What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

That sausage is such a brat!

He’s the wurst!

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

I saw a packet of Jamie Oliver sausages

On the back it said prick with fork, I thought yeah that's him alright

I hate jokes about German sausages.....

They're the wurst!

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst

I told this to a friend and he said that he'd never sausage a thing

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re making sausage at a sausage factory, and everyone has better looking intestines to pack the sausage in than you?

A wurst casing scenario

My father nearly died choking on a sausage in Germany

From that moment on, we feared the wurst.

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

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Two Sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says, it's kinda hot in here, the other says.

HOLY FUCK, A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

Why is working at a Pork Sausage factory the worst job?

Because every day is Ground Hog day.

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had aske...

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

Three women met up in a bar.

After talking about what they've all been through, and they've all had a few drinks, their conversation takes a personal turn and they start talking about how loose they are.

One says, "I can fit a while sausage."

Another says, "I can fit a cucumber. "

The third woman says nothi...

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

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Delivering the male (my cake day contribution)

It was John's last day delivering the mail. He had been doing so for 4o years and was about to retire.

Most of the families greeted him warmly and handed him an envelope presumably with a small monetary gift inside.

But when he arrived at the Jones' house the woman there pulled him ins...

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A very rich man had a very stupid son.

His son was so stupid that he would not be able to run any business his father provided for him. One day the father decided to open a sausage factory in which everything was automated, and put his son in charge. Once the factory was built, he brought his son to the factory and started explaining the...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've bot...

What do vegans and strippers have in common?

They both don't want your sausage down their throats.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Someone told me Chorizo is the best kind of sausage...

... but that's baloney!

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

Blacksmithing & sausage

One day at work, a coworker tells our team about their hobby - blacksmithing. Their usual approach is to load up a crucible with coals, get a good fire going, then pound out ingots for a few hours. When they're all done, they throw a few sausages into the crucible because - and this is the reasoning...

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

A guy goes to the butcher.

"I want one pound of liver sausage - but from the fat and rough one!"

The butcher replies:

"I´m sorry. She is on holiday."

I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”

Me: In that case, can I get two?

Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way...

I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much.

It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato.

I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing.

So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

I want to make a music playlist titled: "Sausages"

Cause every song on it is a banger

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

I found a good website for sausage making...

I’ll be sure to send you the link

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

What do you call someone who's constantly making jokes about their sausage?

Someone with the wurst sense of humor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bender’s Breakfast Club unfinished joke

Saw this online so I thought I’d post it for everyone else wondering what it would be.

A naked blonde walks into a bar carrying a poodle under one arm and a 6 foot salami under the other.

So the bartender says “So I don’t suppose you’ll be needing a drink?”


The blonde says ...

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

I once babysat a sausage.

It was really poorly behaved, though.

A total *brat*.

Just the *wurst*.

I said to my psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." He replied, "I don't think you're crazy. I like sausages too."

"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

I'm terrified any time I see a sausage

I always fear the wurst

Why don't Germans have sausage for breakfast?

Because that would mean things went from bed to wurst.

Fire at Australian sausage factory (long)

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage com...

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

A redneck is selling sausages.

A redneck is selling sausages. A woman walks up to him and places an order.

The woman asks, "Can I have one hot dog please?"

"How would you like your *meat*?"

The redneck gives the woman a wink

The woman replies, "In bread."

She shoots a wink back at him

I finally found the courage to break up with my violent and abusive sausage boyfriend

So you can imagine my horror when my friend tells me “the wurst is behind you”

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

Jokes are kind of like sausages

The wurst ones are the best

Have you ever watched a German sausage go bad?

It goes from brat to wurst.

A man working at a sausage factory died in a tragic accident

The forman calls the man's wife to break the news.
Unconsolable, she asks "how did it happen? Did he have a heart attack? Did he fall down the stairs?"
The forman replies "No, ma'am. He tripped into the machine that puts the ground meat into links."
"It's the wurst case scenario."

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o...

What do you call a group of soldiers that smell like sausages?

Salarmy

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A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”

The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”

T...

I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time...

...But this one's definitely the wurst

[NSFW] Why is it called morning wood

When it should be called breakfast sausage

How do you stop sausages from curling in the pan?

You take away their little brooms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

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Drinking for free

Two old friends wanted to go drinking but didn't have any money. The oldest of the two told his friend it's no problem, he had an idea to get drinks for free so away they went to the local pub and ordered a bunch of drinks. After slamming down some beer the friend asked how they would get this for ...

Have you heard the one about the guy that always smelled like sausage?

It was the wurst.

Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup

Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

The german Flag stands for:

RED : Sausages
YELLOW : Beer
GREEN : Not causing two world wars

What Kind of Sausage is Made from Doors?

Knockwurst!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

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