UPJOKE
vegetablezucchinimelonwatermelonlettuceeggplanttomatocabbageonionceleryradishgourdasparagusbroccolipineapple

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Does anyone else find that cucumber makes them burp a lot?

Or am I just shoving mine up too far?

Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them?

So you can still eat them after usage

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A pickle, a cucumber, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad."

The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten."

The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they thro...

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Did you know cucumbers are really good for your memory?

Someone shoved one up my ass 20 years ago, and I still remember it!

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

I just pickled a cucumber!

It's kind of a big dill.

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Cucumber, pickle and penis....

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.


The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.


The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fa...

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I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber...

I said "Woah what are you doing?! I was gonna eat that later....now its gonna be all disgusting and cucumbery"

What do eggplants, zucchini and cucumber all have in common ?

none of them looks like a peach

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

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A Guy Goes Grocery Shopping

A guy goes grocery shopping & fills his cart with 1 Cucumber, 3 Carrots & a jar of Nutella.

He heads to the checkout. The cashier looks at his items and says, “Oh. You must be single, huh?”

“Yes actually I am. How’d you know?” replied the guy.

“Because you’re fucking ug...

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

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what's big and hard and has cum in the middle?

Cucumber

At the golf course

A man was waiting for an open tee at a golf course when a stranger walked up with a set of clubs and asked,

\- “I’m by myself today - wanna pair up?”

The first man was glad to have a partner, so he agreed, and off they went.

The stranger turned out to be a salesman for male en...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

"If I ever need to buy a cucumber and nothing else,

**I'll also buy lube so the cashier doesn't think I'm vegan."**

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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where the cucumber goes.

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Woman goes to Green Groceries

Woman enters the green groceries and says "I would like a cucumber please"

Shop assistant asks if she wants it whole or sliced.

"I've got a fanny not a fucking slot machine" she replied.

Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled?

He made a dill with the devil.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are debating...

The cucumber says, "Life sucks. I've got it the worst. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they eat me".
.
.
The pickle says, "What? That's nothing. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they shove me in a small jar of salty water for a long time and then they eat me".
.<...

What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber?

Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

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Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory?

The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!

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Where do porn stars buy their cucumbers?

Hole Foods

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

What do you call 10 cucumbers in line?

Queuecumbers

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

What do you call a Parisian who enjoys canning cucumbers?

A French Pickler.

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A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis...

An oldie from High School.



A Cucumber, A Pencil, and A Penis all are having a conversation about how rough their lives are.

The Cucumber says to them, "My life sucks. They either chop me up and throw me in a salad or they drown me in a jar until my body turns sour and eat me."<...

How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience.

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Russian Little Johnny Joke

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?"

Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!"

The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.

Shortly, the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now?...

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus.

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A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber.

Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sharing how hard their lives are

Cucumber: I got it worse, people chop me up and put me on salads!

Pickle: No I got it worse, people dice me up and put me on hot dogs!

Penis: You think that’s bad, I get a bag put over my head, shoved into a dark room and get beat up till I puke!

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My wife said she likes giving me head because my penis is the size of a cucumber.

I think she's blowing it out of proportion.

Larry the Cucumber was having trouble.

Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I ...

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

A lady is shopping at the greengrocer's.

— The lady: What beautiful cucumbers! So long and big, how much does one cost?
— The greengrocer: it costs $ 1 but if you get two I'll give you a discount, $ 1.50 for both.
— The lady: Ok, I'll take two, maybe I can eat one.

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I have a friend who used a cucumber as a dildo but got it stuck for a long time...

Is she stuck in a pickle or is a pickle stuck in her?

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

Why did the cucumber cross the street?

Because it was green.

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Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers

Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbers

Doctor: no, it can really harm your dick

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The pickled cucumber factory

Darren used to work at a pickled foods factory. He worked with the cucumber slicer that would be one of the last steps before the cucumbers went into their little jars. Everything was going well, until one day, he came back to his wife feeling ashamed and sad.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked....

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea?

Because they're sea pickles!

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are walking down the street talking amongst themselves about who has the hardest life...

The cucumber says, “I have the hardest life. Whenever I get big, thick, and juicy, they chop me up and put me into salads. It’s horrible!”

The pickle and the penis start giggling. The pickle replies, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. When I get big, thick, and juicy, I get stuffed into this ...

Why did the cucumber blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right...

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

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A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.

Cucumber: “Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us”

Pickle: “Man, that’s nothing. When I’m plump and juicy they slice me up, lay m...

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

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The cucumber, the pickle and the penis...

After a long, difficult day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis are all sitting at a bar and talking about all the reasons life sucks. The cucumber goes first.
"I know I've got it the worst; when I get big and juicy, they slice me up and put me on a bed of leaves or drown me in water, it's terrible...

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

A man in line for cucumbers in USSR is fed up

and says to the man behind him in line "This is BS! I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody in the Kremlin!".

He returns to the line with a dejected look on his face a couple of hours later. Everyone asks "What happened? Did you kill them?"

He answers "No. The line was even long...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored ...

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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

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A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got b...

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed.

" Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "

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An RAF KC-2 Extender refuelling aircraft and two Eurofighter Typhoons were returning to their base in Cypress...

After flying a 4 hour patrol of the Ukrainian border.

The Typhoon leader called the Tanker pilot and asked “Don’t you guys get bored just punching circles in the sky for hours? Watch this...”

And he proceeded to do a barrel roll around the tanker.

“Impressive!” Said the KC-2 Ca...

A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, “Yep, they’re 79 cents each or two for a dollar.” She said, “Okay, give me two, I’ll eat one.”

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I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.

I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"

"No!" she gasped.

I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

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A cucumber, a pickle and a pecker were hangin out together...

they talked, and stumbled upon the topic of their demise.

Cucumber: My end sucks, when I get big, thick and juicy, they slice me up for their salads.

Pickle: wAhWaH. When I get big, thick and juicy, they grind me up into bottles for their burders.

Pecker: That ain't shit! When ...

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

Welcome to cucumber club...

“Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

Eggplants are part of the cucumber family alongside tomatoes and zuccinis making them fruits...

And not eggs

What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?

Sushi

What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber?

Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

A pair of elderly ladies are in line at a checkout...

They both have a cucumber, costing $2 each.


Young cashier says to them: 'That will be $4, but we have a special of 3 for $5'


The two ladies look at each other & 1 says to the other: 'Well, we could always eat one...'

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

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