Onion Jokes - 32 Hilarious Onion Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

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My friend drops French fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They’re dropping like fries.

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What did the Onion ask the Garlic for during their divorce?

Allium-ony.

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My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

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Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I dont cry when I cut up a hooker

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Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

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The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

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Whats the diff. between an onion and a bagpipe.

Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

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Chuck Norris chopped an onion

The onion cried.

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I applied to join a competitive onion chopping team

But I didn't make the cut

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Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?

He was dicing with death

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I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

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What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme?

A Rapscallion!

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My doctor suggested leaving a peeled onion on the table to purify the room of Covid.

I think he needs to adopt a more Moderna pproach to medicine.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theres these two onions.

Male onion female onion, rolling along then *pop* bang into each other. Instant rapport, a torrential affair begins they couldnt get enough of each other. Pretty soon an onion bonding is occurred not long after that they think to tie the knot, get together, make it legal.

Their union was ble...

The onion joke.

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you cross a donkey with and onion?

Well 99 times out of hundred you get an onion with grey floppy ears, but that 100th time-- when the moon is full and the tides are just right-- you get a perfect piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

My Hip Hop name is DJ Green Onion.

But you can call me Rapscallion.

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Have you seen the film about an onion that turns into a spider?

It's called Shallot's Web

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A green onion shouts "Yo, drop the beet!"

Quite the rapscallion.

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What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

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What kind of horse does an onion ride?

A Scallion

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I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

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I cried while cutting up an onion today...

...I think I was just reliving the time that onion molested me as a kid.

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Yesterday my father cried while dicing onion.

Onion was a good dog :'(

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