UPJOKE
salamichorizoporkhot dogvealbeefbratwurstblood sausagemeatpepperoniliverwurstgravysandwichbolognawiener

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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Was having dinner with the in-laws and my MIL said …. ….’How many sausages would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid fat hairy cunt”

Germans don't have bad sausages..

They have Wurst

Which sausages are the most immature?

The brats.

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

There were 2 sausages in a frying pan.

One sausage says to the other damn it's hot in here! The other sausage says WTF a talking sausage.

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar.

“Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

*“Sorry. We don’t serve breakfast.”*

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

What is the difference between a sausage in a bun and Pacman?

One's a hotdog and the other's a dot hog.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

A joke about sausages my little sister made up

Two French sausages are sat on a charcuterie board relaxing and having a catch up, talking about their wives and their children.
One sausage sees a smaller sausage on the other side of the board and turns to his friend. 

"I assume zat zis is your beautiful daughter?" 

"Oh, non, mon...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

I was in a pub and I ordered a large cup of beer and a German sausage. It took them 20 minutes just to get me the cup of beer.

I am afraid the wurst has yet to come.

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner

He’s being such a brat

I had a dream about a sausage last night

It was more of a nightmare to be frank.

I hate German sausages

They are die Wurst I've ever tasted.

I found a way to make cured sausage halal for Muslims to eat.

I offered it to an Imam for testing. He takes a bite and says "Ah, Salami okay, yum!"

Don't ever challenge a German sausage maker to a competition.

It brings out the *wurst* in him.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

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I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog...

Chocolate Sausage

I went to a church men's campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, "Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good." to which Joe repl...

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

An old lady had to do a urine test.

However, she wasn’t feeling like going to the lab to hand in the vial with the urine. So she asked her grandson if he could do it for her.
However, her grandson accidentally dropped the vial and spilled his grandmother’s pee all over the ground. Luckily, he was with a friend at the time, who advi...

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

Going to try and make my own German sausages

What's the wurst that could happen?

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

Men say 'why buy the whole cow just for some milk?" Women say...

"why buy the whole pig just for a little sausage?"

My Kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight...

When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

No one laughs at my sausage jokes.

Probably because the're the wurst

A sailor enters a sketchy watering hole. In the entrance a sign reads: Sausage roll 10$

And underneath it continues: Hand job 13$

A curvy barmaid is at the bar. He approaches her.

- Are you the one giving the hand jobs?
- Yes my sweet, are you feeling lonely? Do you want one?

He says

- No I will need you to sanitize your hands though...

(taking ...

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

What recipe uses chicken, shrimp, okra, and elephant sausage?

Dumbolaya

I cooked dinner last night.

It was gumbo I made with only sausage and okra. It wasn't good or bad .

It was meaty okra.

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Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

Did you hear about the guy who went around the corner for a sausage?

He took a turn for the wurst.

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

An owner of a small meat shop decides that his son is old enough and it's time to teach him business...

Father: Okay, son, you see this machine? You put a pig in here and three sausages come out there. You got it?
Son: No, pa, I don't get it.

Father: Okay, once again, you put a pig in here and get three sausages there, got it?
Son: No, still don't get it.

Father: Ohhh, one last...

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

My wife wanted to dress up as sausages for Halloween

I first tried to talk her out of it by lying, but I had to be frank further down the conversation.

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Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Why do all sausage dogs look the same?

Because they're in bread

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

Someone told me Chorizo is the best kind of sausage...

... but that's baloney!

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig...

Whats the most controversial food?

Sausage. Its the best and also the wurst

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst

I told this to a friend and he said that he'd never sausage a thing

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

I used to work in a sausage factory

Until I backed into a grinder and got a little behind in my work.

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful

but I've told wurst.

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time...

...But this one's definitely the wurst

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

Polish guy goes into a store

"I'd like a pound of Kielbasa"

Clerk: you must be a Polack

Pole: why do you say that? If I asked for bratwurst, would you call me a Kraut?

Clerk: No

Pole: If I asked for Italian Sausage, would you call me a Dago?

Clerk: No

Pole: then why are you calling me a...

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

A man working at a sausage factory died in a tragic accident

The forman calls the man's wife to break the news.
Unconsolable, she asks "how did it happen? Did he have a heart attack? Did he fall down the stairs?"
The forman replies "No, ma'am. He tripped into the machine that puts the ground meat into links."
"It's the wurst case scenario."

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

I found a good website for sausage making...

I’ll be sure to send you the link

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