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Afghanistan Jokes

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

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Hey girl, are you Afghanistan?

Because it would take me 20 years to pull out.

A marine in Afghanistan receives a letter

In the letter his girlfriend explained that she had slept with his best friend while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any self respecting M...

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Cos there is a target on every corner

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Why must people sun dry after bathing in Afghanistan?

There's a towel ban in Afghanistan

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

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Why are the Army, Marines, and Air Force evacuating personnel in Afghanistan and not the Navy?

We don't want to leave any Seamen behind when we pull out.

My friend was planning to take a vacation in Afghanistan next month.

He won’t beheading there any time soon.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

In Afghanistan, everyone is terrified of spiders, but apparently..

In Iraq no phobia

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

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A soldier is running from the military police.

Just in time he sees a Nun and asks if he can hide under her dress explaining that he doesn’t want to get sent to Afghanistan. She agrees and he is able to outwit the MP. When he crawls out he says “you have a really nice pair of legs sister.” The Nun says, “yeah and if you had looked up, you’d hav...

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

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So, two guys emigrate from Afghanistan to the US

They say, let's meet in 10 years and see who has become more American. 10 years pass and they meet. One guy says " Today I mowed the lawn, took my son to little league, and went to McDonalds. Let's see you top that." The other guy says "you fucking rag head."

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

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A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

I was going for a walk in the desert in Afghanistan.

Off in the distance I saw what I thought was a mirage but as I got closer I could see it's wasn't a mirage, Israel.

It was two men arguing, so I tried to calm the situation down but they turned against me. The one man threw Iraq, so Iran all the way home.

Agitated by the encounter I t...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Why are voting results inaccurate in Afghanistan?

It's because of the tally ban.

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

Netflix and Amazon Prime are no longer available in Afghanistan.

Because of the telly ban.

They have had to cancel this years Census in Afghanistan

This is directly due to the tally-ban

Afghanistan is sending 1200 troops to Washington D.C.

on a mission to secure the fragile democracy.

I saw a sign that said "Free Afghanistan"

But it turns out someone already claimed it.

Documentary on Afghanistan

A journalist goes to Afganistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gather...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Afghanistan country code is cool

AF

A reporter visits Afghanistan,

A reporter visits Afghanistan to report on a recent bombing. On her way to the bomb-site, she sees the women walking ten steps behind the men. Enraged, the reporter asks her translator why the women are walking 10 steps behind. The translator replies, “It is because women are considered 2nd class ci...

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Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that ni...

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What do you call the last virgin in Afghanistan?

The fastest goat in the fucking country

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America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

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Have you heard about the Afghanistan withdrawal method?

It's when you pull out too late so you lose almost two decades of your life and most of your money

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The seco...

Breaking News: Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea to send a joint expeditionary force...

...to Washington D.C. in order to bring peace, democracy and the rule of law to the troubled nation of United States of America.

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

Drinking in Afghanistan

A Scottish man, Englishman and Irishman are caught drinking in Afghanistan,

Since drinking is illegal, they are sentenced to death, the queen is merciful and gives them each a hundred lashings of a whip and a wish before they go up.

The Scottish man is first and wishes for a pillow to ...

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

What would be the best name for a sitcom set in Afghanistan?

Minefeld.

One day 3 immigrants

One day 3 immigrants were sitting in a bar: A Syrian, an Afghan and a Turkish

The Syrian finishes his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. As pieces of glass are raining on them he says "In Syria glasses were so cheap that we never drank from the same glass twice"
...

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan

But the moment i checked the map I ran.

A soldier came home from Afghanistan

When he sees his son, he started to talk about his war stories.
“I killed 40men in Afghanistan, son.” He said.
The kid replied, “But you’re an army chef, dad!”
“But I never said I’m good at my job, did I.”

No TV in Afghanistan

(this is an actual true event)

This colleague's friend went to Afghanistan. As he spent his days there he realised there are no TVs in anyone's home.

"what's going on here. How come there's no TV around here?"


Someone replied, "oh. It's coz of the Tele-ban".

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No" the man replied. "Landmines."

What is Call of Duty called in Afghanistan?

The Sims

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

James Bond retired and turned down a knighthood in England to live in Afghanistan where he became one of the most important men in the middle east.

Turns out he wanted to be Sheikh'en, not Sirred.

Why are there no school shootings in Afghanistan?

America already bombed the schools.

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when

they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Newfoundlander soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Newfo...

A guy is touring around Afghanistan when he sees a house with two doors.

A guy is touring around Afghanistan when he sees a house with two doors, one of them with a queue full of people. He asks the guy at the back what's going on.
"You see, they caught an infamous criminal and they're keeping him in this house. Officials are letting you come in and hit him. If you go...

American female journalist in Afghanistan

An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men.

She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home.

A year later...

Man visits Afghanistan 2 decades apart.

A man visits Afghanistan and during his visit he got to witness the culture and the differences from his own country. One curious thing that he noticed was that when married couples went for a walk, the men walked in front and the women follows 10 yards behind. His trip ended and he went home.
...

People in Afghanistan aren't allowed to watch TV

because of the telly-ban

What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp?

Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot.

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cr...

Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan?

Targets.



I’ll see myself out.

A Russian tank is parked up, just outside Kyiv, as dawn breaks...

The driver sticks his head out, feels the morning cold and says *'Chilly today, isn't it?*'.

To which the commander replies, '*No, we haven't finished here yet*'.

(A recycled 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan joke)

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of...

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My wife and I roleplay sometimes in the bedroom. Last night we played "war in the middle East"

I was USA and she was Afghanistan. I pulled my troops out and left her fucked.

Why are there no TV's in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teleban.

A beggar in Afghanistan

An Afghan man walks across a busy street when an old lady says ''Please my son, give me $1 in charity.''

''I don't have any.''

''If you don't have that just give a tiny little bit. Praise God, look at your youth, your tie, your strength and beauty. May I be sacrificed for you, just gi...

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to...

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

Treyarch has to release BO4 as Roman numeral IV in Afghanistan

Because in Afghanistan they have Tallyban

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

How did George Bush get Afghanistan pregnant?

He never pulled out

What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?

Bombs

Why aren't there TVs in Afghanistan?

Because of the Teliban.

So this US general gets stationed at some lost, forgotten war-zone in the remotest reaches of Afghanistan.

He gets greeted at the door of his new command by the captain of the troops there. The first thing the General spots – and smells – is this beat up, dirty, flea bitten camel lying in squalor near the entrance to the place.

“Good God man!!” he yells at the captain. “Get that god-forsaken an...

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan?

Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud)

An airplane from the foreign legion is on its way to Afghanistan.

On board the sergeant tells his men, I will pay $200 for a pair of ears and even $500 for a head with beard... the men cheer and applaud him.. a little bit later the plane lands and the soldiers walk off one after the other..A few hours later the men come back with bags filled with ears and chopped...

After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me.

What do you call Afghan triplets?

Twins!

I am so sorry....

Six weeks ago, my brother was deployed by Afghanistan...

And today he called home.

He asked me how things were back here, and so I took a deep breath and told him the truth.

"Your cat died."

My brother was aghast, especially at how coldly I said it.

"Joe, that's not how you break bad news." Miles away, I could hear the frustr...

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I did two tours in Afghanistan and one in Iraq

Thank you for the applause! Not enough people appreciate sex tourists.

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