UPJOKE
vegetablezucchinimelonwatermeloncucumis sativuscucumber vinelettuceeggplanttomatocabbageonionceleryradishgourdasparagus

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

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I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber...

I said "Woah what are you doing?! I was gonna eat that later....now its gonna be all disgusting and cucumbery"

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

I just pickled a cucumber!

It's kind of a big dill.

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

What do eggplants, zucchini and cucumber all have in common ?

none of them looks like a peach

Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled?

He made a dill with the devil.

What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber?

Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them?

So you can still eat them after usage

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

What did the Sea Urchin say to the Sea Cucumber?

With fronds like these, who needs anenomies?

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A cucumber , a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said : "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says: "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."
...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are debating...

The cucumber says, "Life sucks. I've got it the worst. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they eat me".
.
.
The pickle says, "What? That's nothing. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they shove me in a small jar of salty water for a long time and then they eat me".
.<...

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Did you know cucumbers are really good for your memory?

Someone shoved one up my ass 20 years ago, and I still remember it!

"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else,

**I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

Why did the cucumber blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus.

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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

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A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

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The pickled cucumber factory

Darren used to work at a pickled foods factory. He worked with the cucumber slicer that would be one of the last steps before the cucumbers went into their little jars. Everything was going well, until one day, he came back to his wife feeling ashamed and sad.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked....

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A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber.

Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sharing how hard their lives are

Cucumber: I got it worse, people chop me up and put me on salads!

Pickle: No I got it worse, people dice me up and put me on hot dogs!

Penis: You think that’s bad, I get a bag put over my head, shoved into a dark room and get beat up till I puke!

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My wife said she likes giving me head because my penis is the size of a cucumber.

I think she's blowing it out of proportion.

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

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I have a friend who used a cucumber as a dildo but got it stuck for a long time...

Is she stuck in a pickle or is a pickle stuck in her?

Why did the cucumber cross the street?

Because it was green.

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

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The cucumber, the pickle and the penis...

After a long, difficult day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis are all sitting at a bar and talking about all the reasons life sucks. The cucumber goes first.
"I know I've got it the worst; when I get big and juicy, they slice me up and put me on a bed of leaves or drown me in water, it's terrible...

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed.

" Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are walking down the street talking amongst themselves about who has the hardest life...

The cucumber says, “I have the hardest life. Whenever I get big, thick, and juicy, they chop me up and put me into salads. It’s horrible!”

The pickle and the penis start giggling. The pickle replies, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get big, thick, and juicy, I get stuffed into this ...

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In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard:

"Children, could someone tell me what is this?"
Johny raises his hand: "It's a dick, teacher!"
The teacher bursts into tears and runs out. Shortly, the principal rushes in:
"All right, what did you do now? Which one of you brought your teacher to tears? And who the hell drew that dick o...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored ...

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got b...

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

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This cucumber, a carrot and a penis were all discussing which one of them had the worst life.

The cucumber says: "man, my life sucks. The first part of my life I spent in the dirt, and now I'm stuck in a freezer waiting for someone to chop me up and toss me on that salad. It doesn't get worse than this."

The carrot says: "oh yeah, look at my life. I also spent the first part of my l...

Your in a cucumber right now.

The longer you wait, the more of a pickle its going to be.

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Where do porn stars buy their cucumbers?

Hole Foods

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

What do you call 10 cucumbers in line?

Queuecumbers

What did the carrot say when his wife caught him in bed with a cucumber?

Seems I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle.

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A cucumber, a pickle and a pecker were hangin out together...

they talked, and stumbled upon the topic of their demise.

Cucumber: My end sucks, when I get big, thick and juicy, they slice me up for their salads.

Pickle: wAhWaH. When I get big, thick and juicy, they grind me up into bottles for their burders.

Pecker: That ain't shit! When ...

Welcome to cucumber club...

“Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

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What’s long and hard and has cum in the middle?

Cucumber.

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I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.

I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"

"No!" she gasped.

I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

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Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory?

The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!

What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber?

Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home

A cucumber walks into a bar

A cucumber walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "you got any ID?"
The cucumber hands him his license.
The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

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Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar

The Englishman walks into the bar, approaches the horrendous looking barmaid and asks for something to eat. The Barmaid demands sex for food.

The Englishman declines quickly exiting the bar.

The Irishman then walks into the bar and approaches the same horrendous looking barmaid. The ba...

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A Guy Goes Grocery Shopping

A guy goes grocery shopping & fills his cart with 1 Cucumber, 3 Carrots & a jar of Nutella.

He heads to the checkout. The cashier looks at his items and says, “Oh. You must be single, huh?”

“Yes actually I am. How’d you know?” replied the guy.

“Because you’re fucking ug...

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?

Sushi

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

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Miss Jones wanted to teach her class about vegetables

So she drew a large cucumber on the blackboard and said "what's that"

"It's a cock, miss" piped up Little Johnny.

"That's *it*, Little Johnny, I've had *enough* of your filthy cheek, I'm getting the headmaster" pronounced Miss Jones.

A few moments later the headmaster stomped in...

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

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Woman goes to Green Groceries

Woman enters the green groceries and says "I would like a cucumber please"

Shop assistant asks if she wants it whole or sliced.

"I've got a fanny not a fucking slot machine" she replied.

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

What do you call a Parisian who enjoys canning cucumbers?

A French Pickler.

Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea?

Because they're sea pickles!

At the golf course

A man was waiting for an open tee at a golf course when a stranger walked up with a set of clubs and asked,

\- “I’m by myself today - wanna pair up?”

The first man was glad to have a partner, so he agreed, and off they went.

The stranger turned out to be a salesman for male en...

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

(EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

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