I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

A newswoman was fired for wearing makeup on camera

Her boss said we make up enough stuff without it on your face

Why don't US presidents like cameras?

They don't like being shot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I took my first dick pic with a polaroid camera.

I showed my GF and she said

“Wait. I think it’s underdeveloped.”

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

The interactive Black Mirror episode wouldn't allow the therapist to show her genitals on camera.

Banned her snatch.

Why is a camera like a condom?

They both capture the moment.

Why did one camera company buy out the other?

To get their competition out of the picture.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail

​

​

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...

Too many fuckin' security cameras.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

What do you get when you stack a camera on top of 3 Tide pods?

A tripod

Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

A woman was driving when a traffic camera flashed

She thought her picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though she knew she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

She thought this was funny, so she slowed down even further ...

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

Why do scientists have cameras in the toilet?

They wanna see their pee HD.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

"Hey CIA, I know you're watching me through cameras, but if I ever bring a girl home...

...send me the tape."

When George Eastman brought the first Kodak camera to market, no one could believe it...

They said "pics or it didn't happen".

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a hidden camera in a lingerie store dressing room?

A booby trap!

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Covert Russian Cameras Discovered In High Profile US Officials' Restroom Facilities

The cameras were disassembled, and found to be of Russian origin. Upon further investigation, they are found to be part of a Russian espionage/blackmail program, codenamed 'Operation VCUP'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

Why did Elon Musk put a camera on his car when he launched it into space?

The flat earthers unionized

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I call my penis Tom Cruise.

It does all its own stunts, has questionable beliefs, and I have to use camera tricks to make it look taller.

Aaron Paul prefers to stay in character even when the cameras aren't rolling

It's called methead acting

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed...

...that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts.

It's called flatulence.

Sorry, I'm a dad.

I accidentally washed my cameras memory card.

Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was a kid, my dad always used to hit me with a camera

I still have flashbacks, and a really weird photo album

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time g...

what's the difference between a bunch of cameras and a million dollars?

i haven't hid a million dollars inside your house

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

Before camera phones…

…a selfie was another term for an hj.

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

Why I don't trust photos taken from a cellphone camera

They seem...phony

How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera?

Stare at it for 30 seconds

A nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

For Father's Day, my wife gave me a rear facing camera for my car.

I haven't looked back since.

The school hired me as a photographer

So I was hired to photograph a school event and when I walked up to the doors these security guys stared me down and asked what I was doing

I started to reach for my camera and said I was the school shooter

And the douchebags jumped on me and cuffed me!

They told me that cameras add 10 lbs...

...so I stopped eating cameras.

How are condoms like cameras?

They capture your special moments.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?

The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.

A security guard for the king notices a mummy in a coffin walking into the building in the security camera...

He quickly alerts the king, telling him to go to the top floor of the building to stay away from it. While the king is escorted, his guards quickly order men to deal with the mummy, who headed towards the elevator. His guards spend a good while shooting at the mummy, but after a minute, it becomes a...

Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom...

... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.

A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...

I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

I'm a really photogenic guy.

Well...

that's what the speed cameras think.

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

What type of cameras do police officers in the USA like?

Point and Shoot

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment.

I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't felt at home since my wife installed security cameras.

Now I masturbate in the work toilets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Moshe is looking to go on holiday by himself...

He decides to go to Prague and sees a brochure for a tour of the Bohemian Forest. He arrives and gets his own personal tour guide. As they are hiking through the forest, they come across two large black bears. The guide tells him to be quiet and not move and the bears should be on their way. Mos...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got peanut butter on my camera

Now every picture is a jif

I asked Siri why I was still single

She then turned on my front camera.

I need to get one of those gadgets for my camera so I can take pictures of myself.

I think it’s called a narciss-stick.

Dance like no one's watching!

Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.

Back in the day...

...when I still went to school, I had only one true friend. His name was Eddy and although we had different interests, we got along really well. Since I was good in science classes I often times helped him with his homework because for some reason he was only interested in history classes. Actually ...

Babe, you're like a camera.

Everytime i look at you, i shutter.

TIL that India is installing 15000 CCTV cameras in Delhi for Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.... When will the world stop this Racist behaviour ?

What do you call a camera that shoots out true facts about an ancient Phoenician city?

A Canon, Canaan-canon cannon...


(I'm not sorry...)

Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera?

A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.

I miss the old days

Before I could go into a store with 3 bucks and get 5 videogames, but now they have cameras all over the place.

I brought my camera to a strip club for my photography project

I ended up failing because everyone in my photos was over-exposed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last week I dropped my camera into the toilet

The pictures were even shittier than usual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear Abby

Dear Abby

I'm a man in my early 40s who has been dating a lady in her mid 20s for nearly 2 years. She is desperate to have a baby so we have been having sex at least once day for a month.

I've not figured out how to tell her I had a vasectomy years ago after my first child.

Last...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Camera Man

A wedding photographer comes into the men's bathroom and walks over to the urinal. He's not quite sure where to put his camera and starts looking around the bathroom for a good place to lay it down. Another wedding guest at the sink notices this and politely asks "Do you want me to hold it for you?"...