An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me.

I guess she was trying to woomy.

So a guy walks into a bar (I apologize in advance)

He asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender says, “if you tell me a joke, I’ll give a drink. So the guy says

So a guy walks into a bar He asks the bartender for a drink, the bartender says, “if you tell me a joke, I’ll give a drink. So the guy says

So a guy walks into a bar He ask...

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and p...

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £6000

She must think I'm crazy!!

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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My sexbot wasn't making sexual advances at me

, but then I realized I forgot to turn it on!

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

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I apologize in advance...

What do you call a consortium of dildo manufacturers?




Peter Sellers

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Just you wait!”

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A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally giv...

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

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Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

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My wife routinely turns down my sexual advances because she has headaches. Feeling particularly horny last night I prepared for that scenario.

As she joined me in bed I asked her if she would like to make love. She declined with her usual headache.

I carefully pulled back the bed-sheet, exposing my erection which was covered in a white powder.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
"Honey, it's aspirin. You can take it orally o...

Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

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My grandfather told this to me the other day. Sorry in advance.

A blind rabbit and a blind pig randomly bump into each other one day. "SORRY!!!" the rabbit exclaims. "It's ok" The pig says. "I'm blind, so I understand." The rabbit jumps up in the air "me too!!" After being born blind these two creatures are completely unaware of what they actually are. The rabbi...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)

So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island.

After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them.

With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their l...

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

A man calls his doctor and says "I'd like to cancel my tomorrow's appointment."

The doctor replies:

- Well, in such a case it will not be refunded, as appointments need to be cancelled three days in advance if you want a refund.

- Can I have it rescheduled then?

- Yes. What do you think about 3:30 PM next Friday?

- That is all right.

- Thank y...

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies

He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts

He said I have to start paying in advance

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

Okay, I got this super racist joke I want to share...

*Apologies in advance for offending anybody. Please don't lynch me for this*

Allah, Buddha and Vishnu decided to play a game. Buddha won the game, and as the winner, he gets to flick the losers forehead with his fingers.
Buddha flicks Vishnu, and Vishnu goes spinning and cartwheeling midai...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)


He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.




- Man: What's up with the pianist?




- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.



...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

The worst day to be born

Okay so, imagine you were born on April first, the day that is a joke. Your life inside itself would be a joke and your birthday, too.








































...

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

Reagan's Soviet Joke

You know theres a 10 year delay in the soviet union of delivery of an automobile and only one out of 7 families in the soviet union own automobiles. There's a 10 year wait and you go through quite a process when you were ready to buy, and then you put up the money in advance. This happened to one fe...

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More songs that need to be banned for Christmas

Since some folks have decided that “Baby it’s Cold Outside” should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity

2....

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A man drives past a psychiatric hospital...

And one wheel falls off. He takes a spare tire and runs around the car unable to find wheel studs, while patients of the hospital sit on the fence staring at him. The man eventually gets tired and sits down on the road in despair. So the patients ask him: “Can wheel still operate with only 3 studs?...

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Flying lessons

A guy is telling his buddy about his flying lessons and the guy teaching him says he is Eigth degree black belt and a raging homosexual and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I have to jump out of the plane. Buddy "Well did you jump?" "Yea a little at first"

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What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him?

Tit for tat?

(I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today)

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He is informed upon arrival that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it is the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," the doorman, Clyde, tells him. Einstein says that is perfectly fine and there isn't a...

A man in Soviet Russia goes to buy a car

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

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Help my boy laugh through his urology appointment!

I need every (non-sexual) ball and dick joke you can think of. My 8-year-old is at a urology appointment and is nervous. I’m lightening the mood.

Stuff like “what’s the difference between a snow man and snow woman? Snow balls”

Thanks in advance!

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Sex after marriage

A girl and a boy meet at the discotheque and after a couple of dances it is obvious that they are really attracted to each other.

The boy asks the girl home and she accepts.

Once at home, nature being nature and the attraction being strong, after some kissing and petting, the boy ma...

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Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Elon Musk are golfing together

Out of nowhere, Bill puts one finger in his ear and points another at his mouth and starts talking. When he’s done, he explains that he has a microchip in both fingers to act as a phone. Not long after that, Elon starts talking but to seemingly no one. When he’s finished he explains that his microch...

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Mickey’s Divorce

Apologize in advance if this is a repost, but here we go:

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going through a rough divorce. Mickey goes to meet with the judge and plead his case.
The judge tells him, “Mickey, I can’t grant you a divorce because Minnie is insane!”
Mickey says “I never said she...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

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It has started

(English is not my first language. Sorry in advance if I make any grammar errors. Also, the joke is originally in another language, so it might not be that good in English.)
An older couple lived together in a small house. The man was watching television while his wife was cleaning. The man said:...

Did you hear about the Queen's abortion?

I hear it was a royal flush

\[Like always please Up/Down vote at your own discretion but please don't downvote just because you are offended - It was marked NSFW to warn you in advance\]

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish.

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish. She thought about it for quite awhile then looking down at her faithful cat Tom, she asked the genie to transform the pet into a handsome prince who would love her...

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

Is that you Hans?

During World War 1, the British were under heavy sniper fire in the trenches, making advancing through territory very difficult without taking many casualties.



So, the British soldiers discussed how to take out the sniper: "How do we make that darn sniper come out of his nest?" Said o...

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

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You don't want to get busy in an elevator.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Note: I did check the sub for this joke. Couldn't find it (I admit I didn't search too deep but I hope you enjoy this one).

I apologize in advance if this has been reposted.

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Melania is talking to Janet Yellen at a party...

They talk about the the improving economy, the Fed, whether quantitative easing really was a good idea, about how Janet will be retiring soon. They have a few drinks and Melania becomes less guarded. Janet asks Melania about the hand slap incident on the tarmac.

Melania: Donald can be such a ...

If you had to choose one superpower to have forever

please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

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One day a husband exclaims to his wife..

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this bi...

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I watched the classic Snow White with my wife the other night. We went to bed shortly after and I started fooling around a bit

[Aside: hi /r/Jokes I am working on this proto-joke. Can you suggest how to make it work better?]

Wait, stop, she said, I’m Sleepy.

Well high-ho, I thought; she’s doing a bit of role play. I thought I’d better get in character too. It wasn’t too much of a stretch for me to play some H...

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A man wanted his wife murdered

So he approached an assassin named Arti. He told Arti "I do not have money, but once the bitch's dead, I'd collect the insurance payout and pay you." Arti replied "Fine, but surely you can pay me $5 as advance payment?" The husband agreed and duly paid the $5.

The next day, Arti tailed the ma...

Now that Harvey Weinstein's Hollywood career is over, he's decided to open a bank.

Word is that he's been giving out plenty of unwanted advances.

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

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Swing Low Sweet...

Haven't been on here for a bit but haven't seen this one so thought I should post it.. (apologies in advance if you have heard before)
....
A teacher asked her class to write on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children got very excited and started scribbling...

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Some advice

I do want to apologize in advance if this is in the wrong section of Reddit, but I really felt I needed to get it off my chest. But anyways, as a teacher, let me tell you a little story...

I had a female student (I'm a male), who was rather attractive. Not gonna lie. But I would never pursue ...

How did Russia win the second World War?

By stalin' the german advance

A proxy examinee was caught

Right after a college entrance test, police arrested a college student who was taking the test for someone else. But everyone is puzzled as the procurator's scores were only 15 out of 100. Turns out, he had recieved a million bucks in advance and was ready to flee after the test. At the police stati...

A couple goes on their honeymoon on an island

(Sorry for my bad english in advance, great joke nevertheless)

....They had a great time. Upon leaving the island, they both decide to get a pet as a memory for their honeymoon. Husbang grabs a rattle snake and wife grabs a skunk.
When they get to the airport, they notice a sign saying "n...

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?

He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

Wish

Translated from my language, might contain mistakes, I apologize in advance.


Guy was walking on the beach and saw an Aladdin Lamp buried in the sand. He grabbed it, rubbed it till it got clean and genie came out and told him:

-You have freed me from the lamp, I can make one wish c...

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Three men walk into a bar.

The first man looks like he hasn't had any sleep in days. His clothes are ragged and torn, and his face is clammy and unshaven. He sits down on the stool and slumps over in a groggy state.

The second man is in a similar state, but is wearing a suit. His tie is strewn over his shoulders, and h...

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Three friends find a lamp and release a Genie...

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

A fellow in a bar.....

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, comes in on a regular basis. After 2 weeks of seeing her in the bar, He makes a move on her.

"No thank you" she politely declined his advances
This may sound rather odd in this day & age, but I am keeping myself pure until I meet the man...

The Old Ball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and th...

Two Iraqi Fathers...

...are standing in line for bread, and strike up a conversation. They begin to talk about their families. The first father pulls out his wallet and shows a picture of his first son. With great pride he says "Here is my Ahmed. He is martyr!" The second father pulls out his wallet and says with great ...

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Little Johnny...

Little Johnny was all set to start grade three. On his first day, Little Johnny's dad insisted on taking him inside to meet with the teacher.

Once there, Johnny's dad took the teacher aside and said, "Mrs. Velasquez, I'm Johnny's father. I want to warn you in advance that Johnny has a gambli...

The racing driver

The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.

With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.

"There's the problem," says the en...

A bartender is closing down his bar

A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation.

As the bartender cleans the last few g...

I used to try and slip into bed quietly, pretending to be asleep after coming home late after a night out with the guys but my wife always woke up...

But I found out that if I come in making as much noise as possible, stumble around a bunch, strip down naked, fall into bed and make obnoxious advances at her, she pretends she's asleep.

Dorothy is stuck in Oz

Apparently magical footwear can't solve all of your problems. So she stays put.

Decades go by, and technology advances. Dorothy, realizing that things get boring without witches trying to murder you, gets a laptop.

She installs Internet Explorer, and the connection is terrible. Doroth...

Why did Willow Smith whip her hair?

Because it has been very knotty.

Apologies in advance

Time of weakness

Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Robert had also bee...

If your cup is half full...

You probably need a different bra.





P.S. I don't know if this counts as a joke, so sorry in advance.

Please Reddit, I need your best boss joke!

Preferably something where an employee puts one over on the boss and gets himself out of a sticky situation. I tried posting on AskReddit, but didn't get a response. I'm hoping that somebody on r/jokes will be able to help me out. Thanks in advance!

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A Dark Joke

A marine hits the beach during D-Day. As he wades ashore under fire he drops his gun in the water. He runs up to his commander and says, "Sergent! I lost my gun!"

"Son! If you see a German, pretend you're holding a gun, point it at that sonnofabitch and shout 'Bangity-bang-bang'!".

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex advice from Janet Reno

Hillary Clinton is having lunch with Janet Reno at Chipotle one day. She complains to Janet that Bill is just insatiable in bed, and sometimes wishes she had a way to deflect him.

Janet tells Hillary that whenever a she needs to fend off amorous advances, she farts as loudly as she can, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Italian...

are arguing the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity.

The Greek says, "Us Greeks had great armies and built a great empire that expanded throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor."

The Italian says, "And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire, encompassin...

What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company?

Progressive

*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance*

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So a guy is hiking in a forest and it's getting dark

He's too far from his car to make it back by nightfall and the woods are dangerous at night. Luckily, he comes upon a clearing with a quaint little cottage in the centre. A middle-aged Chinese man is sitting outside the cottage watching the sunset.
The hiker asks the wizened man if he could stay ...

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

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A man and his penis.

A man had a problem with his penis since birth. It was related to the size, but unlike many humans who feel they are too small, his was far too large! 25 inches to be precise. Constantly he would have women run screaming from his bedchamber. So one day he decided he'd had enough of this, and went on...

A Genie Lamp with a Twist

A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp. Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

"I am an all and powerful genie. You get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wif...

[Request] redneck jokes

My sis is in jail and really wants funny slang terms used by rednecks. I have looked online and there are a couple of short list and some books for sale. I don't mind mailing her a book but I thought this might be a better resource to try first
Thank you all in advance.

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