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Butcher Jokes

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

how did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

My butcher has started making sausages from seabirds....

Today he has taken a tern for the wurst.

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth that reads: "10 pork chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of 10 pork chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus schedule and sits on the bench when a bus arrives...

I was banned from my local butcher store today.

I asked which steak has the best texture and flavor. When he said "strip loin" I thought it was a command.

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...

...but the steaks were too high

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept making misteaks.

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

A butcher goes to the hospital

His wife asked the doctor how he’s doing…



The doc replied he’s taken a turn for the wurst

What’s the difference between a butcher and a pastor?

The butcher does not lie about using grinder.

They fired that butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder.

They said he was getting a little behind in his work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging.

I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.

Why did the vegan blow up the butcher shop?

She was just trying to make meats end.

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks

“What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from...

I went to the butcher today

I went to the butcher today and asked him why they only did the traditional cuts of meat.

He said there's some loins you just don't cross.

Have you heard about the guy who stopped a fight at a butcher shop?

He's a real mediator.

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

What did the butcher say about the cow that got away?

Sounds like a missed steak...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

Vegan lady and a butcher

A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

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A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra

The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.

I...

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire?

Grab your meat and beat it

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

A butcher is serving his customers...

... when a stray dog comes in and starts barking.

The butcher is about to shoo him away when one customer says, "give him few lamb chops".

The butcher agrees and puts some in front of the dog. The dog eats everything in front of him but is still hungry. He looks at the butcher and st...

Why do butchers make the best veterinarians?

They can cure a pig after it's already died.

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

I went to the butcher today,

I told the butcher I wanted funny bones. He asked What I wanted funny bones for, I tokd him for laughing soup.

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

I love being a butcher.

It makes it easy to meat people.

My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

A woman goes to a butcher and says

"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean"

"No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

My friend is a German butcher

He always tells me the wurst jokes.

A lady goes into a butcher shop

A lady goes into a butcher show and orders a 9 inch tongue.



The butcher says "I get off at 6."



The lady says "I don't get off at all. That's why I'm buying a a 9 inch tongue."

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

A butcher was selling a barrel of pork

For 600 dollars.

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you h...

(On first date): Her: What do you do? Me: I’m a butcher.

Her: Wow! Have you no heart?

Me: Are you criticizing me, or placing an order?

How do you kill a butcher?

Thrust a steak through his heart.

I'm really going to butcher this joke...

Well, it's already in two parts.

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

A guy goes to his butcher

He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:

“Should I stop or do you want me to go on?”

“Go on, go on!”

I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the custome...

My local butcher switched to using sea birds in his sausage.

It was a tern for the wurst.

Why didn’t the butcher cross the road?

He didn’t want to brisket

What did the pig say to the butcher?

I guess I’ll be sinew later...

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