What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

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A man is driving home one night while very aroused

As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.

He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the pol...

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry. I’ll see myself out.

Kids: "There isn't enough sugar in the pumpkin filling!" Dad: "Hey, cooking is an art, not a science..."

"... you can't calculate pie."

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Ready to feel old? Smashing Pumpkins’ "1979" came out in 1995, with 16 years between the title and the year of release. If it were written today it would be called

“March, 2020.”

What's the difference between a pumpkin and a fleshlight?

Ones a Jack-O'-Lantern, the other is a Jack-N'-Lantern.

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur.

I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.

What was the pumpkin after he was stabbed 17 times in the chest?

He was gourd.

Did you hear about the pumpkins that went to the gym?

They wanted to become jacked-o-lanterns.

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

What do you get when you flat pack a pumpkin?

Squash

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

What did the Pumpkin say to Trump?

"Sorry, spooky time is coming up and there isn't a enough orange in the world for both of us."

What did the sweet potato say to the pumpkin?

"I yam what I yam"

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A guy smuggling olive

The cops caught a guy smuggling 2 jars of a very expensive olive, so as a punishment they made him put every olive in his ass. He gladly did and was laughing while putting them in his ass.

- Why you're laughing? Asked a cop.

- The guy answered: My friend after me is smuggling a contain...

Where do pumpkins hold meetings?

The gourdroom

What do Alabamian families do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

What instrument does a pumpkin play?

An a-gourd-ian.

(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?

Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.

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What do Donald Trump and a Halloween Pumpkin have in common?

They're both orange, full of crap and should be thrown out in November.

The girl I'm dating loves pumpkin spice lattes and uggs, but she's honestly pretty odd

She literally can't even

A pumpkin and her husband go out for a special dinner date.

They meet each other after work at a table within the restaurant.

Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “Gourdgeous as ever dear.”

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

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How do you fix a broken Jack o’ Lantern?

With a Pumpkin Patch.

It’s crappy, I know. Saw it on my local library’s wall.

This is getting ridiculous..

Only two days into October and now even COVID is pumpkin spiced.

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What do you call a pumpkin that harasses people?

A Jack-Ass O'Lantern

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkins, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?

Medicine

... runs off ...

I sell pies from my car. $2 for apple pie. $3 for pumpkin pie.

These are the pie rates of the car I be in.

Why was Cinderella a lousy basketball player?

She had a pumpkin for a coach.

Season appropriate.

What do you call a family of fruits that lift weights in the fall?


Pumpkins!

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

Tried to spike my pumpkin spice latte with LSD and it exploded

That’s what happens when you mix acid and basic

Where would you rate Smashing Pumpkins in your top 90's bands?

For me, I'd rate them Less than Jake but Better than Ezra.

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A cop is driving down a country road at night, when he sees a drunk guy sitting in some farmer's pumpkin patch...

The cop pulls over and walks up with his flashlight. To his surprise, the drunk has his pants down, and he's fucking a pumpkin.

"You mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing, son?"

The drunk looks up at the cop, looks down at the pumpkin, and says, "Oh no! Is it midnight al...

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

Throw your rotting pumpkins at pretty people.

It is a sure way of calling them Gourdeous.

What did one Pumpkin say to the other?

Happy Hollowing!

I recently decided to stop smashing pumpkins cold turkey.

It was difficult at first, but it got easier once I decided to use the pumpkin patch.

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

Pumpkins are the most beautiful crop.

They're absolutely gourd-geous.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What do you find in a pumpkins pants?

A Halloweenie!

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

A pumpkin says to a jack-o'-lantern "All we ever do is sit around on the stoop. Don't you want to mix it up, try something different?"

The jack-o'-lantern says "I don't have the guts."

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The difference between sex and pumpkin carving?

In pumpkin carving, one is trying to get all of the seeds out.

Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

Did you know that Starbucks can make your teeth whiter?

Enough pumpkin spiced latte will make anything whiter

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head?

gourd to death

Why was Cinderella bad in sports?

Her coach was a pumpkin and she ran away from the ball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

I saw a beautiful pumpkin today...

It was gourdeous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous .

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public i...

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

You have a pumpkin.

You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

I created a robot that serves me pumpkin spice lattes...

Naturally, I coded in BASIC

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

A 900 kilogram pumpkin fell on a local man today.

Reports say he was squashed.

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

What's Alabama's favorite vegetable?

Pumpkin.

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