UPJOKE
adherefastenclingbindcoherecleavethruststaybondstick tohold fastattachgethockeythrow

The inventor of the USB stick has died

At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

Venus de Milo was pulled over as a suspect in stick-up…

…but she was unarmed.

The sleeper, the pastor and Adam's stick

Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.

The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

got a new stick of deodorant today….

The instructions said : Remove cap and push up bottom.


I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

What do you call a stick with autism?

Autistic

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of poops do Stick Bugs make?

Dowel Movements.

(an original from my 10 year old)

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but accidentally I passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Rufus likes sticks

I was in the park the other day with my dog Rufus, trowing sticks and what not.
He was just as happy as a dog can be so I asked him.

"Rufus! What is it you like so much about sticks?"

He turned around a looked at me straight in the eye like he could not understand th...

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a bumper stick on my car that says “Honk it you think I’m sexy”

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one butter stick say to another butter stick

you my butter from another udder

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "Abo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a selfie stick like a dildo?

There's usually a cunt at one end.

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

What do you call a guy with a knife sticking out of him?

An ambulance..

Scientist keep finding broom sticks all over beaches.

Due to sand-witches

When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

If you call someone a “stick in the mud” it’s because they are no fun.

But if a dog finds a stick in the mud it’s the greatest day of his life.

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..

A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a whil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.'

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

A guy told me he could throw a stick a mile and his dog would run out and bring the stick back

... but I thought it was far-fetched.

I hate when the doctor pushes down on your tongue with that wooden stick

It's depressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanna stick my penis in the pickle slicer.

Frank has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Frank vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stupid people are like glow sticks.

I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think...

Its a teabag

I'm sticking with my citrus diet until June

Cumquat May.

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

(Original Joke?) What do you call a stick figure who is enthusiastic about working out?

A gymna-stick.

A guy is asked by his friend: “What would you do if your wife cheats on you?”

He answers “I’d throw his dog through the window and break the stick”

Friend: “what stick? What dog?”

To what the guy replies: “If someone sleeps with my wife he must be blind!”

Two Sticks went on a date but there weren't any sparks.

It was bad Match.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?

To see butter-fly

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

A teacher is teaching his class when he notices a student fooling around with a metre stick.

He tells the kid to stop, as it’s distracting. The kid does.

A few minutes later, the kid is tapping his desk with the same metre stick. The teacher tells him to stop, so he does.

Later in the class, the kid is poking his classmates with the metre stick. Once again, the teacher tells...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

You can tell dogs jokes about fetching sticks!

It's great because they get it!

People who use Selfie Sticks.....

Really need to take a good long look at themselves!

I saw a long stick of bread posing for a photo.....

... apparently it was a roll- model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is impossible to stick in nearly half the time but too damn easy to pull out?

Those damn USB keys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way

Fuck, I mean usb stick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...

And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.

The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.

GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say.

I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.

We were changing shifts at the fish sticks factory at the grinder station....

I was at the end of my shift, spattered with oily fish gore, and had my hand in the corkscrew feeder trying to pull a stick bit of bone out. My coworker, in his fresh beginning of shift uniform, reached in to help and his dry cotton sleeve caught and he was pulled in to a gruesome death. As I stood ...

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you...

My asian bf didn't want to stick it in my B-hole

He changed his mind after after I called it my A-hole

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet?

The answer might shock you...

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night.

Your head

What does a ska drummer do when they drop a stick?

Pickitup pickitup pickitup!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

The instructions on my stick deodorant said push-up bottom.

It felt weird but now my farts smell amazing.

What’s the difference between a hold up and a stick up.

Old age.

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

Sticks float

They would

What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?

ok

My performance in the bedroom is like a high-sticking call in hockey.

Typically 2 minutes, but 4 minutes if there's blood.

10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

How is a piano like a stick shift?

They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

Having a non stick pan

with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

I told my dog a joke about fetching a stick

And he didn’t get it…

A Man throws a stick

The stick lands on a car, the dog follows it.

The car goes to JFK airport, the dog follows it. 'Come back!' Yelled the man, but to no avail.

The stick lands in baggage, the dog goes into another baggage in hopes of finding the stick.

The respective owners of the baggages are bot...

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

They were afraid of Stalin.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away

I know, it sounds a little far fetched.

What do you call a bird that sticks to things?

A 'vel'crow

Why don't ants get stick?

Because..











^(They have little antibodies)

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

My girlfriend got angry when I threw fragrance sticks at her.

She was incensed.

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away..

I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

What do you call a Russian usb stick?

Put-in

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.