UPJOKE
stillalsooncesoonbeennowyetfarhadthatsincebecauseevenpreviouslyago

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

So I asked this girl girl out and she repied "I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend."

I told her: "Well, I have a math test tomorrow."

She asks "What does a math test have to do with my boyfriend?"

I replied: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought we were talking about things we could cheat on."

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

l already suspected on my drive to the Political left convention that l wouldn’t be welcome

I was right.

Can we stop with the Ruble jokes already?

We already know they're worthless.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize

A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"

Idk if someone has already told this one

I were walking during the night in a forest. Then suddenly, an wolf appeared in front of me. I told my friend, who lost his glasses: "Look, a wolf!"
"Where???" he screamed, while panicating.
"Nah, just a normal one"

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

i hope it wasnt here already

Putin asks a fairy: Where will I be in april?

The fairy answers: I see you in a limo driving through kiev, the war between Russia and Ukraine has ended, everyone is cheering.

Putin: Am I waving to them?

Fairy: No, the coffin is closed.

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

Bobs wedding

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After ...

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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Struggles of passwords

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at ...

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

I can’t believe it’s omicron season already…

I still have my delta decorations up…

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

I think we should stop making jokes about fat people

They obviously have enough on their plate already

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

An already drunk man walks into a bar,

shouting "happy new year, everybody."
The bartender answers "its easter already, you moron."
The man becomes pale and mumbles "oh no, i am gonna be in real trouble with my wife, when i get home..."

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Why does Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Sand trap

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted ...

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

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A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

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Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

Well, guys, I already failed NNN.

I ate some almonds today.

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

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A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel, which he often goes to. Unfortunately, he’s already had all the good looking ladies there, some even several times. So, he asks the man at the lobby, whether there is a woman, he has not had the pleasure with, whom he could have a really good night with.

The man says ...

Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

He was already stuffed.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and then gave you another one, how many would you ...

Guys, I've already failed No Nut November

I'm eating my reese's as we speak

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Why is Golf called golf?

Because fuck was already taken.

(Sorry if Tha Joke was already taken) An American and a Soviet Russian...

Were Talking About Their Countries Freedom of Freedom and Rights , The American said : "Mr Kutznesova , in the Usa i can go right into the White House and say to President Ronald Reagan that he's way to Manage the Country isnt Right for Me " . The Russian Guy replied : " Mr Smith , i can also go to ...

A group of Arab businessmen were gathering for a meeting ...

As they all filed in to take their seats, there was a round of semi-formal greetings exchanged, with many courteously bowed heads.

One attendee rushed in slightly late and sat down, and, unsure of what had already happened, leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "Has the meeting started y...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

Man goes for an interview and there are two others already there when he arrives.

First guy gets called in and the interviewer says “tell me something you notice about me”. He replies “uh, you haven’t got any ears”. GET OUT!! the interviewer screams. NEXT!

Next guy goes in and the question is repeated: “tell me something you notice about me”. He also replies “uh, you haven...

Husband and wife walk home silently after a strong argument.

Suddnely, they see two pigs on the side of the road.

Husband just asks: Hey, I think I've seen them already, aren't they your relatives?

The wife answes: Yes, you are correct. My parents-in-law.

If you're looking for men to date, don't go to bars,

Go to Home Depot. It's 90% men, and they are already looking for projects to work on.

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife lose interest in having...

Sex. The doctor gives him a flask and warned: "Put only 5 drops in her drink, but no more than 5 understand? Its very strong". In the night, before the wife come home from work, the man make dinner and a couple drinks. He put the 5 drops on her glass but then he thinks: "Was too long since the last ...

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

Why did the sun not go to college?

Because it already has a million degrees

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

Three friends, Bob, John and joe are sitting at a bar

Bob takes a sip of his beer, sets it down and asks his buddies

“What do y’all think the fastest thing in the world is?”

Joe thinks for a minute, sips his beer and says

“I think light is the fastest thing in the world. I heard that it’s the universal speed limit or somethin…”
...

I was going to make a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

A group of cows

A group of cows are enjoying drinks and chewing the cud at a local bar.

A horse walks through the door and looks around, seeming a little out of place.

One of the cows, who had already had a few too many, calls out, “Hey fella, why the lo-“

But the bartender cuts him off.
...

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This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

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Pastor Jim was coming home late one night, when he found the whole village having a party at the local pub

He decides to check it out. He walks in to find all the men naked, and all the women blindfolded.

"What in the name of the lord is happening here?", he asks in shock.

"Come on in, pastor Jim, we're playing a game" says one of the drunken men.

"What kind of games is this?" inquir...

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. The girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “Th...

It is May 2022 and a Russian army is marching through Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish tank is better than 10 Russian tanks!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends 10 T-14 Armata, the most powerful tanks of the Russian military on the hill to capture it. There is the sound of battle for a mi...

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

Americans are bad at clash royale..

They lost 2 towers already smh.

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

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Lil Maria

Maria is a happy first grader. She's also the only blonde girl in her class. Everyday she gets home and tells her mom about school.

"Mama, today we learned numbers and i could already count to three when noone else could! 1..2..3! Is that cuz im blonde?" " Yes sweetie, that's cuz youre blonde...

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

I finally get it. My life has been forever changed. I already know the answers because...

I've Reddit.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

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"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me already!" she screamed.

She could yell all she wanted but i was keeping the umbrella.

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

I set my Reddit so that it would automatically hide posts I've already opened.

It doesn't seem to work on this subreddit though.

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We’re out of broccoli

A man sends his wife to the store for groceries. He says to the wife “ while you’re out, pick up some broccoli”. She heads to her local supermarket in search of broccoli.

When she gets there she asks the first employee she sees “excuse me sir, where do you keep the broccoli?”

He sa...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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My wife told me that if I didn't go golfing today, she'd do anal.

I had already put on my polo and khakis, butt fuck it.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

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Pants

A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants."

The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already."

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One evening, I was laying in the bed with my wife, she looked a little bit sleepy already.

Thinking, it could bring some spice to our intimate life and light up the evening, I said: "Let's play doctor".

She agreed.

Bitch. She wrote me for September saying, her schedule is unfortunately already full.

So I started buying animals to do math for me

I already have a dog, he doesn't count though

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

A guy walks into a...no, wait...he was already there... - - Anyway he says to his friend

"I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you do that too?"...and his friend said "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

A man woke up sobbing

"The world is a cruel uncaring void!" he cried. "Pleasure is fleeting but pain is eternal! Hope is a mirage! What cruel God made this reality!?"

Next to him, his wife stirred.

"Oh honey...is it Monday already...?"

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That one was a violation!

Him: Hey, girl ... I want to get into your pants!

(\*looks at his friends thinking he has done something great\*)

Her: Sorry I already have one asshole in my pants

(\*PS: plz don't hate me ... I do not have a good sense of humour \*)

A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice

and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

Husband and wife are out shopping

.
Wife: Honey, look what nice shoes I found! I just forgot my wallet ...
The husband is reaching for his, the wife is already happy.
- How many are these shoes? - he asks.
- 700.
The husband gives her 50 zlotys and says:
- Then take a cab and get your wallet.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms...

A lady gets into a taxi with a lapdog in her arms, whispers an address to the driver, and off they go...

The taxi driver sees something in the rear-view mirror that startles him.
"Ma'am, something's wrong with your puppy, isn't it?", to which the lady replies.
"It doesn't have l...

"What you're looking for is already inside you"

- I said to myself while raiding the fridge at midnight...

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

This Lady had a show dog,

It was a purebred Schnauzer from a champion blood line. All of her time and money went into taking care of this dog. The only problem, she always gets second place. Every dog show, second place.
Well, she’s at the Westminster dog show, the biggest in the world and again, she gets second place!...

Earth Day

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what are you doing to celebrate Earth Day?" the bartender asks. "Oh, already done," the guy replies. "I sent all my work related e-mails to my recycling bin."

China is already welcoming Biden

China is already welcoming Biden.

They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.

"FOR BIDEN CITY!"

A blonde and a brunette are watching the evening news...

When a story comes on with a video of a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The brunette says, "I'll bet you $20 he jumps." The blonde replies, "I'll take that action!"

After watching for 5 minutes or so the man jumps from the bridge and the blonde reluctantly gives $20 to the brune...

My son asked me, "Dad, what does the Z stand for on Russian tanks?"

"Well son", I said, "You've heard of Plan A and when that fails, you go to a Plan B?"

"They're on Plan Z already."

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

An old man goes fishing

An old man is fishing at a lake when a frog approaches him.

The frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and fall in love with you."

The man is amazed. He pick up the frog, stuffs him in his pocket and heads for home.

On the drive, the frog starts squirming ...

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

Why do the Russians paint Z on everything?

Why do the Russians paint Z on everything?
Because the swastika was already taken.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

A drunk rings the doorbell at dawn

The owner of the house gets up and through the window asks:

- What do you want? Where are you?
- Hello, I know it's late - shouts the drunk - but I need someone to push me, and your house is the only one in this region. You need to push me!

Crazy as hell, the newly awake replies: ...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

And old man visits a priest

An older man was riding his moped in a snowstorm to visit a priest to tell him that his 12th child had been born that day. Since the man was old and had a bit of trouble hearing, he thought ahead to what the priest would say so he could answer him.

”First he’ll say hello and then he’ll proba...

A tourist sees a man holding a blank piece of paper in Red Square, Moscow

Confused, he asks the man what he's doing.

The man says "I'm protesting"

"How is anyone supposed to know what you're protesting with that blank sign?" Asks the tourist.

The man scoffs "Ignorant tourists! Why would I need to put that? Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
...

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

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A store announces that from 8:00 to 9:30 am they'll only be attending senior customers and offering discounts

By 7:30 there was already a big line of grandpas and grandmas waiting outside. Suddenly a nice car pulls up, a young man gets out and proceeds to cut in front of everyone. He gets immediately smacked in the head with a cane by an old lady. He brushes it off and keeps going. This time a lot of canes ...

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

With Phillip gone, the UK is already making plans for when the Queen passes as well.

They'll toss a soldier off the cliffs of Dover and she'll return at full strength.

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his missus wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week, when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see him. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand and a camp fire burning.

One ...

It's closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in...

"No free booze!" says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick." says the homeless man.

The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.

"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. ...

An elderly gentleman with severe hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month, he goes back for a checkup.  The doctor asks him how things are going now
that he can hear everything, and wonders if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet.  I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I'...

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Sometimes I tell people something and.they already knew what I was talking about so tell me “if I had a dime every time I heard that “

Dude that would be a weird fucking way to make some money.

Woman at bar

A man walks up to an attractive woman sitting at the bar and strikes up a conversation. After a while chatting he asks the woman if she would consider sleeping with him for a million dollars. The woman without missing a beat says absolutely. The man then asks if she would sleep with him for a hundre...

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."...

What do you call the situation where you’ve already applied lube, but still can’t put it in?

Lubri-cant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

r/place feels like a game of battlefield 2042

I'm surrounded by bots because all the humans already left a while ago.

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

Why do people keep posting the same joke on here?

Because they’re hoping people haven’t Reddit already.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

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