Qualify Jokes

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<... read more

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

... Go for the Darwin Award!

By oral examination.

It cost me an arm and a leg, but it works

They couldn't get his bonepart

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin... read more

Yes, it’s an old one, Bush was president when I first heard it and I’m keeping it that way.

President Bush visits a primary school and joins a class in a history lesson, when the teacher just asked: “Can somebody tell me what a tragedy is?”

A boy raises his hand and says: “When a bus ... read more

A man walks into a bar. He says ow.Thank you.

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality... read more

I was really surprised to see Canada qualify for the world cup this year, but it's trudeau...

Only problem is, I've been told I don't qualify.

As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies har... read more

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ... read more

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you fo... read more

The HR Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."


Mujibar: "I am ready."

Manager: "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager... read more

So I heard there was a Bi-athlon event, how many men and women do I need to sleep with to qualify?

...does that qualify her for a Darwin award?

Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

Son: Aw. Don't be. They always cheer me up and that's what matters.

Dad: Well there was a pun competition recently. I submitted ten of my best puns to try and qualify. The results were so disappointing.

Son: I'm proud of you no matter what. But I'm curious. How many made it?

D... read more

Now that Uber doesn't have a CEO, COO, CFO or CTO, they may finally qualify as a self-driving car company.