UPJOKE
tehranafghanistanpakistaniraqrussiaarmeniaisraelturkeymiddle eastsyrialebanonlibyacountryindonesiamacedonia

Ya know I hear Iran has no Walmarts

Only Targets.

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey

Which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than the...

What is the national bird of Iran?

An US drone

Got kidnapped in Iran

Luckily iran

The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him "I had a dream last night...."

"New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above."

Trump replies: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere."

"What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian P...

Iran bans Americans from traveling there.

Won't beheading there anymore

Why doesn't Iran have an Walmarts?

Because they have a Target at every corner.

What did the Arab Nations say when Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz?

OMAN...

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Some street joke from IRAN

Somewhere in Iran a Mullah is walking the street and suddenly falls into a hole.

Some people walking around rush to the top of the hole to help him :

\- Give us your hand !

The Mullah stand still in the bottom of the hole while the people keep shouting to him.

After a fe...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people ask me how I got out of Iran

Well the answer to that is...

Iraq

Oh wait crap

Just got back from my trip to Iran

It was a blast!

My dog's mother is from England and his father is from Iran

He's a pom-iranian

The geography of men and women.

The geography of a woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like ...

People in Iran are scared of spiders

But in Iraq, no phobia.

Word on the street is Iran needs a new General.

Trump is doing so great, he’s even creating jobs in Iran.

Why did a flock of seagulls never tour in iran?

Cause, Iran's so far away!

how did I get from Iraq to Pakistan

Iran

Never take a person from Iran seriously!

You never know when they're being Iranic.

A Middle Eastern guy is driving to a bar.

He gets to the bar, parks his car, walks inside, buys a lot of drinks, and is about to pay when he realizes he left his wallet at home!

The man says, "I'll be right back, Bartender!"

The bartender responds with, "I don't think you're in any condition to be driving right now."

...

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program.

When asked how much time they needed, they said, “10, 9, 8…”

What’s the best country to run a marathon in?

Iran.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

What's all this news about Iran?

Sounds like they are stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

Someone told me to go back to my own country

So Iran

If you were born in Iran and raised in the UK, what does that make you?

A Ukranian?

President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but

It’s been pterodacted

So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

Because there are already too many targets.

(credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran

He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate

How did i escape Iran?

I ran

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

A man and his wife go on a vacation

Days pass until unfortunately, the wife dies.


At the funeral parlor, the undertaker approaches the man and after offering his condolences, says

'We have a wide range of services. We can bury your wife in a coffin like Christians, we can have a cremation like indians, mummification ...

With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask.

If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

I used to have a Persian girlfriend..

But Iran away.

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dont they have Drivers Education and Sex Education class on the same day in Iran

Because it would kill the camel

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

So I asked a refugee how he got from Iraq to Kazakhstan

He responded with Iran

The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"

The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After t...

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

What did I do when a terrorist attacked?

Iran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did I get out of Iran?

Iraq.

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

Michele Bachmann vowed to dismantle the US embassy in Iran, which hasn't existed since the 80s. She also promised to crack down on the USSR, support East Germany, and reestablish ties with the Holy Roman Empire.

[x-post from r/headlinejokes](http://www.reddit.com/r/headlinejokes/comments/mweiw/michele_bachmann_vowed_to_dismantle_the_us/)

ahhh, the negotiator

usa: knock knock


Iran: who's there


usa: door mom


Iran: door mom who


usa: I've come to bargain.

Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq?

Iran

Okay, my humor is a bit dry, but enjoy? I guess? You probably won’t but eh, I don’t care.

So the president asked one of his advisers if there were any Walmart’s in Iran, but his advisor replies:

“Mr. President, there are no Walmart’s in Iran, only targets.”

Trump and McConnell are in a restaurant

They are discussing their plans to invade Iran. A man walks by their table, intrigued by their conversation and asks them what they are talking about.

Trump explains to the man, “We’re going to invade Iran and kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman.”

The man exclaims, “Why...

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

I was going for a walk in the desert in Afghanistan.

Off in the distance I saw what I thought was a mirage but as I got closer I could see it's wasn't a mirage, Israel.

It was two men arguing, so I tried to calm the situation down but they turned against me. The one man threw Iraq, so Iran all the way home.

Agitated by the encounter I t...

Trumps so good at making jobs

He even opened some up in Iran!

The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did?

Iran.

A Geography Lesson from Flock of Seagulls

Y'see, kids, Canada is to the north of the US, and Mexico's to the south, *and Iran, Iran's so far away*.

Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan

And Iran, I ran so far away!

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

I escaped the WW3 draft

I guess you can say Iran

When i realized who was in WW3

Iran

What's flat, black and glows in the dark?

Iran if they keep it up

An Arabian person asked me and said “How did you get out of Iraq”

“Iran”

President Trump is so good at creating jobs.

He even just recently opened up a job in Iran. I heard they’re looking for a new General

What did i do to escape Iraq?

Iran



Don’t worry this story Israel

The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.

And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....

Donald Trump runs into a bar

The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"


Donald replies "No. Iran."

The Chicago Bears new quarterback.

The Chicago Bears were desperately looking for a new quarterback. With all normal options not working out they looked outside the United States. They found a terrorist in Iran who was able to throw a grenade 100 yards and have it go through a 3rd story window every time. The Bears signed him immedi...

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