I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

The word asparagus is funny.



It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

What do you call an indecisive asparagus?

An uhhhsparagus :D

What do you call an asparagus that wants to be a better person?

Aspiregus

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny.

(Joke by my six-year-old daughter)

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

The definition of an asparagus:

A bean with aspirations of becoming a paintbrush.

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

What did the Italian asparagus say to the man trying to kill him?

Asparagi

I made a freudian slip the other day.

I said I only need two emojis asparagus and peach. I mean Aubergene!

A man goes to the dentist...

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.


"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I ...

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

Veggies

I met a young lady in a bar the other night, we were getting along pretty good so we decided to go back to place a blocks away. When we got there we started kissing and got our cloths off.

I like going down on a lady so started munching on her and all of a sudden I got a green bean in my m...

Roses are Red, Chocolate is Brown..

My wife ate asparagus and wants me to go down.

 

I should’ve brought asparagus

I have a flat tire

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

What do vegetarians say when they get a flat tire?

Should've bought asparagus.

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

What's Lady Gaga's favorite food?

Sushi because they serve it raw, raw, raw\-raw\-raw!

(sorry I just saw the guy get to the front page with his stoned asparagus joke, so I wanted to try mine).

Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping?

In case your other agus breaks.

What did Mario say when his friend Gus was about to be shot in front of him?

Asparagus

What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When an old woman goes to the grocer.

A elderly woman makes a trip to the greengrocer down the block. A friendly employee sees her browsing the various vegetables and asks, "Excuse me, ma'am, can I help you find something?"

The old woman, without hesitation, replies, "Yes, you can! I'd like to buy a pound of broccoli."

"...

What does a vegetable use to change a flat?

Asparagus...

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