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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

I know potato jokes have been made

I’m just here to rehash them

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

none

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

What do you call it when a potato takes over the world

A dictatership

What do you call a Trans potato?

A French fry

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

What do you get when you cross a llama and a sweet potato?

You get a Yyama!

Today I was counting potatoes

I was being quantipotative.

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles?

Spectaters

In my old neighborhood, we lived next to a family of rich potatos...

...we went over to have dinner at their mansion, and you could tell there was tension in the air. The father tater was fuming and the mother tater looked distraught. The daughter tater who looked very upset, finally broke the silence and said, 'but I want to marry Sean Hannity, I want to!' The fathe...

Mr. Potato Head will now be known as

Mr. Potatx

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

Did you know there are public speaking potatoes?

Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.

What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.

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What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato?

With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

I've never paid to watch a potato.

Edit - Cheers for my first award, much obliged.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

What do you call an authoritarian couch potato?

A dictator tot

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

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I walked in on kim jong-un with his penis inside a jacket potato...

I didn't know what to say, I'd never seen a dick-tater before

What's the only thing more Irish than eating potatoes?

Not having any potatoes to eat!

Three thieves went for thieving at a potato farmers house

They went into the storage to steal some potatoes. But after a while, the farmer eventually woke up. So, got into the storage to check what's happening. No options left, three thieves hid themselves into three different potato sacks.

The farmer poked the first sack and the first thief said "M...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

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Donner with my boss

I had dinner last week at my boss house, his wife offered me roasted potatoes she said " how many potatoes do you want?

" i said "one please"

she said "you don't have to be polite",

"one, you fat bitch" wasn't the proper answer

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

What's the most annoying kind of potato?

An agitator

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

What did the high potato say to the russet potato?

I'm baked

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

I have a compulsion to hurt myself with lumpy potatoes.

I think I'm a mashochist.

Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died.

He had brain tubers.

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A Spec-tator

My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?”

I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”

My wife: Huh?

Me: It’s Black Fry Day.

What goes through a potato's brain?

Tater thoughts.

What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up

Mashing

Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate?

It caused a huge traffic yam.

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?

In case Mr Onion Rings

What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes?

A pomme de terrier

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

Potato clock

A man was starting a new job and didn't want to be late. So he went to the clockmakers and asked to buy a Potato clock.

The clock maker was puzzled. "What's a Potato clock?"

The man replied "I don't know. I said to my wife that I didn't want to be late to work at 9 am, so she told me t...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

There is a family of potatoes, and one day...

There is a family of potatoes, and one day the eldest daughter walks in the front door, and exclaims "Daddy, Daddy, I'm getting married!" The father asks who she is marrying and she tells him she is getting married to a Yukon Gold. They father gets a big smile on his face and says "That is a amazing...

Went to the beach

When I was younger I was going to go the beach for the week. I ask my dad how I can meet girls? He tells me to put a potato in my pants and the girls will come to you! When I get home I go to my dad and tell him it didn’t work at all. Every time I went in the water all the girls went out and whe...

There are three people running from the cops. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and one was a blonde.

Eventually, they find a barn and try to hide from the police.

The brunette decides to hide in a haystack, the redhead decides to hide in a horse trough, and the blonde decides to hide in a bunch of potato sacks.

When the police come by the haystack, they hear a rustle.

"What was...

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine?

They discovered they could make alcohol out of them

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

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Choose a new password

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

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What do you call an asshole potato ruling a country?

A dick tater

How do potatoes get to space?

Using the starch ship enterfries

Potatoes are taking over the world...

They say it's the rise of the mashines

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What does one potato say to another when he’s horny?

Wanna hash?

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

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Mother in law and stairs

Two old friends meet each other after a long time:

A: Oh hey, what's new?

B: Nothing much, my mother in law died.

A: Oh really, damn, how?

B: She went downstairs to the basement to get some potatoes for lunch, fell and broke her neck.

A: That's tragic, what did you...

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

Why did the potato go to the doctor?

Because of tuber-colosis

A blonde a brunette and a redhead rob a bank

They’re in the middle of nowhere running from the police when they come across a barn with all the lights off. They decide to lay low in the barn for the night and wait for the heat to cool down. The farmer hears a commotion and decides to go down to investigate. The three women hear him coming and ...

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset.

She claims he won’t tater anywhere.

What kind of award do you get for being a #1 couch potato?

A trophy. Muscle atrophy.

Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak.

I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."

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Two old ladies are harvesting potatoes when one unearth two massive tubers.

"Sweet baby Jesus, they look like my husband's balls !"

"How, as big ?"

"No, as dirty !"

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

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I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak

I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there

Not my joke but its funny either way

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives it to him and says “That will be one dollar.” The man is shocked and asks the bartender why the drink is only one dollar. The bartender replies and says, “We’re doing a special sale today!” The man asks the bartender “Wha...

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

What do you call a passenger train made out of sweet potatoes?

A Yamtrack.

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

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Did you hear about the pirate whose only booty was dildos and potatoes?

They say he ran a dictatorship.

hiw did the Irish potato become bilingual?

He became a French Fry

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

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An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "G...

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

Bag of... potatoes?

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to ge...

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

3 lads are in a train

One from Italy, one from Germany and one from France. They don't have tickets and see the ticket inspector coming. They start to panic and run to the baggage Waggon to hide. The Italian jumps into a cabinet, the French into a big box and the German into a huge bag. The inspector following them but t...

This waitress asked me a really stupid question

She said, "how did you find your steak sir?"

I said, "well, I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was."

I was having dinner with my boss

His wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.

My favourite Tim Vine Joke

Two potato farmers are in a field

One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

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An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country ...

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

Boy comes up to his father, all angry.

He says, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

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When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

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