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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

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I tried coming up with a joke combining an anus and a potato with the punchline being prostato

But it was too much of a stretch.

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None

Why don't you give a zombie mashed potatoes?

Because they're already a little grave-y.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

What do you call a potato dominatrix?

A Mashochist.

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

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What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?

A dictator.

There was a competition of hiding potatoes and I won.

because my carbo-hide-rate was good.

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Two potatoes hanging out on a street corner, how can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Its the one that's stamped IDAHO

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know...

A little *dick-tater*

A commissar visits a potato farm

The party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ...

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Did you hear about the pirate whose only booty was dildos and potatoes?

They say he ran a dictatorship.

hiw did the Irish potato become bilingual?

He became a French Fry

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When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters!!!!

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato and a thrown pig?

One is a heated yam, the other is a yeeted ham.





I'll see myself out

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

what happens to a potato after the plot of soil it is growing in quadruples in value?

it becomes an affluent-tato

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2 Wives in a Potato Farm.

Wife1: (Holding a large potato) I could remember my husbands testicle resemblance in this potato.

Wife2: The size of it?

Wife1: No, I could remember how dirty it was...

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

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What do you call an evil potato?

A dick tater.

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A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

What do you call a potato on Kim Jong Un’s balls?

A dictator.



Came up with this in my history class haha

How do you get your dog to like mashed potatoes?

You gravy train

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What do you call a penis and a potato on a boat?

A dick-tatership

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They say Hitler used potatoes to treat his genital warts...

Talk about a Dictator.

Why do people like sweet potatoes?

Because they're yammy.

A red tractor turned into a field of potatoes

It was clearly a magic tractor

I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

What do ya call a fascist prick eating a potato?

A dictator!

What did the girl potato confess to her husband when he caught her cheating?

I-da-Ho.

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

What’s 500 feet long and only eats potatoes?

People in the Soviet Union waiting for food.

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

What do you use to carry potatoes?

A tater tote

Teenager Jamie stormed into the house furiously "Dad! You asked me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls there!!!"

"You did not specify it had to go in front!!!!!"

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Two men are sitting in a bar...

One man looks at the other and says "Wanna hear joke?"

"Sure"

"What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator!"

"Hahaha that's pretty good, but I have a better one. What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one!"...

I love cooking with potatoes.

It's very a-peeling.

What do you call a potato with a broom ?

A sweep potato.

You’re welcome

Three men stop for lunch

Three men stop for lunch on a construction site while working on the 10th floor. The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am going to jump off the building" And he opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly ju...

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

Did you hear about Richard Potato?

He’s a dictator.

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

What is even more Irish than a potato?

No potato.

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

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What do you call a potato that has sex every single night?

A French fry.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

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A girl and her potato

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her surprise the guy ...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

A male potato chip steps up to the bar and buys a drink.

He sees two female potato chips sitting nearby. He says to the one female potato chip, "Excuse me. Are you Herr's or Frito Lay?"

What is the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

I told my potato he makes a great commentator when we watch sports.

He said "who ya callin' common?"

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

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Mrs. O’Malley walks into see her grocer, Tom, one afternoon.

“My dear Tom!” She begins, “do ya have them sweet red onions that I love so much?”

Tom replies, “Mrs. O’Malley, the onions don’t come in until Thursday. Today is Monday. You’re gonna have to come back.”

The next day, Mrs. O’Malley enters the same grocery store to see her friend, Tom. <...

What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie

A Tator-Thot

What do you call a vegtable that is high?

A baked potato.

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A spec-tater

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Breakfast for the Mailman

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his wa...

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

What day of the week do potatoes hate the most?

Fry-day

One of my favorite Reagan jokes:

A Soviet Diplomat goes to one of the farms in Russia, and approaches the farmer.

“How are the carrots doing?” Said the Diplomat.

“Oh, the carrots are as big and orange as ever!” Replies the farmer.

“I see, and how are the beets?”

“Oh, sir, if Gorbachev saw these beets, he...

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as...

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

Two Amish Women

Two Amish women are out picking potatoes in a field.

The first one holds out one potato in each hand in front of her while studying and balancing them.

The second woman asks her, "What are you doing with those potatoes?"

The first woman responds, "They remind me of my husband'...

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

Vegan witches be like

ear of corn! Eye of Potato!

How are Jeffrey dahmer and mr potato head similar

They keep body parts in there trunk

Why potato ding dong?

Godzilla! (Can someone explain this to me? My 8-year-old told it to me and was really proud of it.)

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