UPJOKE
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I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

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Hey girl, are you Afghanistan?

Because it would take me 20 years to pull out.

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

Documentary on Afghanistan

A journalist goes to Afganistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gather...

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A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said ...

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

Why aren't there Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because there are Targets on every corner.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The seco...

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Why must people sun dry after bathing in Afghanistan?

There's a towel ban in Afghanistan

A reporter visits Afghanistan,

A reporter visits Afghanistan to report on a recent bombing. On her way to the bomb-site, she sees the women walking ten steps behind the men. Enraged, the reporter asks her translator why the women are walking 10 steps behind. The translator replies, “It is because women are considered 2nd class ci...

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Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

I was going for a walk in the desert in Afghanistan.

Off in the distance I saw what I thought was a mirage but as I got closer I could see it's wasn't a mirage, Israel.

It was two men arguing, so I tried to calm the situation down but they turned against me. The one man threw Iraq, so Iran all the way home.

Agitated by the encounter I t...

Why is it hard to get Indian Food in Afghanistan???

Because of the Thali Ban...

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Why are there no Walmart stores in Afghanistan?

Because there's a target on every corner

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

Did you hear that Shaquille O'Neal asked Afghanistan to name their tallest mountain after him?

They said Noshaq.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I saw a sign that said "Free Afghanistan"

But it turns out someone already claimed it.

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

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So, two guys emigrate from Afghanistan to the US

They say, let's meet in 10 years and see who has become more American. 10 years pass and they meet. One guy says " Today I mowed the lawn, took my son to little league, and went to McDonalds. Let's see you top that." The other guy says "you fucking rag head."

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are the Army, Marines, and Air Force evacuating personnel in Afghanistan and not the Navy?

We don't want to leave any Seamen behind when we pull out.

Drinking in Afghanistan

A Scottish man, Englishman and Irishman are caught drinking in Afghanistan,

Since drinking is illegal, they are sentenced to death, the queen is merciful and gives them each a hundred lashings of a whip and a wish before they go up.

The Scottish man is first and wishes for a pillow to ...

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

They have had to cancel this years Census in Afghanistan

This is directly due to the tally-ban

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when

they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Newfoundlander soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Newfo...

No TV in Afghanistan

(this is an actual true event)

This colleague's friend went to Afghanistan. As he spent his days there he realised there are no TVs in anyone's home.

"what's going on here. How come there's no TV around here?"


Someone replied, "oh. It's coz of the Tele-ban".

What is Call of Duty called in Afghanistan?

The Sims

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan?

The fastest goat in the fucking country

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

American female journalist in Afghanistan

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later...

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

Why are there no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because they are all Target's

What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan?

Minefeld.

A soldier came home from Afghanistan

When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories.
“I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.
The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”
“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”

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Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that ni...

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

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America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

Man visits Afghanistan 2 decades apart.

A man visits Afghanistan and during his visit he got to witness the culture and the differences from his own country. One curious thing that he noticed was that when married couples went for a walk, the men walked in front and the women follows 10 yards behind. His trip ended and he went home.
...

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My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

A beggar in Afghanistan

An Afghan man walks across a busy street when an old lady says ''Please my son, give me $1 in charity.''

''I don't have any.''

''If you don't have that just give a tiny little bit. Praise God, look at your youth, your tie, your strength and beauty. May I be sacrificed for you, just gi...

So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan

But the moment i checked the map I ran.

Why are there no school shootings in Afghanistan?

America already bombed the schools.

Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan?

Targets.



I’ll see myself out.

People in Afghanistan aren't allowed to watch TV

because of the telly-ban

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt

“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”

“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”

The third smiled and simply said “I was a member of SEAL team six.”

“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplish tha...

Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teleban.

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

Why aren't there TVs in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teliban.

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant?

He never pulled out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier is running from the military police.

Just in time he sees a Nun and asks if he can hide under her dress explaining that he doesn’t want to get sent to Afghanistan. She agrees and he is able to outwit the MP. When he crawls out he says “you have a really nice pair of legs sister.” The Nun says, “yeah and if you had looked up, you’d hav...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of...

A guy is touring around Afghanistan when he sees a house with two doors.

A guy is touring around Afghanistan when he sees a house with two doors, one of them with a queue full of people. He asks the guy at the back what's going on.
"You see, they caught an infamous criminal and they're keeping him in this house. Officials are letting you come in and hit him. If you go...

What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.

Treyarch has to release BO4 as Roman numeral IV in Afghanistan

Because in Afghanistan they have Tallyban

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

Six weeks ago, my brother was deployed by Afghanistan...

And today he called home.

He asked me how things were back here, and so I took a deep breath and told him the truth.

"Your cat died."

My brother was aghast, especially at how coldly I said it.

"Joe, that's not how you break bad news." Miles away, I could hear the frustr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New recruit gets sent to afghanistan...

after a couple of week he gets real horny, he goes over to his captain & all embarrassed he asks him "Sir, what do guys here do when they get horny & it's at an unbearable level?" Captain says, well there's a tent at the southwest corner of the camp & over there all needs could be taken ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

Because there are already too many targets.

(credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to...

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

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