The 71+ Best Pumpkin Jokes

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

I once won a pumpkin carving contest.

It was a hollow victory.

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?

Quite a few things

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

What do pumpkins, watermelons, and cantaloupes in the path of a steamroller have in common?

They all end up as squash.

Ba dum tiss.

What happened to the pumpkin when he became a Jack-o-lantern?

He was gourd to death.

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

Why are The Smashing Pumpkins afraid of the game Wordle?

Because the Wordle is a vampire

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?

Premature ejackolantern

Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?

To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.

What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?

Damn! We got lit last night!

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?

He was a point gourd.

What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?

Gourdon

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

What's the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?

Ones a Jack-O'-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N'-Lantern.

Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?

Because they call me Peter Peter.

Happy Halloween!

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

Ready to feel old? Smashing Pumpkins’ "1979" came out in 1995, with 16 years between the title and the year of release. If it were written today it would be called

“March, 2020.”

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?

Squash

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

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What do you call a pumpkin that harasses people?

A Jack-Ass O'Lantern

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

What do you find in a pumpkins pants?

A Halloweenie!

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

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The corn drenched in Butter

There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.
Luckily, they found a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and somet...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a pumpkin?

Both are orange and wrinkled but a pumpkin has thicker skin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

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