What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog...

A sailor enters a sketchy watering hole. In the entrance a sign reads: Sausage roll 10$

And underneath it continues: Hand job 13$

A curvy barmaid is at the bar. He approaches her.

- Are you the one giving the hand jobs?
- Yes my sweet, are you feeling lonely? Do you want one?

He says

- No I will need you to sanitize your hands though...

(taking ...

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

Now that the barbers have reopened, queues are so long that the staff have started handing out burgers and sausages

10/10 - definitely the best barber queue I’ve been to

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

Going to try and make my own German sausages

What's the wurst that could happen?

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

What recipe uses chicken, shrimp, okra, and elephant sausage?

Dumbolaya

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two sausages in a frying pan...

One said to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here!"

Other one said, "Fuck me, it's a talking sausage!"

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

Did you hear about the guy who went around the corner for a sausage?

He took a turn for the wurst.

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

I was going to post my German sausage joke but...

Probably best I don't. It's the wurst.

Two men sat down at a German restaurant for a 10 course meal.

After six of the courses had come out, one of the men remarked to the other "I wonder when the sausages are going to be served.".

The waiter overheard and assured the men that the sausages were coming out eventually by saying "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come.".

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

No one laughs at my sausage jokes.

Probably because the're the wurst

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

My Kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight...

When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat.

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

Three women are in a bar.

They get to talking about how loose they are.

The first woman shoves a sausage up her kitty.

The second woman shoves a cucumber up her kitty.

The third woman slides down the bar stool.

A man walked into the doctor's surgery

He had half a bun on his head, a sausage behind his ear, several pickles in his shirt and an ice cream cone on his foot.

The doctor took one look and said
"Im afraid you're not eating properly."

My wife wanted to dress up as sausages for Halloween

I first tried to talk her out of it by lying, but I had to be frank further down the conversation.

An employee asks his boss to be transferred to a new department.

"Why, what's wrong with the fan department you're in now?" says the boss.

"Are you kidding me? This department blows!!"

The boss sighs, "Well, there is an opening in the vacuum cleaner department..."

"Hell no!" the employee screams, "that department sucks!"

The boss chas...

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

Why do all sausage dogs look the same?

Because they're in bread

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

My Muslim friend doesn’t eat Italian sausage

It’s not a religious thing, Isalamiphobia

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig...

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

Does anybody want to buy 500 sandwiches and 250 sausage rolls?

I misread the headlines and thought we were picnic buying.

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

Someone told me Chorizo is the best kind of sausage...

... but that's baloney!

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

I used to work in a sausage factory

Until I backed into a grinder and got a little behind in my work.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst

I told this to a friend and he said that he'd never sausage a thing

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re making sausage at a sausage factory, and everyone has better looking intestines to pack the sausage in than you?

A wurst casing scenario

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

What is the difference between a street seller and a sausage dog??

A street seller bawls out his wears on the pavement..

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Mother Vs. My Uncle

My Uncle has a cat and we own two daschounds and this is the conversation that went off over the phone:

Uncle: "Listen I dont want your dogs to come over because my cat will scratch them."

Mum: "Listen Alister, I'll tell you what..."

Uncle: " What?"

Mum: "Your pussy is n...

A bunch of evolutionary scientists got together for a cookout one day.

The got a bunch of stuff to grill up, but everyone was most excited about the sausages.

The scientists counted the sausages to make sure there were enough for everyone, and even though they initially thought they had enough they were one short. They checked the cooler, the fridge, and everyw...

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful

but I've told wurst.

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before ...

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

Jokes are kind of like sausages

The wurst ones are the best

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had money between them.

Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.
They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.

Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out."

They did ex...

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

I found a good website for sausage making...

I’ll be sure to send you the link

My friend entered a sausage making competition

His entry was the wurst

What do you call a German sausage fest?

Wurst orgy ever.

I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”

Me: In that case, can I get two?

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

I said to my psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." He replied, "I don't think you're crazy. I like sausages too."

"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time...

...But this one's definitely the wurst

I'm terrified any time I see a sausage

I always fear the wurst

Blacksmithing & sausage

One day at work, a coworker tells our team about their hobby - blacksmithing. Their usual approach is to load up a crucible with coals, get a good fire going, then pound out ingots for a few hours. When they're all done, they throw a few sausages into the crucible because - and this is the reasoning...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day, so here's a long one: A mail carrier is being reassigned...

A mailman is being transferred to a new route, so he tells his customers it's his last week. On his last day, at one particular house, he rings the bell to deliver a package and a woman answers the door in a silk robe with a teddy underneath.
"I just want to thank you properly for your service...

What do you call someone who's constantly making jokes about their sausage?

Someone with the wurst sense of humor.

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

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