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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.

Not even my virginity.

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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

The secret to a long life.

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret.
I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for...

I am such a loser

The last time I won anything I was still a sperm

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Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

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A schoolyard bully is picking on a nerd and says, "Hey, loser, see that guy over there? He told me your mother fucked a donkey, and you're the result!"

The nerd gets upset and says, "Ignore him! Hee-haw, hee-haw, hehaways says that."

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

While gaming last night, I was called a loser due to still having my default skin

But when I showed up to school, the next day, wearing a new skin, I’m a psychopath.

I went to the gym to workout, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.

Technically they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

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Ladies, you need to work on your chat up lines

'Fuck off loser' is never going to get me in to bed.

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

I'm such a loser, that if I joined a contest for losers I'd be 2nd.

I won't be the 1st since I'm a freaking loser.

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High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

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Self-deprecating humor is for fucking losers.

Which is why I use it so much.

Trump is NOT a loser

He’s an alternative winner.

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

I once had a fight with Superman

We decided the loser has to wear his underwear over his clothes for the rest of his life.

If a fencer loses a duel by getting disarmed...

Does that make them a sword loser?

Four farmers were playing poker

After a while, one of them suggested they upped the ante a bit, and wagered that the losers should help out the winner in working his land, "just like in the feudal times, yeah?".

The other three agreed that that was an exciting prize to play for. They all had vast farms, and had had to leave...

My dad says his friends called him a loser

After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

What are a user, a snoozer, and a sore loser.

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

I auditioned to be on "The Biggest Loser"...

They told me "you win"

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

Why is no one in Finland a loser?

Because every line is a finish line

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If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day

My French Coach gave me the spirit of a loser..

Yes, We can’t spell “oui” without “i”

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

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This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorb...

Foot Fetishists are losers

They enjoy the bitter taste of **defeat**

When I look in the mirror, I see a massive loser.

I see my own reflection, too, but this weirdo has been following me around all day.

I hate to be a bad loser

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blond...

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

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A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.

At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".

...

Why are people with foot fetishes always losers?

Because they love the smell of defeat!

Why are people with a foot fetish losers?

Because they like the taste of DA FEET

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?

One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.

What’s better than a cake day on Reddit?

Damned if any of us losers know.

A w‌‌oman w‌‌as h‌‌aving a‌‌n a‌‌ffair w‌‌hile h‌‌er h‌‌usband w‌‌as a‌‌t w‌‌ork.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay s‌‌he w‌‌as i‌‌n b‌‌ed w‌‌ith h‌‌er b‌‌oyfriend w‌‌hen, t‌‌o h‌‌er h‌‌orror, s‌‌he h‌‌eard h‌‌er h‌‌usband’s c‌‌ar p‌‌ull i‌‌nto t‌‌he d‌‌riveway.

“Oh M‌‌y G‌‌od –‌‌ H‌‌urry! G‌‌rab y‌‌our c‌‌lothes,” s‌‌he y‌‌elled t‌‌o h‌‌er l‌‌over.“‌‌And j‌‌ump o‌‌ut t‌‌he w‌‌indow. M‌‌y h‌‌us...

I lost the Sore Loser Award last night...

It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

Trump and Obama meets during inauguration.

Trump asks: Barack, your approval ratings are pretty high. I love ratings bigly. Can you give me some tips?

Obama: The key is having a strong administration. I make sure that my administration not only works hard but is also composed of smart people.

Trump: What do you mean?

Oba...

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

Don't miss Donald Trump's new reality show:

The Bigliest Loser.

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to : "die loser"

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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

My step-dad told me it was pointless to apply to med school because "I was too stupid to be a doctor"

8 years later one of us is an unemployed loser with a drinking problem and the other is making six figures and going to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mom.

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

When I was a kid I was a sore loser...

...,I cried every time my dad beat me.

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I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

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Fox is trying to relax on his day off, so he decides to roll a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

Saw a strip club across the street from the Mini Golf course.

I’m just trying to have a nice afternoon with my kids and I look across the street and see a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

McGregor finishes fast...

And he’s a champion. I do it and I’m a loser.

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People get made fun of for being virgins, but what are people who have LOST their virginity?

Losers

Three motorcycle riders walk into roadside restaurant...

A middle aged man sits inside and eats his dinner.

The first rider went to the man and burned out his cigarette on his plate.

The second rider spitted into his milk.

Finally, the third rider dropped his lunch on the floor and stepped on it.


Without saying a word, the ...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

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