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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

The definition of an asparagus:

A bean with aspirations of becoming a paintbrush.

What did the Italian asparagus say to the man trying to kill him?

Asparagi

3 spears of asparagus.... (xpost from DadJokes)

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got t...

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, an asparagus stalk in the other ear, and an avocado under his armpit. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

A man goes to the dentist...

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.


"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I ...

I should’ve brought asparagus

I have a flat tire

Do you like Asparagus Soup ?

"Honey, do you like Asparagus ?"


'No'


"Do you like soup ?"


'Not really, why are you asking ?'


"Because you may not like what I did..."


'What ? Did you make Asparagus Soup ? '


"No, I've slept with your sister"

What do you call a sad asparagus?

Despairagus =/

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What do you call a couple of asses standing next to eachother in an asparagus field?

An ass-pair, I guess?

What do vegetarians say when they get a flat tire?

Should've bought asparagus.

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Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as...

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping?

In case your other agus breaks.

What's Lady Gaga's favorite food?

Sushi because they serve it raw, raw, raw\-raw\-raw!

(sorry I just saw the guy get to the front page with his stoned asparagus joke, so I wanted to try mine).

I talked with some old hippies at an organic farm the other day

They were just standing in the middle of their field, watching the tiny shoots of the newly growing vegetables emerge from the earth. And I asked them what they were watching. They replied: “This is the dawning of the age of asparagus, age of asparagus”

Two men were riding in a car made of vegatables

They ran over a huge pothole and they blew a tire. One guy says to the other:
You should have brought asparagus

What did Mario say when his friend Gus was about to be shot in front of him?

Asparagus

I got a flat tire on my way home from the grocery store

At least I have asparagus

What did the grocery store owner say to the customer that asked him if he sold tires?

He shrugged and said, "I've got asparagus."

The world's philosophers and theologians have gathered for a summit...

...held, dramatically enough, on the summit of an actual mountain. Everyone was having a great time, mingling together, discussing the great philosophical questions of the day.

Rumors started to swirl around about one particular holy man who had joined the day's festivities. This particularly...

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When an old woman goes to the grocer.

A elderly woman makes a trip to the greengrocer down the block. A friendly employee sees her browsing the various vegetables and asks, "Excuse me, ma'am, can I help you find something?"

The old woman, without hesitation, replies, "Yes, you can! I'd like to buy a pound of broccoli."

"...

What does a vegetable use to change a flat?

Asparagus...

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