UPJOKE
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I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept making misteaks.

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?

He always got a little behind with his orders

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

Man went to the butchers and asked if he had any ox tales

‘Sure’ replied the butcher ‘once upon a time an ox…’

Sorry messed up title should read ‘ox tails’ whoops

My butcher has started making sausages from seabirds....

Today he has taken a tern for the wurst.

how did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

A guy went into a butchers shop

"Breast or thigh?"

"Personality"

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his bacon slicer?

He got a little behind in his work.

I was talking to one of the butchers at my job just now

He told me, "I'm going on break, so if anyone needs anything cut..."
I cut in and said, "no dice"

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

What did the butcher say about the cow that got away?

Sounds like a missed steak...

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks

“What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from...

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...

...but the steaks were too high

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

I went to the butcher today

I went to the butcher today and asked him why they only did the traditional cuts of meat.

He said there's some loins you just don't cross.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?

Porque

A new apprentice starts work in a butcher shop.

He is tasked with serving the customers and all is well.

One day, a woman comes in and asks for a duck.

“But be sure to give me a high quality Aylesbury duck.”

The apprentice, knowing no better, picks a duck and hands it to the woman.

She examines it carefully, eyeing the...

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

What’s the similarity between a Poker player and a Butcher?

At some point, both will raise the steaks

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

A joke just for Scots.

A woman walks into a butchers in Glasgow on a cold winter day. The butcher is standing with his hands behind his back, warming them on a heater.

“Is that you’re Ayrshire bacon?” says the woman.

The butcher replies “Naw hen, ma hauns are cold.”

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging.

I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.

My neighbor failed the entrance exam for butcher's school.

He didn't make the cut.

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

An American, a Pole and an Israeli arrive at the butcher's shop

There's a notice on the door:

# Shortage today, no meat, sorry

The American: What's 'shortage' ?

The Pole: What's 'meat' ?

The Israeli: What's 'sorry' ?

I decided to slap the salami today because I was bored

Needless to say I was fired from my job at the butcher shop for forgetting to wear gloves

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

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The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....

The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”

“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”

“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut throat business

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"

The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire?

Grab your meat and beat it

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

A dog ran into a butcher shop.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your

dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would...

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

I asked the butcher if he had any tripe.

He gave me a box set of ‘Love Island’.

Did you hear the one about the Butcher's pet pig?

It didn't make the cut.

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

Vegan lady and a butcher

A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There's never a dull moment.

Two friends meet for a night out..

After they check their finances they realize that they have only 3$ left. Moe tells Joe „no worries, I have an idea but you have to trust me“. Joe agrees and follows Moe to a butcher shop where he bought a big sausage. He puts the sausage into his pants.

„Now let’s go to the bar“ Moe says and...

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

I went to the butcher's shop...

I went to the butcher's shop around the block from my house to get some ribeyes for the long weekend. I'm excited because I don't eat steak very often and these are dry aged to perfection, cut an inch and half thick and pretty much the best steaks you can get! I'm all set to leave, when I notice a ...

What do butchers and men with Onlyfans accounts have in common?

They both get paid to beat their meat.

A guy goes to the butcher.

"I want one pound of liver sausage - but from the fat and rough one!"

The butcher replies:

"I´m sorry. She is on holiday."

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

What do you call a group of butchers?

A meating.

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

A butcher was selling a barrel of pork

For 600 dollars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

I love being a butcher.

It makes it easy to meat people.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

Two Butchers were yelling at each other inside their store.

They have beef.

what do you call it when butcher suddenly quits his job?

going cold turkey

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

Why do Christians hate butchers?

They don’t condone beating meat

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.

He just wasn't meating enough people..

A woman goes to a butcher and says

"I'll take some pork chops and make them lean"

"No problem", the butcher replies. "Which way"

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. Th...

A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.

The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

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