Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?

I accidently handed my wife glue stick instead of chapstick.

She's still not speaking to me.

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

My wife asked if I could hand her her lipstick, I gave her a glue stick accidentally

She’s still not talking to me

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A desserter

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

Can't believe somebody broke into my house last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

Two Nuns with Hockey Sticks

Two nuns walking down the street, swinging hockey sticks.

One looks at the other, saying, "What we need is a good hard puck!"

What is brown and sticky?

A stick

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

What do you call a stick running for president?

A branch of government.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

Someone attacked me with a rhythm stick.

Luckily I was eligible to claim for personal iandury.

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A very old man, who barely sticks with a cane, goes into a pharmacy store...

He asks the woman behind the counter:

"Can you give me half viagra?"

She answers very indignantly :

"How you dare, can't you see what you look like!? What Viagra? See your years! Isn't it uncomfortable?"

"It's not for sex, dear! Just give me enough, so I won't piss on my ...

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Some bloke at the bus station hit me with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.


Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador as well.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse....

Does anyone have a longer dip stick for sale?

Mine no longer reaches the oil.

"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around"

Me: If you get pregnant, I won't stick around

Gf: Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago

Me: I mean it, mark my words!

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

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Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

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Don't stick your dick in holy water...

You might get an St.D

What's the difference between a boomerang and a stick of wood ?

With the boomerang you can spare yourself the dog.

I used to work as a coast guard. There's one rescue mission that sticks in my memory.

A ship carrying a huge haul of industrial strength glue got into trouble just off the coast where I was stationed.

The weather was the worst I'd seen it, and one of the containers of glue had fallen from height and smashed into the hull, covering a number of the crew members in glue and knoc...

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

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What do you call a man who sticks his dick in a tree?

A woodpecker.

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Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

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Don't stick plantains in your butthole

That's fuckin bananas

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

Sticks and stones may break my bones but...

...I need a doctor

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My friend likes to stick big Macs up his butt.

I think he has ass-burgers syndrome.

I met a Texas Aggie the other day that had ridden a stick horse all the way up to Indiana.

"That must've been a long journey, " I said to him.

"You're telling me," he answered, "it feels like I walked all the way."

Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?

I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile,...

What do you call a mexican guy that drives stick shift?

Emanuel.

Have you heard about pogo stick cult?

Prophets have gone through the roof.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

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I once read a sexual health website that recommended men stick their dick in an oven...

I thought to myself, "Now that's a hot tip"

My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away

I know, it sounds a little far fetched.

Did you know all French meter sticks are a foot shorter?

They have a habit of cutting the heads off their rulers.

Two Eskimos sitting, paddling along in a kayak, when one felt a little chilly so he made a little pile of sticks and lit a fire in the craft.

His friend shouted at him to put it out, but the warning was ignored.
Unsurprisingly, the kayak sank quite quickly and finding themselves in the (cold) water, the second Eskimo whacked his idiot mate over the head with a now redundant paddle.
"Ouch!!" said the previously warm Eskimo, "what di...

All was calm at the grocery store until a man holding a stick above his head ran into the store.

“This is a stick-up!”

A man sticks his head into a barber shop...

(I heard this on a radio ad, and it took me forever to get the joke. Now I feel the need to share it)

The man asks the barber "How long until I can get a hair cut?"

The barber replies "About 2 hours." And then the man leaves. The next day the man sticks his head in again and asks "How...

Came home from work today to find someone had broken in and stolen my limbo stick.

I mean,how low can you go?

I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

People say sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you.

Unless you live in Skyrim where words can kill you

Why do the Ghostbusters stick together when they go swimming at the river?

Because none of them want to be across the stream.

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Two dyslexics run into a bank...

Two dyslexics run into a bank, guns drawn, and yell, "Air in the hands, Mother Stickers! This is a fuck up!"

What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?

ok

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

My son and I went camping yesterday, when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match."

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

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Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..


“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into...

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

Why did the boy climb up the tree with a hockey stick

Cause he wanted to join the maple leafs,

My dog was barking at the neighbour's dog so I gave her a big stick...

Now she barks softly.

How is a piano like a stick shift?

They both have three pedals, and most people only know what two of them do.

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.

That just seems a little far-fetched to me.

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If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you...

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

Why did the moth stick to the bride's face?

Because she was *GLOWING*

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patiens were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all sta...

Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

What is the motto for the fish stick factory?

In cod we crust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dildo and a selfie stick have in common?

There is always a cunt on the other end.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

What is the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish!

“But you forgot about the stick of glue!”

I knew you’d get stuck on that!

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so you could be eligible for a personal Ian Dury claim...

Probably only people in the UK will get this. And of them only those of a certain age. I make no apologies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

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