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How is a selfie stick like a dildo?

There's usually a cunt at one end.

What do you call a cow on a pogo stick?

A milkshake

I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's...

Fanta-Stick

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-Crow

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

Someone stole my limbo stick

Honestly how low can you go

Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. Q: What's grosser than that?

A: When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

You know why nothing would stick to the clown?

Because he was covered in sillycone.

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick.

We couldn't afford a car.

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window.

Now I can only play for Def Leopard.

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider!

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

What do you call a Russian usb stick?

Put-in

How Long?

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

If you keep sticking to your guns...

...then hot glue may not be for you.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

To whoever broke into the bar last night and stole the limbo stick...

Seriously, how low can you go.

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

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The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Johnny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”

and the teacher fainted.

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

A pirate goes to a bar, but a huge wheel is sticking out of his crotch

The bartender asks 'hey whats with the wheel?' The pirate replies 'arg... its driving me nuts'

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?

a stick.

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

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What do you get when you stick your testicles onto an electrical socket?

Nuts and volts.

I live in Saudi Arabia, so I have to translate this joke. I will do my best. Stick with me.

Three women walk into a pub.

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn’t stick to me

I’m absolutely ex-static!

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

Two men are driving through Arkansas

when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Arkansas son....

The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

There was a blind irishman who didn't use a stick, he navigated by simply bouncing off the walls until he got where he needed.

They called him Rick O'Shea

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

Josey wasn't the best Sunday School student.

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?"

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with his pencil to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated h...

Do you think more people will realize that their cars have a built in feature called a “turn signal” and that it can be turned on and off with a stick next to their steering wheel now that they are hanging their face masks from it?

Probably not.

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Why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way

Fuck. I mean usb

NSFW - Two travellers are walking separate paths...a Scotsman and an Irishman....

The paths merge and they see each other....and acknowledge each other silently...and continue walking side by side.

After awhile, they come across a stone fence with a sheep stuck with its' head in it. The Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says "Och lad! Ya don' get many chances like this!"<...

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A Simple Case

There once was a doctor who dealt with rare real world metaphorical conditions and illnesses.

He sat in his waiting room one morning, reading the newspaper.
“Doctor,” the receptionist called, “your first appointment is here”

In walked an old woman with a walking stick.

“You ...

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I am really embarrassed about my penis size

But I really feel more sorry for my wife....she got the short end of the stick

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

Having a non stick pan

with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

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Chicken Dinner

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

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If you stick your dick in a bag of macademia’s...

You are fucking nuts.

Why did Stalin never drive a stick?

He was always stallin.

What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?

A hurricane

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First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class

First year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered in a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qu...

Why did the physicist stick a hoover up his bum?

He was trying to create a farticle accelerator.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...

looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick...

...had to switch to Def Leopard

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[NSFW]A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

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There's now a simple anal swab COVID test you can do at home

Just stick a finger as far up your ass as you can, and then smell it. If it doesn't smell like anything, you've got COVID.

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

Damn girl are you a bowling ball?

‘Cause i want to stick 3 fingers in you!

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

A long time ago in Judaea...

There's a woman buried up to her neck in the sand, and angry villagers are eagerly waiting with sticks and stones.

But! There comes a man, and he's beautiful and charismatic, and when he speaks, everybody listens. So he speaks and he concludes "he who never sinned throweth the first stone", a...

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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A bear is taking a shit in the woods, and sees a rabbit nearby, doing the same - so he strikes up a conversation

Bear - "Hello, Mr. Rabbit"

Rabbit - "Hello, Mr. Bear"

Bear - "Would you mind if I asked a personal question?"

Rabbit - "Why, no - go ahead"

Bear - "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit - "No Mr. Bear, I do not."

So the bear picks up ...

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tong...

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

I don't get angry easily

But when someone adjusted the tension on my pogo stick, I hit the roof.

I’ve never understood when someone sticks out their index finger

What’s the point?

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

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Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

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