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What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?

A Dictator.

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What do you call an extremely rude potato?

A dick tater.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

What’s the difference between a baked sweet potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam and the other’s a yeeted ham.

What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie

A Tator-Thot

Why potato ding dong?

Godzilla! (Can someone explain this to me? My 8-year-old told it to me and was really proud of it.)

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

A potato had 3 daughters

When they were all grown up, the first one came to her father and said “daddy, daddy, I’m going to get married!”

Father potato asked to whom?

“To an Idaho potato!” Said the first daughter potato.

Father potato said “Idaho potatoes are very hearty and good lineage. He will be a g...

A teenage potato brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents.....

“So, what do you do for work” says the inquisitive father potato.
“Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster. “
The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.
“Why did you do that Daddy”asks the distraught girl potato.
“I’m not having my daughter hanging ...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes.

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach...

An Italian and a polish guy are walking down the beach wearing Speedo’s. While walking they get a lot of attention from women, but it seems that all the women are interested in the Italian guy!

After the day was over the guys are hanging out and the polish guy asks, “Ok you have to tell me w...

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

How many Potatos does it take to kill an Irish Person?

Zero.

The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

Why the potato was arrested while driving?

It’s was baked.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a potato?

You don’t have to pay to have a potato on you.

You know, Ireland has really made a comeback since the potato famine...

Everyday the population is Dublin

Why did the potato drop his girlfriend?

She was hot.

What did the Irish farmer name his potato plot?

Carb O'hydrate

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

Why did the potato die?

He had tuberculosis.

What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel?

A professional U-tuber.

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.

PS: No offense.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

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On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream



Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside me

And...

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

How can you tell how fast a potato is going?

Check its spud-ometer.

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

A guy at the beach hears from his friends that chicks will show more interest in you if you put a potato in your swim trunks.

He tries this for a while but gets flustered when all the girls keep pointing and laughing at him.
So his friends explain to him that you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit.

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

Potatos aren’t very attractive

...until they’ve been with someone appealing for a while.

A potato walks into a bar smoking a joint...

He puts out the joint and sits at the bar and orders a side of bacon. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of green onions. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Then he orders a side of cheddar. When it arrives he dumps it on his head.

Last he order...

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

What do you call a potato that uploads videos?

A you-tuber.

What do you call a potato that has been launched into space?

The Spudnik

What do you call a baby potato?

A small fry

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

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What do you call a penis shaped boat made out of potatoes?

A dictatorship

What do you call a regular, normal potato?

A commentator

I stuck a potato down my pants to impress the ladies...

But it just scared them away. I guess I should have stuck it down the front.

If you could be any kind of potato, what would you be?

I’d be a sweet potato, because I yam what I yam and that’s all I can be.

I have a tattoo of a Russet potato on my right shoulder, and of a Sweet Potato on my left.

They are my Tater Tats

There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.

Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

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Did you hear about that fascist leader named Richard Potato?

Most call him a Dick Tater.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we h...

I'd post a potato pun...

But I don't know where to starch.

Helicopter flavored potato chips?

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

Potato's in glasses are never the centre of attention.

They're just spec taters

What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Wo...

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

What kind of job does your average potato have?

He's a common tater.

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My friend who is a chef got fired for getting his dick stuck in the potato peeler.

She was fired to.

People who constantly brag about their ancestors are like potatoes

The only good thing about them is underground.

Potato - patato

You say 'funeral', I say 'a really dead send off party'.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

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Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.
...

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I almost got fired last night...

I was at my boss’s house for dinner and his wife asked “how many potatoes do you want?” I said “I’ll have 1 potato” and she said “it’s okay you don’t have to be polite”. I said “Okay, I’ll have 1 potato you stupid bitch”.

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.

She asks "What happened?"

"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.

The wife, even more...

What does an imposter potato say?

“I’m a tater”

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My friend brags about having sex with potato chips

He keeps on telling me how many lays he's had.

Potato is spelt wrong.

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It's mashing!

A boy is selling fish on a corner..

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

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