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Pumpkin Jokes

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Why did the Mexican pumpkin have to go on a diet?

Because he was gourd-o.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

I once won a pumpkin carving contest.

It was a hollow victory.

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pumpkin patch surprise

A guy gets invited to a Halloween party at a farm just a mile outside town. He has a little too much to drink, and being responsible, decides to walk home and come back to get his car later.

On the walk home, he suddenly has a rumble in his stomach. He has to take a shit immediately. He ...

I'm drunk and I might've made up a joke?

What do people in Alabama do on Halloween?




Pumpkin.

What do you call a pumpkin carved before Halloween?

A pre-ejack o’lantern

Why does a redditor carve a pumpkin?

To distract himself from the fact that he is too, just a lifeless round object putting on a fake smile when another person is near.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

Heard this on Psychostick's livestream :3

What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?

Quite a few things

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What do rednecks affectionately call it when they are having sex with relatives?

Pumpkin

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball?

He was a point gourd.

What do you call a man wearing a pumpkin hat?

Gourdon

What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?

Damn! We got lit last night!

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

What instrument does a pumpkin play?

An a-gourd-ian.

(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

What do you call carving a pumpkin in September?

Premature ejackolantern

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A guy has a giant pumpkin for a head.

His friend sees him and goes, “holy shit, what happened to you?”

And the guy goes, “well I found a lamp and I rubbed it and a genie popped out and granted me three wishes.”

“Ok,” says his friend, “what did you wish for?”

“First, I wished for a billion dollars.”

“Second, I...

Dang girl, are you a pumpkin?

Because they call me Peter Peter.

Happy Halloween!

What's the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?

Ones a Jack-O'-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N'-Lantern.

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?

Squash

Which is the the most incestuous fruit?

The pumpkin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

What do you find in a pumpkins pants?

A Halloweenie!

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple pie. $3 for pumpkin pie.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.

Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

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