UPJOKE
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Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes.

I asked Siri why I'm still single...

It opened the front camera.

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them...

Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

My parents couldn't have more opposite jobs. My dad works behind the camera for his real estate company...

My mom works in front of the camera for her fake taxi company.

I heard a horror story involving a camera and window blinds.

I shutter at the thought of it.

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

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I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera

A woman walks into a shop and tells the clerk she's looking for a new bag.

The clerk says "Right this way--we've got a great selection."

The woman picks out a bag, the clerk takes it to the counter and looks it over before saying "Great choice...and a bargain at £50. Very spacious too; you'll be able to fit nearly anything in here."

"Why this wallet fits," th...

Today in front of the Golden Gate Bridge, a Chinese couple gave me their very good camera as a present.

The rest I didn't understand.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

My new car has a reverse camera.

It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

What happened when the '90s kid saw a disposable camera?

It gave them a flashback!

Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.

What brand of camera a fanfiction writer owns?

A Canon Camera

My dumbass brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.

What happened next will shock you.

What do you call the people with cameras that follow opera singers?

The pavarazzi

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

Priest and the Camera

Twice a week the local parish priest liked to go up on the roof of the rectory and crank one out. He had decided that this was probably the most discreet and secure place he could be and not be discovered. One day a tourist on a nearby tower was taking pictures of the city landscape and noticed the ...

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o’clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says “I bet you $100 he does it.” Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. “I’m sorry man, I can’t t...

I remember when I could go into the grocery store with a dollar in my pocket.

And come out with a dozen eggs, pound of bacon and a loaf of bread.

You can’t do that anymore they have cameras everywhere.

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I like my sex the way I like my pickpocketing.

Nowhere near security cameras.

A Blonde wife walks into her living room and finds her blonde husband desperately looking for something.

## He's moving furniture, checking in vents, simply looking in every nook and cranny of the living room. Perplexed the wife asks him what he is searching for.

## "Hidden Cameras," the husband replies.

## "Why!?" The wife asks totally boggled.

## "Because the man on the tv knows ...

No one turns on their camera in zoom

they have been infected by Novid-19

If your phone still only has one back camera

then you shouldn't be worried about Biden's tax plans

Camera men always get their job done

They’re very good at focusing

Why did the camera flash go to jail?

It was charged with battery.

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

I just got a photo from a speed camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

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Will Smith so white...

Will Smith so white he can hit a black man on camera and get away with it.

During a Zoom call between an American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, a German and an Englishman, the Englishman turned on his camera.

He asked, “Can everyone see me?”

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

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I just started working in a record store.

A Shifty Looking Guy walks in and says.

"got anything by The Doors?"

I said "yes 2 cameras and an alarm, now fuck off"!

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party

You want to do it, but you don't want to be the first, and you definitely don't want to be the only

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

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A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time g...

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

A 90 year old man was being interviewed on the secret to long life

The TV cameras were rolling as he was explaining that his secret to long life was to never drink or chase loose women, when the back bedroom door opened and a barely dressed young woman ran out and grabbed an ice tray from the fridge.

A bellow from the back room came, “Woman, get back here!”...

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

What’s the difference between a cop and a movie camera-man?

If the movie camera-man turns his camera off, he gets fired.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera...

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit even though I knew I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. No...

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I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

A car gets stopped on the road

In a few seconds, the car is surrounded by cameras and journalists and a reporter tells the driver:

"Congratulations , you're the 10 000 000 car on this road, you're getting 10 000 000 €!! What will you do with that money?"

The male driver thinks for a moment, then replies: "Well, firs...

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

Why do scientists have cameras in the toilet?

They wanna see their pee HD.

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

Grandpa:

"Back in the day, you could walk into a grocery store with $ 2 and leave with a full shopping cart. But nowadays they have security cameras everywhere!"

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

I Remember

when I could go to the local milk bar with a dollar and walk out with a big bag of lollies.

You can’t do that anymore, things have changed.

These days they have cameras everywhere..

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

I have a colleague who goes haywire every time he misplaces his camera.

Talk about a loose Canon

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

I've read about an airport infra-red camera that detected breast cancer.

I guess we can't stress enough the importance of mass surveillance.

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I was lining up a camera shot in Asia

"Japan?"

No, it was a still shot.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.

As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any strip clubs while you're in New York?"

The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"

When he ...

If you're nice to me, I'll sell you an action camera for really cheap.

It's a Quid GoPro.

What would you call Popeye The sailor man if he was a camera man?

Popeye DSLR Man

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...

I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

Why did the camera blush?

Because it saw film strip.

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I took my first dick pic with a polaroid camera.

I showed my GF and she said

“Wait. I think it’s underdeveloped.”

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

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What do you call a hidden camera in a lingerie store dressing room?

A booby trap!

Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom...

... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.

The pope wakes up one Sunday morning…

As he goes into the bathroom, he can’t help but notice that he is sporting some rather impressive morning wood. Recognizing the fact that he can’t conduct services in his condition, he decides to “rough up the alter boy”.

After returning to his home after giving an excellent sermon, he find...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

People: Why does iPhone 11 camera looks like a stove?

Me: Because Tim Cook

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