How do you fix a pumpkin with a hole in it?

...you give it a pumpkin patch.

What does a pumpkin's circumference and it diameter have in common?

Pumpkin pie.

Cinderella

So Cinderella is going to go out with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

"Absolutely not!" says the Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are all of these little princes running around."

...

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

What does trump have in common with a pumpkin?

They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November

What did one Pumpkin say to the other?

Happy Hollowing!

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

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What do you call a pumpkin that harasses people?

A Jack-Ass O'Lantern

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

What did the pumpkin do when he ripped his pants?

He sewed on a pumpkin patch.

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

What did the white girl say when she found out pumpkin spice lattes were considered basic?

"My whole life is a lye!"

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

What did Cinderella say when her carriage turned into a pumpkin?

Oh my gord!

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin?

The pumpkin is bright.

What is both a common term of endearment and common past-time in Alabama?

Pumpkin.

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Donald Trump is like a Halloween pumpkin...

Orange, full of slime, evil grin, and thrown out in early November.

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

What do you find in a pumpkins pants?

A Halloweenie!

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

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The true story of cinderella

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dres out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella pleaded....

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

Why doesn’t cinderella play sports?

Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and runs away from the ball.

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a pict...

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

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Cinderella was being a brat...

Cinderella was being bitchy and bratty days before the ball and it pissed her fairy godmother off something furious. To teach her a lesson, the fairy godmother said;

"Look I'm not going to be heartless. You can go to the ball and dance with Prince Charming, but if you're back ONE MINUTE after...

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So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Apple pie costs 2$ in Cuba

Pumpkin pie costs 3$ in Jamaica

Banana pie costs 2.5$ in Puerto Rico

These are the PieRates of the Caribbean



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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

How do rednecks celebrate Hallowe'en?

They pumpkin

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There was a young climber named Ed...

There was a young climber named Ed

No mountain could fill him with dread

Then he met a big fatty

named Pumpkin-Ass Patty

And he said, "I'll do Everest instead".

I don’t celebrate Halloween but if I did I’d be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do West Virginians and gourds have in common?

They pumpkin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the other word for people who fuck their relatives?

Pumpkin.

I think my mirror is broken

I said pumpkin spice latte 3 times in front of it and no white girl in yoga pants appeared.

5 Jokes About Pi

1. Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi

2. I saw a movie and gave it a 3.1415 out of 5.
It was Life of Pi

3. My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision

4. Who was the r...

What does Lil Pump call his fanbase?

The Pumpkin.

How’d you fix a jack a lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch!

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be...

Would you ever consider yourself a beautiful gourd?

Because you look smashing, pumpkin.

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[NSFW] Cinderella is at the ball...

The fairy godmother was very specific in her instructions. "You must be back before midnight...when the clock strikes 12 your carriage will turn back into a pumpkin, your horses will turn back to mice and your vagina will become a pumpkin".

It's a wonderful evening at the Prince's ball. Cinde...

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X-Rated Cinderella

You all know the story, Cinderella makes a deal with the Fairy Godmother to go out to the ball, but this time, at midnight, its her downstairs that turns into a pumpkin.

So away she goes to find her Prince, while the Fairy Godmother sits at home waiting.

12 o'clock rolls around, and th...

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Cinderella is late for the ball when her period comes.

To her great relief, her fairy godmother is able to fashion a magic tampon out of a pumpkin. But she warns her, “you MUST be home before midnight, or it will turn right back!”

Midnight comes and goes, and the fairy godmother goes from angry to terribly worried. At 5 am Cinderella shows up, sm...

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