UPJOKE
stillalsooncesoonbeennowyetfarhadthatsincebecauseevenpreviouslyago

Already Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

You already know the punchline

What’s the worst part about time travel jokes?

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

I’m already going 75 mph in a 35 zone, stop tailgating me!

Also the blinking lights on top of your car looks stupid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired

Now more of their users are getting off than ever.

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

Where were you last night already?

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted t...

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

Day 1 at the gym and I already lost 3 pounds!

Now it's time to get off the toilet and start my workout.

Can we stop with the Ruble jokes already?

We already know they're worthless.

My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?

I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

only 3 days into 2023 and I can already tell

It's going to be an odd year

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks up to a soda machine, but a blonde is already there.

He waits as she puts in her quarters, presses the button and collects the drink. Instead of leaving, she puts more money, hits the button, and collects another drink.

This goes on for a couple of minutes, and finally the guy taps her on the shoulder and says “excuse me, what are you doing?”<...

People who do fossil hunting already have an unfair advantage

The fossils are already dead

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

China is already welcoming Biden

China is already welcoming Biden.

They have even named a central landmark in Beijing for Biden.

"FOR BIDEN CITY!"

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week

I told him because it's only Wednesday

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

i hope it wasnt here already

Putin asks a fairy: Where will I be in april?

The fairy answers: I see you in a limo driving through kiev, the war between Russia and Ukraine has ended, everyone is cheering.

Putin: Am I waving to them?

Fairy: No, the coffin is closed.

I just came across a Taxed Enough Already party rally earlier today

Fortunately, it was hardly an inconvenience. I just drove right past the protesters because they all refused to use the public roads

You know that prison joke where all the inmates know all the jokes already?

r/jokes is the prison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

Did you know they're gonna release the 10th Fast and Furious movie already?

It's called Fast10 your seatbelts.

What do you give a girl who already has everything?

Antibiotics

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

I can’t believe it’s omicron season already

I still have my delta decorations up.

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock...

Don't let it replace your family.

An already drunk man walks into a bar,

shouting "happy new year, everybody."
The bartender answers "its easter already, you moron."
The man becomes pale and mumbles "oh no, i am gonna be in real trouble with my wife, when i get home..."

I ordered coffee at a Cafe today and it's already better than dad...

Because it came with milk

Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize

A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"

I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong.

Now I stand corrected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

"What you're looking for is already inside you"

- I said to myself while raiding the fridge at midnight...

So I asked this girl girl out and she repied "I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend."

I told her: "Well, I have a math test tomorrow."

She asks "What does a math test have to do with my boyfriend?"

I replied: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought we were talking about things we could cheat on."

Dead already.

Apparently Freddy Kruger only preys on teenagers because by the time you turn twenty all your hopes and dreams are already dead.

My wife said to come out of the closet already...

I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.

(Sorry if Tha Joke was already taken) An American and a Soviet Russian...

Were Talking About Their Countries Freedom of Freedom and Rights , The American said : "Mr Kutznesova , in the Usa i can go right into the White House and say to President Ronald Reagan that he's way to Manage the Country isnt Right for Me " . The Russian Guy replied : " Mr Smith , i can also go to ...

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

l already suspected on my drive to the Political left convention that l wouldn’t be welcome

I was right.

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud" <...

Trandlated a joke, hopefully nobody told it already

Johnny is walking around with his grandma.
He finds candy on the ground, he wants to pick it up, but his grandma tells him:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
They continue walking and Johnny finds 1$, but his grandma tells him again:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
Then his gra...

I can’t believe it’s already October 35th

I am NOT looking forward to No Nut November

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....

Man goes for an interview and there are two others already there when he arrives.

First guy gets called in and the interviewer says “tell me something you notice about me”. He replies “uh, you haven’t got any ears”. GET OUT!! the interviewer screams. NEXT!

Next guy goes in and the question is repeated: “tell me something you notice about me”. He also replies “uh, you haven...

The wife's weight gain, through overeating and laziness, had become the final straw in an already strained relationship and I decided I would just have to kill her.

I hid in the kitchen, knowing it wouldn't be long before she turned up looking to raid the fridge. And sure enough, she soon came waddling in.

I leapt out from behind a cupboard, arm raised, brandishing a huge knife..


"OH MY GOD!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Are we havi...

-Why are you here already?

-Well, I couldn't sleep, so I went for a drive.

-I see. How did that work out for you?

-Well, Saint Peter, it worked.

I set my Reddit so that it would automatically hide posts I've already opened.

It doesn't seem to work on this subreddit though.

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

I already got vaccinated with the Russian COVID-19 vaccine

And I can təll you not to woяяy! I still doи't seə anч sidə efectoski secundarioski и меня зовут Лопес Обрадор, и я коррумпирован и лжец и почему я даю чистые прямые награды

I'm already looking forward to 2021.

Then hindsight will actually be 2020 for a whole year...

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.

Gonorrhea

For those of you that don't already know, I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was a large spring onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring.

Pretty sure I asked for help regarding this already, but

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

Just finished the dishes and there are already more

It a dishes cycle.

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

Seriously guys, every 'yo momma' joke has already been done thousands of times by thousands of people..

just like yo momma!

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

It was already foretold by AC/DC

Huawei to Hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

It's Pancake Tuesday already...

Really creped up on me.

Kamala’s Hair is already more accomplished than Mike Pence.

It’s proven that straightening programs work

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

I’m already retired at 23!

I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired today.

I’m already sick of hearing about Corona Virus

I would trade 2% of the earth’s population right now to never hear about it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

Lifting weights has really changed my life. Dropped 25 pounds already.

Right on my big toe. It's broken now I can hardly walk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

What do you call the news you’ve already read?

The knews.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One evening, I was laying in the bed with my wife, she looked a little bit sleepy already.

Thinking, it could bring some spice to our intimate life and light up the evening, I said: "Let's play doctor".

She agreed.

Bitch. She wrote me for September saying, her schedule is unfortunately already full.

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team

You're out of Luck.

If someone has already submitted a joke about defensive swordsmanship...

...sorry for the riposte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.

December 31st.

Why hasn't the zombie apocalypse happened already?

Someone's really been dragging their feet on that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy traveling through a small town walks into the only bar. There’s one other patron in the entire place, already drunk. The drunk man stumbles over, wraps an arm around the traveler’s shoulder and begins to talk:

“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No...” He downs a shot of whiskey.
“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No...” He downs another shot of whiskey.
“Did you see those storef...

Here's a list of jokes I came up with, sorry if they've already been made

\- I would make a divorce joke, but I can't commit to it.
\- I would make a sticker joke, but it'd probably wear off.
\- I would make a rocket joke, but I'm not sure if it would land.
\- I would make a yoga joke, but that's a bit of a stretch.
\- I would make a joke about philoso...

If you already know what happens next year, do you have

2020 vision?

this harambe joke is getting too long already...

...can't someone just kill it?

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.