How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

Guy goes to a costume party dressed in a Speedo with a potato in the front. He knocks on the door of the party and the host says what are you suppose to be?

He says, “I’m a dictator”

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently...
She left me two days ago...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

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What do you get when you cross a Potato with a Penis

A Dictator

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

How does a male potato chip mate with a female potato chip?

He Lay's on her.

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

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What happens when you combine Putin and a potato.

You'll get a dicktator. And vodka

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

A Farmer greets Joseph Stalin at his Potato Farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

Why did the potato start vlogging his day-to-day life?

He wanted to become a You Tuber.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes.

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Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

What do you call a potato cutting Friar?

A Chip Monk.

My friends favourite NSFW joke

A fast food worker gets home early from his night shift. His wife asks him: "Why are you home so early?"  He replies, "I put my fingers in the potato peeler and they chased me away"  The wife asks confused: "And the potato peeler?"
"She also got fired"

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Though they couldn’t be more different, explorers and couch potatoes have one thing in common.

They’re both looking for the remote.

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

I know potato jokes have been made

I’m just here to rehash them

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

The first potato to go to space was carried by the rocket Nick

Or, well, Spudnick

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

Potatoes from Chernobyl

An old woman is shouting at a Ukrainian farmers' market: "Potatoes from Chernobyl! Potatoes from Chernobyl!"
A passer-by asks her, "Why are you telling everybody that your potatoes are from Chernobyl? No one will buy them from you."
“They do, my dear, they do. For mothers-in-law, for neighbo...

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Why was the cruise full of penises and potatoes not popular?

It was actually a dick tater ship.

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Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

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Was having dinner with the in laws and the MIL said ….

….’How many potatoes would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cunt”

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

I've never paid to watch a potato.

Edit - Cheers for my first award, much obliged.

Lady goes to the market to buy potatoes.

Lady: excuse me, sir, but are these potatoes genetically modified?

Grocer: probably, but what's it to you?

Potato: yeah, what's it to you?

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

What do you call it when a potato takes over the world

A dictatership

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

Today I was counting potatoes

I was being quantipotative.

What do you get when you give potatoes spectacles?

Spectaters

Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

A lady visits a doctor

“Doctor, I was eating some potato chips, and there was a small bag that said ‘DO NOT EAT’, and I accidentally ate that too, am I going to die?..”

“Well, we’re all going to die at some point…” Starts the doctor.

“We’re all gonna die?! OMG, WHAT HAVE I DONE!”

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

A health-conscious man got a job as...

... a grocery packer. Every day he watched customers buy candy, soda, potato chips and processed snacks. He knew people were damaging their health with these unhealthy foods choices.

One day, he couldn't take it anymore. When he saw a customer with their cart full of particularly unhealthy ju...

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank. As they are running out carrying their stolen goods, the police begin to chase them down an alleyway.

Running down the alley, the robbers find three large sacks of potatoes to hide behind. "Quick!" said the brunette, hide behind here!"

Th...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato?

With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot...

What do you call a Trans potato?

A French fry

An old man was walking down the street in the Soviet Union and realized his shoe was untied.

Upon realizing it, he bent down to tie his shoe, and when he finished, he stood up only to realize there was a man standing behind him.

"Oh, excuse me, Comrade, I didn't mean to get in your way," the old man said, but got only a grim stare in response.The man turned to walk away, but then r...

Mr. Potato Head will now be known as

Mr. Potatx

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

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Blind man

A blind man went to a restaurant."Menu,sir?"asked the owner.I'm blind.Just bring me one of your dirty forks.I will smell it and order."The confused owner got a fork.The blind man smelled the fork with deep breath.Yes,I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.2 weeks later,the...

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

What's a 7 course meal in Ireland?

A 6-pack of beer and a potato

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I walked in on kim jong-un with his penis inside a jacket potato...

I didn't know what to say, I'd never seen a dick-tater before

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

Did you know there are public speaking potatoes?

Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.

What's the most annoying kind of potato?

An agitator

In my old neighborhood, we lived next to a family of rich potatos...

...we went over to have dinner at their mansion, and you could tell there was tension in the air. The father tater was fuming and the mother tater looked distraught. The daughter tater who looked very upset, finally broke the silence and said, 'but I want to marry Sean Hannity, I want to!' The fathe...

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

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An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

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Fruit Stand

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble ...

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

What do you call an authoritarian couch potato?

A dictator tot

What do you call a french dog that loves potatoes?

A pomme de terrier

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

I've been craving KFC for weeks...

But due to a COVID lockdown, I couldn't get it delivered.

When the lockdown was finally lifted, I made my usual order of an 8-piece bucket--extra crispy, with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy.

I waited by the door for 5 minutes...10 minutes...15 minutes... After 20 minutes, I ...

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A Spec-tator

My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?”

I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”

My wife: Huh?

Me: It’s Black Fry Day.

What goes through a potato's brain?

Tater thoughts.

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate?

It caused a huge traffic yam.

What do you call it when two potatoes hook-up

Mashing

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

Potato clock

A man was starting a new job and didn't want to be late. So he went to the clockmakers and asked to buy a Potato clock.

The clock maker was puzzled. "What's a Potato clock?"

The man replied "I don't know. I said to my wife that I didn't want to be late to work at 9 am, so she told me t...

Three thieves went for thieving at a potato farmers house

They went into the storage to steal some potatoes. But after a while, the farmer eventually woke up. So, got into the storage to check what's happening. No options left, three thieves hid themselves into three different potato sacks.

The farmer poked the first sack and the first thief said "M...

Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died.

He had brain tubers.

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What do you call an asshole potato ruling a country?

A dick tater

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?

In case Mr Onion Rings

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

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What does one potato say to another when he’s horny?

Wanna hash?

An old farmer writes his son...

An old farmer writes his son (who is in prison) a letter and he tells his son that he won't be planting potatoes this year because there is no way he can dig up the field by himself. His son writes back and tells his his dad that there's no way he can dig up the field cause that's where he hid all t...

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

There is a family of potatoes, and one day...

There is a family of potatoes, and one day the eldest daughter walks in the front door, and exclaims "Daddy, Daddy, I'm getting married!" The father asks who she is marrying and she tells him she is getting married to a Yukon Gold. They father gets a big smile on his face and says "That is a amazing...

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

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