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What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw m...

What do you call 10 cucumbers lined up waiting for a bus?

A quecumber

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

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What did the redneck say when he walked in on his daughter using a cucumber to masturbate?

Hey! I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like cucumber.

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A teacher draws a cucumber on a chalkboard in a biology class, and asks the students what it is.

One student raises his hand and says.

“That’s a dick ma’am”

The teacher is horrified and runs to the principals office.

A few minutes later, the principal walks in.

“Alright! Who made the teacher cry? And who the hell drew a dick on the board?!”

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Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers

Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbers

Doctor: no, it can really harm your dick

Why did the cucumber cross the street?

Because it was green.

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I caught my sister masturbating with a cucumber last night. I was going to eat it...

but now her pussy will just taste like a cucumber.

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What's long, hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber

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A cucumber, a pickle and a pecker were hangin out together...

they talked, and stumbled upon the topic of their demise.

Cucumber: My end sucks, when I get big, thick and juicy, they slice me up for their salads.

Pickle: wAhWaH. When I get big, thick and juicy, they grind me up into bottles for their burders.

Pecker: That ain't shit! When ...

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, “Yep, they’re 79 cents each or two for a dollar.” She said, “Okay, give me two, I’ll eat one.”

What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber?

A radish.

Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber?

Sir, that's a cactus.

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

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My penis is like a mini cucumber.

Its never enough to satisfy and it goes bad really fast.

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman’s test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she’s pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
...

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later. ...

I fell in love with a cucumber farmer.

We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.

Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I was trapped inside a cucumber, then it fell into vinegar

Now I'm really in a pickle.

What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber?

Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

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This cucumber, a carrot and a penis were all discussing which one of them had the worst life.

The cucumber says: "man, my life sucks. The first part of my life I spent in the dirt, and now I'm stuck in a freezer waiting for someone to chop me up and toss me on that salad. It doesn't get worse than this."

The carrot says: "oh yeah, look at my life. I also spent the first part of my l...

Welcome to cucumber club...

“Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

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A Cucumber, Banana and a Penis are having a conversation...

The Banana says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big and grown up my skin gets ripped off and I am shoved into a dark cave before being crushed to pieces."



The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? As soon as I get big and grown up, they slice me up and put me in...

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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

Why did the cucumber blush?

It saw the salad dressing

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

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A penis, a pickle and a cucumber.

A penis, a pickle and a cucumber are sitting at a table all of whom are distraught.

Cucumber: “Man my life sucks. Every time I get big fat and juicy, these humans slice us up, toss us in a salad and eat us”

Pickle: “Man, that’s nothing. When I’m plump and juicy they slice me up, lay m...

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The cucumber, the pickle and the penis...

After a long, difficult day, a cucumber, a pickle and a penis are all sitting at a bar and talking about all the reasons life sucks. The cucumber goes first.
"I know I've got it the worst; when I get big and juicy, they slice me up and put me on a bed of leaves or drown me in water, it's terrible...

A Beautiful Woman Loves Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. "The woman decides to do t...

Uh, hi. Yeah, I'll have a six-inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on Honey Oat, please. No, thanks, no double meat or cheese. Yeah, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, banana peppers, and..."

*checks phone* Oh, shoot. Wrong sub.

Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water...

I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.

A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said:

Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!

A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber

"What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"

I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle

Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.

A cucumber walks into a bar

A cucumber walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "you got any ID?"
The cucumber hands him his license.
The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."

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The pickled cucumber factory

Darren used to work at a pickled foods factory. He worked with the cucumber slicer that would be one of the last steps before the cucumbers went into their little jars. Everything was going well, until one day, he came back to his wife feeling ashamed and sad.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked....

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I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.

I said, "Have you been masturbating with this?"

"No!" she gasped.

I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my ass? " My wife screamed.

" Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis at bar...

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored ...

I like my woman just like my cucumbers

Pickled

What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?

Sushi

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[NSFW] A pickle, a cucumber and a penis are having a discussion...

The cucumber says "I have it bad, when I get big and strong I get cut up into little pieces and put in salads." The pickle says "I have it worse, I start out as a cucumber and when I get big and strong I'm put into a jar of vinegar for ages then cut up and put in sandwiches." The penis says "I have ...

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got b...

A cucumber made a dill with the devil.

He's in quite a pickle now.

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ?

Lets make salat

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

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A dude is pissing at a urinal, when a short shrimpy guy steps up to the urinal next to him...

The dude is about to laugh at how frail and weak the guy looks, but he happens to catch a glimpse of the dude's shlong, fat as a pepperoni and as long as a cucumber.

"Holy fucking hell!" the guy says. "Not to sound gay or anything, but that's the biggest cock I've ever seen in my life!"
<...

3 women are sat at a bar

They're having a conversation about how loose they are

The first says "I could fit a sausage up mine"

The second says "Only a sausage? I could fit a cucumber up there"

The third slides down the bar stool

Roses are 6, yellow is a number

I’m having a stroke, call a cucumber

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Why you shouldn't be unfaithful.

A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do i know you?' he asks. She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?' He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says 'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my buddy's party while your friend spa...

3 women in a bar

3 women in a bar are having fun until they started comparing how much they can stuff inside them.

The first woman grabbed a pickle and started putting it in.

The second woman then asked the waiter for a cucumber and she stuffed the whole thing inside her.

The third looked at t...

All right, I know one joke.

Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea... 

Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up. 

Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.

And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.

There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were wal...

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?”

He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

Ripening the tomatoes

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem.

The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright r...

So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.

When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.

He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lo...

A boy complains to his father

“Dad, you told me to put a cucumber in my swimming shorts to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to tell me something!”

“Really, What was that?”, said the father

“The cucumber was supposed to go in the front”

A woman goes to the store

She buys a cucumber, Greek yogurt, a gallon of milk, 2L Fanta, a loaf of bread, 6 pack of miller lites, can of olives and raisins. She then walks up to the counter places the items in front of the cash register. The cashier looks at the items, looks at her and then back at the items and says "I know...

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A young man was standing in line in the supermarket..

... When he notices a hot brunette waving at him and smiling. He was surprised to see such a gorgeous woman notice him and he felt he knew her from somewhere, no idea where, so he asked her:

"Excuse me, do we know each other from somewhere?

She replied:"I may be mistaken, but i think y...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

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Pedro worked in a fine pickle factory in Mexico City

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of ...

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...