UPJOKE
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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

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How is a system update similar to cumming?

If you don't do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get in to an elevator at their apartment building.

As the door closes the brunette looks down on the ground and see what appears to be a puddle of cum and says, “Eeeeeeew there cum on the ground!”

The redhead gets on her hands and knees and sniffs it and says, “Yeah it smells like cum!”

The blonde dips her finger in it and tastes it an...

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Some people prefer to cum in a jar

I prefer to jack in a box

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

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I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

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What does a cumsock and its owner have in common?

They’re both probably single.

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What do you call coffee with cum in it

A Fappuccino

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What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle?

A cucumber

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why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

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My wife won’t let me cum in her because it messes up her pH levels.

I’m starting to think it’s actually because I’m too basic for her…

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Did you here about the guy who died right before he was about to climax?

He thought he was cumming but he was actually going

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[Almost a real story] My middle school friends and I, when we were in middle school, were talking about our wet dreams. everyone was having a good time talking about the naughty stuff, but my friend Hassan was all quiet and unamused. Later he came to me and said that he wants my thought.

\- So what's up Hassan?

\+ Ali all the guys are having wet dreams and I am not. Am I sick or something?

\- I don't think so. but there must be a reason that you don't. tell me, Do you fap?

\+ Of course I fap.

\- Do you fap a lot...?

\+ not really. once or twice...

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I have a friend who only knows masturbation jokes

He says they cum in handy

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What do you call two communists who masturbate together?

Cum-rades!







(I am not sorry, this was brilliant and I'm proud of it.)

A baby whale told his mother thanks for making me.

She said your whale cum.

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

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I stand here today, in the grave of my unborn children...

or in other words, I accidentally put on the cum sock.

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People with clock fetishes are so punctual.

They always cum on time

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when it comes to birth control

Condoms are 98% effective and the pill is 99%.
How about the birth control experts just figure how to make cum taste like chocolate, everyone wins.

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While I was doing some clearing out, I found an old cum jar I started

That was a blast from the past

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What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for cumming!

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

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Sex with honors student is deafening

They always cum laude

What was the inventor of the Fleshlight thinking?

If I build it, they will cum.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

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Do you ever wonder if the web developers behind Pornhub were inspired by Kevin Costner & Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will cum

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

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NSFW joke I heard from an officer while in the army (translated from Greek)

Three friends are sitting in a bar.

One of them starts bragging, "Guys, my stamina in bed is fucking amazing. I can fuck 3 women in one go". The other two respond "Yeah right mate.. how about you prove it?". So they bring in 3 women and stand them naked up against the wall.

He starts...

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I close my eyes when I cum

Because cool guys don't look at explosions

A young whale asks his dad where he came from.

Father: “When a mommy whale and a daddy whale love each other very much they make a baby whale.”

Son: “Thanks, dad!”

Father: “You’re whale cum, son!”

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My blind wife gets so angry when she bumps into me while I’m masturbating

She never sees me cumming.

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Did you hear there is going to be a top 10 billboard style chart for porn?

What is this world cumming to?

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

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I'm trying to make a vasectomy "vast difference vas deferens joke"

But it's just not cumming out right.

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As Confucius once said

Man who masturbate, always cum in handy

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what were the three rejected names for condoms

The jizz mittens,cum kuisi,and the kidnappers

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

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Y’all hear of about that one chick who’s addicted to jerking men off?

Lots of guys say that she cums in handy!

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Why was Bunker Hill so slimy?

The British are cumming!

The British are cumming!

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A woman suspected her husband was secretly gay

so one day she leads him to the bedroom to see how he performs. Mid-way through, he still hasn’t cum, and the phone rings.

Wife tells husband “wait for me, don’t cum” as she went downstairs to answer the phone.

Two minutes later she goes back to the bedroom to find cum everywhere....

Three women walk into an elevator

A blonde a brunette and a redhead. The door closes and a smear of a milky liquid is visible on the door. The brunette sniffs it and say "I think that is cum..."
The blond touches it and moves it around between her fingers and thumb and agrees..." that's cum".
The redhead dropped to he...

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My favorite sex position is 99...

Where we both fall asleep next to each other and the first one to cum is morning.

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A man's wife falls into a coma...

And after sitting by her side for several weeks the man finally has a new doctor give him some advice.

Doctor: Sometimes patients respond when they are given physical stimuli. What do you think about a massage.

Man: ok, I'll give her feet a rub.

After a few minutes the woman let...

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Nswf Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He always cums down the chimney

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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What does one need to successfully navigate a brothel?

A cum pass.

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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