What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?

Because they call me Peter Peter.

Happy Halloween!

(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?

Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

A retelling of Cinderella

Cinderella was just told by her evil stepmother that she couldn't go to the ball.

Sitting in a corner, crying, she was surprised by the sudden appearance of her fairy godmother.

"What the hell are you crying for!?" she asked.

"Because I can't go to the ball! Everyone else gets t...

What does trump have in common with a pumpkin?

They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November

I Love Pumpkins

They’re gourdgeous

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

What did one Pumpkin say to the other?

Happy Hollowing!

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?

He sewed on a pumpkin patch.

Request for a punchline

I'm not sure if this is the sub for it. Went through the rules but couldn't find anything on the matter.

So here goes.

Why did the skeleton carve the pumpkin?

Edit : Thank you for the punchlines. Got some chuckles. Much appreciated

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

If I was ever in a war...

instead of throwing a hand grenade, I think I'd throw one of those tiny pumpkins...

Maybe, the other person would see that pumpkin and think about how dumb war is. About all the other things we could be doing like going on walks, drinking a beer, and spending time with loved ones.

And...

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

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What do you call a pumpkin that harasses people?

A Jack-Ass O'Lantern

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

What is both a common term of endearment and common past-time in Alabama?

Pumpkin.

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

What music band is the least popular around Halloween?

The Smashing Pumpkins

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

What did the white girl say when she found out pumpkin spice lattes were considered basic?

"My whole life is a lye!"

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

What did Cinderella say when her carriage turned into a pumpkin?

Oh my gord!

Cinderella

So Cinderella is going to go out with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

"Absolutely not!" says the Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are all of these little princes running around."

...

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

Why doesn’t cinderella play sports?

Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and runs away from the ball.

What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin?

The pumpkin is bright.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Cinderella was being a brat...

Cinderella was being bitchy and bratty days before the ball and it pissed her fairy godmother off something furious. To teach her a lesson, the fairy godmother said;

"Look I'm not going to be heartless. You can go to the ball and dance with Prince Charming, but if you're back ONE MINUTE after...

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The true story of cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dres out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella pleaded....

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

What do you find in a pumpkins pants?

A Halloweenie!

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

What did the pumpkin pie say to the cheesecake as they were going into the oven?

I think this is a set up!

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So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

Apple pie costs 2$ in Cuba

Pumpkin pie costs 3$ in Jamaica

Banana pie costs 2.5$ in Puerto Rico

These are the PieRates of the Caribbean



What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

I don’t celebrate Halloween but if I did I’d be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

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