The definition of an asparagus:

A bean with aspirations of becoming a paintbrush.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

I don't like asparagus

It makes my pee taste funny

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

What did the Italian asparagus say to the man trying to kill him?

Asparagi

A man goes to the dentist...

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.


"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I ...

I should’ve brought asparagus

I have a flat tire

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do asparagus and anal sex have in common?

The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult.

Do you like Asparagus Soup ?

"Honey, do you like Asparagus ?"


'No'


"Do you like soup ?"


'Not really, why are you asking ?'


"Because you may not like what I did..."


'What ? Did you make Asparagus Soup ? '


"No, I've slept with your sister"

What do you call a sad asparagus?

Despairagus =/

It was a dark time in Vegetable Land.

The neighboring Fruit Kingdom had launched an invasion months before, and the starchy defenders had fallen quickly to the acidic and citric attackers. After a long campaign, the country had finally fallen and only a few vegetables could meet underground to discuss the future of the resistance. At th...

Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping?

In case your other agus breaks.

What does a vegetarian say when their tyre goes flat?

I should've brought asparagus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes, sir...

Why is there no such thing as a punapple?

Because the best puns come in pears.


(Original joke made up by me and my friend the other day as we were high and ate pineapple... the asparagus guy inspired me to share)

What's Lady Gaga's favorite food?

Sushi because they serve it raw, raw, raw\-raw\-raw!

(sorry I just saw the guy get to the front page with his stoned asparagus joke, so I wanted to try mine).

What did Mario say when his friend Gus was about to be shot in front of him?

Asparagus

I got a flat tire on my way home from the grocery store

At least I have asparagus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A List of AP Botany Puns

Last semester I dicked around in AP Botany instead of listening to some stupid lecture senior year and came up with an extensive list of bad botanical puns and play on words. Enjoy!

How do trees hook up when they’re looking to have fun
Timber

What is a trees favorite social media we...

What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When an old woman goes to the grocer.

A elderly woman makes a trip to the greengrocer down the block. A friendly employee sees her browsing the various vegetables and asks, "Excuse me, ma'am, can I help you find something?"

The old woman, without hesitation, replies, "Yes, you can! I'd like to buy a pound of broccoli."

"...

What does a vegetable use to change a flat?

Asparagus...