A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera

I still have flashbacks!

My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat..?

I’m already on stage 4!

I beat my wife everyday

Sometimes she screams so loud that I'm worried the neighbors would hear us. She constantly cries, begging me to stop. I know it’s not a nice thing to do. I just get so much satisfaction from her suffering. But tell me, should I just let her win a game of Super Smash Bros for once?

A policeman sees a beat-up man lying on the street

He asks: ,,Were you assaulted?"

,,Yeah, I was."

,,Can you tell me what the assailant looked like?"

,,Yes, I told him that right before he punched me."

Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type

His blood type was a B+

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

I saw a guy getting beat up by 4 thugs today so i decided to help

The guy did not stand a chance against the 5 of us

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XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift’s Spotify streaming record.

even in the afterlife, he’s still beating women.

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

A brunette finds a genie

And the genie told her “anything you wish for, all the blondes will get double that.” So the brunette wishes for 100 billion dollars. “Granted, now all the blondes have 200 billion dollars”

The brunette wished for a nice house “granted, but now all the blondes have 2 nice houses.” The brunett...

When the Son of Odin beat on the Hulk with Mjonir...

It didn't actually hurt me too bad, the Hulk thought. Especially when the God of Thunder hit him in the back, it was rather like a Swedish massage. So the Hulk let Odinsson whale away. Why did he do this?


Because he was Thor.

Beat you to death

If I die before you, have I beat you to death?

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I beat my cock until it was sore today...

Made brilliant chicken tenders!

My friend met Terry Crews and made fun of him so Terry beat him to death

The coroner says he died from dysentery

Why is it easy to beat England in a war?

Because you always hit the Mark.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

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I was never constipated as a kid

My dad would regularly beat the shit out of me

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You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

"Whatcha doin?"

"Eatin chocolate."

"Where'd you get it?"

"A doggy dropped it."

"Where'd he drop it?"

"Behind the door."

"What's he doing?"

"Making more."

;)





My dad beats me every night

What Is a Computer's Favourite Beat?

An Algorithm!

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Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

You know what beats Stonehenge?

Paperhenge

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I beat my wife up this morning.

I got up at nine, she got up at ten.

Beat em all up real good

One day a man arrives at the pearly gates and meets St Peter. They’re going through the necessary paperwork and documentation so St Peter asks the man, “So, did you have any memorable experiences that stood out on earth?”

The man pauses for a second to think and responds, “Why Yes I did have ...

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

Have you heard about the new online game where you’re a masked wrestler who tries to beat all the other wrestlers to get as big as possible?

It’s called raymyster.io

When is it ok to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice

Some people say “if you can’t beat them, join them”

I say “if you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

I Wanted to Make the Dumbest Joke Ever...

Too bad my parents already beat me to it.

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The other day I beat my son at dominos.

I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.

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You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

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If Ant Man did beat Thanos by crawling up his butt

Would it be considered an inside job?

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

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If there was a competition for saggy tits, my wife would beat everyone.

In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.

Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild?

Trials and errors.

Do you know how PC gamers always can beat console players if they play against each other?

They press the Win-key.

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: “First offender?”

Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble

But I wooden letter

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

today i saved an annoying 8 year old from getting beat up today

i changed my mind

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Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

The only people who can beat Trump in 2020

are the guards and his fellow inmates

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because he was well armed

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Did you hear about the gang of furries who savagely beat a homeless person?

Fucking animals.

I hate monopoly! My dad always beats me!

Its probably because I always win.

No one can beat this bad joke

A snake, a snail and a fish walked into a bar

I finally plucked up enough courage to beat up the school bully.

It was a different school, and 15 years later,
but damn it felt good

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel?

Beat it. We’re closed.

I was once being beat up by 2 kids

And so this other kids walks by, stares at the situation, and decides to help.

Damn I didn’t stand a chance against the 3 of em.

Jussie Smollett paid two black actors to beat him up,

when Liam Neeson would have done it for nothing.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

Why can’t cross-dressers and Slavs stay on beat?

They’re always Russian or Dragging

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

If a Muslim beats his wife...

Would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

I once beat cream depressingly with a fork.

No whisk no fun.

Someone recently said to me, "Next time I see you, I'm gonna beat you so bad you'll end up in the hospital."

So I said to him, "Not if ICU first."

What's worse?

Ignorance or indifference?
Don't know and don't care.

(Hard to beat a classic.)

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

How did the trident beat the spear?

It had two more points.

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Did you hear about the Leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?

He pulled it off!

What happens when a guy from Finland beats you up?

You get Finnished

What does the father say to his paraplegic son when he beats him?

"This hurts me more than it hurts you."

As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail?

Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.

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You know that feeling when you meet someone special and your heart skips a beat or two?

Yeah...that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that shit.

What do you do with a drummer that can't keep a beat?

Take away one stick and make him a conductor.

What do you do if he still can't keep a beat?

Take away his last stick and make him a choir director.

We were at McDonalds racing down the slides and I beat my son

I explained to the police it was because he was trying to cheat.

Bruce lee would beat dwane Johnson in a fight

Water erodes rock

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on...

“Hey Descartes, I bet I can beat you in a footrace!”

“I think not!” Descartes replies.

And poof!

He instantly disappears.

How do you beat up a priest?

With NUNchucks

Kids these days got Beats by Dre.

Back in the day, I got Beat by my Dad.

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