A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

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What did the young Gen Z boy tell the aged famous actress making sexual advances towards him?

Whatever you say... GROOMER

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

Did you know that music is often used to help advance in the fermentation of cheese.

The most popular genre in use today is R & Brie.

A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

I apologize in advance, but my 4 year old won't stop telling me this joke.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a monkey?



Diarrhea



(I already said sorry)

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The inventor of the Fleshlight, frustrated with his wife for refusing his sexual advances, hears a voice one night...

"If you build it you will cum!"

Never thought I'd see a day where technology is so advanced you can watch a movie at home with the same experience,

But here VR

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

In which army does it take more courage to retreat than advance?

The red army

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Advanced doctors

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.

"To the morgue," the doctor replied.

"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"

"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

Advanced parenting

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.

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Old man, his doctor, and the prostitute

An old man goes to the doctor, bringing with him what is clearly a prostitute. He tells the doctor “I’d like you to watch my friend and I having sex.” The Doctor is puzzled at first but reasons aloud, “Well, sex at your advanced age can be challenging. Alright. Go for it.” The old man lays down, and...

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Mos...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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An American, a Japanese and an Indian were trying to show off how advanced their country's technology is.

The American goes first, looks at his hand and pokes it at a few places, proceeds to place it on his ear like a mobile and starts talking. After the call gets over here explains that he has a simcard embedded in his hand that let's him use it as a mobile. Everyone is impressed.
Then suddenly some...

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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and p...

I once knew a guy with teeth so bad

His calculus had advanced to trigonometry.

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A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me.

I guess she was trying to woomy.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

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So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.

My first time in the air, my instructor informed me but he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane.

His buddy says "well did you jump?"

The guy says yeah, a little at first.

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

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A farmer buys a young cock (another version)

He puts him out in the yard with the rest of the chickens and the old rooster he's supposed to replace. The older rooster starts to bargain with the younger one: "How 'bout we split the harem 50/50," he says. The younger rooster isn't having any of it.

"OK, then let's have a race around the h...

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Aliens visited the earth one day

They only want peace and help human technology advance and started to beam all world leaders into their ship. Almost all countries' leaders are inside the ship except for the Vatican, where the Pope is still speaking with the public.

After the speech, the aliens hovered above and beamed the P...

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My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

A gypsy man caught a golden fish

And the fish said "Dear fisherman, if you throw me back in the water, I will grant you three wishes."

The gypsy threw the fish back and went "I want to be white, I want to be 8 inches long and I want all women in the world to want me."

Fish did it's magic and the man turned into a peri...

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

A woman just came home after a plastic surgery

She went straight to her husband, and handed him a heavy bill. He took a long look at his wife before looking back down at the bill, “When did they start taking payment in advance?”

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I told my therapist I had suicidal tendencies

From then on he made me pay in advance!

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

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An Irishman walks into an American restaurant during the era of prohibition

He asks the waiter "give me a glass of stout to see how it compares to Guinness back home."
The waiter replies "I apologize but alcoholic beverages are illegal in this country, might I offer you a glass of water?"

The Irishman, having heard that this restaurant has a speakeasy in the back ...

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.

So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a ...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

The older generatiom

The older generation always complain about technological advances; "kids these days can't put their phones down for 5 minutes". But I'm seeing more and more elderly people who can't live without their life support.

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

I was diagnosed with an advanced case of mono...

The doctor told me it's now classified as stereo.

Who’s your favourite Canadian music icon that also practices advanced culinary technique which enhances the flavour of poultry at the atomic level?

Brine Atoms

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Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

Knives are extremely advanced

They are all cutting edge technology

Why were the garden shears so advanced ?

Because they used cutting-hedge technology

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Just you wait!”

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The Discovery of happiness

(English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any spelling/grammat mistakes xP)

A scientist, after many years of study managed to mathematically prove that having regular sex is the key to happiness. So, he decides to set up a conference, in which many people curious of his...

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

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My sexbot wasn't making sexual advances at me

, but then I realized I forgot to turn it on!

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

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Kids swearing too much

*I was just reminded of this joke from my high school years. I haven't seen it here but apologies in advance if it was posted in the past.*

A mother is frustrated with three boys constantly swearing, so she tells them that there will be harsh consequences for cursing starting tomorrow. The ne...

Unreal numbers are the easiest part of advanced mathematics.

The struggle is real.

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So, my friend bought a cute baby donkey

First, he taught it to walk and run. It grew up to carry anything and still run at great speed. After that, he taught it to be friendly to everyone. It grew up to be a great emotional support animal. He taught it to study and read. It grew up to advance animal consciousness research.

So, afte...

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

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A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally giv...

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Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

With the advancement of self driving cars

One could say, In Soviet Russia, you drive car

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3 scientists are praising how far along their country's advancement has come...

An English, Canadian, and Australian scientist are all praising how far along their along their country's scientific advancement has come.

The Australian scientist says "We've come so far, we took the hand of a man, built a body around it, and now he's out looking for a job."

The Canad...

Three guys are at a bar, a Brit, a German, and a Russian...

The Brit says, "Our healthcare is so advanced we can transplant an entire spine and have the patient up and looking for work in 7 weeks!"

The German says, "Well we can do a complete heart transplant and the patient will be up looking for work in less than four weeks!"

The Russian say...

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I apologize in advance...

What do you call a consortium of dildo manufacturers?




Peter Sellers

Terrible pun...

An elderly German couple that own a butcher shop are minding the store one day, selling all sorts of meats and sausages when in walks a man with a bird under his arm.
The shopkeeper asks the man if he can help him and the man says "Yes, I would like to trade this bird for a few of your famous s...

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Did you ever learn about how the WWII Kamikaze pilots were chosen?

The bombing of Pear Harbor had been planned out a year in advance.

Until Japan put the plan into action they held studies on their pilots and soldiers

After some psychological tests they found the troops that were suicidal and were hoping being in war would get them killed

And ...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........

"Advance Finest Liquor". A great suggestion, count me in!

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So we were watching porn and my girlfriend said it's so unrealistic.

"So you think no frustrated wife ever made an advance at her plumber?" I asked.

"Not that." She replied "The ones who repair ours have tiny cocks".

"Wait...what ?"

Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

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Viagra is still useful in advanced years

to stop you falling out of bed at night.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

The guardsman, the commissar, and the orks.

Preface: In case you are not familiar with the Warhammer universe, if enough orks believe something, reality will warp to make it so. And no... I am not the author of the joke... Do get over it please.



Once upon a time, there was a fierce battle raging in the jungle between the Imperi...

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Three couples died and arrived at the pearly gates.

As the first couple stepped forward St. Peter held up his hand and said, “I’m sorry but you may not enter.”
The befuddled husband asks, “why not?” Peter answers, “Because, sir, throughout your life you loved money more than you loved God. In fact, you cherished money so dearly you married this wo...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

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My wife routinely turns down my sexual advances because she has headaches. Feeling particularly horny last night I prepared for that scenario.

As she joined me in bed I asked her if she would like to make love. She declined with her usual headache.

I carefully pulled back the bed-sheet, exposing my erection which was covered in a white powder.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
"Honey, it's aspirin. You can take it orally o...

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

I was contemplating engineering a newer, more advanced clone of my brain...

But then I realized I was getting ahead of myself.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

A long time ago, a spanish civilization was extremely advanced in technology.

In fact, their technology was so advanced in their current time period that they were thought to be using magic. While others built their shelters out of sticks, they built their shelters out of adobe bricks. While others cooked with fire pits, they cooked with electric stoves. While others fought w...

I hear the Star Wars universe is so advanced, you can get Chinese food directly over the internet...

They use an e-wok.

If you wanna see how far we've advanced over the years, just think how it takes just 10 seconds to respawn on COD

...but it took Jesus 3 days!

Ever wondered why Ayo & Teo always wore masks?

They knew in advance that Coronavirus would come

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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A businessman visits Japan for the first time

A business man visits Japan for the first time.

He checks in to a hotel and is shown around the room. He notices that there is no toilet paper, and asks the hotel porter about it.

Well, says the porter, this is Japan, and our toilets are advanced, all will be handled by the buttons on ...

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

Helium walks into a bar.

The bartender stops him in advance, "We don't serve noble gases around here."

Helium doesn't react.

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