."

"I WON'T HAVE IT!" yells King Tater in a fury.

"But Father, I never knew you would be homophobic," said the princess.

"It's not ...

A psychiatrist is testing his patients

He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replie...

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In math class. The teacher asks the class a question."How do you give 6 people an equal share of 9 potatoes?"...

Little Boris raises his hand, the teacher calls on him. "Easy. You make mashed potatoes." He answers.

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

A woman walks into a grocery store.

She heads to the produce aisle and sees a man stocking the shelves. “Excuse me where are your onions?”
“Ma’am we don’t have any onions today” the man replied.
“Nonsense, I know you have onions today” she replied.
“ ma’am we really don’t” he said again.
“ yes you do” was her response....

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

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Two Russian women are foraging through a previously harvested potato field.

One is lucky to find two large spuds. She holds them up and says,

“Deez potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles”

The other replies,

“Oh my, are dey dat big?”

“NO, dey are dis dirty”

How does a male potato chip mate with a female potato chip?

He Lay's on her.

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

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Freudian slip

A guy is talking to his buddy.
\-I made a total fool of myself today. I was talking to a very well endowed young woman at the airport and I said: "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh." She was embarrassed and so was I.
His buddy replies:
\-Yeah, it's called a Freudian slip. I had one...

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

I've never paid to watch a potato.

Edit - Cheers for my first award, much obliged.

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

I know potato jokes have been made

I’m just here to rehash them

Why did the potato start vlogging his day-to-day life?

He wanted to become a You Tuber.

A guy at a table I was waiting on today asked for extra mashed potatoes..

I told him they were as mashed as they could get!

I told my mom I wanted to have a potato pasta for dinner. Her response?

Gnocchi dokey.

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Why did the penis potato imprison all of his dissenters?

Because he was a dick tater.

Former US Vice President of the US Dan Quayle spelled the word ‘potato’ with an ‘e’ in it.

There’s no ‘e’ in potato, just a bunch of ‘i’s.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes.

Mary had a little lamb...

with mashed potatoes on the side.

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What happens when you combine Putin and a potato.

You'll get a dicktator. And vodka

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot...

Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

Why did the pie cross the road?

Because it was meetin' potato.

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

What do you call it when a potato takes over the world

A dictatership

What do you call a potato cutting Friar?

A Chip Monk.

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Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

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*Cannibals preparing a soup*

Two missionaries were sitting in a large pot of water as several cannibals built a fire under the pot.

Other cannibals were busy slicing potatoes, carrots and other vegetables an adding them into the pot with the two missionaries.

The water started getting hotter and hotter the missi...

what do you call a lazy kangaroo?

>!a pouch potato!<

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Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

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Why was the cruise full of penises and potatoes not popular?

It was actually a dick tater ship.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles?

Spectaters

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

Lady goes to the market to buy potatoes.

Lady: excuse me, sir, but are these potatoes genetically modified?

Grocer: probably, but what's it to you?

Potato: yeah, what's it to you?

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