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Onion Jokes

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I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

My cousin was going on and on about how an onion is the only food that can make you cry without eating it.

So I hit him in the face with a coconut.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her
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What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I dont cry when I cut up a hooker

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Theres these two onions.

Male onion female onion, rolling along then *pop* bang into each other. Instant rapport, a torrential affair begins they couldnt get enough of each other. Pretty soon an onion bonding is occurred not long after that they think to tie the knot, get together, make it legal.

Their union was ble...

My friend drops French fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They’re dropping like fries.

why did Jeffrey Dahmer never eat liver and onions?

He didn't like onions.

What did the Onion ask the Garlic for during their divorce?

Allium-ony.

Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

Most vegetables live above ground. But not onions.

Onions have lairs.

Chuck Norris chopped an onion

The onion cried.

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

Whats the diff. between an onion and a bagpipe.

Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

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Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

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Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?

He was dicing with death

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

What do you call a Korean ham and onion greeting each other?

Onion-ham say “yo”

People are like onions They make me cry

but they smell good when they're cooking

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme?

A Rapscallion!

Some people say they cry when they cut up onions.

I find the secret to not crying is, don't form an emotional bond with them.

What did the greengrocer say when he sold his last onion?

"Thats shallot!"

My doctor suggested leaving a peeled onion on the table to purify the room of Covid.

I think he needs to adopt a more Moderna pproach to medicine.

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

What is the opposite of "onion"?

I guess it could be either of "offioff", "offyouoff", "offion", "onioff", "offyouon" or "onyouoff"

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

The onion joke.

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

My wallet is like an onion

Everytime I open it I cry

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

"The onion" has run out of business

They just say that they have no chance to best Trump at satirical news.

My dad is chopping up Onions in the other room, I’ve been crying all day.

Onions was a good dog, but I’m still pretty excited for taco night.

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

My little brother told me that onions and garlic are the only foods that make you cry

But why did he cry when i threw the coconut at his head?

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

My dad chopped Onions, and I cried...

Onions was such a good dog ;-;

(It’s meh cake day, please don’t booli me)

Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

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