Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

How do you tie two Hondas together?

...with Accord

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What do you call a sailor who likes to get tied up and gagged during sex?

A submarine

What did the tie say to the hat?

I'll hang here, and you go on ahead.

What do you call a fish wearing a tie?

So-FISH-ticated

;)

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Pence made sure he was well dressed for the debate. His tie was adjusted, his collar was fixed, his buttons were buttoned, and most importantly...

His fly wasn't down

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes?

They were knot funny.

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

Very thin tie

A guy was stopped at the door of the club by the doorman.
Sorry no tie, you can’t come in, says the doorman.
The guy ran back to his car, got a set of jump leads, wrapped them round his neck and retuned to the club.
I’ve got a tie on now, so can I go in? He asks the doorman.
Ok, he says,...

Why were oxygen, hydrogen and carbon wearing suites and ties?

Because they are formyl group.

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

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After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...<...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose.

I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang

I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers.

She didn't remember.

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

How does Cthulhu wear a tie?

With an Eldritch knot.

Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks?

Because he wanted tequila!

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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A young sheep, out to pasture, is suddenly cornered by a farmer and tied up.

The young sheep faints of fright, and when he awakens immediately runs back to his flock.

Bleating wildly, he exclaims “how could the farmer do this to me!”

A wise elder sheep says, “calm down, son. What happened?”

The young sheep, still hysterical, cries “i was the most beau...

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in Wales?

A Entertainment Center.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

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My new party trick...

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

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I learned to tie rope on the toilet

I shit you knot

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

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An old man and old woman...

...are living in a nursing home. They are both 90 and neither have been married before. They decide to tie the knot so they can comfort each other in their final years. The woman hides her heart condition from her suitor because she is afraid it may cause him to reconsider.

On their wedding ...

It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card.

But when I arrived, I saw people wearing suits too.

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

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"Tie me up."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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A man has a parrot that likes to swear.

One night, a girl he's been dating for a while, is coming over to his place. So he grabs the parrot by the neck and tells him

"Listen you little shit, no swearing tonight, alright!? Also I will tie two string on your legs, and when the girl pull one of them I want you to come up with a compl...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

How do you get an Italian to stop speaking ?

Tie up their hands.

So two men walk into a tie shop

The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"


The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie

What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?

A bearer of bad noose.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator

He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”



“Yes sir, we do.”



“Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

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A Blonde and her dog...

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it...

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together?

"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"

A guy has to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he forgot his tie so he used jumper cables.

The maître d' says

"I'll let ya in, but don't start anything."

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

There are some things you just can’t explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was si...

And the best neckwear award goes to....

Oh wait!!! It's a tie.

Two cowboys are riding along on their horses.

They soon get tired, and are miles away from home after getting lost. They find a near by tree, tie up their horses, and sleep, completely forgetting they have no food and little water.

The next morning they are famished, finally realizing they have no food. On says to the other, “We can kill...

A man attempts to enter a pub but is stopped at the door.

The bouncer tells him he's not allowed in without a neck tie on tie night.

So the man goes back to his car in search of a tie and the closest thing he could find was a pair of jumper leads.

He decides to tie those around his neck and as he attempts to enter the pub again the bouncer sa...

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i asked my therapist: can you cure my bondage addiction?

he said: "i wish i can help you but my hands are tied"

Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw.

A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizi...

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Probably a repost, however: Yesterday I ate two peices of string and they came out tied.

I shit you knot!

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie.

He goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen.

"Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

An Arab is crawling along the desert,

burning up, yelling "Water, water, water." He comes up to a Jewish tie-salesman and says, "Water!"
Jewish tie-salesman says, "I don't have any water, I got a tie. You want to buy a tie?"
Arab says, "No! Water!"
Jewish tie-salesman say, " Forty miles west, there's an inn, you can get water."...

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

I saw my old friend enter the bar

I saw my old friend enter the bar after 2 long years. Ever since he got married he hasnt shown his face around here so i was quite surprised to see him again. I asked him whats the occasion and he responded:

“So my wife actually banned me from going here, she says that she doesnt like my frie...

A bartender sees a dour looking man at his bar.

He asks the man what's wrong and the man replies "some things you just can't explain". "Anything can be explained, the bartender says. Tell me what happened." "Okay" says the man. "You see I'm a farmer, and today I had to milk my cow. Well she kept kicking over the bucket with her left leg, so I wen...

Did anybody hear the one about the lad who tied his shoe laces using just the power of his mind?

Thought knot.

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NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was...

Cowboy walks into a saloon...

Way out in the old Wild West, a cowboy walks into a saloon, and sits down at the bar. After having a few drinks, he gets up, pays the bartender, and leaves. Moments later, he comes back in and says “I’m going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain’t back where I left it by the time...

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

A man is wandering the dessert, having lost his way, when he comes across a friendly looking salesman with a suitcase.

'Good day to you, good sir', the salesman greets him.
'Water, please!' is all the man manages to say through his sore throat.

'Oh, I'm afraid I don't have any water on me. But I can offer you one of these stylish ties.' With that he opens his suitcase and presents a collection of colored t...

Dick is like hair ties

You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...

Men are like shoe laces

They go through many holes before they tie the knot

Ties

As a birthday present from his mother-in-law, a husband got two ties. Wanting to be a good son-in-law, he wore one of them to the next family dinner. Upon seeing her, he tries a friendly smile, but is met with a disappointed look "So, you didn't like the other one?".

What's a chickens favourite adult film genre?

Hen-tie.

I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”...

...But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

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NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks.

He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it

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So a guy goes for a walk along the tracks...

A guy goes for a walk along the train tracks one day. He sees something laying across the tracks up in the distance. As he gets closer, he realizes it’s a person. He runs up and finds himself staring at the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, tied to the tracks. Instantly falling in love with her, ...

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A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did y...

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

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A man, called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him o...

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

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A man dies, and is sent to hell.

He meets up with the Devil and the Devil says “you know what, I’m feeling generous today. I’ll let you pick out your punishment. There are three doors here, and you must choose one. Since I’m feeling extra nice, I’ll let you see them first.”

The man goes up to door number one and sees a naked...

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"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"Fuck off!"

Did you hear about the race between two ties?

It was neck and neck

I met up with a girl from tinder. She asked me to tie her up and do anything i want...

Guess who has gone fishing.

A beautiful woman is sunbathing on the balcony of her apartment, completely naked

At some point, she sees a piece of paper tied to a string being lowered at her level from one of the other apartments upstairs.

She stands up, and grabs it. there are some words written on it.

"I'm the guy who lives at 32B. You are incredibly beautiful. I'm so excited right now. I want...

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

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A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.

When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, ...

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

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Cake day joke: toughest cowboys

First cowboy says, "I'm the toughest sumbitch in these here parts. Yesterday I grabbed me the meanest bull and threw his ass down, balls and all, with my left hand into this here dirt. Pinned him fer 25 seconds without breaking a sweat."

The second cowboy looks up from the fire. "Impressive, ...

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

To become a MI6 agent, three candidates must face one final test...

The candidates, two men and a woman, are given a gun and told that their significant others are tied to a chair and that, one by one, they must enter and shoot them to pass the test.

The first man enters and after a few minutes, comes back out, tears streaming down his face, sobbing that he ...

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A Couple Has a Dog That Snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and t...

I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

Three guys are walking their dogs and they see a bar

"I could really go for a drink," says the first guy. The two other guys agree, but as they get closer to the bar they see that there are no dogs allowed inside.

"I guess we can't go in, as there is nowhere to tie up our dogs," the second guy says.

"That's where you're wrong," the first...

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An old cowboy rode into town and tied his horse up in front of the bar ..

The sheriff stood there and watched the cowboy walk around the back of his horse, lift up it's tail and give a big wet kiss right on the horse's ass.
"What the hell you doin?" the sheriff asked. The cowboy replied "I got chapped lips" The sheriff said" Kissing your horse's dirty ass cures chappe...

My friend tied me to a tree with a rope and told he will give me 50$ if I escape

I told him It's knot possible

A string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The...

I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

mountain climbing with a friend is hard

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