I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

My wallet is like an onion

Everytime I open it I cry

What's the difference between an attorney and an onion?

You cry when you slice up an onion.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

Man: "Can I have a pizza with liver and onions."

Dominos: "We don't do liver."

Man with hand over the phone whispering to his wife, "I thought you said they do the liver?"

Wife: "I said they do deliver."

Man: "Not according to this guy."

I cried when my dad was chopping onions...

I’m gonna miss that dog.

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix a donkey and an onion?

A piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye

My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry

So I threw a coconut at his head

What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

Years are like onions:

Millions, Billions, Onions.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

What do you call a Monk with osteoporosis who likes eating onions and walks everywhere barefoot

He’s a Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

My teenage daughter was worried that she was too one-dimensional when it came to applying for schools. I told her that wasn't true and that she was like an onion. She has many layers.

She also smells really bad and makes me cry.

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

I was eating green onions when all of a sudden, I started rhyming everything that I was saying.

It turns out, they were rap scallions.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I've never cried when chopping up a hooker.

Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

A rabbit walks into a pub...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following ...

My friend and I made a bet, who can make the other person cry first using food.

While he went off to shop for onions, I got a coconut, and as he was pulling into the driveway from the grocery store, I threw it into him, smashing the window.

He lost the bet, a window, and a tooth.

A Two-Fer: How is an onion different from a baby?

Answer 1: Onions don't scream when you peel off their skin.

Answer 2: I cry a little bit when I'm chopping up onions.

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

How did the Onion propose to the other Onion?

With an onion ring

What's the difference between an onion and a vegetable?

You cry when you chop up an onion. The rest of the family cries when you chop up a vegetable.

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

What do you call an onion that’s got rhythm, rhyme, and a Soundcloud account?

A rapscallion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

I remember the time when I was reminiscing my love life while cutting onion

The onion cried

What type of onion would Eminem be?

A Rap-Scallion

What's the difference between a 5 lb bag of onions and some bagpipes?

No one cries when you cut up the bagpipes.

Cutting Onion

When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

What do you get when you cross a porcupine and an onion?

A prick so big it makes your eyes water

A botanist visited an onion farm and said to the farmer:

"I'm sorry but I think your ground is leeking"

I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...

It seems saner.

Why’s billy in the hospital?

“Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”

“And?”

“So, I threw a watermelon at his head”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a girl whose pussy tastes like onion

Because of that she can't find a boyfriend.
One day a friend of her tells her she knows a man who suffers of a disturb which doesn't make him taste and smell so she arranges a dinner together.
After having had dinner they go to her house and have sex.
While he is licking her pussy he stops ...

Wanna hear a joke about cutting onions?

It'll have you in tears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most of the time you get a hairy onion.


Sometimes though you’ll get a piece of ass that will make you cry.

Onions

My friend told me that onions are the only edible plant that can make you cry.

I bludgeoned his head with a watermelon.

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Captain

Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50.

In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and o...

A buddhist monk goes to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor drops a kosher beef hot dog into a seed-covered bun and tops it with yellow mustard, chopped white onions, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, relish, hot peppers, celery salt, and black pepper.

The monk hands over a $100 bill and takes the hot dog. The vendor takes the note and sm...

I asked my girlfriend how I should cut the onions for her, her response, "Do them the way you think I would like them."

And now I know what fear is.

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