What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

A pirate goes to a bar, but a huge wheel is sticking out of his crotch

The bartender asks 'hey whats with the wheel?' The pirate replies 'arg... its driving me nuts'

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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Rubber and Stick

A man lived with his wife, his old father and his 5 children. One day they decided to go to an amusement park but the car could only fit 6 people. So his wife drove the kids and he and his father was left to walk towards their destination.

The father’s walking cane was rubbing against the con...

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What do you get when you stick your testicles onto an electrical socket?

Nuts and volts.

There was a blind irishman who didn't use a stick, he navigated by simply bouncing off the walls until he got where he needed.

They called him Rick O'Shea

I live in Saudi Arabia, so I have to translate this joke. I will do my best. Stick with me.

Three women walk into a pub.

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

what do you call birds that stick together?

velcrows.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

Having a non stick pan

with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

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What do you call the little pieces of toilet paper that stick to ladies underwear?

clitty litter

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Most things escape baby goats.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

Why did the physicist stick a hoover up his bum?

He was trying to create a farticle accelerator.

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If you stick your dick in a bag of macademia’s...

You are fucking nuts.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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Why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way

Fuck. I mean usb

The only diet I seem to be able to stick to is the one that just involves saying no to food.

"Is that enough chips for you?"

"No."

Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...

looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.

Was playing air drums to AC/DC the other day when I dropped my stick...

...had to switch to Def Leopard

What do you call a stick of dynamite disguised as fruit?

A bangnana.

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster?

A hurricane

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They say “Never stick your dick in crazy”... (NSFW)

But then what am I supposed to do when they tell me to go fuck myself?

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

How do you get a murder of crows to stick together?

Vel-crow

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

I’ve never understood when someone sticks out their index finger

What’s the point?

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

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Oh, April!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and ...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear

At least that’s what I think she was saying

Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

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TIFU by sticking a chimney starter up my butt to cure my coronavirus.

Turns out it's only effective against the flue.

I have legs like chop sticks

Because their skinny and hard to use

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

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My friend told me you can get mad high by sticking a joint up your backside. So we went ahead and tried it.

I think he was just blowing smoke up my ass.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

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Another man accepts a job in a village with no women...

He asked his foreman "what do you do without any women here?"

The foreman replies "there's a barrel with a knothole in the side. Stick your dick in it and you'll be able to get off".

The new recruit is surprised but eventually gets horny enough to give it a try. He is amazed: it feels ...

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use?

2B, or not 2B.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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A guy and an alligator walk into a bar.

The alligator's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts...

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

My friend told me that he threw a stick 20 miles away

And that his dog still found it and retrieved it. Sounds far fetched to me.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return?

a fucking STICK

What’s the difference between a piano, fish and a glue stick?

You can’t tune a glue stick.

As I parked my car for work, I didn't notice that I left the stick in neutral

Things only went downhill from there

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A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses....

Sticks float

They would

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

Do you understand this joke

Tom: "John, how is your brother?"

John: "He was injured and lying on the bed."

Tom: "It's terrible, how could this happen?"

John: "We played games to see who can stick his body farther out the window more, and he won."

I’ve been living in the sticks for too long.

Last night I was stopped by a Sheriff’s deputy.
He said: Do you have any I.D.?
I said: About what?

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

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Did you hear about the man who was rushed to hospital after sticking six little plastic horses up his butt?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

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A joke my eight-year-old nephew told me...

Where do you stick your dick into a friend with benefits?

In her palvis.

I accidentally put a glue stick in my wife's purse and she thought it was Chapstick

She hasn't said a word to me since

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC.

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC. She called her husband and said that she will return tomorrow to New York. Couple of days passed but the blonde didn't return. Worried, her husband started finding out what's the...

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little...

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

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All my friends warned me not to stick my dick in crazy, but I didn't listen. My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed and after we broke up…

…she went fucking bananas.

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Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter...

are fucking nuts.

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A young intern working in a morgue goes to the older coroner with a startling discovery.

"This is gonna sound weird, but the drowning victim that just came in has a umm...shrimp sticking out of her vagina."

The coroner smiles and explains to him that it's likely her clitoris, since with drowning victims, it can often become swollen and take on a strange appearance..

"Funny...

Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

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Why do cats stick one leg straight up in the air when they lick their anus?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job?

Why should you get a gamer girl gf?

She can bring joy to your stick

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Two men are walking on the sidewalk.

One of the two men stops the other.

-Be careful ! There is dog shit right there.

-You’re wrong, it is not shit.

-Yes it is.

-No it’s not ! You know what ? I’m going to prove it.

The man sticks his finger in the brownish thing and licks it.

-Oh you were right...

Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

I've just downloaded the whole Quran onto a USB stick.

If any muslims are interested, I'll burn them a copy.

Little Johnny and little Susie were in Sunday school.

Johnny, thinking he was being funny, kept poking Susie in the back with a pencil.

Up front, the teacher was asking some questions, "What did lucifer say after falling from heaven?" She asked. Just then Johnny jabbed Susie with the pencil.

"Cut it out." She hissed over her shoulder....

What does it say on a Russian USB-stick?

Put-in

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

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[NSFW] Just after closing time a cop noticed two people huddled up behind a dumpster. So he does what cops do sometimes and puts his spotlight on them....

...He sees that one of them is very intoxicated, and the other one has his finger in his friend's ass.

"Alright, what's going on?" said the officer.

"He drank waaaay too much."

"I can see that. But why is your finger up his ass?"

"So he will throw up"

"But,...

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A priest and nun are traveling through the desert when their camel suddenly dies

They are stranded there distraught and sure to die. Finally the priest looks at the nun and says,

“Sister, I have to be honest with you, being a man of God I have never looked upon the body of a naked woman and, as we are sure to die, I would like to see one before I go.”

The nun looks...

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We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Little Dirty Golf Joke For All You Fellow Golfers Out There (NSFW)?

Was unsure if this joke would qualify as “NSFW” so I specified any just in case.
Also, I’m sure someone at some point has posted this joke (or a version of it) before but it’s too good to not share.


So one day 3 of the boys go out for a nice sunny day of golf. They get paired up with...

If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy

He's just a fancy stick figure

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

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