My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

My wallet is like an onion

Whenever I open it my eyes tear up

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

My brother said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

I threw a coconut at his face

What's the difference between an attorney and an onion?

You cry when you slice up an onion.

I found my dad crying. He said he was chopping Onions

Onions was our dog

Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

I was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a Bee Gees song...

But when I went to look it was just the chives talking.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

Man: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

Man with hand over the phone whispering to his wife, "I thought you said they do the liver?"

Wife: "I said they do deliver."

Man: "Not according to this guy."

What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion?

An ass that will bring you to tears.

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

What do you call a Monk with osteoporosis who likes eating onions and walks everywhere barefoot

He’s a Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Years are like onions:

Millions, Billions, Onions.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

I cried while cutting up an onion today...

...I think I was just reliving the time that onion molested me as a kid.

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

Why was the onion crying?

Because it was cutting itself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onion vagina

A young woman has a vagina that smells terribly like onion. This makes her sentimal life very hard as she is too ashamed to start a relationship.

One night at a club, she overhears a conversation: a cute guy tells some friends he had an accident, and cannot smell anything anymore. The young w...

What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I've never cried when chopping up a hooker.

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

My teenage daughter was worried that she was too one-dimensional when it came to applying for schools. I told her that wasn't true and that she was like an onion. She has many layers.

She also smells really bad and makes me cry.

Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

How did the Onion propose to the other Onion?

With an onion ring

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

What type of onion would Eminem be?

A Rap-Scallion

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A botanist visited an onion farm and said to the farmer:

"I'm sorry but I think your ground is leeking"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a girl whose pussy tastes like onion

Because of that she can't find a boyfriend.
One day a friend of her tells her she knows a man who suffers of a disturb which doesn't make him taste and smell so she arranges a dinner together.
After having had dinner they go to her house and have sex.
While he is licking her pussy he stops ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most of the time you get a hairy onion.


Sometimes though you’ll get a piece of ass that will make you cry.

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

An opinion without 3.14...

is just an onion.

I asked my girlfriend how I should cut the onions for her, her response, "Do them the way you think I would like them."

And now I know what fear is.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans?

Tear Gas

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

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