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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?"

He said, "Everybody."

Rodney Dangerfield

A man walks into a butcher shop...

and asks for the meat from the top shelf.

The butcher says “Sorry friend but the steaks are too high.”

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

Vegan lady and a butcher

A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder.

He got a little behind in his work

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"

The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

Today at the butchers I fell into a pile of animal guts.

It was offal!

An African American woman named Bethany goes to the butchers to see if they have any beef.

"No, black Betty. Ham or lamb"

A guy goes to the butcher.

"I want one pound of liver sausage - but from the fat and rough one!"

The butcher replies:

"I´m sorry. She is on holiday."

I love being a butcher.

It makes it easy to meat people.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."

But the steaks were too high.

What do you call a butchers conference

A meating

A butcher is 6ft tall, and wears size 10 shoes, what does he weigh?

Meat

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

Why do Christians hate butchers?

They don’t condone beating meat

How does a Butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty!!!

A man walks goes to visit his local butcher...

He asks the butcher for 5 pounds of the shop's best sausage.

The butcher walks to the back and returns a few minutes later with a package wrapped in butcher paper.

The butcher says it'll be $20.

The man pays the butcher, but upon picking up the big package he immediately reali...

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Why should you never fight a butcher?

Because they'll tare you a new asshole.

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I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

A woman goes to a butcher and says

"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean"

"No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

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A man enters a butcher's shop

The man wants to buy some spread sausage: "Good morning, can I get some from the coarse and thick one, please?"

Butcher: "I'm sorry, but she's at trade school today."

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb...

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

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My buddy who's a butcher had to fire the new guy at work today.

Me: Why?

Buddy: He kept putting his dick in the bacon-slicer.

Me: What did you do with the bacon-slicer?

Buddy: I fired her too.

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

A lady goes into a butcher shop

A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.



The butcher says "I get off at 6."



The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

I started a butchering job the other day.

My first job was to crack and pull out duck necks and to make a memorable first day I said


"You know how ducks quack? Well soon enough I'll be quacking their neck"

My Vietnamese friend told me that it was okay for me you use the English pronunciation if his name instead of butchering the Vietnamese pronunciation.

What a Nguyen-Nguyen situation!

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

Ham

There was a butcher that had a special request for the local hooker. His request to the hooker was he wanted to use his own smoked ham instead of her hand. Once he was finished, he said to her " that was probably the first hamjob you have ever done"

Terrible pun...

An elderly German couple that own a butcher shop are minding the store one day, selling all sorts of meats and sausages when in walks a man with a bird under his arm.
The shopkeeper asks the man if he can help him and the man says "Yes, I would like to trade this bird for a few of your famous s...

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

I told my son about the birds and the bees.

He told me about my wife and the butcher.

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

I went to a new butcher's today with my wife...

And the butcher propositioned me: "If you can grab all the meat off the top shelf in 10 seconds, you'll get it all for free! However if you fail, I get to spend the night with your wife!"

I looked at the meat and I thought about it for a moment then replied: "I'd like to try but I just can't....

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"*That's so sweet,*" she replies. *"I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?"* *"I'm a butcher,"* he says

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

I bought a venison steak the other day

The butcher told me that when it was alive it couldn't see. I asked him why and he replied...

"No idea"

(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher.

Her: Wow! Have you no heart?

Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

“Should I stop or do you want me to go on?”

“Go on, go on!”

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the custome...

I was chatting up this girl in a bar

She asked me what I did for a living

“I work with animals” I replied

“Oh cute, are you a vet” she asked

“No, I’m a butcher”

How do you kill a butcher?

Thrust a steak through his heart.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

An English teacher goes into a butcher shop

As the butcher puts the meat on the scale he asks the teacher "Can you tell me what the scale says?"

The English teacher says "A scale cannot say anything, a scale can be read, you would say that the scale *reads*." The butcher cant help but agree as he packs up the teachers meat and sends h...

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

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Johnny [NSFW]

A guy was watching the game. His wife storms the room and starts yelling at him how he had to go to the butcher’s to get some meat cuts.
Swearing through his teeth, the guy goes to the butcher. On the way there he hears a couple older ladies talking with a lot of grief in their voice how “Johnny...

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

I'm really going to butcher this joke...

Well, it's already in two parts.

Why didn’t the butcher cross the road?

He didn’t want to brisket

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A Dog and a Butcher

A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”.

The dog points to some steak in a glass case and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice

“Anything else” asks the butcher.
The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher ...

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At the Butchers

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asked the manager, "Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found with his dick stuck in the bacon slicer while at work.

Then the man asked, "What happened with the...

I just failed my butcher's exam.

Mis-steaks were made.

I’m a butcher and I sell dead chickens at work

They aren’t going cheep

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A man in the USSR goes shopping

He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organize a big meal.

He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies.

"Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef"

The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him ...

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