How does garlic seduce each other?

They take off their cloves

Rest in peace, garlic.

You will be minced.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

have you ever heard of the garlic and onions diet?

you eat garlic and onions only for a week, you don't get much thinner but people will stay far away from you so you seem smaller.

What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

Wife: why are you putting garlic in your pants?

Me: so the Dracula won't eat my ass

Wife: why would Dracula eat your ass?

Me: he won't, the garlic- are you even listening?

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I had sex with garlic bread

Now I have herbes.

Garlic

The most effective social distancing enforcer.

My little brother told me that onions and garlic are the only foods that make you cry

But why did he cry when i threw the coconut at his head?

What do you call someone who has been raised by garlic?

Garlic bred

What do you call an all-you-can-eat garlic restaurant?

Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

Ukrainian mother-in-law joke

The morning after the wedding, the newlywed couple is sitting at the kitchen table when they are joined by the bride's mother. The husband, still slightly drunk from last night, decides that now is the proper time to display his manly authority.

He starts by calmly issuing his demands. "For b...

I'm so pale...

I'm so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, "Hey, look! Frosty's on a diet!"

I'm so pale that when I worked in the ice cream parlor and was giving a kid his vanilla cone, he started licking my hand.

I'm so pale that my house is listed as haunted. It ...

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

Have you ever heard of an italian vampire?

Neither have i #garlicPower

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless.

(The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". I just made this one up. If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Great minds think alike)

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition?

I don't know, it was countless

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Did you hear the one about the dog who ate a bunch of garlic?

His bark was worse than his bite

A husband and wife on a hot, summer day . . .

A guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer afternoon. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for dinner.

The wife was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she s...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

Breakthrough vaccine for the virus has been found

....eat two cloves of garlic every day. It’s useless, doesn’t kill the virus, but keeps everyone who can transmit it to you... a safe distance away!

Why was the used garlic naked?

Because it had no cloves left.

The recipe said to crush the garlic

So I told it, "You'll never amount to anything!"

What did the underweight onion say to the garlic?

No more light bulb jokes!

How do you kill a gluten free Vampire?

Garlic bread

I'm Irish and Italian.

Half Gaelic, half garlic.

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Are you more of a Dog or Cat people?

I'm more of a bird people, preferably seared in garlic butter.

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam.

The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.


...

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What do you like?

Old man tony goes to his neighbor and asks,
“Hey Gambini, do you like a woman who got a small mustache that always smell like garlic?”
Gambini says “no”

“Then do you like a woman so big she have to step sideways through a door way?”

“Oh no”

“You like a woman so loud she m...

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss ...

My neighbour rang my doorbell at 2 am...

I got out of bed, opened the door and he asked me:
"Do you have garlic?"
I searched the kitchen, but with no luck. So I told him:
"No, I don't have garlic." and closed the door. After an hour or so I managed to get asleep again.
Then the neighbour rang the doorbell again at 4 am,...

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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

Bob Had Terrible BO...

And no matter how much he washed or scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps and shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered five times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 and avoided garlic and beans like the plague, but alas people still gagged as they walked behind him.

...

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks wer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian guy goes up to his neighbor and says,

"Ey, Tony, you like-a woman with-a big, sloppy tits, that droop-a down this-a far?"

Tony says, "No."

He says, "You like-a woman with-a big huge ass like a dump truck?"

Tony says, "Hell no."

He says, "You like-a woman with-a big, thick-a moustache and she's a smell like ga...

Did you hear about the episode concept for Doctor Who where The Doctor accidentally falls into a food themed alternative dimension?

He was attacked by The Garlics

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Well, turn it around

A young man walking down the street sees a street vendor selling apples 1 for $5. Appalled at the price he stops and inquires about the over priced fruit.

“What’s so special about these apples?” Asked the young man.

“Well they’re 2 flavored apples.” Replied the vendor. “One side tast...

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The new boyfriend.

Mary and Nancy were having coffee at Mary's house when Mary said "Nancy, I don't know what I am going to do about my new boyfriend."

"What seems to be the trouble, Mary?" Nancy replied. "Well, it's a sexual problem, I'm a little embarrassed."

"What, is he too small, does he not last l...

A gentleman walks into a very busy Italian Restaurant

The host explains that they are very busy and he will have no choice of seating. The gentleman agrees and is seated at the only remaining table. He views the menu and orders a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The waiter comes to the table and sets the meal before him.

The gentleman puts th...

Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates

The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I...

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