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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

A butcher accidentally backed into his grinder.

He got a little behind in his work.

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

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I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty

A lady goes into a butcher shop

A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.



The butcher says "I get off at 6."



The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I went down to the butcher shop and said to him, "Who said you could sleep with MY wife?"

He said, "Everybody."

-Rodney Dangerfield

What does a butcher call a cow on a hill?

High Steaks

A woman walks into a butcher shop.

She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."

To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror."

What did the butcher say to the customer who wanted meat that was waaaay up on the top shelf?

Sorry but the steaks are too high.

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

To make ends meat

Man takes his son to the butcher shop

While at the shop, the boy sees the butcher put a piece of pork meet into the grinder to make sausage, and asks his dad:

"What's that for dad?"

The dad answers: "Well son that's a meat grinder, you put a pig on one side and a sausage comes out of the other end..."

The boy inquir...

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

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My buddy who's a butcher had to fire the new guy at work today.

Me: Why?

Buddy: He kept putting his dick in the bacon-slicer.

Me: What did you do with the bacon-slicer?

Buddy: I fired her too.

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

How do you kill a butcher?

Thrust a steak through his heart.

What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

“Should I stop or do you want me to go on?”

“Go on, go on!”

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the custome...

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher.

Her: Wow! Have you no heart?

Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

A butcher is 5'10" and has a 38" waist. What does he weigh?

Meat.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

What did the ignored butcher say?

Everybody needs my meat but nobody meets my needs.

Why wouldn't the Baker play poker with the tall Butcher?

The stakes were too high.

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A Dog and a Butcher

A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”.

The dog points to some steak in a glass case and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice

“Anything else” asks the butcher.
The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher ...

A man walks into a butchers's shop

and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?

The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".

So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"

So the butcher looks up.

He looks down, and back at the man.

...

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

Why did the butcher get fired?

Mistakes were made

I’m a butcher and I sell dead chickens at work

They aren’t going cheep

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Why can't they call me Joe the butcher?

I've been a butcher for 20 years. You'd think they'd call me Joe the butcher. But no, they don't.

I'm also a pilot. Fly a lot. You'd think they'd call me Joe the pilot. But nope. They don't.

I give away a ton of money to charity. Most of my money. You'd think they'd call me Joe the phi...

Why didn’t the butcher cross the road?

He didn’t want to brisket

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At the Butchers

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asked the manager, "Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found with his dick stuck in the bacon slicer while at work.

Then the man asked, "What happened with the...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

A man walks into a butcher shop and asks if the butcher has any duck meat.

The butcher says of course he does, but can only give it on a special condition.

"You can only get the duck if you stab yourself with a butcher's knife" the butcher tells the man.

The man was confused a...

Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what's happened to your apprentice butcher?

Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.

Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man

I've sacked her too, said the butcher.

I'm really going to butcher this joke...

Well, it's already in two parts.

My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

I just failed my butcher's exam.

Mis-steaks were made.

The Butcher offered me 8 legs of venison for only $10!

But for me, it was still 2 deer.

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

What do competitive butchers say to each other?

I will beat your meat!

A new butcher shop opens up down the street

Guy 1: Hey, friend! You wanna go to that new butcher shop down the street?

Guy 2: Nah, I'm not up to it.

Guy 1: What's the matter? Chicken?

Guy 2: Hey! Don't give be beef! I just pigged out on lunch and now I'm feeling a bit horse.

Guy 1: Come on! Not going would be a m...

What did the butcher say when kicked in the genitals?

I've got some tender loins

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I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No.

But you fuck one goat....

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

I was at the butchers the other day

And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."

A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.

She's got a lot of beef right now.

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

My friend is a German butcher

He always tells me the wurst jokes.

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order.

We call her Miss Steak.

There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?

Meat.

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

Butcher Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She ...

What did the surrealist butcher name his shop?

Salvador Deli

How does the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty.

(This was told to me by an old man I cut off with my grocery cart at the grocery store).

Smartest dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

A butcher in London...

So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes ...

So a German father steps into a butcher shop

to provide food for his kid's 18th birthday party. They exchange pleasantries and the father asks for authentic german meats food for his son's party.

"That would be about ten euros per guest for a lavish traditional meal," the butcher says. The father, who is celebrating not only his son's c...

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the am...

Why aren't there any female butchers?

Because anytime they touch meat it turns to bone.

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