UPJOKE
moveprogressfurtherriseadvancementgaintravelprogressionpushboostbeforehandpromoteincreasebring forwardbetterment

Apologies in advance...

What has four letters.... Sometimes has nine.. and never has five...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

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My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £5000.

She must think I'm crazy!!

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

I love sunny side up eggs. But no matter how far in advance I plan to make one...

...I always wind up scrambling at the last minute.

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

[An Old Joke from my Grandpa] An Indian Archeologist goes China to meet his Archeologist friend.

Chinese man takes him to his working site, After digging for a while they found some electrical wires buried underground.

Chinese Guy: (to the Indian guy) Look, these wires look ancient, Unlike you Indians, we Chinese were so advanced back then that we used electrical technologies.

Ind...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

A team of researchers has created an advanced, AI-powered supercomputer.

The computer is capable of natural language processing. The primary function of the computer is to be asked a question verbally, and then search through publicly available and internal resources to provide an answer without any information given to it beforehand. The computer responds with the answe...

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

An American, An Indian, And A Russian Meet The Devil

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He...

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Man in a bar (I apologize in advance if it's a repost. New to me)

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
‘Damn’ he says and p...

A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them.

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th...

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Coz career advancement is in ruins.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To build up it's pecs.

(apologies in advance. I made this up).

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

The glass ceiling

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend is always complaining that she can't advance at work because of the glass ceiling. What do you think" he asks the bartender. "I think if our workplaces really had glass ceilings," the bartender replies,"we'd probably let all the women work abo...

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

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A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization

That’s fucking intelligent.

I met my dream girl at the morgue

but she didn't warm up to my advances.

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My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodg...

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Skipping First Grade

in 1970, a kindergartner was talking to his mother (the principal) and his father (a foreman at a local oil refinery) and proudly proclaimed that he was too smart for first grade and should be advanced into second grade in the next school year. The mother thought about this for a while and decided ...

Did you know that music is often used to help advance in the fermentation of cheese.

The most popular genre in use today is R & Brie.

A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

In which army does it take more courage to retreat than advance?

The red army

Advanced parenting

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.

The CIA can identify any house in the world using just a picture of the front door

It’s an advanced form of gate analysis

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Never thought I'd see a day where technology is so advanced you can watch a movie at home with the same experience,

But here VR

Knives are extremely advanced

They are all cutting edge technology

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me.

I guess she was trying to woomy.

Advanced doctors

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.

"To the morgue," the doctor replied.

"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"

"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance

A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

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The inventor of the Fleshlight, frustrated with his wife for refusing his sexual advances, hears a voice one night...

"If you build it you will cum!"

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

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A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally giv...

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Merry Xmas in advance. Kind Of

Father of all non veg:

A family was at the dinner table.

Son asked his father---' Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there??

Surprised father answered- 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:? In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.?

In her 30's to 40's,...

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I told my therapist that I am having suicidal thoughts.

He now makes me pay in advance.

My girlfriend said that I would never advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

It's appalling that despite advances in Science, the constant media circus has made us insensitive to the fact that every minute...

Sixty seconds pass away

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An American, a Japanese and an Indian were trying to show off how advanced their country's technology is.

The American goes first, looks at his hand and pokes it at a few places, proceeds to place it on his ear like a mobile and starts talking. After the call gets over here explains that he has a simcard embedded in his hand that let's him use it as a mobile. Everyone is impressed.
Then suddenly some...

Need some jokes

So I'm a mailman and I deliver to a barber where we do a joke a day to eachother. I need some new jokes to tell, they can be clean or dirty as he has a sense of humor. If you have a good barber or mailmen joke would be a plus. Thank you in advance.

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

Who’s your favourite Canadian music icon that also practices advanced culinary technique which enhances the flavour of poultry at the atomic level?

Brine Atoms

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

Pravda headline after the disaster at Chernobyl

In the power plant of Chernobyl, our glorious marvel of technology, Soviet ingenuity and craftsmanship allowed hard working Soviet civil engineers, pinnacle of technology advancement worldwide, to fulfill five year plan of power generation in mere five milliseconds.

Sorry in advance for the pun...

So they opened a new zoo by my house, it really sucks. They only have one dog....it's a total shih tzu.

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

Unreal numbers are the easiest part of advanced mathematics.

The struggle is real.

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I apologize in advance...

What do you call a consortium of dildo manufacturers?




Peter Sellers

Why were the garden shears so advanced ?

Because they used cutting-hedge technology

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

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3 scientists are praising how far along their country's advancement has come...

An English, Canadian, and Australian scientist are all praising how far along their along their country's scientific advancement has come.

The Australian scientist says "We've come so far, we took the hand of a man, built a body around it, and now he's out looking for a job."

The Canad...

With the advancement of self driving cars

One could say, In Soviet Russia, you drive car

Is that cow from Minsk?

A small village in Russia had a cow that was able to produce enough milk for the village. She produced like a machine, until one day she started producing less and less. Realizing that her production was going to cease, the villagers asked their Rabbi for advice.

"You should go to the place ...

i told my psychiatrist I'm having suicidal thoughts

he said i have to start paying him in advance from now on

The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...

But hey, it's all water over the bridge.

I hear the Star Wars universe is so advanced, you can get Chinese food directly over the internet...

They use an e-wok.

Have you heard about the new advanced ABS system developed by an Israeli company?

Allows any vehicle equipped with it to stop on a dime.

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My sexbot wasn't making sexual advances at me

, but then I realized I forgot to turn it on!

A white politician goes to an Indian Rez for a stump speech.

"The native population is part of this great nation's heritage. I want to represent and further your interests". "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" They chant.

"We should respect your culture and traditions while helping you advance in society, if that's what you wish." "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

"The count...

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

This is terrible, and I'd like to apologize in advance, but could anyone tell me why hipsters prefer corpses over zombies?

Corpses are still underground.

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a man gets on a public bus...

A man gets on a public bus, and sees a very attractive nun. He goes over to sit by the nun, and starts talking her up, trying to get her to come home with him. She refuses his advances, and eventually gets off the bus. The guy, however, couldn't get her out of his head, so he went up and asked the b...

I was contemplating engineering a newer, more advanced clone of my brain...

But then I realized I was getting ahead of myself.

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Viagra is still useful in advanced years

to stop you falling out of bed at night.

Redditor r/jokes repost convention

So you may not have heard, but there was a convention for r/jokes reposters recently. In advance of the convention, to save time, the attendees developed a numbered list of oft-repeated jokes, from 1-500. Although I am a relative noob, a friend invited me as a guest. Everyone seemed to be enjoyin...

What's the difference between cocaine and a baby? (Apologies in advance)

Eric Clapton won't let cocaine fall out of a window....

Near-immediate edit: apparently this post is kind of a semi-annual thing

Mathematicians have found a new, advanced strand of Ebola...

called Hyper-bola


I'm sorry :(

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Can we applaud David Spade for not having any allegations of sexual advances?

Consensual ones included.

A long time ago, a spanish civilization was extremely advanced in technology.

In fact, their technology was so advanced in their current time period that they were thought to be using magic. While others built their shelters out of sticks, they built their shelters out of adobe bricks. While others cooked with fire pits, they cooked with electric stoves. While others fought w...

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My wife routinely turns down my sexual advances because she has headaches. Feeling particularly horny last night I prepared for that scenario.

As she joined me in bed I asked her if she would like to make love. She declined with her usual headache.

I carefully pulled back the bed-sheet, exposing my erection which was covered in a white powder.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
"Honey, it's aspirin. You can take it orally o...

If you wanna see how far we've advanced over the years, just think how it takes just 10 seconds to respawn on COD

...but it took Jesus 3 days!

Volkswagen announces it will open a facility in Israel to make a new advanced vehicle...

The new models are are so advanced not only will they stop on a dime, they'll actually pick it up.

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company...

The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede.

"OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..."

So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations, made it a temporary home in a cardboard box.

That evening testing his new pet, he lea...

I once knew a guy with teeth so bad

His calculus had advanced to trigonometry.

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