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Win Jokes

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?

Everyone watching

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the Playstation.

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Hey, you wanna win?

Nah, we'll pass.

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

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Why does Africa never win the Olympics?

Because it's a continent, dumbass.

I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

If I win tonight's Powerball, I'm sharing with everyone on Reddit.

I'm not sharing the money. I'll just let you know I won.

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"If you win the lottery,

the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.







"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.






...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Winning the lottery

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery,
would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would! I'd miss you, but I'd
still love you."

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Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Why did One Two Three cat win a race with Un Deux Trois cat across a river?

Because quatre cinq

What do cubs fans do after they win the world series?

They turn off their Xbox.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

Why did the monkey win the reading contest?

He had the best tail!

(My 7yo daughter came up with this one at breakfast by herself, her first full joke! Didn''t see it in a Google search, figured I'd drop it here for fun. We're now discussing ways to improve it... maybe it would be a writing contest or storytelling contest?)

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

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My girlfriend took of her shirt and bra during an argument where i was winning...

It was a booby trap!

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month?

He was outstanding in his field

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Mankind

If Hillary wins, I'm moving to...

Benghazi. At least I know there, she'll leave me alone

An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...

What does an American say when he wins at chess?

Checkbuddy

If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.

After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.

I entered ten puns in a local joke contest in the hopes that one would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

I don’t win Marathons because I’m lucky



I win because I’m driven.

this is how to win a woman's heart



Me:

# Are you looking for a stud, because i already got the "STD"and all i need is "u".

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

How did Trump win?

"Hillary Clinton" and "Donald Trump" go into a bakery.

Hillary Clinton steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald Trump "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

Donald Trump: "Th...

/r/Jokes/ wins Friend of the Planet award!

for 95% recycled content.

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

Who wins

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get...

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I was lucky enough to win a couple of coupons for some cool bowling balls with number jokes printed on them.

I won two, three for five, sick "seven ate nine" ten pin bowling balls.

Or in other words I... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...pin bowling balls.

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

You can't win an argument with a chicken.

It's logic is impeccable.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

What did the man do when he had the opportunity to win a free hot dog?

He relished it.

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

How do you celebrate winning a lawsuit over a fake injury?

You drink sham-pain.

What do you win at a Mongolian slot machine?

Yakpot.

If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!

1981:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2005:

1. A British prince gets married

2. Liverpool wins the Champions League

3. The Pope dies

2018:

1. A British prince gets married

2...

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

I was walking in the Bronx when a black guy stopped me and said, “Hey man, did the Yankees win?”

I said, “Yes, Of course. The South is still fighting over confederate statues though.”

Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

I’m not circumcised so I only date Canadian Women…

They know how to Roll Up The Rim To Win.

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A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am ...

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

Johnny repeatedly said he was gonna win the defamation case

Which proves that Amber Heard, but didn’t listen

A Jewish couple win the lottery...

The wife asks “Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?

Isaac says “We keep sending them!”

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Winning the lottery

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t...

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

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A man prays to win the lottery

A down on his luck man is praying to his god.
"Dear God" he says "I've fallen on hard times, I'm having money trouble and my wife is going to leave me. Please help me win the lottery so I can solve my problems"

Suddenly his god appears in front of the man and says "I have heard your prayer...

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

How do amputees win video games?

Single-handedly

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No one will ever win the battle of the sexes;

there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

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So two dwarves win the lottery to celebrate they decide to get two hockers

They both go into a hotel room, they get a room side-by-side. One dwarf goes into one, the other goes into the other.

First dwarf sits on the bed and thinks, 'I think can't do it' and decides to kick her out. He sits on the bed and all night he hears from the other room is 'eh eh eh'. He fina...

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Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. ...

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Lottery win!

A woman is at home when her husband suddenly bursts in excitedly through the front doors and says "Get ready to pack your bags honey... I just won big in the lottery"!
"Oh my God" she exclaims..."should I pack for warm weather or cold weather"?
"I don't know" he says "just get the fuck out"!

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery...

I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Why does the toilet paper keep winning?

Because it’s on a roll

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

When I win the lottery I'm going to buy a race horse.

I'll name it "My Face" so when it's behind everyone will be screaming "Come on My Face!".

After winning Wimbledon, Carlos Alcaraz came home to see that someone stole all his cars.

He will be known as Los Alaz from now on.

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

What bet you cannot win?

Alphabet.

Congratulations to Donald J. Trump for winning

the silver medal in the 2020 U.S. Presidential race!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said...

Did I win?

My wife and I got into a huge argument. But in the end, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.
Wife: Come out from under that bed you coward!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Winning the lottery.

My friend Bob won a million dollars the other day so I asked him what will he do with his winnings?

Bob said "Probably pay off my credit card debt".

I said what about the rest of it?

Bob says "well I suppose it'll get paid off eventually".

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Why don't porn movies win Oscars?

Because the plots are full of holes.

So who's winning?

Two men talking at the bar:

\- So, whats new?

\- NATO is at war with Russia

\- Oh, so how it's going?

\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Saturday and Sunday win the body-building competition?

Because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are week days.

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

Why can't Kevin Spacey win at blackjack (despite his role in "21")?

He keeps hitting on 17.

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

What did the person who invented knock-knock jokes win?

A no-bell prize!

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

A man wins a horse race

A man won a horse race after the other horse dropped dead before reaching the finish line.

However, the winner had a hard time enjoying his victory, because it’s no fun beating a dead horse!

Do you win many races?

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

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