How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero

What is the difference between hot potato and a flying pig?

One's a heated yam, and one's a yeeted ham.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so i asked my kids if they'd had seen it...

Apparently she left me two days before.

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot...

What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

I've never paid to watch a potato.

Edit - Cheers for my first award, much obliged.

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

What's the most annoying kind of potato?

An agitator

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

What did the high potato say to the russet potato?

I'm baked

What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up

Mashing

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

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What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died.

He had brain tubers.

My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?”

I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”

My wife: Huh?

Me: It’s Black Fry Day.

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A Spec-tator

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes.

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Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the sticker that says IDAHO

What goes through a potato's brain?

Tater thoughts.

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?

In case Mr Onion Rings

What do you call a female dog sitting on top of potato chips

Bichon Frise

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

Why did the sea monster eat three boats carrying potatoes?

Because no one can eat just one potato ship.

What did the sweet potato say when it was asked if it was a sweet potato?

I YAM!!

What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes?

A pomme de terrier

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

How do potatoes get to space?

Using the starch ship enterfries

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

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What do you call an asshole potato ruling a country?

A dick tater

Potatoes are taking over the world...

They say it's the rise of the mashines

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

what kind kind of potato would Kim Jong Un be?

a dic-tater

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

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My son told me today that he heard someone on the news call Trump a penis potato.

I think he meant dictator.

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Two old ladies are harvesting potatoes when one unearth two massive tubers.

"Sweet baby Jesus, they look like my husband's balls !"

"How, as big ?"

"No, as dirty !"

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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What does one potato say to another when he’s horny?

Wanna hash?

Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine?

They discovered they could make alcohol out of them

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

What kind of award do you get for being a #1 couch potato?

A trophy. Muscle atrophy.

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

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Did you hear about the pirate whose only booty was dildos and potatoes?

They say he ran a dictatorship.

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Why did Donald Trump buy a boat filled with dildos and potatoes?

He wanted a dick tator ship..

hiw did the Irish potato become bilingual?

He became a French Fry

Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know...

A little *dick-tater*

Two potato farmers are in a field

One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Mr Potato Head’s wife is upset.

She claims he won’t tater anywhere.

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

Bag of... potatoes?

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to ge...

How did the potato get the dogs to be quiet?

By saying, "hush puppies!"

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

An Irish man's dilemma...

Do I eat the potatoes now, or wait for it to ferment.

There was a competition of hiding potatoes and I won.

because my carbo-hide-rate was good.

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are running from the police, and so they head into a farmer’s barn down the street

They open the doors and all hop into potato sacks, and wait.

The Police come in, to see the sacks laying on the ground. The Police officer kicks the first bag, and the redhead goes “MEOW MEOW” “Hm. Must be a cat”. He goes to the second sack and kicks it and the brunette goes “Woof Woof” “Hm....

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2 Wives in a Potato Farm.

Wife1: (Holding a large potato) I could remember my husbands testicle resemblance in this potato.

Wife2: The size of it?

Wife1: No, I could remember how dirty it was...

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

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When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

Fat-free French fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

...

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman - all commandos, are parachuting into Germany in WW2.

They land in a field and are spotted by a German soldier who gives pursuit. Their only hiding spot a nearby barn.

They run into the barn looking for somewhere to hide and can only see 3 hem...

What do you call a spinning potato?

A rotateo. (I’m so sorry.)

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Sikh Joke

Each Friday night after work, Sardar would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled ...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:


"What are those?"


"Those are potatoes"


"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"


The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.


"What are those?"


"Tho...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

what happens to a potato after the plot of soil it is growing in quadruples in value?

it becomes an affluent-tato

What do you call a potato on Kim Jong Un’s balls?

A dictator.



Came up with this in my history class haha

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

A red tractor turned into a field of potatoes

It was clearly a magic tractor

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

Two Amish women are digging potatoes in a field. The first turns to the other, hefts two large taters and says "These potatoes remind me of my Jacob".

The second replies "They're that big?"
"No", the first says. "They're that dirty."

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

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Mutiny on the high seas!

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking across the channel 300 crates of potatoes which were shaped like male appendages, and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a ...

I know a well-off foot fetishist, who took up a gig at a potato chip factory in his spare time.

When I asked him why, he says he heard "something about Free Toe Lays being one of the perks".

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They say Hitler used potatoes to treat his genital warts...

Talk about a Dictator.

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

Why do people like sweet potatoes?

Because they're yammy.

How do you get your dog to like mashed potatoes?

You gravy train

A man thinks his wife is getting deaf.

A man is sitting in his living room while his wife is working in the room next to it. As he gets up to prepare some coffee, he yells if she wants some too. There’s no response. “My wife seems to be losing her hearing”, he thinks.

He visits their doctor, asking for advice. “Doctor, my wife nev...

What’s 500 feet long and only eats potatoes?

People in the Soviet Union waiting for food.

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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are escaping prison...

They come across a farm and decide to hide among the animals in a desperate attempt to conceal themselves.
The police show up and find the redhead within the chicken coop. “Squawk, cock-a-doodle-do,” she cries.
Next, they find the brunette hiding among the cows in their pens. “Moo!” She lows, ...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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