My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

People always say cancer is hard to beat

It’s pretty easy actually, I’m already on stage 4

My Dad used to beat me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

I’m sad, depressed, and haven’t beat off in weeks...

Guess you could say I’m not feeling myself lately

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

Should I beat my kids?

I know I'm not supposed to, but they just make me so frustrated

My wife says I'm being irrational and getting wound up over nothing, and that if I beat them she'll be incredibly upset and won't even know what to say to me.

But you know when it's just the same stuff day in, day out. And...

Why was the girlfriend beating around the bush?

Because her dude never knows where to eat out.

My father beat me with his belt..

>!.. while he was still wearing it.!<

Credit to Zack Galifanakis

My laptop beat me at chess

I guess I'm just really bad at chess

I bet y'all were expecting me to beat it at kickboxing.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Yesterday I beat cancer

Poor bald kid didn't even see me coming!

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This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.

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A Rabbi in NYC gets into a taxi and politely asks the driver to Midtown. Suddenly a man with a redneck with Swastika barges into the cab, slams the door and orders the driver to the airport. Furious the cab driver gets out, pulls the redneck out of the cab and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

Meanwhile, the Rabbi is screaming Stop! Stop! Unfrazzled, the cab driver continues to beat the shit out of the redneck. A good 5 minutes goes on, the driver beating the redneck and the Rabbi pleading to stop. Finally the cab driver gets back into his taxi and asks the Rabbi "What's wrong with you? D...

Why do police get to protests early?

To beat the crowd.

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A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.
...

A woman is on trial for beating her fiance to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says "first offender?" With a quizzical look the woman says "first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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I was unable to beat my masturbation addiction for a long time...

But now that I named my penis "masturbation addiction" its become surprising easy...

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law.

My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago.

You know how some gangs beat up new members to initiate them?

I might be in like 12 gangs.

My husband is a cheater, he beats me, and whenever I touch his property, he says, "I'm going to make you pay."

I don't want to play monopoly with him anymore.

A man worked at a coal mine. He beat up his colleague severely but they let him go

it was a miner offense

I beat my wife.

That was the punchline.

I'm in jail because I beat my wife

The police showed up at our house because they got a call about suspicious activity in the area and stopped to see if we knew anything.

Officer: "We saw you both sprinting to the door of your home and thought we would make sure everyone is alright."


Me: *Speechless from not being ...

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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

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A friend of mine had his heart beating fast when his GF touched his dick for the first time.

But it got faster when he touched hers

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What do you call a bird that beats the shit out of her husband?

Amber Bird.

What do you call someone who beats up dessert chefs?

Cobbler clobberer.

Why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!

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The sun is beating down and the.....

It's a slow day in a rural New Zealand Town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit:

On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk say...

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel too

If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

What do you call an angry police man?

Beats me.

I saw two kids beating up a kid in an ally, so I stepped in to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.

Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.

Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.

He says “yes Jesus” a...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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Becoming White

A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his be...

I beat my meat frequently

My arm hertz a lot afterwards

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Beating Cancer’s Stupid Ass

Who is Alex Trebek?

What do you call a vegetable with sick beats?

A Rap Scallion

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

I beat up a kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

As i walked away, I realised that I forgot to beat up the kid who made fun of my Alzheimer's

Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick to baking tender chicken breasts is to beat the meat until it's soften.

Dudes: Beat mine a few minutes ago but the chicken is still as hard as a rubber!

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(NSFW) A man walks into a pub and sits down at the bar...

The female bartender asks him if he would like a drink, in which he replys:

"I would love to suck on your breasts"

"Excuse me?" The bartender said.

"I want to spank your ass" the man said rudely.

"Im going to get my husband if you dont stop!" The bartender said.

"A...

I named my son COVID-19

So I can say to my wife “Honey let’s beat COVID-19 together!”

No one suspects a thing when I say it in public.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.'

I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.

She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.

I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

I beat my kids when we play my old video games.

Sometimes I win at the games, too.

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Yeah, that’s arrhythmia.
You can die from that.

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was little my dad used to beat my ass at tic tac toe

With his belt

Which keystroke combination beat all the rest in the shortcut contest?

the Win + R

- I saw two men beating my mother in law

- and you didn’t do anything?

- nah, 3 people would be too many

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and hal...

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

I beat up a politician last night...

Now the damn PETA is on my case about animal abuse.

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

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a dick's life

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.

Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

What do you call a beat-up Batman?

A Bruised Wayne.

Guys I just beat Cancer!

I really need a better nickname for my kids.

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A young black man finds a genie in a lamp..

A young American black man finds a genie in a lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie emerges, exclaiming “All behold the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is tremendous, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

The black man says “Ok... For my firs...

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We're closed!

Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

Beat your kids with a phone book.

They won’t even know what hit them!

My husband cheats and he beats me.

I don't want to play poker with him anymore.

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

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What did Michael Jackson do when he was horny?

Beat it

I beat Cancer today!

It's okay though I told her I was an Aries.

Did you ever hear the one about the husband who beat his wife in an argument?

Neither have I.

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Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.

He'll be happy to help you beat it.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

So I beat my son the other day

Man he sucks at mario kart

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I saw someone beat their meat today

Let me say, it was a really good way to soften up the pork

Policeman: why do you keep beating your wife??

Me: I think it's the weight difference, the longer reach, and superior footwork

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

A cop just handcuffed a dude for a misdemeanor, waiting for back-up, when the offendant asks him...

O: “Did you always dream of becoming a policeman?”

C: “Actually no”, he replies. “I’ve always wanted to be famous on the internet.”

“No way!”, the guy says. “Same here, what a coincidence. So what stopped you?”

C: “I’m not sure, I guess I just never figured out how to get into t...

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

So an astronaut, a pimp and a proctologist all walk into a bar....

"I drive a Saturn", says the astronaut.

"I drive a cheap escort", says the pimp

The proctologist says "I've got you all beat. I drive a brown probe"

Do you think celebrities get special places in hell?

Or are we just going to be burning there then I'm like,"damn is that you Chris Brown? I'm your biggest fan ,I used to beat my girl too "

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

My friend is mad because I beat the high score in his favorite game and I keep rubbing his face in it

I guess I'm starting to sound like a broken record

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going.

After traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old farmhouse.

Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn.

Jesus says to Peter, ”I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay down here. And when you are comfortable, si...

What’s the best birthday present in the world?

A broken drum! You just can’t beat it!

I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.

I would have got first, but the cops beat me to it.

Here is an OC joke for you

3 boys are at a pool talking about their dads
The first one says:"my dad can hold his breath under water for 50 seconds, bet your dad's can't beat that"

The second kid says"piff, your dad is nothing compared to mine, he can hold his breath for 2 minutes"

The third kid laughs at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

What's it called when you beat up a rock

Bassalt

Two Clever Nuns

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fastest black people in my city and the local police department decided to compete against each other in a race

The cops beat them.

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

How come you can’t tell a dad joke around a cop?

They will beat you to it.

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