A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

What do you call an unpredictable camera??

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon.

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

Who is the patron saint of security cameras?

St Francis of a CCTV

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

I was taking a photo when my friend tripped and spilt his Vaseline on my camera!

It’s a shame he photo balmed me

Why did the camera blush?

Because it saw film strip.

What would you call Popeye The sailor man if he was a camera man?

Popeye DSLR Man

People: Why does iPhone 11 camera looks like a stove?

Me: Because Tim Cook

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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

President Trump stood at the podium in front of a hundred cameras.

"Good morning. I want to tell you about the work our Customs and Border Patrol people are doing on the southern border. I'm being told that we have more people crossing the border illegally now than ever before in our nation's history -- maybe in the history of the world. Yesterday, our people captu...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

Do you know what the best item to prevent Sasquatch attacks is?

A camera.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

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I was lining up a camera shot in Asia

"Japan?"

No, it was a still shot.

How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

I was with my wife in a taxi in Beijing....

I was with my wife in a taxi in Beijing. It was the last day of our holiday, and she was extolling the virtues of GoogleTranslate.

"It's great," she said, just point the camera at something and it translates the text in place. And she was right - for reading menus or road signs it was a l...

A Blonde wife walks in to her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.
"Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.
"Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.
"Because the man on the tv knows what I'm doing. Every...

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

These reversing cameras are great!!

Since i got one I haven't looked back.

Why don't US presidents like cameras?

They don't like being shot.

What do you get when you stack a camera on top of 3 Tide pods?

A tripod

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I took my first dick pic with a polaroid camera.

I showed my GF and she said

“Wait. I think it’s underdeveloped.”

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

Why is a camera like a condom?

They both capture the moment.

Apple just announced a new line of hidden camera surveillance products, including a glass that sits on your bathroom sink.

They're calling it The iCup.

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

Why did one camera company buy out the other?

To get their competition out of the picture.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

Why do scientists have cameras in the toilet?

They wanna see their pee HD.

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

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The interactive Black Mirror episode wouldn't allow the therapist to show her genitals on camera.

Banned her snatch.

Back in my day I could go to the store with one dollar and come back with a soda and two bags of chips.

But nowadays they have cameras.

Jesus walks into a restaurant

Waiter: -Would you like a drink?

Jesus : -Water is fine.

Jesus: \*looks directly into camera\*

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

City Redlights

I was driving around in the city when I was about to go through a green light.

I noticed that it had one of those cameras that will take a picture of your plates if you run the red and thought nothing of it.

However, when I went through the green it flashed and took a picture of me. I ...

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

My magic camera lens keeps flying away and perching on things.

It was aperture.

Apparently the BBC can pay me less than minimum wage

But they said the camera adds ten pounds

What the difference between anime and hentai?

The camera angle.

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

I like to play hide and seek with my flatmates

I hide cameras and they seek legal retribution

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

When George Eastman brought the first Kodak camera to market, no one could believe it...

They said "pics or it didn't happen".

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

Did you hear about the new addition to French tanks?

A rear view camera, so they can see the battle going on.

NSA

My sister just told me that she taped up the **camera** because she's afraid of being spied on by the **NSA**.

*I laughed*

*she laughed*

*the smartphone laughed*

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before pa...

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

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A man named Paddy was having a meeting with his manager Nick

Nick turned to Paddy and said to him "Mr Whack, on this CCTV camera, I have caught you having sex with a dog."

"I'm terribly sorry sir" says Paddy, "but there must be some kind of mixup."

Nick looks at him and shouts "I've got CCTV footage of the incident right here" and he plays the s...

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

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A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time g...

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I accidentally washed my cameras memory card.

Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

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When I was a kid, my dad always used to hit me with a camera

I still have flashbacks, and a really weird photo album

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

Aaron Paul prefers to stay in character even when the cameras aren't rolling

It's called methead acting

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts.

It's called flatulence.

Sorry, I'm a dad.

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When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...

Too many fuckin' security cameras.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

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Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed...

...that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

The school hired me as a photographer

So I was hired to photograph a school event and when I walked up to the doors these security guys stared me down and asked what I was doing

I started to reach for my camera and said I was the school shooter

And the douchebags jumped on me and cuffed me!

what's the difference between a bunch of cameras and a million dollars?

i haven't hid a million dollars inside your house

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

Before camera phones…

…a selfie was another term for an hj.

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