This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...

He said, "Meet Patty".

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

An American, a Pole and an Israeli arrive at the butcher's shop

There's a notice on the door:

# Shortage today, no meat, sorry

The American: What's 'shortage' ?

The Pole: What's 'meat' ?

The Israeli: What's 'sorry' ?

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl?

Because he wanted a piggyback.

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging.

I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.

A butcher is serving his customers...

... when a stray dog comes in and starts barking.

The butcher is about to shoo him away when one customer says, "give him few lamb chops".

The butcher agrees and puts some in front of the dog. The dog eats everything in front of him but is still hungry. He looks at the butcher and st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig?

It didn't make the cut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

What do you call a group of butchers?

A meating.

I asked the butcher if he had any tripe.

He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’.

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"

The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

Two Butchers were yelling at each other inside their store.

They have beef.

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire?

Grab your meat and beat it

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies.

"I love a man who cares about animals.

Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

I went in the butchers the other day.

I said: "You've got a sheep's head in the window."

The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Vegan lady and a butcher

A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

A butcher was selling a barrel of pork

For 600 dollars.

What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common?

They both get paid to beat their meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to kill her self

She has had enough. Everyone is seeing her as a object and wants to have sex with her. So she jumps out of the 5th floor.

A man in the 4th floor sees her falling and catches her.

"What do you think you're doing?", he says, "Life is good. We can go to cinema. We can have some Ice Cream...

I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?"

He said, "Everybody."

Rodney Dangerfield

A guy goes to the butcher.

"I want one pound of liver sausage - but from the fat and rough one!"

The butcher replies:

"I´m sorry. She is on holiday."

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

A Math Professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion

A math professor, an engineer and a butcher goes to their 10 year school reunion. The prof arrives in a small yellow Volkswagen, the engineer arrives in a BMW and the butcher arrives in a Ferrari.

After a bit of small talk the prof and the engineer asks the butcher how he got to buy such a gr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts.

It was offal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

Why do Christians hate butchers?

They don’t condone beating meat

I love being a butcher.

It makes it easy to meat people.

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-Un decided to have a big celebration.

[Long]
He wanted this to be an amazing event, so he made sure to hire the best orchestra around. The director was world renowned to have the most amazing musicians.


The day of the celebration came, but when the orchestra started to play, it was terrible. Kim was so mad, he ordered the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a butcher's shop

The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"

Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

A woman goes to a butcher and says

"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean"

"No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her husband.

Every night, the husband farts in his sleep. His farts were so loud and disgusting that, most nights, she couldn't sleep at night.

One day, she tries to tell him "honey, please stop farting in bed. It's hard to sleep when just as I'm about to get some rest I hear this sudden *POOMPH* from yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

My Vietnamese friend told me that it was okay for me you use the English pronunciation if his name instead of butchering the Vietnamese pronunciation.

What a Nguyen-Nguyen situation!

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.

They're called ABBA Trois

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dog and a Butcher

A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”.

The dog points to some steak in a glass case and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice

“Anything else” asks the butcher.
The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher ...

I went to a new butcher's today with my wife...

And the butcher propositioned me: "If you can grab all the meat off the top shelf in 10 seconds, you'll get it all for free! However if you fail, I get to spend the night with your wife!"

I looked at the meat and I thought about it for a moment then replied: "I'd like to try but I just can't....

A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

“Should I stop or do you want me to go on?”

“Go on, go on!”

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the custome...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.