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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

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Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.

And then there was Mr Dickinson…

Why do Christians hate butchers?

They don’t condone beating meat

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Why should you never fight a butcher?

Because they'll tare you a new asshole.

A butcher is 6ft tall, and wears size 10 shoes, what does he weigh?

Meat

A woman goes to a butcher and says

"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean"

"No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

Did ya hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work

How does a Butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty!!!

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A man enters a butcher's shop

The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"

Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."

A lady goes into a butcher shop

A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.



The butcher says "I get off at 6."



The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I went down to the butcher shop and said to him, "Who said you could sleep with MY wife?"

He said, "Everybody."

-Rodney Dangerfield

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I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

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Got fired from the butchers today for putting my dick in the mince machine.

She got fired as well..

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

A Math Professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion

A math professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion. The prof arrives in a small yellow Volkswagen, the engineer arrives in a BMW and the butcher arrives in a Ferrari.

After a bit of small talk the prof and the engineer asks the butcher how he got to buy such a gr...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

A woman walks into a butcher shop.

She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."

To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror."

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

My Vietnamese friend told me that it was okay for me you use the English pronunciation if his name instead of butchering the Vietnamese pronunciation.

What a Nguyen-Nguyen situation!

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My buddy who's a butcher had to fire the new guy at work today.

Me: Why?

Buddy: He kept putting his dick in the bacon-slicer.

Me: What did you do with the bacon-slicer?

Buddy: I fired her too.

Man takes his son to the butcher shop

While at the shop, the boy sees the butcher put a piece of pork meet into the grinder to make sausage, and asks his dad:

"What's that for dad?"

The dad answers: "Well son that's a meat grinder, you put a pig on one side and a sausage comes out of the other end..."

The boy inquir...

I started a butchering job the other day.

My first job was to crack and pull out duck necks and to make a memorable first day I said


"You know how ducks quack? Well soon enough I'll be quacking their neck"

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

What does a butcher call a cow on a hill?

High Steaks

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Guy is fed up that his girlfriend spreads her legs during the night, taking so much space in bed.

"I read that if you keep doing that, all your guts are going to come out during the night", he says
\- no way, you're talking bullshit...

Some time passes. Guy's so fed up, he goes to a butcher and buys all kinds of animal intestines and puts it between the gf legs while she's asleep, ri...

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

I went to a new butcher's today with my wife...

And the butcher propositioned me: "If you can grab all the meat off the top shelf in 10 seconds, you'll get it all for free! However if you fail, I get to spend the night with your wife!"

I looked at the meat and I thought about it for a moment then replied: "I'd like to try but I just can't....

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher.

Her: Wow! Have you no heart?

Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

Did you hear about the livestock delivery service?

They...

Sorry, I’ve butchered the delivery

How do you kill a butcher?

Thrust a steak through his heart.

A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

“Should I stop or do you want me to go on?”

“Go on, go on!”

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the custome...

Why did the butcher get fired?

Mistakes were made

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

A man walks into a butchers's shop

and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?

The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".

So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"

So the butcher looks up.

He looks down, and back at the man.

...

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

I'm really going to butcher this joke...

Well, it's already in two parts.

I’m a butcher and I sell dead chickens at work

They aren’t going cheep

Why didn’t the butcher cross the road?

He didn’t want to brisket

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At the Butchers

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asked the manager, "Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found with his dick stuck in the bacon slicer while at work.

Then the man asked, "What happened with the...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

A man walks into a butcher shop and asks if the butcher has any duck meat.

The butcher says of course he does, but can only give it on a special condition.

"You can only get the duck if you stab yourself with a butcher's knife" the butcher tells the man.

The man was confused a...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

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A Dog and a Butcher

A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”.

The dog points to some steak in a glass case and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice

“Anything else” asks the butcher.
The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher ...

I just failed my butcher's exam.

Mis-steaks were made.

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

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Who’s the horniest person in town?

The butcher; he’s always beating his meat

The Butcher offered me 8 legs of venison for only $10!

But for me, it was still 2 deer.

Not only bad at jokes, I’m also bad at titles

At the local butcher shop the was a challenge. The challenge was that if you could jump and touch on of the steaks on the ceiling, you would get twenty dollars. If you couldn’t, you would have to pay for one of the steaks. So a man named Jack came up to the challenge. As he was about to try he was s...

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

She: so what do you do for a living?

Me, trying to impress her: i work with animals.
She: aaww thats cute i knew you had a good heart.

Turns out being a butcher is helpful for picking up girls.

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I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No.

But you fuck one goat....

A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.

She's got a lot of beef right now.

The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order.

We call her Miss Steak.

I was at the butchers the other day

And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

My friend is a German butcher

He always tells me the wurst jokes.

What do competitive butchers say to each other?

I will beat your meat!

Butcher Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She ...

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?

Meat.

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