What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

I have a sausage addiction....

.....and it's getting Wurst.

Did you hear about the guy who went around the corner for a sausage?

He took a turn for the wurst.

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

No one laughs at my sausage jokes.

Probably because the're the wurst

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

My wife wanted to dress up as sausages for Halloween

I first tried to talk her out of it by lying, but I had to be frank further down the conversation.

I tried to make homemade german sausage.

It was the wurst.

Did you hear about the German that made sausages for most of his life?

Those were the wurst years.

How do they make german sausages?

With fascist pigs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

My Muslim friend doesn’t eat Italian sausage

It’s not a religious thing, Isalamiphobia

A Polish man walks into a storefront and orders some Polish sausage.

"Are you Polish?" Asked the clerk.

"Yes but what does that matter? If I ordered pepperoni would you ask if I was Italian?"

"No."

"If I ordered bratwurst would you ask if I was German?"

"No."

"So why did you ask if I was Polish?"

"This is the bank."

My Kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight...

When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two sausages are in a frying pan

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you find it's getting hot in here?"

The other one jumps up and says, "Holy shit! A talking sausage!"

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

My German friend really hates sausage

He thinks its the wurst

Why do all sausage dogs look the same?

Because they're in bread

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig...

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had money between them.

Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.
They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did ex...

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian lady married an English gentleman and they lived in London .

She was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked l...

An old fisherman and his wife ate fish every day...

An old fisherman and his wife lived in a remote outport and they ate fish every day. One day, the fisherman said, "Dear, I'm sick of fish. A big grocery store opened in the town that's 40 miles away, I'm going there to buy something different for dinner."

So the fisherman goes to the grocery ...

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince charming wants to get married.

Prince charming want to get married, finds Snow White and asks:

Will you marry me?

"Of course, Majesty."

Prince charming shows his penis and asks:

Do you know what this is?

"Your beautiful penis, Prince.

I'm leaving. I want an innocent woman.

The Prin...

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

Why is working at a Pork Sausage factory the worst job?

Because every day is Ground Hog day.

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

I used to work in a sausage factory

Until I backed into a grinder and got a little behind in my work.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst

I told this to a friend and he said that he'd never sausage a thing

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re making sausage at a sausage factory, and everyone has better looking intestines to pack the sausage in than you?

A wurst casing scenario

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

A crazy homeless man was in a grocery store shouting at customers

A woman was waiting to be checked out. The homeless man pointed at the older gentleman in front of him and said “Angus beef won’t help you in bed!”. The older man gathers his items and quickly leaves.

The woman gets nervous as she puts her items to be scanned. The homeless man surprisingly i...

I asked my friend about his least favourite type of meat

He said sausages.
And I replied yes, they are the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

Someone told me Chorizo is the best kind of sausage...

... but that's baloney!

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A weiner is talking to his girlfriend...

She says, "Why is it that when we're around my friends you say you're a sausage, and around your friends you act like a hot dog?"

He replies, "Well, I'll have to be frank with you."

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

Three girls talking in a bar

Three grils are talking in a bar, bragging about how loose they are.

One says she can fit a sausage.

One says she can fit a cucumber.

And the last one just slides down the bar stool.

During lockdown I discovered that there are only 3 shops I need: Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

Two old guys talking.

Guy 1: As I get older all I need is, Spec-savers, Boots, and Greggs..


Guy 2: Yep, life is all Specs, and Drugs and Sausage rolls!!!

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful

but I've told wurst.

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

Jokes

Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .




You want the sausage but not the meat

The O'Leary brothers, Shamus and Liam, were known for their drinking.

One day they fancied a pint or two, but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only come up with $3.

Liam said, “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher’s shop, and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any mone...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain but she didn’t speak spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt up & show her thighs to allow the seller to understand.This went on for some time.

One day she wanted to buy sausages, so she made her husband go to the store with her. He then asked for sausages as he spoke spanish.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”

Me: In that case, can I get two?

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

Jokes are kind of like sausages

The wurst ones are the best

I said to my psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." He replied, "I don't think you're crazy. I like sausages too."

"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"

I'm terrified any time I see a sausage

I always fear the wurst

I want to make a music playlist titled: "Sausages"

Cause every song on it is a banger

Why don't Germans have sausage for breakfast?

Because that would mean things went from bed to wurst.

Fire at Australian sausage factory (long)

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage com...

I found a good website for sausage making...

I’ll be sure to send you the link

Blacksmithing & sausage

One day at work, a coworker tells our team about their hobby - blacksmithing. Their usual approach is to load up a crucible with coals, get a good fire going, then pound out ingots for a few hours. When they're all done, they throw a few sausages into the crucible because - and this is the reasoning...

What do you call someone who's constantly making jokes about their sausage?

Someone with the wurst sense of humor.

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

A man working at a sausage factory died in a tragic accident

The forman calls the man's wife to break the news.
Unconsolable, she asks "how did it happen? Did he have a heart attack? Did he fall down the stairs?"
The forman replies "No, ma'am. He tripped into the machine that puts the ground meat into links."
"It's the wurst case scenario."

I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time...

...But this one's definitely the wurst

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

I finally found the courage to break up with my violent and abusive sausage boyfriend

So you can imagine my horror when my friend tells me “the wurst is behind you”

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