Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

Onions make you cry

My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

A man opened his fridge and swore he heard two onions singing a Bee Gees song.

After closer inspection, he realized it was just chives talking.

What do you call a green onion that spits rhymes?

A rapscallion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Onion vagina

A young woman has a vagina that smells terribly like onion. This makes her sentimal life very hard as she is too ashamed to start a relationship.

One night at a club, she overhears a conversation: a cute guy tells some friends he had an accident, and cannot smell anything anymore. The young w...

The best time to cry is when you're cutting onions.

Cuz everyone thinks it's just the onions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion?

An ass that will bring you to tears.

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

Years are like onions:

Millions, Billions, Onions.

What’s the difference between babies and onions?

I cry when I cut up onions.

My Wallet is like an onion

because when i open it I cry

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

My friends say that my personality is layered, like an Onion...

As you pull the layers back, you continue to find the same thing and start crying.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer is selling produce when a woman walks up to him and asks for some onions.

"Sorry, but we don't have onions here. How about some broccoli or peas?" he suggests.

The woman thinks about it for a moment, then says, "nah, do you have some onions instead?"

The farmer, slightly pissed off, says,"I already told you. We don't carry onions. What about some eggplants ...

What do you call a Monk with osteoporosis who likes eating onions and walks everywhere barefoot

He’s a Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

I cried while cutting up an onion today...

...I think I was just reliving the time that onion molested me as a kid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,...

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

My teenage daughter was worried that she was too one-dimensional when it came to applying for schools. I told her that wasn't true and that she was like an onion. She has many layers.

She also smells really bad and makes me cry.

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

Worried about overcooking your onion?

Don’t sweat it.

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I've never cried when chopping up a hooker.

What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Onions on Thursday

Mrs. O'Malley woke up on a fine Monday and decided to make a delicious stew for her dear husband of 50 years.

She grabbed carrots, potatoes, celery, radishes and a out to the barn for a rabbit. She gathered all the ingredients and was getting ready to start putting them into the pot when she...

What type of onion would Eminem be?

A Rap-Scallion

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

How did the Onion propose to the other Onion?

With an onion ring

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

A botanist visited an onion farm and said to the farmer:

"I'm sorry but I think your ground is leeking"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most of the time you get a hairy onion.


Sometimes though you’ll get a piece of ass that will make you cry.

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I asked my girlfriend how I should cut the onions for her, her response, "Do them the way you think I would like them."

And now I know what fear is.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a girl whose pussy tastes like onion

Because of that she can't find a boyfriend.
One day a friend of her tells her she knows a man who suffers of a disturb which doesn't make him taste and smell so she arranges a dinner together.
After having had dinner they go to her house and have sex.
While he is licking her pussy he stops ...

What do you get if you eat onions and refried beans?

Tear Gas

I want a footlong with teriyaki chicken and onions.

Woops, wrong sub.

An opinion without 3.14...

is just an onion.

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Onion Snatch

One day, 2 women were at a cafe catching up. One of them notices that the other isn't her normal self.

"What's wrong?" Asks one of the women

"I'm feeling really stressed out"

"What's going on?"

"Well to be honest, I haven't had sex in a while"

"And why not? You'...

Just read an emotional story of a woman who overcame incredible odds to make french onion soup

Stirring stuff