My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

​

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't stick your dick in holy water...

You might get an St.D

"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around"

Me: If you get pregnant, I won't stick around

Gf: Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago

Me: I mean it, mark my words!

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

What's the difference between a boomerang and a stick of wood ?

With the boomerang you can spare yourself the dog.

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some bloke at the bus station hit me with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.


Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador as well.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet ?

A desserter.

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a man who sticks his dick in a tree?

A woodpecker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't stick plantains in your butthole

That's fuckin bananas

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

I'm so upset, Someone stole my limbo stick!

I mean, how low can you go?

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

I met a Texas Aggie the other day that had ridden a stick horse all the way up to Indiana.

"That must've been a long journey, " I said to him.

"You're telling me," he answered, "it feels like I walked all the way."

The other day I've mixed my wives lipstick with a glue stick

My model plane fell completely apart!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend likes to stick big Macs up his butt.

I think he has ass-burgers syndrome.

Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile,...

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dyslexics run into a bank...

Two dyslexics run into a bank, guns drawn, and yell, "Air in the hands, Mother Stickers! This is a fuck up!"

My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away

I know, it sounds a little far fetched.

What do you call a mexican guy that drives stick shift?

Emanuel.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

All was calm at the grocery store until a man holding a stick above his head ran into the store.

“This is a stick-up!”

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

What did the self-preserved stick say to the demeaning knife?

Please don’t bewiddle me.

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back after you throw it?

A stick

A man sticks his head into a barber shop...

(I heard this on a radio ad, and it took me forever to get the joke. Now I feel the need to share it)

The man asks the barber "How long until I can get a hair cut?"

The barber replies "About 2 hours." And then the man leaves. The next day the man sticks his head in again and asks "How...

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.

I mean,how low can you go?

What's long, brown, hard and sticky.

A stick.

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

My son and I went camping yesterday, when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match."

What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?

ok

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

How is a piano like a stick shift?

They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.

My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far-fetched to me.

Why should you never get in an argument with a pogo stick?

They always jump to conclusions.

What is the motto for the fish stick factory?

In cod we crust.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters

completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..


“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into...

Why did the moth stick to the bride's face?

Because she was *GLOWING*

Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

What is the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish!

“But you forgot about the stick of glue!”

I knew you’d get stuck on that!

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so you could be eligible for a personal Ian Dury claim...

Probably only people in the UK will get this. And of them only those of a certain age. I make no apologies...

I gave my buddy, Steve, a glue stick instead of chapstick...

...he’s not currently speaking to me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a dildo and a selfie stick have in common?

There is always a cunt on the other end.

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

My wife told me she has blisters from the broom stick

I asked her why she didn't take the car.

The creator of the USB stick died..

Thanks for the memory

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

Making Fish Sticks

A young boy and his Mother are walking to school one day, when they come across two dogs going at it. Being at such a curious age, the boy asks his Mother what they were doing. Not wanting to ruin his innocence, she tells him that they are making Fish Sticks and they then continue on their journey.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you...

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

Why can't you take a picture of a man with a walking stick?

Ans: You take a picture with a camera not a walking stick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

Two miners walk out of the mine after a long day, one holding a shovel, the other a stick. One turns to the other and asks, “Wears your shovel?”

And the other responded, “Sure does.”

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