UPJOKE
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If life is giving you melons...

You are probably dyslexic.

A melon tells the another melon that they should run away and get married

The second melon sighs and says we cantaloupe

What do you do when life hands you melons?

Acknowledge you may have dyslexia.

The bands Def Leppard and Blind Melon did a collaboration.

They called the song “Helen Keller”.


Courtesy of my adult daughter onto which my ‘dad humor’ has clearly rubbed off!!

Why do melons have big weddings?

They cantaloupe

What kind of melon can't get married in Las Vegas?

Cantaloupe

...I'm sorry.

Why did the Melons not get Married?

Because they Cantelope

Why is that women with small melons are the one's in shotgun weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the two melons in love?

They want to run away together but unfortunately they cantaloupe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

If live gives you melons.

You probably have dyslexia.

What kind of cancer does fruit get?

Melon-oma

What did the melon say when his lawn looked dry.

Guess it's time to watermalawn.

What did the melon say when her boyfriend proposed?

Yes, but we cantaloupe.

One melon asks another melon to marry it. The other melon said-

"Sorry I cantaloupe."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman: "Hey honey, I went to the gynecologist and he said my vagina is like a melon..."

Man: "Is it that big?"

Woman: "No, I think is kinda sweet."

You know why you cant marry a melon?

.
.
.
.
They cantaloupe ;)

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon and says

“honey, I love you and I just can’t wait to get married. Let’s just run off to the farmers market and get it done.”

And the melon says, “baby I love you too, but I just cantaloupe”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onions and Christmas Trees

A couple with a son and a daughter was having a meal together.

At a certain point, the son decides to ask the father:

“Dad, how many types of boobs are there?”

“Three.”

“How so?”

“When you’re 20, they’re like melons: gorgeous and round. When you’re 40, they’re like...

Did you hear about the two melons who couldn’t get married?

They can’t elope

Why did the melon go to jail?

Because it committed a melony.

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

The orange asked the melon: "Hey, want to get married?"

The melon said: "Sorry, I canteloupe"

Two melons are in love...

After decades of conflict and war, the people of Watermelon Kingdom and Cataloupe Country are trying to ease diplomatic tensions between their peoples. A student exchange program is started to foster cross-cultural understanding.

Through the exchange program, Wally Watermelon meets Cassandra...

If life gives you lemons

A simple surgery will give you melons

A Daughter Melon and a Daddy Melon Are Having a Heart To Heart...

The daughter melon says "But daddy I love him! We're getting married!"

The daddy melon replies "Alright fine. But you can't elope!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

Why did the melon have a shotgun wedding?

Because she can’t elope.

[dad joke incoming] Why were the teenage melons sad?

Because they cantaloupe.

There are three melon farmers with different marital statuses.

One has a wife and farms honeydew.


The second has a husband and sells watermelon.


The third cantaloupe.

What did the Melon say to his son about running off with his girlfriend?

Son, You can't elope

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

What did the melon say to his daughter when he caught her running off with her boyfriend?

You’re too young, you cantaloupe!

Where do melons go for summer fun?

John Cougar Mellencamp

Two melons are sitting in a field and the first one turns to the second and says

"We've been together all this time we should run away and get married."

The second melon replies, "We cantaloupe, we're melons!"

My girlfriend of six years is a melon. She broke my heart when I proposed to her today.

She said, “I just cantaloupe with you.”

Two Melons ran away to Mexico to get Married

The first asked the second, "Honey, do you really think we should do this?"

The second replied, "You're right, we can't elope."

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

I tried marrying a melon...

But apparently we cantaloupe

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

What's the saddest part about the relationship between a melon farmer and the girl who is allergic to melons?

They cant-elope!

Two muskmelons fell deeply in love. One day, the first muskmelon asked, "Honeydew, will you make me the happiest melon in the world and run away with me and get married?" The second muskmelon replied, "I love you and I will marry you, but...

... we cantaloupe."

Do you know the reasons why most melons live alone?

Because they can't elope

Two melons are madly in love

But they are completely broke, so they can't elope.

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

What's the difference between a handsome man and Ross from friends searching for a melon?

One's a good looking fella and the other's a food looking Geller

Water melon and flies

There's a little girl who rides her bike up and down her street every day. *mind you it's the deep south and mid-summer* and she's see's the same middle aged overweight woman eating watermelon on her front porch in her moo-moo and the woman just so happens to not be wearing underwear. Any of these d...

What did the one engaged melon say to her groom melon?

Sorry we canteloupe.

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?

Because it means they *cantaloupe*

I wanted to marry a melon

but I cantaloupe.



2nd attempt because marry not merry

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