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Sausage Jokes

I think I’ve developed a phobia of German sausages

I keep on fearing the wurst

A couple decided to enter a local cooking competition. He did very well in the sausage category, but she got last place with chicken.

Together, they made the best wurst and the worst breast.

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Pornography is like a good sausage

As long as you don't know what went into making it, you can enjoy it.

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The body of the recently deceased Sausage Tycoon will be cremated next week..

5 minutes on each side, it's what he would have wanted

What do you call a sausage that can't walk?

A sausage roll.

Why should you eat pork sausage on February 2nd?

Because it is ground hog day.

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The sausage trick

Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pan...

I am developing a fear of German sausage...

I fear the wurst

With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner.

But that's a Wurst-Käse scenario.

I just wrote a song about a sausage that I like to serve with mashed potatoes.

It's a banger.

What did the toilet say to the guy who ate a whole package of sausages?

Doo your wurst!

My butcher has started making sausages from seabirds....

Today he has taken a tern for the wurst.

Did you hear I got food poisoning from eating sausage?

Yeah, it was the wurst.

The other day I saw a sausage delivery truck crash.

It took a turn for the wurst.

Jerry’s is naming a pizza after Andrew Tate

The small sausage

What’s the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages?

They both fear the wurst

“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”

“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection I’ve got thousands!”

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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Was having dinner with the in-laws and my MIL said …. ….’How many sausages would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid fat hairy cunt”

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Some say the best part of having kinky sex with a German girl is getting Vienna sausages shoved up your ass.

Others say it’s the wurst part.

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar.

2 eggs, a sausage link, a piece of toast and 3 pancakes walk into a bar. They walk up to the counter and order some drinks. The bartender says,

Sorry, we dont serve breakfast

Which sausages are the most immature?

The brats.

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

I bought a German sausage shop on the most expensive road in my suburb.

They always say you should buy the Wursthaus on the best street.

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we aren’t having German sausages for dinner

He’s being such a brat

There were 2 sausages in a frying pan.

One sausage says to the other damn it's hot in here! The other sausage says WTF a talking sausage.

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There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

What is the difference between a sausage in a bun and Pacman?

One's a hotdog and the other's a dot hog.

A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"

When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, de...

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...

... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.

They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

I was in a pub and I ordered a large cup of beer and a German sausage. It took them 20 minutes just to get me the cup of beer.

I am afraid the wurst has yet to come.

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

A sailor enters a sketchy watering hole. In the entrance a sign reads: Sausage roll 10$

And underneath it continues: Hand job 13$

A curvy barmaid is at the bar. He approaches her.

- Are you the one giving the hand jobs?
- Yes my sweet, are you feeling lonely? Do you want one?

He says

- No I will need you to sanitize your hands though...

(taking ...

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

A man walks up to a sales clerk-

"Excuse me, Where are your Polish Sausages?"

The clerk asks "Are you Polish?" The man becomes irate and starts yelling "If I asked where the pasta was would you ask if I was Italian?", "no" replies the clerk. "If I asked where the corned beef was would you ask if I were Irish?" "no" replies ...

I hate German sausages

They are die Wurst I've ever tasted.

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The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen ...

A joke about sausages my little sister made up

Two French sausages are sat on a charcuterie board relaxing and having a catch up, talking about their wives and their children.
One sausage sees a smaller sausage on the other side of the board and turns to his friend. 

"I assume zat zis is your beautiful daughter?" 

"Oh, non, mon...

I found a way to make cured sausage halal for Muslims to eat.

I offered it to an Imam for testing. He takes a bite and says "Ah, Salami okay, yum!"

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

My dad just decided to invest in a sausage company.

It was the wurst decision of his life

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog...

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I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

My Kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight...

When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat.

I had a dream about a sausage last night

It was more of a nightmare to be frank.

Chocolate Sausage

I went to a church men's campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, "Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good." to which Joe repl...

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.

Don't ever challenge a German sausage maker to a competition.

It brings out the *wurst* in him.

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

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Street Meat

Two competitive street meat vendors, Billy and Bob were selling sausages on sick at the corner. Billy had a huge line, all the way down the street.
Bob had nobody in line, so Bob goes over and asks "how the hell do you have so many people in line?" "what do you put in your sausage that i don...

A man came into the butcher shop yesterday and asked if we serve soft Italian sausage…

‘N do ya?

Yeah that’s the one.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

No one laughs at my sausage jokes.

Probably because the're the wurst

I got my sausage dog neutered yesterday.

Now it's just a dog.

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

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saving your skin

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are travelling the wilds of Africa, when they are captured by a tribe of savages. They are tied to a tree and the chief comes up to them.

"I'll tell you what we're going to do: we'll cut you all the way open, pull out your intestines to make sausages, and we...

Going to try and make my own German sausages

What's the wurst that could happen?

sausage bread will always be by your side

for batter or for wurst

What recipe uses chicken, shrimp, okra, and elephant sausage?

Dumbolaya

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

Man walks into a library and says to the receptionist “Two sausages please”

The receptionist says “ this is a library sir”
So the man lowers his voice and whispers “sorry , two sausages please”.

Did you hear about the guy who went around the corner for a sausage?

He took a turn for the wurst.

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was a seabird.

I took a tern for the wurst.

When a guy walks into a room full of other guys he usually comments on how its a sausage fest...

So I wonder do girls walk into a room full of girls and comment on how its a fish fest or total clam jam?

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

Last night, I dreamt of going to Germany with my family. When we arrived, the airport guards pinned us down and started beating us with sausages.

It was truly my wurst nightmare.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

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Difference between a Frank and sausage?

A sausage doesn't show up in every goddamn joke in this motherfucking sub.

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

Why do all sausage dogs look the same?

Because they're in bread

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

My wife wanted to dress up as sausages for Halloween

I first tried to talk her out of it by lying, but I had to be frank further down the conversation.

Two friends meet for a night out..

After they check their finances they realize that they have only 3$ left. Moe tells Joe „no worries, I have an idea but you have to trust me“. Joe agrees and follows Moe to a butcher shop where he bought a big sausage. He puts the sausage into his pants.

„Now let’s go to the bar“ Moe says and...

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said, "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig...

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Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

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[NSFL] The sickest joke I've ever heard.

I warned every one.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He claims the bartender that he could eat literally anything without throwing up for $100. So the bartender pulls a rotted old sausage out of the garage, and the grabs it and eats it up. "Okay, double or nothing, what do you suggest" ...

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

You guys want to hear a sausage pun?

Nevermind they are the wurst

What is the female equivalent of a sausage fest?

A clam bake

One day I was cooking some eggs and sausages for breakfast, and one of the sausages got burnt.

I'll never cook naked again.

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful

but I've told wurst.

Passed by a building made entirely of keilbasa.

Never sausage a place before.

What did the sausage say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner.

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

I used to work in a sausage factory

Until I backed into a grinder and got a little behind in my work.

3 Scotsmen

Sitting on the Firth of Fourth road bridge about to commit suicide by jumping into the raging waters 100s of feet below.
First one says to the guy next to him: Why are you going to jump?
He says: My wife makes me the same lunch sandwich every day - cheese and pickles - and I hate both. I can’...

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

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