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Tie Jokes

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A man found a woman tied to the rail tracks and untied her.

Then they had a lot of sex and he was on his way to the bar.
He started boasting about all the different positions they had sex in.

The bartender asks did you get any head.

To which the man replies
“I couldn’t find the head.”

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...
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Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...
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I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it
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"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."
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A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...
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My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...
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Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!
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My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

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No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer l...

As companies continue to cut ties with Kanye West...

Compass maker INMARK has also decided to drop West from their product line, leaving users lost and confused.
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I once tied all my watches to my belt

Until I realised it was just a waist of time
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How do you tie two Hondas together?

...with Accord
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I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only”...

...But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
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What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

Tie a ribbon

A woman is at home one night with just the dog because her husband is out drinking again. But the dog keeps farting, and he's stinking up the house. So she calls up her best friend and asks if she has any ideas about this.

"Tie a ribbon firmly around the dog's genitals," she said. "That sh...
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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

Tie Salesman

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping...
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Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum
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So I was looking up popular pornographic search terminology...

Turns out FFM, Bondage, and Watersports are a three way tie for #1.

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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

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So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...
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Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt...

it's a waist of money?
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What do you call a dog that likes being tied up?

A sub-woofer
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A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua tied up out front"?

A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my Chihuahua"

"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"

" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"

" I think he choked on him".
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Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The ...
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I have a pretty unique ability. I'm able to put a rope up my ass and tie it together before pooping it back out.

I shit you knot

Tom finally decided to tie the knot...

Reddit's new API pricing has forced third-party apps to close. Their official app is horrible and only serves to track your data. The CEO has blatantly lied and only wishes to exploit the unpaid members of the Reddit community.

Follow me on Mastodon or Lemmy.
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What do you call a woman tied to a jetty?

Maude
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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...

..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food!
So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"

*What?*

"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"

*I don't understand*

"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

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"Can you tie a knot?"

"I cannot."

"So you can knot?"

"No, I cannot knot."

"Not knot?"

"Who's there?"

"Fuck off!"

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...
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I once swallowed a piece of string and it came out tied.

I shit you knot.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...
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A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...
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A man who made tie-dyed shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his business.

While filling out the documents, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”


The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”


The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

"HEY, NICE TIE!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the barten...
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After seeing watching videos and tutorials online, I finally tried to tie a knot using my tongue.

But I only ended up getting tongue-tied.
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Tie Me Up...

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Ital...
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Southern grammar: tied

Y'all might not know it, but southern USA grammar is more complex than up north. We have many different ways of using the same word, with completely different meanings.

Take the word "tied" for instance. You might say two people, or animals "tied up" which means they fought.

You could ...

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What’s the difference between a tie and a cow’s tail?

The tail covers the entire asshole

So there is a penguin, they had a suit and tie.

Yet, no one said that they look fly.
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In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.
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So two men walk into a tie shop

The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"


The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie
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My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie.

I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."
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What do you call a sailor who likes to get tied up and gagged during sex?

A submarine

Why did the tie not laugh at the other tie's jokes?

They were knot funny.
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Family ties, or is we kin?

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local factory.


After a few beers, the first guy says to the second,

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your ...

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A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

I bought a tie for my dog to wear on his walks

It's to help him do his business.
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Bill Nye's grandfather rented a tuxedo to attend a Rotary convention in Philadelphia. The tuxedo came with an untied bow tie and he didn't know how to tie it.

Just taking a chance he knocked on his hotel's next door and there was a guy there.

\- Excuse me, can you help me tie my tie?

\- Sure. Just lie down on the bed.

The grandfather wasn't sure what he was getting into, but he wanted to have the tie on.

So he lay down on the b...
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A man who was traveling for work had a formal dinner to attend but didn't know how to tie a bow tie for his tux.

After a half hour of unsuccessfully trying to tie the tie, he suddenly realized he was going to be late. He ran out of his hotel room and into the hall and asked the first person he saw walking towards him if they knew how to tie a bow tie. The man said he did so the business traveler invited him in...
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How do you tie up a vampire?

With garlic knots.
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Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union
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Right testicle tied to ....

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much a...

[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...
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I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
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Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...
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Went on a date with a woman who bought along a 12 foot pole with a Superman cape tied to one end

for me that's a red flag
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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

How does Cthulhu wear a tie?

With an Eldritch knot.
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Trump and Biden tied in a hypothetical 2024 matchup: poll

5% for Biden, 5% for Trump, and 90% said, "God no!".
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A hat and a tie are out running

The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."
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What did the tie say to the hat?

I'll hang here, and you go on ahead.
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A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...
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A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.

The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.

Finally she spoke, “...
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I learned to tie rope on the toilet

I shit you knot

Walking through the woods……..

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...
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Ties

As a birthday present from his mother-in-law, a husband got two ties. Wanting to be a good son-in-law, he wore one of them to the next family dinner. Upon seeing her, he tries a friendly smile, but is met with a disappointed look "So, you didn't like the other one?".
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A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”

The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The barte...
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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

Dave gulped: "My...
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I finally cut ties with a so-called friend that was just dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard."
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Reef knot, Sheepshank, Clove Hitch, Bowline. I don't know how to tie these knots

But my fucking headphones do

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Why do lawyers wear button up collars and ties?

So their foreskin doesn’t slip up over their head

Since you're in a suit & tie, I'll have to charge you a $20 fanciness fee.

"Fanciness fee? What the hell is that?"

"It's a sircharge."
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I bought a shirt and some neckwear from Ebay that used to belong to the guy from the Mamas & the Papas

All the sleeves are brown and the tie is gray
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A man goes to a dress up party with a woman tied to his back.

Someones asks him "why the hell is there a woman tied to your back?

The man replies "I'm suppose to be a turtle... this is Michelle".
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You and me, we're like two snakes tied together

We be long together
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Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?

I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.
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What did the chameleon say when he walked across a tie-dye shirt?

Whoa, that last bug must have been laced with something!
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I asked my girlfriend if she'd like to tie the knot.

She said, "Do your own fucking shoelaces."

No one in the Star Trek universe knows how to tie a neck tie.

They're all use to Klingons.
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This racist blonde with 3 kids got her tubes tied...

because she read that 1 child in 4 is black.
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's co...

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"I love these black tie do's,"

I said to my wife.

"Just get ready for my mothers funeral will you, you sarcastic cunt, " she replied

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
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Did you hear about the tortilla factory that had ties to the mob?

Turns out it was a shell company.
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How do you tie your spaceship to the dock?

With an astronaut.
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A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose.

I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang
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The Tie Vendor

A member of ISIS, separated from his group after an attack, was walking through the desert near the point of death. He stumbles upon, of all things, a shop. He runs over to the shop and pleeds, "Water! Please give me water!"

The Jewish shop owner shakes his head, "I am sorry, sir. I only ...
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Did you hear the new tie joke?

Nevermind, it's quite long and has a flat ending.
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Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks?

Because he wanted tequila!
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What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties?

I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.
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I couldn’t get a refund for my BDSM convention ticket

They said their hands were tied.
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...
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Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere
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I'm not thrilled my wife is into bondage

but my hands are tied
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Dick is like hair ties

You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!
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