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I'm freaking pissed. Someone broke into my garage and the only thing they took was my limbo stick...

How low can you go?

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The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?”

The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

The other day, my wife told me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick

And she still isn't talking to me.

I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.

I mean seriously, how low can you go?

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

As I parked my car for work, I didn't notice that I left the stick in neutral

Things only went downhill from there

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

What’s the difference between a piano, fish and a glue stick?

You can’t tune a glue stick.

My friend told me that he threw a stick 20 miles away

And that his dog still found it and retrieved it. Sounds far fetched to me.

Sticks float

They would

What kind of birds stick together?

Velcros

A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.....

....I think that's a bit far fetched.

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

I accidentally put a glue stick in my wife's purse and she thought it was Chapstick

She hasn't said a word to me since

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Did you hear about the man who was rushed to hospital after sticking six little plastic horses up his butt?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM.

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

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Why do cats stick one leg straight up in the air when they lick their anus?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job?

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All my friends warned me not to stick my dick in crazy, but I didn't listen. My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed and after we broke up…

…she went fucking bananas.

Grrr why is it so hard to get a qsn stick in the right way!

Dammit I mean a usb stick.

Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

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We wanted to play hockey, but didn't have those sticks.

Guess we playing cockey now.

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC.

Once a blonde bought stick shift car. She was super excited with the car and then took it from New York to Washington DC. She called her husband and said that she will return tomorrow to New York. Couple of days passed but the blonde didn't return. Worried, her husband started finding out what's the...

I've just downloaded the whole Quran onto a USB stick.

If any muslims are interested, I'll burn them a copy.

What does it say on a Russian USB-stick?

Put-in

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening..

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out...

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

A witch and her friend enter a race. When they get there, the witch’s ride is already there waiting for her. “Huh” the witch’s friend says. “I didn’t know you drive a stick.”

“It’s a broom, actually.” She says.

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Men who sticks their dick in jar of peanut butter...

are fucking nuts.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

But your mom is definitely overweight.

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

What do you call a stick with autism?

Autistick

Why don't ants get stick?

Because..











^(They have little antibodies)

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

If you stick a fork in an outlet, you’ll die.

I know, shocking.

Guy says to his wife mind if i stick it in your ear love?

She says: That wont make me deaf,,will it?

He answers: Hon I have been shoving it in your mouth for 10 years. That didn't shut you up any.

EDIT - Sorry, bad copy pasta, but the joke is still there.

When I was 17 I got fired from my job at the local Pickle Factory for sticking my finger in the pickle slicer

Worst part is, she got fired too.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

Did you hear they aren't going to make yard sticks any longer.

They're not going to make them any shorter either.

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

Johnny is playing fetch with his dog in the park, when he accidentally throws the stick onto a lake

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.

Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.

A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off hi...

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(NSFW) What do you call it when someone cuts off their penis and sticks it to their forehead?

A eunuch-horn.

What do you call the wizard that sticks to the wall?

Harry Poster

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

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A big grizzly bear was taking a shit in the woods and noticed a rabbit taking a shit too. Bear says hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

No said the rabbit so the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him

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Stick your finger inside me, she said.

"Now stick your other finger in!"

I did.

"Now stick your whole hand in!"

I did.

"Now stick your other hand in! "

I did.

"Now clap!"

"I can't?", I said.

"See, told ya' I was fuckin' tight!"

People asked me how it feels when you stick your finger in an electricity outlet?

To be honest, it Hertz.

What do you call a Russian who can not drive stick

Stallin!

Little Billy came home from school to see

the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son...

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

A Roman walks into a bar and sticks two fingers up

He says to the bartender “five beers please.”

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Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.



She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".



I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

What do you call a really fancy stick?

A Louis baton.

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What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

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In medieval England, a soldier was going to war without any legguards and his dick sticking out

The commander asked:
"What is the meaning of this Henry?"

Henry replied:
"A wise man once told me,'penis mightier than sword'"

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

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Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

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Three microbes on a woman

The tooth microbe, the ear microbe and the vaginal microbe


They are having a conversation:


Tooth microbe: It sucks being me, every morning and night, some hairy tool comes covered in toxic paste and tries to kill me


Ear Microbe: Something similar happens to me, there...

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Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

##

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrop...

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Old Timers

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'

Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'H...

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

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What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

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A Cowboy rides up to a Saloon in the old west. An old man is sitting out front, whittling a stick...

...The Cowboy rides up, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.

The old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thin...

I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

Damn girl, are you a parking lot?

'Cause I just wanna stick my Hot Rod into you

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi...

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What did one ass cheek say to the other?

If we stick together we can stop this shit

Drunk Irishman

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his...

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

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Anal Deodorant

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?"

The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that".

"Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from her...

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

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My boyfriend called me gay.

I was offended. Us men gotta stick together.

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

"If you get pregnant, I won't stick around"

Me: If you get pregnant, I won't stick around

Gf: Honey, that joke's not funny anymore, you had your vasectomy like 5yrs ago

Me: I mean it, mark my words!

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde.

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

Genie in a Bottle

A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.



The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest ...

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

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What causes arthritis?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to apriest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and faceand a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned...

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A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW

A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.”

Wife: “My God! What’s happened?”

Husband: “She got fired too”

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Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

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