This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Why didn’t the cabbage win the race?

He wasn’t ahead of lettuce.

Have you had your "cabbage verification" yet?

You're not sure? Then let us check.

A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.

The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.
Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the granny sto...

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

-Cole's Law

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the dog that got caught shagging a cabbage?

He mistook it for a collie

What do you call a cabbage’s murder?

A slaw-ter

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Shredded cabbage tastes better than unshredded cabbage

Cole's Law

My dad's favorite joke

Two men go out to lunch. One man orders a BLT, but the waitress says "We're out of BLTs." The man contends they cannot be out of BLTs, and asks whether they have bacon. The waitress answers in the affirmative. The man asks whether they have tomatoes. Again, the waitress answers "yes." The man asks w...

What do you call a chicken that's looking at a cabbage?

Chicken sees a salad.

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

What's it called when someone is murdered by a cabbage?

Slaw-der.

I know. It's awful.

What does the cabbage merchant use to fix his cabbages?

A cabbage patch! - Sokka

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race

The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup

Beans for lunch

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was...

A cabbage and a carrot get into a race, who wins?

The cabbage, it's a head

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you ever heard of Cole’s law?

It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy

were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and excla...

Please enter your new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: ...

A joke from George Carlin,tucked away because of 9/11

The most striking thing about the show is that Carlin made a joke about Osama bin Laden and an exploding airplane. In a fashion typical of the comedian, who always passed easily between the corporeal and the sublime, it started as a fart joke. “These planes get flying so fast that all the most vicio...

You've heard Moore's law and Boyle's law but have you heard of Cole's law?

It's chopped cabbage. Thanks for the correction

Dad Knowing the Laws...

Dad: Have you heard of Murphy's Law?

Son: Yes, if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Dad: Yes! Have you heard of Cole's Law?

Son: Actually, no. What's that?

Dad: Thinly sliced cabbage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

A professor was in class teaching his students about laws, and begun a conversation about Murphy's Law.

Professor: " Have you ever heard about Murphy's law?"

Student: "No, what's that?"

Professor: "Well basically, it's the principle that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"

Students were impressed, so one student in particular decided to respond.

Student: "Oh yeah? We...

You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Muslim immigrant.

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible" The doctor examines him and says "you need to piss and shit into a bucket for a week, throw some dead fish and a rotting cabbage in" Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days" The Muslim does this and goes back t...

The UK have just introduced a new law

Whenever you buy Mayonaise it's now compulsory that you buy Cabbage and Carrots with it. They're referring to it as Coles Law

A group of construction workers, an Irishmen, a Mexican, and a Blonde are sitting on the 24th floor of a construction building...

The Irishman says "corn beef cabbage again, I swear to God if i get corn beef cabbage again I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Mexican man says "tacos and beans, goddamnit, I swear to god if I get tacos and beans one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Blonde man says "bologna...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian joke

King Lion orders every animal to bring him some meat. The king hits the head of everyone who doesn't bring any meat three times with his dick. Rabbit fails to hunt, so he brings a few cabbages. Lion hits him for the first time and Rabbit starts smiling, the king decides to hit him harder. After the...

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

A Russian, British, and American soldier are talking...

...about rations.

The Russian says, "Glorious motherland send her best soldiers 2,000 calories a day! Is feast for grateful soldiers!"

The Brit chuckles and says "Well old chap, the dear Queen does send her finest fighting men 3,000 calories a day, so I'm quite afraid we have you beat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a greengrocers.

She asks the clerk "Can I have some broccoli?"

The clerk says "I'm sorry but I don't have any broccoli. Would you like celery instead?"

The woman says "No thanks, I'll just have some broccoli."

"Ma'am I don't think you understand, I don't have any broccoli. Perhaps some cabbage?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.

The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."

The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."

The American says, "Well we get a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Smart Employee

A man walks into a grocery store and asks to buy half a cabbage. The employee tells him they don't sell half a cabbage and that the customer would have to buy the cabbage whole. The customer angrily asks to see the manager so the employee goes into the back room and says to the manager "There's some...

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

An elephant escaped from the circus...

...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.

"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."

"What's...

Three Nights Drunk - Folksong [Long]

Late one night when I came home
So drunk I couldn't see,
I saw a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be.

Wifey dear, oh wifey dear,
Oh please explain to me,
How come a horse in the stable
Where my horse ought to be?

You old fool, you stupid fool,
It's plain...

a Mexican, an Irishman, and a blonde

are working at a construction site. they break for lunch.
Irishman- "corned beef and cabbage again?! I swear if I get this for lunch one more time, I'll throw myself off the top of this building!"
Mexican- "enchiladas again?! if I get this for lunch one more time, I'll jump off the top of this...

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kiel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blond man joke

An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break.

The Irishman opens his lunch box, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"

The Mexican opens his lunch box, ...

An Englishman, An American and A Korean are on a ship...

The ship is in stormy waters, when suddenly a genie appears from the waves and tells them "I'm sorry, but you men will die in this storm. I have no power to prevent your death, but as some recompense I can grant you all one wish before you perish"

The three great friends begin to think before...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Choosing a password.

-Cabbage

-Password needs to be 8+ characters long.

-Boiled Cabbage

-Password cannot contain blank spaces

-Boiledcabbage

-Password cannot contain capitalized letters

-boiledfuckingcabbage

-The password must contain a number

-50fuckingboiledcabba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Construction Workers

Three construction workers are working on the top of a skyscraper: a Mexican, an Italian, and an Irishman. The lunch whistle blows and so they sit down on an exposed beam overlooking the city to eat.

The Mexican opens his lunchbox and finds a burrito. "Another burrito? Everyday my wife pa...

Vegetables

What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?

Lettuce go

An Italian, Irish and Polish construction workers take their lunch break on a rooftop at their job site.

The Italian man opens his lunch pail and in despondently exclaims,

"Spaghetti and meatballs *again*!? Every day my wife makes me the same thing and I just can't take it anymore."

The Irishman opens his lunch pail and angrily declares,

"Shepard's pie, ugh!!! Another day of Shepar...

Wife letter to husband

I am writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, I was kind to you and respected you for 7 years of our marriage, most of the time you did not appreciate me. The last two weeks were like hell. A week ago, you came home and d...