Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

Why did Lizzie Borden accomplish so much?

Because she was so good at life hacks!

Most people don't know Matt Gatez is actually quite an accomplished pianist.

Most of his pieces are in A minor.

My mom told me I’d never accomplish anything because I’m such a procrastinator

So I said “Just wait!”

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.

It’s true...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

Three vampires are in a cabin in the woods...

The three vampires are sitting together in a cabin talking about their accomplishments as vampires.
Soon, they start to brag who's the best vampire. Then they suggest a competition: who can suck the most blood in the least time.

The first one leaves and returns after an hour, his lips ...

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Three pilots were stranded on an island with inhabited by an untouched tribe.

The chief of the tribe told them that he would spare their lives if they manage to accomplish two tasks he will give them. Should they fail, they will be executed immediately. The first task was to bring him 5 of the same fruit from the forest, the second task would be told after they succeed.
...

Why can’t horse committees accomplish anything?

They always vote “Neigh”.

EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000

Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

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As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

In Greek mythology, Chiron is half horse, half man, as well as an accomplished healer....

This makes him the Centaur for Disease Control.

Kamala’s Hair is already more accomplished than Mike Pence.

It’s proven that straightening programs work

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

what has four letters, is a vegetable if you take away the last, an organ if you take away the first, and gives you a sense of pride and accomplishment if you take away both

pear

My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.

Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.

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What did the boston marathon bombers accomplish that hitler could not?

They ended a race...

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Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...

He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.

Disney forgot Gaston's greatest accomplishment

He was a winner of the no belle prize.

Q: How many members of a cultural, religious or social outgroup does it take to accomplish a routine task?

A: An arbitrary number: One or more to actually perform the task, and the remainder to behave in an absurd fashion consistent with perceived humorous stereotypes!

I would make a joke about the government right now

But it probably wouldn’t accomplish anything

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A Russian Jew decides to emigrate to Israel

At Moscow airport the customs officials stop him when they find a statue of Lenin in his luggage and ask what it is.

He replies, "I think you meant "Who is this?" This my friend, is Comrade Lenin, who laid the foundations of socialism and allowed Russia to prosper. I take a statue of him wit...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

Male birth control can be accomplished by putting a common aspirin in your shoe.

It makes you limp.







edit; forgot an "s".

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

NASA Scientists were eagerly waiting for the rover to send back the first sounds from Mars.

A program decades in the making, a feat of engineering never before accomplished. Not only did they include high resolution cameras for the landing, but incredibly robust microphones to capture the first sounds from an alien planet.

The team of people were huddled around a lab station for hou...

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.



The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer.

...

Did you hear about the guy who didn't accomplish anything in his life?

Neither did I.

The EA community team has now provided a feeling of pride and accomplishment to about 520,000 gamers...

By allowing us to Downvote them into Reddit hall of shame

I hate when people ride one accomplishment for their whole life and brag about it all the time

Like seriously, I don’t care if you went to the freaking Moon. Do something else with your life Buzz

Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments

Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

This is the award I got for 10 years at Electronic Arts - My biggest accomplishment

A sense of pride and accomplishment.

If Trump wins the election, Cher says she'll leave. I like Cher and all, but I think that may be Trump's first big accomplishment.

That'll probably double the amount of plastic we export next year.

I'll never forget the moment when NASA accomplished every child's dream

...by blowing up a school teacher.

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of...

I'm sick and tired of those who say Hillary has no great accomplishments....

I would say staying out of prison for the crimes she committed in the last four decades is a great accomplishment.

What was the last thing Beethoven accomplished?

Decomposing

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

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My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc.

I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes.

I then saw myself out.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

My husband believes my greatest accomplishment...

is his last name.

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

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Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole.

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her h...

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

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One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing t...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

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Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

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Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversat...

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him

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I translated this joke into English from my native language

Woman goes to the witch and asks what will she accomplish in her life the witch says: “You will cause death of 60 million people,, Woman runs through whole city and when she gets to her house she sees a small boy sitting in the middle of the road and big truck coming towards him she grabs him takes ...

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

Two Hardworking Irishmen

Two Irishmen were working hard one day. One man
was digging these foot deep holes and the second man would follow him and fill the hole with dirt.

One bystander saw the two and was very confused on what they were trying to accomplish so he decided to ask. “Excuse me sirs” says the civili...

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

Last night while shopping at the local MegaLoMart

we bought 2 dozen eggs. The cashier put both in the same bag. Of course, I responded "Please put those is separate bags. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket." My wife, son and the cashier all gave me the eye roll. Mission accomplished.

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

A con man is arrested for conning several women out of their jewelry.

The sheriff's prison is full and doesn't have the budget to hold him anywhere else so that weekend he ties the man to a pole and creates two lines. In one line citizens pay a dollar to punch him in the face, in the other they pay five dollars to kick him in the balls. 
On the final day one guy pa...

Why is the SBA so slow at processing EIDL loans?

You try working in the dark and see how much you get accomplished.

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen...

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

A very rich American gentleman...

A very rich American gentleman was walking along minding his own business, briefcase in hand. He wore glasses, a suit, and a well-trimmed beard.

Suddenly, a shorter, poorly dressed man appeared in his path. He desperately needed a shave and his eyes seemed to bug out.

"Sir! May I ple...

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A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

A guy walks into a bar...

Which in itself is an accomplishment as he is totally armless. He orders a drink, and when served, asks the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. He then asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender does it and comments that ...

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

St. Peter decides he wants a day off from the Pearly Gates, so he asks Jesus to fill in for him.

“Your job is simple,” says St. Peter. “Whenever someone approaches the gates, you ask them about their accomplishments in life. If their answer satisfies you, you let them in to Heaven. If not, they get sent to Hell.” Jesus thinks this sounds simple enough, and he agrees.

Before too long, a m...

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Bancroft was an unimpressive man

he had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a kni...

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

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A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"N...

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire al...

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

"Your days are numbered!"

# "Your days are numbered!"



Inventor of the calendar, joyously announcing his accomplishment!

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