Why did the paintbrush win the lottery?

Just a stroke of good luck I suppose.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

Why didn't Michael Jackson win the 100m race?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

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There was man who prayed every day to win the lottery

All he asked during his prayers was " god please please i want to win the lottery, lord help me"

One day god got really pissed off and replied " for fucks sake, go buy a ticket"

Guys, EA isn’t pay to win.

It’s pay to play

A carcinogen wins an award

for most deaths caused in a year. When asked what his secret is he replies, “honestly, I just tried asbestos I could.”

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

Two submarines are trying to win a competition

Each one of them has to try and hit objects that are smaller and smaller in size.

Every day they choose an object in the ocean, and declare that the objective before trying to hit it:

*"Today we'll hit that sunken ship"* and off they go.

Then it's the other team's turn: ...

Can conspiracy theorists win a Nobel Prize?

They already have a Theory of Everything.

What award did Joaquin Phoenix win for his weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker"?

Atrophy

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

Why does Mike Wazowski win every race?

Because he’s always a-head.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

I entered ten puns in a local joke contest in the hopes that one would win

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

Sunday and Monday are in a fight. Who wins?

Sunday. Monday is a weekday.

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Why does Mexico never win gold in the Olympics?

Because the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in America

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

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Please let me win the lotto

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I...

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

Many people hoped to win a Nobel prize this year

But just one of them was Goodenough.

I had a friend win a brand new Tesla at a radio promotion

It was free of charge...

Why did the socialist win the race?

He was the quickest on his Marx.

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

Why don’t strings ever win a race against each other?

They always tie.

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery...

... and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

I was in my hotel lobby, and I heard two chess Masters bragging about past wins.

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

( Credit to Thomas Sanders, this made me laugh, I thought other people should see it. )

What do you call it when a cat wins a prize at a dog competition

A cat-has-trophy

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

A man with heart problems wins 100 million dollars

A group of his friends are the only people who know about this and they debate how they should tell him, considering that due to his condition such a sudden news might cause his heart to stop because of joy.
So they decide that the most calm person in the group would go tell him.

The frien...

How do you win 1 million dollars at the casino?

Start with 5 billion.

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

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Winning the lottery

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste...

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called...

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A man walks into a bar. A sign above the bar says “Complete the challenge, win $500.”

Curious, he asks the bartender about the sign. The bartender says, “It’s simple, drink that bottle of habañero vodka, go out back and extract a bad tooth from an angry alligator and then go upstairs and give an orgasm to a woman who’s never had one.”

The man thinks about and decides he has be...

Why can't you win an argument with a comedian?

They always get the last laugh.

A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.”

Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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"If we win the jackpot I'll get a boob job", the wife said

-"If we win the jackpot I'll get new tires for the car", the husband answered

-"What's the point of wasting so much effort on the old car when you can get a new one?"

-"Exactly"

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his pl...

What happens when you win a lawsuit against Planet Fitness?

Heads explode because you've just won a judgement against the judgement free zone.

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as...

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

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I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

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Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

I didn't believe my wife would win at poker

Then I saw her ace

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Why do people with a foot fetish never win?

Because they love the taste of defeat.

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

An American went to Ireland to play golf...

So anyway, the American went down to the local club in Killarney and asked around for a playing partner. “I’d be fairly good now so I’d need someone with experience”. “Ah, Micilín is your man” he was told. So he agreed with Micilín to play him for a few quid the next morning at 9. However, Micilín d...

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on...

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak cooked?” Me: “ Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is.”

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A Brand New Car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket to win a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a bran...

What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

Why did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut!

I went to the greyhound track for the first time yesterday.

My bus didn't win though.

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

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Betting and winning

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She repl...

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

Two men are walking through the woods together and they come across an insanely huge hole in the ground.

The first man picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole. The rock vanishes from sight, and neither guy could hear the rock hit the bottom.

The second man decides to throw a huge log into the hole. After a few seconds pass, again there was no sound.

Both men, wanting to know how dee...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

A boy calls 911…

A boy calls 911.

Boy: Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning!

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So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love ...

My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

So the guy takes the blind date to a carnival

"What do you want to do first?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she replies, so he takes her to the "guess your weight" booth. She wins a teddy bear, but doesn't seem very pleased.

"What do you want to do now?" he asks.

"I wanna get **weighed**!!" she says.

"But ...

We've never seen an actual ninja win American Ninja Warrior.

But that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

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A man goes to a Mexican resturant after winning big in Vegas.

He decides he is going to order the most expensive item on the menu. When the plate is brought to him he asks what it is. The waiter responds with "Its the bull balls from the bullfight thats held every week. Whenever the bull loses we chop his balls off and serve them as a delicacy." The man is ske...

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The Old Man with the IRS

The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”
...

There was a man, and he loved tractors.

He'd ride tractors, own 10's of tractors, read about tractors, they were his life. One day however, his wife got fed up with his obsession and left him over it.

He decides to kick his obsession to win his wife back, so over the course of a few months, he succeeds. He calls up his wife and say...

An elderly woman wins the lottery

Edith, 95 years old, a holocaust servivor, one day scoops big on a $250m jackpot.
She is asked on to her local radio station for an interview. She brings along her best friend Betty who was with her in a concentration camp.

When asked by the host what she is going to do with her winnings. ...

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

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