UPJOKE
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What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?

Quite a few things

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

What do you call a pretty pumpkin?

Gourdgeous.

What do pumpkins, watermelons, and cantaloupes in the path of a steamroller have in common?

They all end up as squash.

Ba dum tiss.

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

Comedian Gallagher, Famous for Smashing Watermelons, dies at 76

He wasn't as good as Smashing Pumpkins, but he made a splash.

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the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

A guy walks into a bar....

... and orders a pumpkin spice beer. "Have you decided on a Halloween costume yet?" the bartender asks. "Not yet. I was going to go as a bandaid, but I decided against it," the guy replies. "It's really hard to pull off."

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you notice that someone broke your Jack O' Lantern you've got outside?" he comments to the bartender. "Dang it. I spent a lot of time on that and now it's just trash," the bartender complains. "Oh, it's not that bad. I bet you can fix it," the guy says....

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A guy has a giant pumpkin for a head.

His friend sees him and goes, “holy shit, what happened to you?”

And the guy goes, “well I found a lamp and I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes.”

“Ok,” says his friend, “what did you wish for?”

“First, I wished for a billion dollars.”

“Second, I...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

###

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.


"First, you must wear a diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees.


"What's the se...

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?

Premature ejackolantern

Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?

To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.

Long marriage

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you...

What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?

Damn! We got lit last night!

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?

He was a point gourd.

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?

Gourdon

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

What's the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?

Ones a Jack-O'-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N'-Lantern.

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

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The other day I met a man with a pumpkin head

I asked the man, "How in the world did you get that pumpkin head?"

"Well, it's a funny story," he explains, "I was walking around the other day when I found a lamp. I rubbed the lamp and out popped a magical genie! As genies do, he offered me three wishes."

"Well, what'd you wish for?"...

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?

Because they call me Peter Peter.

Happy Halloween!

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Ready to feel old? Smashing Pumpkins’ "1979" came out in 1995, with 16 years between the title and the year of release. If it were written today it would be called

“March, 2020.”

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?

Squash

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

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What do you call a pumpkin that harasses people?

A Jack-Ass O'Lantern

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

What does a cancer survivor who just baked a pumpkin pie say?

"I made it."

Credit to my wonderful brother.

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

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