UPJOKE
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My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

i started crying when dad was cutting onions...

onions was such a good dog.

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

Cutting up an onion makes me cry,

but hookers have more protein.

What is difference between my grandmother and onions?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

What did the Onion ask the Garlic for during their divorce?

Allium-ony.

My friend thinks he's intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?

He was dicing with death

The Dad Jokifier 3000

Respond with a comment and I will attempt to respond with a related dad joke.

Edit: Let me help you out. I'm not your real dad or an insult comic. Keep it simple. For example if you said... "onion" I might respond with...

You are my little onion! You have many layers but always make m...

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

What do you call a Korean ham and onion greeting each other?

Onion-ham say “yo”

My doctor suggested leaving a peeled onion on the table to purify the room of Covid.

I think he needs to adopt a more Moderna pproach to medicine.

People are like onions They make me cry

but they smell good when they're cooking

What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme?

A Rapscallion!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

I bought some flavoured condoms to try. My wife says "this one's different, cheese and onion"

I said "I haven't put it on yet!"

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

A Young beautiful teacher was giving

her class of six year olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked. "an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows you are thinking." "I've now got something round, a greenish colored you can eat it." "An ...

Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal?

Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

I cried whenever my dad cut onions

I miss Onions. He was my favourite brother

Rabbit walks into a clothing store ..

Rabbit walks into a clothing store.  Clerk says to the rabbit 'may I help you, sir?'

Rabbit says 'yes, I'd like a tossed salad with croutons, ranch dressing on the side.'

Clerk looks bewildered and responds 'uhhh, we don't have salads here.'

Rabbit says 'oh really?  Then make...

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

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What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Many vegetables live above ground. Not onions though.

Onions have lairs.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

A lot of people cry when they cut onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ageism joke

A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then ...

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

A bear walks onto a bar and orders a round of drinks.

I'd like 2 pints of Carlsberg, 2 pints of Stella and a packet of . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheese and onion crisps.
The barman asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "so I can rip apart seals"

What was stalin's favourite vegetable?

A soviet onion

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

My wallet is like an onion

Everytime I open it I cry

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion.

What did Shrek use to propose to Fiona?

An onion ring.

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

I cried while cutting up an onion today...

...I think I was just reliving the time that onion molested me as a kid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

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