This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?

None

What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a potato?

You don’t have to pay to have a potato on you.

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

What did the Irish farmer name his potato plot?

Carb O'hydrate

Why the potato was arrested while driving?

It’s was baked.

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel?

A professional U-tuber.

Why did the potato drop his girlfriend?

She was hot.

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream

​

Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside m...

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

Why did the potato die?

He had tuberculosis.

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

What do you call a spinning potato?

A rotato

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato?

Dictator.

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.

PS: No offense.

How can you tell how fast a potato is going?

Check its spud-ometer.

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

What do you call a potato that makes internet videos?

A YouTuber.

What do you call a baby potato?

A small fry

What do you call a regular potato discussing the news?

A common tater.


I'm going back to bed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Potatos aren’t very attractive

...until they’ve been with someone appealing for a while.

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

If you could be any kind of potato, what would you be?

I’d be a sweet potato, because I yam what I yam and that’s all I can be.

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

I stuck a potato down my pants to impress the ladies...

But it just scared them away. I guess I should have stuck it down the front.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A Spec-tater!

I have a tattoo of a Russet potato on my right shoulder, and of a Sweet Potato on my left.

They are my Tater Tats

Helicopter flavored potato chips?

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.

Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same...

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said, "I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."

"Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

I'd post a potato pun...

But I don't know where to starch.

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

Why was the Potato fired from his job at the football stadium?

He was a horrible Commentater.

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

What kind of job does your average potato have?

He's a common tater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend who is a chef got fired for getting his dick stuck in the potato peeler.

She was fired to.

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Wo...

What does an imposter potato say?

“I’m a tater”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend brags about having sex with potato chips

He keeps on telling me how many lays he's had.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I almost got fired last night...

I was at my boss’s house for dinner and his wife asked “how many potatoes do you want?” I said “I’ll have 1 potato” and she said “it’s okay you don’t have to be polite”. I said “Okay, I’ll have 1 potato you stupid bitch”.

You really have to watch out for new sprouts coming out of your potato's... they're poisonous.

Keep your eyes peeled!

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It's mashing!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
...

What do you call a potato and an ear of corn in a police car?

Starchy and Husk

What would you call a potato that has gone to the Dark Side?

Vader-tots

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

A boy is selling fish on a corner..

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

Mr. Potato Head was in a car accident.

He's alive, but the doctors say he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life.

Potato is spelt wrong.

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face.

What do you call a potato that was kicked out of the embassy?

Potato non gratin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nsfw. Two potato's in a field. Which one is the prostitute?

The one that says Idaho

Two potatoes were walking together down the street

They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doc...