The 114+ Best Beat Jokes

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America...

Captain Vietnam

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice.

And that’s Chris Brown

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

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After weeks of practice, I finally beat my record for how far I can shoot my jizz.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

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I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...

it's to the door to open it for her.

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart beat fast, and changes your life forever.

We call those people cops around here.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

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I beat up a Nazi yesterday…

I’m… not allowed at the wax museum anymore.

What do you call a frightened Roman emperor that speaks rhymes to the beat of music?

Chicken Caesar Wrap

I tried to beat up the composer, but failed. Apparently I wasn’t…

…Rachmaninov.

My husband beats me at regular intervals

Hertz

Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.

It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.

How did the Muslim boxer beat the other boxer?

With a Highjab

Why did the poker player get beat up off his uncle?

Because he upped his ante

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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

Shortest conversation that led to a beat down

Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

why is justice beat served cold?

If it was served warm it would be just water

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

Took a date home and asked her what music she liked. She wanted something with a hard beat that'll get her on the floor.

So I put on some Chris Brown.

I saw a guy tuning a piano, and said "Betcha can't tune a fish!" Without missing a beat, he replied...

"Sure I can, just gotta use the C scale!"

A man parks a beat up, rusty Plymouth right in front of the Capitol. One of the guards walks up to him and says: "Sir, please move this vehicle. This is the Capitol Hill, congressmen, senators and even the President frequent this area."

The Plymouth driver replies "I ain't scared, I got an alarm!"

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

What's worse than beating a dead horse?

Shooting a live gorilla

Why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!

My wife is taking me to court because she said she’s fed up of me beating her and she “needs more than just love”.

The problem is, I’m just way better than her at tennis.

How did the DJ threaten his unruly apprentice who was responsible for all of the electronic beats

He threatened him with real percussions

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So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right,

I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Why don't cops get tired of beating people?

They have a chance for arrest afterward

Thank you, I'll see myself out

I beat my chiropodist at poker, pool, darts, table tennis AND 15 different video games, but at no point did he stop smiling.

The man knows how to deal with de feet.

What Olympic sport will Ukrainians always beat Russian in?

The javelin thrown.

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

Have I ever told you about that time my math teacher beat me up?

He really did a number on me!

What happenes when you beat up an electrician?

You get charged with battery

I just beat a black belt at karate...

My next challenge is a green sock .

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

I beat my wife up this morning.

We're quite competitive when it comes to getting out of bed.

I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter...

I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.

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A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a coffee bar. The masochist says “Beat me NOW!” The sadist replies….

Later.

What do you call a beat-up Batman?

A Bruised Wayne.

Why did 32 beat 33?

Because 3-2-1

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

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Cops beat Chinese man after asking for his name

“I’ve lost all faith in our police.” Says Fuk Yu

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Why does the tortilla chip always beat the potato chip in a debate?

The tortilla chip has a point.

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

Last night the Grim Reaper came for me, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.

Why can't Two-Face beat Batman?

Because he's two Dents.

Why did Pheobe beat Ross in the annual Friends nautical race?

David's a good Schwimmer but Lisa Kudrow.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

I saw 4 guys beating up 1 guy so i stopped to help...

He had no chance against all 5 of us.

How to you beat up a snowman

Kick it in the snowballs

I saw a kid getting beat up by 4 gang members, so I decided to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

I’m tired of my wife beating me up everyday. I’ll show her…

I’m gonna wake up at 4am tomorrow.

What do you say to a koala to encourage him to beat his personal best in bench pressing?

Bro Eucalyptus!

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates

"I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

How do you beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight?

Throw paper at him

Me and my friend had a bet that I couldn't beat him in a race.

I'm a big guy, so needless to say, I won.

His mom wasn't too happy to see both of his legs broken though.

If you can’t beat em join em

I lost my whisk, so I jumped into the bowl with the eggs!

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precin...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.

One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.

A second man brings a ...

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Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

What did the cop say while he was beating the electrical insulator?

“Stop resisting!”

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

What do blind people beat off to?

Thots

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

I beat my wife at dominoes last night...

She really needs to remember that **I** choose the toppings.

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So, some asshole beat up a kid for twirling a sign advertising the local Chinese restaurant

The guy's a raging signophobe

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

If you beat your child for doing something wrong

Is it physical education?

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

A drummer got sentenced to prison for repeatedly beating up people.

He got his repercussions.

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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I never realized how jealous my brother can get. He beat the shit out of me just because I slept with the only girl in our class.

Homeschool problems.

My Dad used to beat me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

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