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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

I saw a packet of Jamie Oliver sausages

On the back it said prick with fork, I thought yeah that's him alright

Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

I have developed a phobia of sausages

I fear the wurst

Why is working at a Pork Sausage factory the worst job?

Because every day is Ground Hog day.

My father nearly died choking on a sausage in Germany

From that moment on, we feared the wurst.

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

Did you know some people get turned on by sausages?

It's the wurst fetish.

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

Talking Sausages

Two sausages are cooking in a pan. One of the sausages turns to the other and says:

"Man, its really hot in here!"

The other turns over and says:

"JESUS CHRIST, A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful

but I've told wurst.

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

I went to the local hot dog guy and said, “Can I get a jumbo sausage?”

He said, “Sure. It shouldn’t be long.”

Me: In that case, can I get two?

Two guys want to go out drinking.

They both have no money, but only 50 Cent.
"No worries" said the first guy "I have an idea, how we can drink the whole night anyway. Let's go to the butcher and buy a sausage for 50 Cent. I put it in my pants. We go to a bar and after finishing our drinks, you go on your knees, open my pants and ...

I keep having this terrifying dream about sausages chasing me

It's basically my wurst nightmare

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

Ugh... I *really* hate the jokes in here about German Sausages.

They're the WURST.

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

Blacksmithing & sausage

One day at work, a coworker tells our team about their hobby - blacksmithing. Their usual approach is to load up a crucible with coals, get a good fire going, then pound out ingots for a few hours. When they're all done, they throw a few sausages into the crucible because - and this is the reasoning...

What so you think about sausages?

I think that's the wurst food ever.

I want to make a music playlist titled: "Sausages"

Cause every song on it is a banger

What do you call someone who's constantly making jokes about their sausage?

Someone with the wurst sense of humor.

My friend traded a sausage for a seabird.

He's taken a tern for the wurst.

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

Fire at Australian sausage factory (long)

One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage com...

Someone told me Chorizo is the best kind of sausage...

... but that's baloney!

Why don't Germans have sausage for breakfast?

Because that would mean things went from bed to wurst.

I once babysat a sausage.

It was really poorly behaved, though.

A total *brat*.

Just the *wurst*.

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

I said to the psychiatrist, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."

"I don't think you're crazy," he replied, "I also like sausages."

"Really?" I said, "You should come over to my house and see my collection."

I found a good website for sausage making...

I’ll be sure to send you the link

A redneck is selling sausages.

A redneck is selling sausages. A woman walks up to him and places an order.

The woman asks, "Can I have one hot dog please?"

"How would you like your *meat*?"

The redneck gives the woman a wink

The woman replies, "In bread."

She shoots a wink back at him

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I went to my butchers and put in my order, then asked "what's happened to your assistant ?"

He said "I had to sack him, he kept sticking his dick in the sausage slicer on his break!"

I said "what happened to the sausage slicer?"

He replied "I had to sack him as well!"

I'm terrified any time I see a sausage

I always fear the wurst

Did you hear about the mean woman who died after falling into a sausage making machine in Germany?

She was the wurst...

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

Have you ever watched a German sausage go bad?

It goes from brat to wurst.

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Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to th...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

I finally found the courage to break up with my violent and abusive sausage boyfriend

So you can imagine my horror when my friend tells me “the wurst is behind you”

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If a sausage party got really big

....and became a festival, could we call it Boneroo?

By that logic, I suppose there could be a Coochella, too!

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

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A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”

The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”

T...

Jokes are kind of like sausages

The wurst ones are the best

Visiting Italy this week and I tried some donkey sausage at the market.

It tasted like ass.

Where were the first sausages cooked?

In *Greece*.

I've just tried some of the Elvis Costello's new mediterranean sausages.

They were wonderful.
I think olive salami is here to stay.

A man working at a sausage factory died in a tragic accident

The forman calls the man's wife to break the news.
Unconsolable, she asks "how did it happen? Did he have a heart attack? Did he fall down the stairs?"
The forman replies "No, ma'am. He tripped into the machine that puts the ground meat into links."
"It's the wurst case scenario."

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table

A bunch of sausages are smoking around a poker table. Suddenly the door slams open and a salami walks in.


"You look parched my friend, would you like a drink?" Asks one of the sausages.


"No thankyou" says the salami "I don't drink".


"Join us for a smoke then" replies...

How do you stop sausages from curling in the pan?

You take away their little brooms.

Don't eat royal sausage in Vietnamese noodle soup

Trust me, it's the Pho King Wurst

I've heard some terrible German sausage jokes in my time...

...But this one's definitely the wurst

Have you heard the one about the guy that always smelled like sausage?

It was the wurst.

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I invented a new drink today; basically you start with a Shirley Temple and put a really old cocktail sausage in it.

I call it the "Judge Roy Moore".

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

People love babies and sausages.

But no one want to see how they are made.

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar.

The bartender says,  “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

A dying man walks down a side street to get a sausage in Berlin

He takes a turn for the wurst.

I thought I might try my hand at telling a German sausage joke

I mean, what's the wurst that could happen?

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

If you are planning a robbery on a place that makes marijuana sausage...

Are you casing the joint casing joint?

Did you hear about the German man that challenged himself to eat only sausages for a year?

He said it was the wurst diet ever.

A mate rang me last night, quite confused, to say a couple of sausages hit him on the head on the way home from the pub.

"That's nothing!" I replied. "I got hit by 4 steaks, 2 pork chops and a leg of lamb"

"What could it be?" he asked

"I'm not sure, but mine was definitely a Meatier shower!"

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