UPJOKE
failureunderdoggamblercontestantwinnerlosscontenderdefeatlosenonstarteralso-ranwinunfortunatedudwinning

Loser Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.

Not even my virginity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

I had an email from the state lottery telling me I'm a loser

I didn't even buy a ticket!

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

I'm such a loser, that if I joined a contest for losers I'd be 2nd.

I won't be the 1st since I'm a freaking loser.

My dad says his friends called him a loser

After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

I feel sorry for the guys who regularly go to strip clubs...

Every time I go I think, "Man, I see some of these losers here every week."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Self-deprecating humor is for fucking losers.

Which is why I use it so much.

Cosmological loser

n. A person who is a waste of both space and time. .

why was tree called a loser?

Because he wasn't very Poplar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 45 and I still haven't lost my virginity yet, but I'm proud of it.

You wanna know why? Because I'm not a "loser".

I hate to be a bad loser

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blond...

I auditioned to be on "The Biggest Loser"...

They told me "you win"

A 16-year-old boy passes his driver's test and gets his license.

He says to his father, "Dad, I've got my license now, and I want the keys to the car."

"You're not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.

At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".

...

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

Because they love the smell of defeat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin

But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?

One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.

When I look in the mirror, I see a massive loser.

I see my own reflection, too, but this weirdo has been following me around all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorb...

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

Why is no one in Finland a loser?

Because every line is a finish line

Why are people with a foot fetish losers?

Because they like the taste of DA FEET

I lost the Sore Loser Award last night...

It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

Trump is NOT a loser

He’s an alternative winner.

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

I bought a chocolate bar today and the inside read, "You're a loser"

I wouldn't have minded as much if there had been a competition on.


To make matters worse, it was Boost...

A blond, a brunette and a redhead . . .

were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently.
After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour late...

Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman?

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

When I was a kid I was a sore loser...

...,I cried every time my dad beat me.

(After you win something, say this to the loser). You're like an Italian man with his foot in his mouth

(Italian accent) You tasted defeat.

I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting one time and let me tell you

What a bunch of losers.

I don't think I'm going to keep playing wordle.

I ran out of guesses yesterday, and it called me a loser.

What I'm gathering from these comments is that wordle is Mean.

Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?

Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.

Trump: What do you mean?

Oba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

6 guys playing poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game, Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife...

Before the Bronze Age...

people who came in third place were just called losers.

If a fencer loses a duel by getting disarmed...

Does that make them a sword loser?

I was the referee in a Russian Roulette tournament

I did an excellent job, none of the losers complained

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A schoolyard bully is picking on a nerd and says, "Hey, loser, see that guy over there? He told me your mother fucked a donkey, and you're the result!"

The nerd gets upset and says, "Ignore him! Hee-haw, hee-haw, hehaways says that."

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

Angering the Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."


"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."


Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

My friends and I used to love a good game of Russian Roulette.

Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.