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Cum Jokes

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Why say you swallow cum?

When you can say you sucseed

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What do you call an ad about making women cum??

Clit-bait.

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A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear...

She says, "No, I'll go deaf."

He says, "Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up."

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What’s long and hard and has cum in the middle?

Cucumber.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

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I'm done, this is my last ever cum joke.

Premature or not, I've created millions of these and none of them stick.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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Some people prefer to cum in a jar

I prefer to jack in a box

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

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What does a fighter pilot say before they cum

Eject Eject Eject!!

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I close my eyes when I cum

Because cool guys don't look at explosions

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What do you call a license to cum?

A spermit

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How do pornstars get paid?

In cum.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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why did the cum cross the road?

because i put on the wrong sock this morning

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Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

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(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

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Porn sites should be .cum not .com

I’m serious. It would help with the disambiguation thing

Girl - “Make me cum”

Genie - “You might want to rephrase that”

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

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While I was doing some clearing out, I found an old cum jar I started

That was a blast from the past

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she cums all over his face and says messy eh?

He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

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How do you make Bob Dylan cum really far?

Blow him in the wind

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

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Whats it called when you cum in a jigglypuff?

A creampuff.

please dont hurt me

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Where does honey cum from?

Beez nutz
Ha, stung’m

I’ll walk out the room now.

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If there's more life in cum than there is in blood

why does Dracula refuses to suck my dick?

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After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man

After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man. He kisses her.

"Only Reggie used to kiss me," she mumbles.

He grabs her breast.

"Only Reggie used to fondle me," she stammers.

He inserts himself inside her.

"Only Reggie used to penetrate me," she ...

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What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

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What's it called when you cum in someone's coffee?

An ejaculatte.

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How is a system update similar to cumming?

If you don't do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

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What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

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I gave a detailed explanation to my girlfriend why I wanted to cum on her face.

But it went over her head.

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A prostitute slipped on cum while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard dick.

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

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What do you get if someone cums in your eye?

A stigmajism.

Or (thanks to WasteChard3488):

A jizmatism.

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What do you call a pornstar who doesnt cum?

A master baiter

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I can only cum on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

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What do you call it when you cum on a sad girl?

A download.

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Why do kings always scream when they cum?

Because it's customary to announce when royalty arrives.

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What do you get if you urinate and cum at the same time?

Peanut

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what do you call a blowjob that makes you cum a lot?

sucksessful

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Gay jokes aren't funny.

Cum on guys.

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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I asked my friend what a cum dumpster was

He said, look behind you, you'll find it.

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

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I made my girlfriend cum three times.

Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.

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What does a mineralogist call his cum sock?

Loadstone

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After I have sex, I always asks the girl "Did you Cum"?

The girl always replies, Yeah to the wrong fucking house..

Now pass my fucking panties....

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What‘s the favourite way for an A.I. to cum?

An interfacial.

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What do you call a diabetic man's cum?

High fructose porn syrup.

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I know the stain on my shirt looks like cum

But its not

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A farmer has an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some hardcore porn. Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with porn 24/7 for several days, and exposes him to ...

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Voodoo dick

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a vibrator to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a sex shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best vibrator she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

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I finally bought myself a new cum rag

I splurged

I hate it when I blow a guy for a really long time, but he doesn't cum...

It's like that Coldplay song,
"when you try your best, but you don't suck seed"

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What is the moment when you make a girl cum called?

A clitical hit

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Did you hear about the pornstar that could cum in one second?

His name was Juan Mississippi.

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Why is the amount of people with a fetish for fruit always an even number?

Because they always cum in pears.

What's long, hard, full of cum, and makes the women scream?

The sock underneath my bed.

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Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

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If my wife hates when I cum in her hair.

Why does she keep leaving it in the shower drain?

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(Original) did you know that if you squeeze one of your balls hard enough you'll cum?

Because sooner or later you'll bust a nut

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Summa Cum Laude

Summa cum quieta.

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What did the Vegetable Fetishists say when they landed on an alien planet?

“We cum in peas.”

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Cum and Lotion look and taste the same....

JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

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You may not be a loud masturbator...

But you still make a cum motion.

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Confucius say:

Man with severe premature ejaculation may cum in handy

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