Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

Why do Hong Kong police officers wake up so early?

To beat the crowd

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A dwarf on the subway was playing music with a perfect beat

He was a metro-gnome

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

They say cancers hard to beat

But it only took me a month to get to stage 4.

How much did Cain beat his brother?

As much as he was abel

Nothing beats the Swedish summer...

it's simply the best day of the year.

What’s happens when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent?

BEATS ME

I just beat my wife at dominos again...

When will she learn that **I** choose the pizza toppings?

What’s the difference between my dad and a boomerang?

A boomerang doesn’t beat me.

Did you hear about the dentist who beat a murder trial?

He used the floss in the system

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What’s the difference between a lobster with big breasts and a beat down bus stop?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

What do you call someone who beats it to pictures of cheese?

A feta-shist!

How did one-two-three cat beat un-deux-trois cat in their boat race?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

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This weekend I'm curing my masturbation addiction once and for all...

Either I'm going to beat it, or I'm going to beat it.

Hey Google, what's a computer's favorite beat?

Algo-rhythm

Saw a old lady getting beat up by 3 men on the side of the street today so I decided to step in and help,

She didn’t stand a chance against the 4 of us

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

My father caught me smoking a Marlboro when I was 12, and he beat me senseless.

Really taught me a lesson on brand loyalty.

TIL in 2015 three inmates from a maximum security prison beat Harvard’s debate team.

With their fists.

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

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A few years ago I was on a tourist trip to New York City and got free tickets to attend a taping of "Beat Bobby Flay"

They tape early as hell so I drag my ass out of bed, wake up the kids, get my tickets, am in line with my family, we all have our baseball bats... only to find out it's a damned cooking show.

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Dave is in the court because of domestic violence.

"These papers say you beat your wife with a hammer" says the judge. "Is this true?"

"Yes," says Dave.

"Disgusting son of a bitch," says a man in the audience.

The judge proceeds. "Then, two weeks later, you beat your wife's mother with the same hammer. Is this true?"

"Yes...

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

They're gonna beat this horse down the old town road until it can't die no more

This song has been rereleased twice now since December with just different artists added in

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift's Spotify streaming record

Even in the afterlife, XXX is still beating women

A brunette finds a genie

And the genie told her “anything you wish for, all the blondes will get double that.” So the brunette wishes for 100 billion dollars. “Granted, now all the blondes have 200 billion dollars”

The brunette wished for a nice house “granted, but now all the blondes have 2 nice houses.” The brunett...

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You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

I beat my wife everyday

Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. I know it’s not a nice thing to do. I just get so much satisfaction from her suffering. But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once?

Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type

His blood type was a B+

A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street

He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?"

,,Yeah, I was."

,,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?"

,,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me."

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I was never constipated as a kid

My dad would regularly beat the shit out of me

My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

Beat you to death

If I die before you, have I beat you to death?

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

I beat my wife up this morning.

I got up at nine, she got up at ten.

Some people say “if you can’t beat them, join them”

I say “if you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

Why is it easy to beat England in a war?

Because you always hit the Mark.

Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have ...

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I beat my cock until it was sore today...

Made brilliant chicken tenders!

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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

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Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

When is it ok to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: “First offender?”

Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

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You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

You know what beats Stonehenge?

Paperhenge

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

I Wanted to Make the Dumbest Joke Ever...

Too bad my parents already beat me to it.

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If Ant Man did beat Thanos by crawling up his butt

Would it be considered an inside job?

Have you heard about the new online game where you’re a masked wrestler who tries to beat all the other wrestlers to get as big as possible?

It’s called raymyster.io

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

Do you know how PC gamers always can beat console players if they play against each other?

They press the Win-key.

Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild?

Trials and errors.

Why did my dad go to prison?

Beats me.

You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

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A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!

Its probably because I always win.

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Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

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Did you hear about the gang of furries who savagely beat a homeless person?

Fucking animals.

The only people who can beat Trump in 2020

are the guards and his fellow inmates

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble

But I wooden letter

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

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