The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

What does a ska drummer do when they drop a stick?

Pickitup pickitup pickitup!

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night.

Your head

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?">
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

You should never need to use Plan B if you just stick to Plan A.

Anal

What do you call a bird that sticks to things?

A 'vel'crow

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Why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way

Fuck, I mean usb stick.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and fi...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

I told my dog a joke about fetching a stick

And he didn’t get it…

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How is a selfie stick like a dildo?

There's usually a cunt at one end.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

What kind of birds always stick together?

Vel-Crows!!!!

What happens if you stick a fork in an outlet?

The answer might shock you...

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

The instructions on my stick deodorant said push-up bottom.

It felt weird but now my farts smell amazing.

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

My kids just read this on a popsicle stick. What do you feed a disapearing cat?

Evaporated milk

What do you call crows that stick close together?

Velcrows

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

"Dad," said my son during the music performance, "who's that dead Jamaican man waving his stick around?"

I said, "Son, he's decomposer."

What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?

Napoleon Blown-aparte.

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

I glued a bunch of orange sodas together in the shape of a stick.. It's amazing.. It's tremendous.. It's...

Fanta-Stick

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

What property is always true of the popsicle stick, whether or not it has ice cream on it?

It's always a little sticky.

I think my wife is putting glue on my weapons collection

She denies it , but I'm sticking to my guns

Psychology is key

When the children passed an old house on their way home from school, they were always rubbing their sticks on the balcony railing and enjoying the sound. The older owner, who had been bothered by the noise for a long time, had a really good idea instead of scolding the kids.

He called the chi...

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A Bear shitting in the woods.

A bear is having a shit when a rabbit hops by. The bear asks the rabbit if he has problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies no not usually. Then the bear grabbed him and wiped his ass with him.

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks ...

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

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What do you call a restaurant where they let you stick your dick in the soup?

A broth-el

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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I ran into the gas station with my mask on saying, "This is a Stick Up!"

The clerk laughed.

The man paying for a coffee laughed.

The lady grabbing a candy bar laughed.

They thought I was joking, so I quickly made a small purchase.

When the cashier had the drawer open, I said hand me the large bills and a carton behind the counter.

The c...

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A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting,...

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

Boomerangs

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?













A: A stick

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

my crush is just like a marshmello

because she is soft, white and everyone put their stick inside of her.

Curiosity killed the cat

One day I was walking by a tall fence. On the other side I could hear a group of people chanting, "12! 12! 12! 12!" Confused, I tried to jump up and see over the fence, to see what's going on but the fence was too tall. A little further up, I saw a small hole in the fence. I walked up to it and pee...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

The Old Man and the Burdensome Load

An old man was tasked with carrying a bundle of sticks from his home to the next town over, and it was a terrible task. The bundle was very heavy, and the journey was many miles through harsh terrain. After many days, he could bear it no longer. His feet were blistered, his throat was dry, and he wa...

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to drive a stick.

We couldn't afford a car.

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2 Irish men

2 Irish men ,Paddy and mick are walking in the countryside through a field when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the barbed wire fence.
Mick looks around to check the coast is clear,drops his trousers and starts fucking the sheep.
Half way through he looks at paddy winks and sa...

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A game warden sees an old man going out fishing alone and asks if he can go along.

The old man relents and rows out to the middle of the lake. Then he opens his tackle box, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and drops it into the lake. After it goes off the boat is surrounded with dead fish and the old guy starts scooping up the bodies. The warden is incensed and says 'That'...

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A joke in Arabic

Let's hope this translation works.
A guy who was wasted went to take a piss in an ally next to a barrel, passed out fell in the barrel pants down, ass in the air.
A guy who was super high passed by and saw the ass .. picked a stick and shoved it up the drunk's asshole, the drunk screams.
...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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A Nun, a Priest and a camel

So theres a nun and a priest walking through a vast desert with their camel. On the camel is their water and food plus all other belongings. They've been walking for a few days before suddenly the camel collapses. The priest checks its breathing and confirms it's dead. With too far to go and no way ...

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Three men applied to put up telephone poles.

The foreman sent them each out with a truck and 20 poles, telling them to come back after 8 hours.

The first man returns and says "I put up 12 poles."

The second man returns and says "I put up 15 poles."

The third man returns and says "I put up 3 poles."

"Three?" asks the...

A pirate with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch walks into a bar...

So the bartender goes "whats with the wheel?" So then the pirate says back "ARR ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!"

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

I used to play air drums for Rush in my car until I lost a stick out the window.

Now I can only play for Def Leopard.

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Two nuns travelling in a car in the middle of nowhere

A demon jumps on the bonnet, one nun said "show it your cross!" The other nun sticks her head out the window and shouts "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!"

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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Foul mouthed parrot

An old woman has a pet parrot with a filthy vocabulary. She warns him again and again to clean up his language. He just replies, "S\*!#w You, you old B\*\^$h.

So she grabs him and sticks him in the fridge to teach him a lesson.

As the poor parrot is there in the fridge, getting colder ...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.

It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.

His friend said "stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you're able to see a pin stuck in t...

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Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

What do you call a Russian usb stick?

Put-in

Dating is like tetris

The longer you wait to put the stick in the hole, the more points you get.

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

That cop exploded saying “Do you know who the fuck I am ?! I have the authority of the government with me”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

A little boy is ostensibly fishing in a mud-puddle with a stick and a piece of string...

A man passes and with a warm chuckle says "What are you doing there, Son? Fishing?"

"Yeah Mister." the boy replies. "I'm gonna catch some big fish and sell 'em to buy my mammy some flowers for her birthday."

"That's a good boy." the man tells him. "I'll tell you what- here's a fiver. Y...

Using a cinnamon stick to stir your eggnog isn't a religious practice.

It's egg-nog-stick.

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A fucking stick!

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

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Bill worked in a pickle factory...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk abou...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

It's 80 years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 1938)

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

I live in Saudi Arabia, so I have to translate this joke. I will do my best. Stick with me.

Three women walk into a pub.

How does Chris Brown's girlfriend know that he cheated?

Different shade of lipstick on his knuckles.

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The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Johnny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”

and the teacher fainted.

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A man buys a talking centipede for €5000.

He takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.

Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conne...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

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A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods.

The bear was grunting and groaning trying to do his business. This agitated the rabbit who did his business quietly.

After the bear was done grunting and groaning, he looked to the rabbit.

The rabbit, feeling uncomfortable, looked back at the bear and sharply asked, "what?"

The...

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

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A farm hand guy and a blond farm girl.

The guy decides to piss in the bushes but sees some bees in the flowers, he pisses on them, and one stings him in the dick. He runs into the house in pain, opens the fridge to find something cold and soothing, settles on a yogurt container and sticks his dick in.

As he's standing there he not...

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Every woman I’ve ever been with has called me handsome.

They all stick their hand out before sex and say hand some money over.

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What do you get when you stick your testicles onto an electrical socket?

Nuts and volts.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

I walked into my doctor's office with a celery stick in each ear and a carrot in each nostril and mumbled, "I think there's something wrong with me." He took one look at me and replied…

"To be perfectly honest with you, I don't think you're eating right."

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Wood eye

A poor young boy who had nothing but a stick to play with, fell on that stuck and took out his eye.

At the hospital the doctors did all they could to save it, to no avail.

Not being able to afford a glass eye, his father affixed his eye patch and went home.

When the child retu...

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

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A pair of aliens land in the desert near an old abandoned gas station.

Seeing nothing else around, they assume the gas pumps are the dominant life form and approach one to ask it questions. When the pump fails to respond, the aliens begin to grow frustrated, and one pulls out his weapon and threatens the pump.

"Respond now, or I shall blast you into atoms!"
<...

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

Granddad could tell a tale

He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.


To me that always seemed far-fetched.

For the first time in my life I can walk past a balloon and it doesn’t stick to me

I’m absolutely ex-static!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Kids today will never know how awesome Pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.

Really, most things escape baby goats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

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