I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

When is it ok to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

I beat my wife up this morning.

I got up at nine, she got up at ten.

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...


A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

Why do people think that cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already at stage 4.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

Some people say “if you can’t beat them, join them”

I say “if you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: “First offender?”

Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.


I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!

Its probably because I always win.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

No one can beat this bad joke

A snake, a snail and a fish walked into a bar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble

But I wooden letter

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

The only people who can beat Trump in 2020

are the guards and his fellow inmates

I was once being beat up by 2 kids

And so this other kids walks by, stares at the situation, and decides to help.

Damn I didn’t stand a chance against the 3 of em.

I finally plucked up enough courage to beat up the school bully.

It was a different school, and 15 years later,
but damn it felt good

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the gang of furries who savagely beat a homeless person?

Fucking animals.

Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat?

They’re always Russian or Dragging

I once beat cream depressingly with a fork.

No whisk no fun.

Why did the priest beat the demon at a bodybuilding competition?

Because the priest knew how to exorcise

What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel?

Beat it. We’re closed.

Jussie Smollett paid two black actors to beat him up,

when Liam Neeson would have done it for nothing.

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

If a Muslim beats his wife...

Would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know that feeling when you meet someone special and your heart skips a beat or two?

Yeah...that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that shit.

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

What does the father say to his paraplegic son when he beats him?

"This hurts me more than it hurts you."

How did the trident beat the spear?

It had two more points.

What do you call the guy that can beat up everyone in a jail cell?


We were at McDonalds racing down the slides and I beat my son

I explained to the police it was because he was trying to cheat.

Bruce lee would beat dwane Johnson in a fight

Water erodes rock

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What happens when a guy from Finland beats you up?

You get Finnished

What do you do with a drummer that can't keep a beat?

Take away one stick and make him a conductor.

What do you do if he still can't keep a beat?

Take away his last stick and make him a choir director.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the Leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?

He pulled it off!

How do you beat up a priest?

With NUNchucks

Kids these days got Beats by Dre.

Back in the day, I got Beat by my Dad.

“Hey Descartes, I bet I can beat you in a footrace!”

“I think not!” Descartes replies.

And poof!

He instantly disappears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know the Elves had a plan to beat the Uruk-hai with Sexual Frustration?

It's true. They knew that if they got enough trees together, it made an OrcHard.

What's something you lose when you beat it?

No Nut November.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

A man and his wife play a board game, the man beats her.

Because she won.

When I was young, I used to play chess with my father and he always beat me.

Probably because I always won in chess.

My dad beats me almost every day

It's like he's addicted to Mario Kart

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

I hear they made a movie about an illegal immigrant who beats up a child abuser.

Alien vs Predator

My heart beats much faster and I feel like losing my consciousness when I go to my girlfriend's house

She lives on the 10th floor, and the god damn elevator is broken

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw an old man getting beat up

I rushed to help. That old bastard didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you asked me why I married a sadist,...

I'd say, "Beats me."

Farting to the beat.

Once, I was at a restaurant and I wanted to fart so bad, that I couldn't even move.
Fortunately, the restaurant had really loud music so I thought I'd fart to the beats so that nobody would notice. After several moments, I noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that ...

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

Why do riot police go the work early?

To beat the crowd.

A couple of guys are chilling when suddenly one of them looks at the clock and freaks out, "I gotta go back and do the dishes or my wife will beat me". The group reply with "damn, Mike, you let your wife beat you?". Mike replied:

"of course not! I always do the dishes!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A distressed woman visits a healer...

"Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don't know what to do anymore."

The healer says: "You see, in every man's soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

I fought an erection this morning

Beat it single handed.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

A computer beat me at chess

But I really got the better of it in boxing.

My dad and I used to play checkers when I was a kid. Usually, he'd beat me

But I'd win at checkers so we're even.

I was playing basketball with my 13 year old son and I beat him.

I probably wouldn't have if he hadn't won.

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

What do you call it when Thomas the Tank Engine beats his wife?

Domestic Caboose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend won't let me spank her during foreplay

So I glued her buttcheeks together. Well I guess if you can't beat them, join them!