What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

Did you hear about Richard Potato?

He’s a dictator.

What do you call a potato with a broom ?

A sweep potato.

You’re welcome

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

You have to keep an eye out when you start working at a potato factory

You don't want to endsp ud like everyone else, with a chip on their shoulder

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

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Two potato’s are standing on a corner. How can you tell which one is a prostitute?

Look for the sticker that says Idaho.

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

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I just met a really mean potato...

...it was a dick tater.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

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What do you call a potato that has sex every single night?

A French fry.

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NSFW What does a potato and a horny teenager have in common?

They're both hard until they get baked.

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

A male potato chip steps up to the bar and buys a drink.

He sees two female potato chips sitting nearby. He says to the one female potato chip, "Excuse me. Are you Herr's or Frito Lay?"

What is even more Irish than a potato?

No potato.

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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A girl and her potato

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her surprise the guy ...

What day of the week do potatoes hate the most?

Fry-day

What do you call a potato that wears glasses ?

A spec-tater

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No Potatoes

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the potato...

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

What is the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you.

Why did the potato salad blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

(I know this joke has been around since Adam and Eve, but I still love it!)

What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie

A Tator-Thot

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Why do potatoes look so good...

Because their APPEALING!

A potato had 3 daughters

When they were all grown up, the first one came to her father and said “daddy, daddy, I’m going to get married!”

Father potato asked to whom?

“To an Idaho potato!” Said the first daughter potato.

Father potato said “Idaho potatoes are very hearty and good lineage. He will be a g...

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

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What kind of boat transports potatoes shaped like penises?

Dictatorship.

What do you call potatoes grown in a cellar?

Pommes Fritzl

How did the Potato Horse run?

It scalloped!

A grandad is telling a story to his grandson.

GRANDAD:"When I was a little boy like you, my mum used to give me only a one single dollar. And with that I got two packs of milk, a lot of eggs and two bags of potatoes."

GRANDSON: "But why you can't do that now?"

GRANDAD:Because nowadays there are too many of these f***ing cctv's."

Why do jewish people love breaking their fast with sweet potatoes?

So that they can properly celebrate Yam kippur.

Why potato ding dong?

Godzilla! (Can someone explain this to me? My 8-year-old told it to me and was really proud of it.)

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

What's more Irish than potatoes?

Not having potatoes


_(Dont know who came up with this joke but I love it)_

My Potato has been coughing terribly

I think it has Tuberculosis.

What do you call a potatoe that mimics a tomatoe?

An ImiTATOR.

A boy is selling fish..

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a cou...

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

What did the potato say to the tomato?

Hey sweetie, why are you blushing?

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

Why the potato was arrested while driving?

It’s was baked.

Why did the potato drop his girlfriend?

She was hot.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

What sort of girlfriend a potato wants?

A sweet potato


Alright, yeah. I'm really that desperate.

You know, Ireland has really made a comeback since the potato famine...

Everyday the population is Dublin

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

The only thing more Irish than a potato is...

The lack of even a single one.

PS: No offense.

Friends are like potatoes...

If you eat them they die

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I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but...

No potato :(

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The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

What did the Irish farmer name his potato plot?

Carb O'hydrate

What do you call a long, curved potato with a monetized video channel?

A professional U-tuber.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

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A late Halloween political joke.

The president and his wife were invited to a Halloween costume party. The Donald enters their apartment and notices Melania is wearing nothing but a pair of hip boots. "What the hell is that?"

Melania looks at him and says, "It's my costume: I'm going as Puss In Boots."

Donald nods a...

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

What Beer does Mr. Potato Head drink?

Spud Lite

A phallus shaped potato ruled the world with an iron fist.

He was a Dic-tater.

What does The Hulk say when someone tries to steal his mashed potatoes?

HULKS MASH!!

Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner

and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"

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On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream



Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside me

And...

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