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What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

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What do you call a license to cum?

A spermit

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

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My wife won’t let me cum in her because it messes up her pH levels.

I’m starting to think it’s actually because I’m too basic for her…

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What do you call it when a ghost cums?

An ectogasm.

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I close my eyes when I cum

Because cool guys don't look at explosions

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I'm surprised there isn't more religious panic about foot fetishists.

After all, they are cumming for our soles.

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What do you call a cum sock on New Years day?

A blast from the past!

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When your roommate knocks while you're masturbating..

"Would you just let me be an alien and cum in peace?

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

You know the best thing about pirates orgies?

You can come as you are, and you can arrr as you cum.

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What did the gigolo with diarrhea say?

I can't tell if I'm cumming or going

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A father whale and his son are swimming...

... when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from?" The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

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What do you call a group of prostitutes?

A Cum Unity

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What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber

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A new vibrator has gone on sale.

Its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm,


It cums, farts, goes limp then switches itself off!.

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I'm a Leprechaun!

A man was at a club and after several drinks, of course he had to go to the bathroom. When he started relieving himself in the trough, he noticed a dwarf a few feet down the trough. He glanced down and saw that the dwarf was hung like a horse.

“Damn! How does a little guy like you have such a...

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Whats the difference between a causal dress party and having sex

Me: hey babe

Wife: hm?

Me: what’s the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate having sex?

Wife: oh god here we go.

Me:

Me: one, you come as you are…

Me: the other, you “ARRRR!!” as you cum

Wife: get out.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, eggs don't cum.

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What do you call a partner that's always there for you when you're down, but also extremely horny?

A cum-forter

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If there's more life in cum than there is in blood

why does Dracula refuses to suck my dick?

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I’ve been going to gloryholes recently

It’s great. The only downside is whenever someone knocks on my front door I cum in my pants.

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

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Immaculate conception disproven in 8 words.

Hey reddit, so by complete accident I've disproven the theory of Jesus's virgin birth through researching Christmas tunes. This can be found in the first eight words of 'Joy to the World'

Joy to the world, the Lord is cum.

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Having sex in an elevator is a lot like taking hard drugs

You get fucked up, before a big cum down.

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If you watch 1970's porn backwards..

It's about a hairy man who hoovers cum off a women, then breaks her washing machine and leaves...

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I got some cum in my ear the other night........

ended up with hearing aids

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What is it when u cum in the mouth of a chick that has braces?

The 1st time u see ur kid behind bars!

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I asked my friend what a cum dumpster was

He said, look behind you, you'll find it.

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.

But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?

Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!

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A man with a foot fetish got a job giving women pedicures...

Sounds obvious, right? Probably happens all the time.

However, this particular voyeur was really bad at controlling himself and concealing his intentions. One day he was in the process of painting a woman's toes, but he took a bit too much pleasure in it, as doing so gave him an erection so...

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I heard there was a documentary about clitoris on Netflix

I couldn't find it.

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Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken cums in another box.

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NSFW. Y do nice guys finish last.....

Because our ladies always cum first.

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I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

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Gay Jokes aren't funny!

Cum on guys!

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

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What is it called when someone cums in space?

Astronut.

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What did the failing student say to seduce her professor?

I want you to make me cum laude

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What do you call it when you're having sex with a guy against a wall and he cums?

A wall-nut

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Why do kings always scream when they cum?

Because it's customary to announce when royalty arrives.

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My mom told me that I was conceived in a car

She said it was an internal cum bust, son.

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What do you call cum flavoured candy?

A condom-mint

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Do you know why twins are sexual deviants?

They cum in pears.

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

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Where does honey cum from?

Beez nutz
Ha, stung’m

I’ll walk out the room now.

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

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[NSFW] Did you hear they banned all porn from the internet?

I don't know what this world is cumming to.

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

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Best part about cumming on my girlfriend’s tits?

There’s 8 of em!

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A prostitute slipped on cum while servicing a man in an alley

She fell down and poked her eye on the man’s hard dick.

A witness told a policeman, “She looked a bit cockeyed.”

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

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How do vampires cum?

They e*dracula*te

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

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My wife is going to kill me for ejaculating onto the spice rack

My thyme has cum

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

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What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

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TIL of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm

Sir Cum Sized

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What disease can be transferred by cumming in someone’s ear

Hearing AIDS

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A farmer has a big problem with an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a local veterinarian.

The veterinarian tells him there is a experimental option to show the bull some hardcore porn.

The farmer says he knows this sounds silly but he has nothing to lose and is willing to try a...

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Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

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What do you call a fat European knight who works in the porn industry?

Sir Cum France

I put the "cum" in "vacuume"

No seriously guys, my moms gonna be home any minute and the tube is filled. How do I get it out.

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Whenever I have sex it's like playing a game of hide or seek.

I'm always the one who yells: Ready or Not Here I Cum!

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I hear NASA wants to put the DNA of 6.7 million species on the Moon.

That's a pretty big cum shot if you ask me.

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You are so fat...

...than when you watch porn, you cum when the guy delivers the pizza.

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Why does Santa have prostate cancer?

Because he only cums once a year.

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Overheard

This guy is in a restaurant and he hears another dude w a thick accent talking in the next booth.

He stares down into his plate of eggs and the guy behind him goes

"Emma cum first, then I cum"

And he reaches for the pepper and the guy is still talking

"Then the two asses...

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

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You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

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What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

What do you call a knight with no foreskin?

Sir-cumcised

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If November is "No Nut" November What Does That Make December?

The cumming month?

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Post nut clarity can be devastating

it's like cumming to your senses

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