What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry. I’ll see myself out.

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

What's the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?

Ones a Jack-O'-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N'-Lantern.

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

What do you call it when you put out pumpkins too early and they die before Halloween?

Premature E-Jack-O-Lantern

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

I carve all my pumpkins in September.

I suffer with premature ejackolantern

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

What did the Pumpkin say to Trump?

"Sorry, spooky time is coming up and there isn't a enough orange in the world for both of us."

What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?

Squash

How do rednecks celebrate Halloween?

They pumpkin

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fix a broken Jack o’ Lantern?

With a Pumpkin Patch.

It’s crappy, I know. Saw it on my local library’s wall.

This is getting ridiculous..

Only two days into October and now even COVID is pumpkin spiced.

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

Season appropriate.

What do you call a family of fruits that lift weights in the fall?


Pumpkins!

Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?

Because they call me Peter Peter.

Happy Halloween!

(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?

Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

What do people from Alabama love to do...

Pumpkin

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

Why was Cinderella a lousy basketball player?

She had a pumpkin for a coach.

Who makes the best pumpkin pie?

Gourden Ramsay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Donald Trump and a Halloween Pumpkin have in common?

They're both orange, full of crap and should be thrown out in November.

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

Did you know that Starbucks can make your teeth whiter?

Enough pumpkin spiced latte will make anything whiter

I Love Pumpkins

They’re gourdgeous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

Why was Cinderella bad in sports?

Her coach was a pumpkin and she ran away from the ball.

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?

He sewed on a pumpkin patch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she was having her period and didn’t have any tampons. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpk...

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

What did one Pumpkin say to the other?

Happy Hollowing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

What's Alabama's favorite vegetable?

Pumpkin.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

Request for a punchline

I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.

So here goes.

Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?

Edit : Thank you for the punchlines. Got some chuckles. Much appreciated

What is both a common term of endearment and common past-time in Alabama?

Pumpkin.

What music band is the least popular around Halloween?

The Smashing Pumpkins

A retelling of Cinderella

Cinderella was just told by her evil stepmother that she couldn't go to the ball.

Sitting in a corner, crying, she was surprised by the sudden appearance of her fairy godmother.

"What the hell are you crying for!?" she asked.

"Because I can't go to the ball! Everyone else gets t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.