UPJOKE
failureunderdoggamblercontestantwinnerlosscontenderdefeatlosealso-ranwinunfortunatedudwinningvictory

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.

Not even my virginity.

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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

Cosmological loser

n. A person who is a waste of both space and time. .

Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman?

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

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Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

why was tree called a loser?

Because he wasn't very Poplar

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting one time and let me tell you

What a bunch of losers.

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A guy walks up and takes a seat at the bar.

He says to the bar tender "I got a bet for you"..."You see that glass way over there?"
The guy points all the way to the other end of the bar.

Well i bet you i can piss from here all the way over there into that glass without spilling a single drop. Bartender just says "that's bullshit!!...

I don't think I'm going to keep playing wordle.

I ran out of guesses yesterday, and it called me a loser.

What I'm gathering from these comments is that wordle is Mean.

My dad says his friends called him a loser

After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

I'm such a loser, that if I joined a contest for losers I'd be 2nd.

I won't be the 1st since I'm a freaking loser.

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

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Self-deprecating humor is for fucking losers.

Which is why I use it so much.

Trump is NOT a loser

He’s an alternative winner.

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin

But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

I auditioned to be on "The Biggest Loser"...

They told me "you win"

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A schoolyard bully is picking on a nerd and says, "Hey, loser, see that guy over there? He told me your mother fucked a donkey, and you're the result!"

The nerd gets upset and says, "Ignore him! Hee-haw, hee-haw, hehaways says that."

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A top defense lawyer dies and is taken to hell where he meets Satan

Satan promptly recognizes him and takes him around for a tour. "Hell isn't so bad once you get to hang out with people like yourself". The lawyer gets hopeful "So then there must be a lot of lawyers here? Can you take me to their section of hell?". Satan tells him their section is in the deepest par...

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:

The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.

So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!

Everyone applauded and asked again:
But ho...

I hate to be a bad loser

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blond...

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

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If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

When I look in the mirror, I see a massive loser.

I see my own reflection, too, but this weirdo has been following me around all day.

What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?

One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.

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This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorb...

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

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A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.

At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".

...

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

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As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

I lost the Sore Loser Award last night...

It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.

Before the Bronze Age...

people who came in third place were just called losers.

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High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

I was the referee in a Russian Roulette tournament

I did an excellent job, none of the losers complained

Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

Because they love the smell of defeat!

Why is no one in Finland a loser?

Because every line is a finish line

Why are people with a foot fetish losers?

Because they like the taste of DA FEET

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

When I was a kid I was a sore loser...

...,I cried every time my dad beat me.

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

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Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines

'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.

Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?

Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.

Trump: What do you mean?

Oba...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

If a fencer loses a duel by getting disarmed...

Does that make them a sword loser?

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

A w‌‌oman w‌‌as h‌‌aving a‌‌n a‌‌ffair w‌‌hile h‌‌er h‌‌usband w‌‌as a‌‌t w‌‌ork.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay s‌‌he w‌‌as i‌‌n b‌‌ed w‌‌ith h‌‌er b‌‌oyfriend w‌‌hen, t‌‌o h‌‌er h‌‌orror, s‌‌he h‌‌eard h‌‌er h‌‌usband’s c‌‌ar p‌‌ull i‌‌nto t‌‌he d‌‌riveway.

“Oh M‌‌y G‌‌od –‌‌ H‌‌urry! G‌‌rab y‌‌our c‌‌lothes,” s‌‌he y‌‌elled t‌‌o h‌‌er l‌‌over.“‌‌And j‌‌ump o‌‌ut t‌‌he w‌‌indow. M‌‌y h‌‌us...

What’s better than a cake day on Reddit?

Damned if any of us losers know.

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

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