What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

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A guy has a giant pumpkin for a head.

His friend sees him and goes, “holy shit, what happened to you?”

And the guy goes, “well I found a lamp and I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes.”

“Ok,” says his friend, “what did you wish for?”

“First, I wished for a billion dollars.”

“Second, I...

What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?

Damn! We got lit last night!

Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?

To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?

He was a point gourd.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?

Premature ejackolantern

What do you call a pumpkin carved before October?

A pre-ejackolantern

What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?

Gourdon

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

How does the headless horseman fix a flat tire?

With a pumpkin patch

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin.

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

Ready to feel old? Smashing Pumpkins’ "1979" came out in 1995, with 16 years between the title and the year of release. If it were written today it would be called

“March, 2020.”

What's the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?

Ones a Jack-O'-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N'-Lantern.

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?

Squash

Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?

Because they call me Peter Peter.

Happy Halloween!

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pumpkin that harasses people?

A Jack-Ass O'Lantern

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

What did the Pumpkin say to Trump?

"Sorry, spooky time is coming up and there isn't a enough orange in the world for both of us."

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

I Love Pumpkins

They’re gourdgeous

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy smuggling olive

The cops caught a guy smuggling 2 jars of a very expensive olive, so as a punishment they made him put every olive in his ass. He gladly did and was laughing while putting them in his ass.

- Why you're laughing? Asked a cop.

- The guy answered: My friend after me is smuggling a contain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fix a broken Jack o’ Lantern?

With a Pumpkin Patch.

It’s crappy, I know. Saw it on my local library’s wall.

This is getting ridiculous..

Only two days into October and now even COVID is pumpkin spiced.

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

Why was Cinderella a lousy basketball player?

She had a pumpkin for a coach.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

Did you know that Starbucks can make your teeth whiter?

Enough pumpkin spiced latte will make anything whiter

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