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Cum Jokes

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Why say you swallow ?

When you can say you sucseed

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A man asks his wife if he can in her ear...

She says, "No, I'll go deaf."

He says, "Funny, I always in your mouth and you never ."

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What's another name for inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

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What do you call an ad about making women ??

-bait.

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What’s long and hard and has in the middle?

Cucumber.

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Some people prefer to in a jar

I prefer to jack in a box

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular shot

Bartender pours out something that looks like candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf ’”.

Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf ’?”

Bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like ...

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What do you call a license to ?

A spermit

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I close my eyes when I

Because cool guys don't look at explosions

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I'm done, this is my last ever joke.

Premature or not, I've created millions of these and none of them stick.

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leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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What does a fighter pilot say before they

Eject Eject Eject!!

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They say pineapple juice makes your taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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why did the man inside the sock

he wanted step kids

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the manager you -sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the manager of thi...

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What is it when u in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you !

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[] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Girl - “Make me ”

Genie - “You might want to rephrase that”

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of "?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

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why did the cross the road?

because i put on the wrong sock this morning

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While I was doing some clearing out, I found an old jar I started

That was a blast from the past

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

I put the "" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

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How do pornstars get paid?

In .

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What did the director say when his male actor missed his cue to ?

Hey Jack! You late!

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()What must a vampire ask before he has ?

Is it alright if I inside?

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just in them!"

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

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sites should be . not .com

I’m serious. It would help with the disambiguation thing

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If there's more life in than there is in blood

why does Dracula refuses to my ?

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What do you call a pornstar who doesnt ?

A master baiter

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Gay jokes aren't funny.

on guys.

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How is a system update similar to ?

If you don't do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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The whale on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

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Whats it called when you in a jigglypuff?

A creampuff.

please dont hurt me

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Where does honey from?

Beez nutz
Ha, stung’m

I’ll walk out the room now.

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What do you call flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

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After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man

After ten long years, a widow finds herself in bed with a new man. He kisses her.

"Only Reggie used to kiss me," she mumbles.

He grabs her breast.

"Only Reggie used to fondle me," she stammers.

He inserts himself inside her.

"Only Reggie used to penetrate me," she ...

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I gave a detailed explanation to my girlfriend why I wanted to on her face.

But it went over her head.

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A prostitute slipped on while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard .

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

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What's it called when you in someone's coffee?

An ejaculatte.

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's , you get the picture.

After a while they started to in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

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Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she cums all over his face and says messy eh?

He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

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How do you make Bob Dylan really far?

Blow him in the wind

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your holds 1.5 TB of data per ?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

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Why do kings always scream when they ?

Because it's customary to announce when royalty arrives.

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What do you call it when a programmer with a small and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself ?

Microsoft Edge

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What do you get if you urinate and at the same time?

Peanut

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what do you call a that makes you a lot?

sucksessful

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I can only on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

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What do you call it when you on a sad girl?

A download.

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What do you get if someone cums in your eye?

A stigmajism.

Or (thanks to WasteChard3488):

A jizmatism.

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

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After I have , I always asks the girl "Did you "?

The girl always replies, Yeah to the wrong house..

Now pass my ....

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What do you call a diabetic man's ?

High fructose syrup.

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What is the moment when you make a girl called?

A clitical hit

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Dave cannot make his wife .

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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I asked my friend what a dumpster was

He said, look behind you, you'll find it.

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I made my girlfriend three times.

Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.

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What does a mineralogist call his sock?

Loadstone

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What‘s the favourite way for an A.I. to ?

An interfacial.

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Summa Laude

Summa quieta.

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Why is the amount of people with a fetish for fruit always an even number?

Because they always in pears.

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How do vampires ?

They e*dracula*te

What's long, hard, full of , and makes the women scream?

The sock underneath my bed.

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Has anyone read the book, " Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

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A farmer has an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a fellow farmer, who tells him to show the bull some . Despite the silly advice, he has nothing to lose. He sets up a projector in the barn and showers the bull with 24/7 for several days, and exposes him to ...

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Voodoo

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

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I finally bought myself a new rag

I splurged

I hate it when I blow a guy for a really long time, but he doesn't ...

It's like that Coldplay song,
"when you try your best, but you don't seed"

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If my wife hates when I in her hair.

Why does she keep leaving it in the shower drain?

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(Original) did you know that if you squeeze one of your balls hard enough you'll ?

Because sooner or later you'll bust a nut

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What did the Vegetable Fetishists say when they landed on an alien planet?

“We in peas.”

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Did you hear about the pornstar that could in one second?

His name was Juan Mississippi.

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and Lotion look and taste the same....

JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......

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I know the stain on my shirt looks like

But its not

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Snow.

Snow is like a .

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating , if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the in front of you.....

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You may not be a loud masturbator...

But you still make a motion.

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Confucius say:

Man with severe premature may in handy

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