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Onion Jokes

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

What do you call a rhyming green onion that’s up to no good?

A rapscallion

Whats the diff. between an onion and a bagpipe.

Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

I started crying when Dad was chopping Onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

Cutting up an onion makes me cry,

but hookers have more protein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family is at the dinner table

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

What is difference between my grandmother and onions?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

What did the Onion ask the Garlic for during their divorce?

Allium-ony.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I chop up an onion

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.



"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

My friend thinks he's intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

A woman walks into a grocery store.

She heads to the produce aisle and sees a man stocking the shelves. “Excuse me where are your onions?”
“Ma’am we don’t have any onions today” the man replied.
“Nonsense, I know you have onions today” she replied.
“ ma’am we really don’t” he said again.
“ yes you do” was her response....

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?

He was dicing with death

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

What do you call a Korean ham and onion greeting each other?

Onion-ham say “yo”

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

People are like onions They make me cry

but they smell good when they're cooking

I went to the shops today

And bought . 1 ready meal; 1 banana; 1 onion and 1 can of coke. As the lady was checking the items she look at me and said: “Are you single”? I replied:”yes, how do you know because of all the single item’s “?
She said:”no, it’s because your really, really ugly”.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

A famous pub in Dublin...

There's a famous pub in Dublin, at the top of Camden Street, called the Bleeding Horse. One day, a Clydesdale horse trotted in and ordered a pint of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman was a little taken aback, but Dublin barmen are nothing if not professional, so he served ...

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

My doctor suggested leaving a peeled onion on the table to purify the room of Covid.

I think he needs to adopt a more Moderna pproach to medicine.

I bought some flavoured condoms to try. My wife says "this one's different, cheese and onion"

I said "I haven't put it on yet!"

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

Many vegetables live above ground. Not onions though.

Onions have lairs.

What is the opposite of "onion"?

I guess it could be either of "offioff", "offyouoff", "offion", "onioff", "offyouon" or "onyouoff"

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

What's the difference between a red onion and a brown onion?

About 50 cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

If your home made onion rings don't get crispy, do not give up.

Keep on frying!

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

"The onion" has run out of business

They just say that they have no chance to best Trump at satirical news.

A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

My wallet is like an onion

Everytime I open it I cry

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

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