UPJOKE
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A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon

My new car has a reverse camera.

It’s awesome. Since I got it, I haven’t looked back.

If your phone still only has one back camera

then you shouldn't be worried about Biden's tax plans

My Dad used to beat me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Now that everyone carries a decent camera with them...

Where did all of the U.F.O's go?

What do you call a camera mounted on a ISIS-truck?

a daeshcam

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

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A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time g...

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail

I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality

What do you call worms in front of a home security camera?

Ring worms

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman’s hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What happened when the '90s kid saw a disposable camera?

It gave them a flashback!

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

Camera men always get their job done

They’re very good at focusing

Why did the camera flash go to jail?

It was charged with battery.

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

To which I say, “Stop eating cameras.”

Google just called, they want to put a camera on your mom...

... they heard she makes it around the block faster than their street view cars.

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before pa...

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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

Priest and the Camera

Twice a week the local parish priest liked to go up on the roof of the rectory and crank one out. He had decided that this was probably the most discreet and secure place he could be and not be discovered. One day a tourist on a nearby tower was taking pictures of the city landscape and noticed the ...

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

Canon to release new camera, the Canon 80D.

Sadly it can't focus.

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

No one turns on their camera in zoom

they have been infected by Novid-19

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes.

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

What brand of camera a fanfiction writer owns?

A Canon Camera

Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.

I heard a horror story involving a camera and window blinds.

I shutter at the thought of it.

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

What do you call the people with cameras that follow opera singers?

The pavarazzi

People: Why does iPhone 11 camera looks like a stove?

Me: Because Tim Cook

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

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Japanese scientist have created a camera.

It has such an immense shutter speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

My dumbass brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.

What happened next will shock you.

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

What's the difference between a camera and a foot?

A camera has photos and a foot has five toes.
(Told to me by a 9 year old child I work with)

Judge: "You were caught on the high-speed camera going 50 mph over the limit."

defendant: "If the camera is on weed and Adderall, I doubt we can trust its judgement on how fast I drove."

I got a free iPhoneX, $300 cash and a camera

Its like this gun has magic

Why did the camera blush?

Because it saw film strip.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

Why don't US presidents like cameras?

They don't like being shot.

Why did one camera company buy out the other?

To get their competition out of the picture.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

Before camera phones…

…a selfie was another term for an hj.

Why do scientists have cameras in the toilet?

They wanna see their pee HD.

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

Two Southern belles are walking down a country road.

They are out enjoying a sunset walk and admiring the scenery, when they come across a man taking photographs. The man, being awestruck at the beauty of the two ladies, asks if he can take their picture with the setting sun in the background.

The ladies discuss the idea and eventually agree. ...

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A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.

A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.

*- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...*
*- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place...

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party

You want to do it, but you don't want to be the first, and you definitely don't want to be the only

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

What’s the difference between a cop and a movie camera-man?

If the movie camera-man turns his camera off, he gets fired.

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I was lining up a camera shot in Asia

"Japan?"

No, it was a still shot.

I accidentally washed my cameras memory card.

Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

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I got peanut butter on my camera

Now every picture is a jif

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I took my first dick pic with a polaroid camera.

I showed my GF and she said

“Wait. I think it’s underdeveloped.”

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The Camera Man

A wedding photographer comes into the men's bathroom and walks over to the urinal. He's not quite sure where to put his camera and starts looking around the bathroom for a good place to lay it down. Another wedding guest at the sink notices this and politely asks "Do you want me to hold it for you?"...

What do you call a camera made out of cheese?

A GoProvolone.

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

I've read about an airport infra-red camera that detected breast cancer.

I guess we can't stress enough the importance of mass surveillance.

A man asked me if I could figure out how to operate a camera...

I told him I'd look into it and give it my best shot.

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What do you call a sexually ambiguous camera with emotional issues?

A bi-polaroid.

I have a colleague who goes haywire every time he misplaces his camera.

Talk about a loose Canon

Babe, you're like a camera.

Everytime i look at you, i shutter.

My boss accused me of installing a hidden camera in the woman's toilet.

"How do you know it was me, it could be anyone!", I told him.

"I saw you from MY camera!", he replied.

How do you know if the camera you just bought was made in Asia?

If the shutter makes a "crick" noise.

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

During a Zoom call between an American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, a German and an Englishman, the Englishman turned on his camera.

He asked, “Can everyone see me?”

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

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A guy driving along gets pulled over by a traffic cop for going 1 mph over the limit

The guy steps out of his car and the cop asks in a sarcastic tone why he his so important to be driving that fast.
The guy replies carefully that he is on his way to his next job. "Oh yeah " the cop replies " and what is that President?"
"No" the guy replies "I'm a rectum stretcher"
"O...

Why I don't trust photos taken from a cellphone camera

They seem...phony

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

Covert Russian Cameras Discovered In High Profile US Officials' Restroom Facilities

The cameras were disassembled, and found to be of Russian origin. Upon further investigation, they are found to be part of a Russian espionage/blackmail program, codenamed 'Operation VCUP'.

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Did you know about colonoscopies before cameras?

Apparently it was a real painter in the ass.

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What do you call a hidden camera in a lingerie store dressing room?

A booby trap!

Today I asked my phone

"Siri why am I still single?"

And it activated the front camera

How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera?

Stare at it for 30 seconds

If you're nice to me, I'll sell you an action camera for really cheap.

It's a Quid GoPro.

What would you call Popeye The sailor man if he was a camera man?

Popeye DSLR Man

My magic camera lens keeps flying away and perching on things.

It was aperture.

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

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Last week I dropped my camera into the toilet

The pictures were even shittier than usual

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The interactive Black Mirror episode wouldn't allow the therapist to show her genitals on camera.

Banned her snatch.

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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