UPJOKE
stillalsooncesoonbeennowyetfarhadthatsincebecauseevenpreviouslyago

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

White House dinner.

During a dull White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.
"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize h...

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Two teenagers are talking about their girlfriends

Rick: My babe is 18 already and has huge tits, what about yours?

Josh: She is 42 and amazing in bed, like you wouldn't believe.

Rick: 42?! She could be your mother, man!

Josh: Could be. But she's yours.

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Like Father Like Son.

A joke my dad wrote to me in one of his letters while he was in prison:





A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fas...

A bus drives up to a bus stop

Waiting at the stop are several people, and (though nobody seems to notice) a mallard.

The people all get onto the bus, and the mallard gets on too. Much to the surprise of the passengers, the conductor lets it on.

A couple of stops later, some passengers get off and a canvasback gets ...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

This year's World Cup in Qatar has already broken a world record

The World Cup with the least amount of DUI's.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

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Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

Cannibal chief: What's your job?

Victim (already in cooking pot): I'm a news editor.

Cannibal chief: Good news, you'll soon be editor-in-chief.

Airplane crashed into a cemetery.

Rescuers have already pulled 10,000 dead bodies from the wreckage and are still pulling out more...

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Signal box operative

New job


Guy goes for a job as a train signal box operative.

The examiner tests him for his thinking abilities.

"Ok. You have a train coming down the A line what do you do"?

"Simple, just give him a green go signal and the jobs done"!

"Great" says the examiner.<...

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Why does Finland have a problem increasing it's population?

Because the sex haven't even started yet and they are already Finnish

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Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

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two Inmates are caught having sex and need to be separated, who leaves the cell first?

The guy on bottom. He already has his shit packed.

You already know the punchline

What’s the worst part about time travel jokes?

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

Horse.

A young man named Billy, bought a horse from a farmer for $250...

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Billy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Billy’s house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Billy replied, "That'...

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My first joke here.

A woman goes to an expensive carpet store in hopes of purchasing a new area rug.She spots a beautiful rug after a few minutes of searching and goes to check it out.As she bends down to touch the rug she accidentally rips a silent but deadly fart.
A salesman notices her from afar and comes to assi...

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

I went to a kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting last night..

I went to grab a chair but they were already taken.

Where were you last night already?

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted t...

Help

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rul...

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Two drunks at a party..

Two guys go to a party and get **very** drunk.

They are sat at a table beside the dance floor, and one of them sets eyes on a lady on the opposite side, sat alone.

"Man, she's really beautiful, I'd like to have a dance with her." says the first guy.

"Which one?" says the second....

I’m already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!

Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks stupid

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

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Wife asked her man if he thinks about her when he is having sex with her

Of course my love, he replied. Well what do you think about when you are close to coming and I tell you not to come yet? The husband said "I already said, I think about you".

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So this guy dies and goes to heaven

So, this guy dies and goes to heaven.

He meets Saint Peter at the gates, he says, 'Yeah, we've been expecting you, sit in the waiting area."

The guy sits down, there's a waiting room with a closed door. He sits down next to someone, when he hears a drill behind the door. The guy asks t...

I've open 6 birthday cards and I'm up to $150 already.

I love working for the post office!

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Bagpiper

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends...

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not fami...

Elon Musk has only owned Twitter for one day...

and it's already ran over 2 pedestrians.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Old Man: Why? You already forgot?

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Boy the Halloween vandals and pranksters hit my neighborhood hard already. They destroyed a bunch of street signs," he tells the bartender. "They really pulled out all the stops."

Girl:Don't you think it's funny how the person you're going to marry is on this earth as of right now?

Boy:Yeah, haha. That's weird.

Girl:Don't you ever wonder what they're doing?

Boy:Nope, I already know, she's texting me

Girl::Thats sweet of you.

Boy:But she just went to bed. So I'm talking to you

A man applies for a job at the circus

“What can you do?” asks the owner

“Really good bird impressions”

“Sorry we’ve got someone who can do those already”

“Oh well” said the man sadly, as he flew out of the tent.

I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied..

"We're already open till 10 most nights. "

All of a sudden, the Marvel, DC, and Image Comics universes merged into one.

In no time at all, the superheroes joined forces and managed to capture all of the villains and throw them in prison with those special de-powering collars they used in Deadpool 2.

Imagine Magneto's frustration as he was led into a cell and locked up behind metal bars, which normally would be...

Trust an overthinker when they tell you they love you.

They’ve already thought of every reason to not love you.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

How many r/Jokes members does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. Even though It's already changed hundreds of times before.

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A really good one.

A reporter learns that the climate in Weissenbach is supposed to be so healthy that the majority of the population lives to be well over 90 and older. So she sets off there. Once there, she sees three elderly gentlemen sitting on a park bench and approaches them, saying to the first, "May I ask how ...

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

First thing that I look on a woman is the eyes

If she is not blind I already give up

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

The Saucer

TM: the man
SO: shop owner

Outside a shop, a man sees a cat drinking from a saucer. He notices that the cat is drinking from a very rare, silve saucer. He goes inside and says

TM "I'll buy that cat for 2$"

SO"Thats my cat, he's not for sale" the shop owner replies.

TM...

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a white dude with a small dick

asks his black friend "man, it's a common knowledge you folks have a big dick, how'd ya do it?"
"Nope," says the friends, "that's family secrets I can't disclose."
The white dude begs and pleas until eventually the friend yields and tells him
"Ok, that's what you do. You find a large stone ...

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

Warning: 2 professional women thieves

Guys, recently are 2 good looking women robbing people on the street, while one makes out with you, the other robs your stuff, be careful guys, i have already been robbed 6 times

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

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Fishing channel or porn channel?

A married couple are laying in bed, flipping through channels while the decide what to watch. The husband has the remote, and he is constantly flipping through the fishing channel and the porn channel. Eventually, the wife makes the decision.

"Look, you can just leave it on the porn channel,"...

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.

They start boasting about their countries.

The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"

The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"

Then the Indian say...

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

The wisest of the mad

One day, the insane plan to escape from the asylum, and the wisest of the insane simply explains the plan as follows: They break down the first, second and third doors and say we are fugitives. The madmen wake up early in the morning and break the first and second doors, but when they realize that t...

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day

while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what
he went through so he prayed.

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know
what I go through, so please allow her body to switch
with mine for a day."

God, ...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

Did you know they're gonna release the 10th Fast and Furious movie already?

It's called Fast10 your seatbelts.

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

A blonde at a job application

Interviewer: Okay before we move forward with your application. We're just gonna ask you a few simple questions.

Blonde: Okay no problem fire away!

Interviewer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Oh that's easy! 4!

Interviewer: Very good! And what's the square root of 100?

Blonde...

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Three people reach the Pearly Gate at the same time, where they are told a very simple rule right at the beginning: DO NOT STEP ON DOGS! As a punishment, ugliness or stupidity awaits you.

"That should be easy", the three think to themselves, but when they pass the gate, they see that dogs are lying around everywhere.

The first one sees a heavenly hammock in the distance and carefully tries to reach it. But after only a few steps he steps on a small dog. He reaches the hammock ...

A prudish mother visits her adult daughter

Her daughter was living in an apartment with a young man, and she did not approve of her living situation. The daughter picked up the mother from the airport, and brought her home. The mother carefully looked around the house. Two bedrooms, one clearly the daughter's, and one clearly belonging to...

I ordered coffee at a Cafe today and it's already better than dad...

Because it came with milk

A cop pulled me over and asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?'

I Said "if you already forgot, I'm not gonna tell you"

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So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the ha...

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

I tried suing the airport because they lost my luggage

My lawyer keeps saying I’ve already lost my case

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

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A shepherd was herding his flock

in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, ...

A man meets a woman in a bar

"Would you sleep with me for 1,000,000$?"

"YES!"

"How about 1$?"

"You pig, what kind of woman do you think I am????"

"We have already established that, we are now simply negotiating the price"

[ Attributed to various famous people in the past (including Winston Chu...

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I was sitting quietly in my armchair contemplating life last night. I shouts to the missus "when I die I'm going to leave everything to you love".

She shouted back "you already do ya lazy bastard"

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What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

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Brian's Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed w...

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

I did a google search for Alzheimer's...

But for some reason all the links were already purple.

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

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A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.

He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink.

This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says “excuse me, what are you doing?”<...

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Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

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What dog breed is the funniest?

Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.



Disclaimer: I am a pit owner, and I still found this funny. Please don’t inundate me with pro-pitty rebuttals, I already know.

I've always been told say no to drugs...

But I probably already said yes if I'm talking to my drugs

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

A hot girlfriend is like a job

It’s easier to get one once you already have one…

How do you anger a European?

It isn’t a colony if somebody already lives there.

Crunches

I told my girlfriend today I really needed to lose weight.

She said "You need to do crunches"

I said "I do that already! I crunch cookies, I crunch pizza. I'm about to crunch on some cheeseburgers."

Doesn't seem to be helping...

No rooms available in the city

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager,

\- “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

\- “Well, I do have a double room wi...

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They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work

Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

You Know It's Hot When ...

Cows are giving evaporated milk ...
Chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs ...
Catfish are already fried when caught ...
Jehovah Witnesses start telemarketing ...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

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A shepherd is tending to his flock when a man in a sports car pulls up.

The man is wearing a fancy suit and says, "My! What a large herd of sheep you have here! I would like to make a wager with you. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, you give me one of them."

The shepherd is intrigued and agrees.

The fancy man gets on his phone and makes...

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

I was going to make a depressed joke

But my parents already did.

My 6 year old daughter has been complaining about monsters under her bed for ages.

It seemed cute and funny at the beginning but it's been twenty minutes now, and I'm wondering if I should just crawl out already.

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

How many Mexicans?

How many Mexicans does it take to...

Holy sh\*\* they're already done.

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

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A cheating wife and her lover are in bed together

A cheating wife and her lover are in bed together one night when the woman's husband comes home early from work.

"Quick, hide under the bed" she says, panicking. No sooner had the man crawled under the bed than the husband comes walking in.

"I left early babe, couldn't wait to come h...

I must be very unlucky

every time I argue with someone on reddit it’s with someone who’s already a professional in that subject! never knew redditors were so smart

My preferred reddit username is like my preferred partner.

Both are already taken.

I was heartbroken the day OJ Simpson was acquitted…

I’d already picked out which TV I wanted…

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
<...

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

Joke of the Day:

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

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Two friends/tourists were hiking in Australia

They were camping in a trailer and agreed to explore the country on their own, but always return to the trailer at 11 pm.

One day, one friend had already reached the trailer, but the other one was nowhere to be seen. The one who arrived waited and waited and suddenly, at 4 am, his friend arr...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

I went to a subway with my wife the other day

I ordered a clubhouse sandwich, and watched as the guy behind the counter added in all the ingredients. When he got to the end, he put a little stick through the sandwich to keep it together. Then, to my surprise, he got another stick and stuck it in as well! He kept going for several minutes, until...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

Kids from this new generation are just lazy, can’t do anything for themselves, cry all the time, and expect other people to do everything for them.

My daughter is already doing this and she’s only three months old.

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

My obsession with Doris Day songs is ruining my social life.

I already lost my friends Kay, Sarah, Sarah.

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Breasts are like the sun

If you wear sunglasses you can stare at them longer.
(I don’t know if this has already been posted here before, sorry if it has)

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

What’s the difference between Influencer and Influenza?

One wants to go viral, the other is already viral…

Stalin goes to a village on a trip

He talks to the people there for a while and then leaves.

After leaving the village, Stalin can't seem to find his pipe.

"One of the villagers must have stolen it!" a KGB agent said "Don't worry Comrade Stalin, I'll find out who"

The KGB agent returns to the village.

A wh...

A blonde and her friend were watching the news

A blonde and her friend were watching the news when all of a sudden a breaking news about a man threatening to jump off a building pops up.

"Hey I'll bet you 20 bucks that he will jump" said the blonde's friend.

"You're on!" said the blonde, "the easiest 20 bucks i'll ever make!" ...

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An elephant steps on an anthill

The ants start climbing up the huge male elephant’s leg, and the elephant starts to shake its body trying to get rid of the large amount of pissed off ants.

It moves so desperately that after a while they start falling off. Finally, there is only one ant left behind the elephant’s head, as th...

Everything's Big in Texas

A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds.

Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bart...

A hacker once told me my full name and IP address

Jokes on him, I already knew both of those things

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