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Triumphant Jokes

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the ro...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

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Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
Hire a strapping young man.
<...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician went hunting

After a good, long while, they found a deer.

The physicist lifted his rifle, took aim, fired, and hit three feet to the left of the animal.

The biologist fired too, and sent the bullet three feet to the right of the deer.

The statistician lifted his rifle triumphantly in the air...

What do you call a victorious ant?

Triumphant!

Computer

They say that the new super computer knows everything.

A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I k...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

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Mad Aussie Farmer

Old Ted, Whose wife had died many years ago, happened to convince a beautiful young lady more than half his age to marry him. He promised to care for her and make sure she was left with his farm when he passed away.

After a year of marriage, however, Old Ted was unable to bring his beautiful ...

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A guy walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to a very muscular man.

He asks the man, "Wow. I didn't realize you could look that great and drink! What are you drinking?" The man responds, "Why, this is magic beer." The guy, feeling a little insulted responds, "Oh yeah? What's so magical about it?" The man stands up, walk over to the edge of the building, jumps off, a...

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

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Guy walks into a bar

with an alligator under one arm and a shillelagh in the other.

He walks up and slings the alligator up onto the bar and brutally WHACKS it over the head with the club.

The alligator’s mouth verrrry slowly creaks open, revealing a gaping maw of savage teeth.

The guy whips out hi...

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

The year is 1941...

A Russian general is arguing with a Finnish general about who has the better army.

The Finnish general says, I'll bet you one Finnish soldier can beat ten Russian soldiers easily!

So the Russian general sends ten men over to a nearby hill, where they saw one Finnish soldier. There's so...

First baby asks second baby “Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Second baby “I don’t know...”
First baby “ Let me look.” Dives under second baby’s blanket and comes up red faced and says “You’re a boy baby!”
Second baby “How can you tell?”
First baby (triumphantly) “You have blue socks!”

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A lawyer dies and finds himself in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter is holding a clipboard and asks his name, then checks his list.

"Says here you were a lawyer, is that correct?"

"Yep," says the lawyer, "that's correct."

"Well, here's the thing," St. Peter says. "We don't get too many lawyers making it past the gates here. We'll need ...

A man walked into a pharmacy.

"Do you have anything to cure hiccups?" he asked.

The pharmacist didn't reply.

Again, the man asked "Excuse me, I asked if you have anything for hiccups?"

Still the pharmacist stayed silent.

The man started getting annoyed. "Can you hear me? I'm looking for something fo-"...

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Dave and Johnny were abroad on holiday.

One evening, they decided to visit a local bar.
"Be careful of scammers," warned their tour guide. "There's a lot of dishonest people in this neighborhood."

Dave shrugged and laughed. "Don't worry mate, I can always spot a liar."

They went to the bar. At the door, the bouncer stood ...

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

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A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed.

A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed - namely, the husband is having trouble making his wife orgasm. They visit a sex therapist who recommends they hire a young man to give the wife a foot massage during sex, hopefully to relax her and help her orgasm. They try it, and the husband fucks his...

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

A captain is about to lead his troops into battle.

"Porter," says the captain, "I want you to bring my red jacket."


"Why your red jacket, Sir?" replies the porter.


"Well, you see..." the captain explains, "I wear my red jacket into battle so that during the fight, when I get injured, my men don't see me bleed and lose morale."<...

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

Thor

The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending a conference.

By chance they wind up staying on the same floor of a certain hotel.

Late that evening, the engineer is awoken by the smell of smoke. He steps into the hallway and sees a small fire. Thinking quick, he dumps out his wastepaper basket, fills it with water, and douses the flames. Satisfied, he...

A Jewish Man from the Shtetl is trying to get some sleep

while some brisk elders are playing backgammon right beneath his bedroom window.

Lying in bed and anxiously eying the ceiling,
he ponders about how he might just find some of that replenishing sleep.

He goes to his window and desperately looks into the crowds. Then he‘s got the bri...

So this nun is driving along...

... when suddenly a drunk staggers out into the road in front of her. She skids to a stop, gets out, and scolds him severely, making several derogatory remarks, and angrily lecturing him on how dangerous he was being. The drunk looks at her for a minute, then punches her in the face, knocking her ...

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An elderly couple...

An elderly couple who have been together for years are struggling with their sex life. They’ve tried just about everything, but the passion has just died out. Eventually they decide to seek the advice of a less conventional doctor. They explain the problem - the husband says ‘No matter what I do, I ...

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

Three professors are on a hunting trip

After hours of trudging through the woods, they spot their first game of the day: a deer sleeping soundly in the middle of a clearing.

The first one, a physicist, takes out his notebook and uses the equations of motion to aim his rifle at the perfect angle. Bang! His bullet whizzes past the d...

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Three scientists are arguing about the meanest animal in the jungle

The first scientist says, "The meanest animal in the jungle is the the King of the Jungle himself, the lion. He wouldn't be the king if he wasn't the meanest bastard in there."

The second scientist says, "The lion may be king, but the meanest animal is actually the water buffalo. Even a lion ...

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hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves h...

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A little boy walked up to his grandfather on the front porch...

He saw his grandpa drinking a beer and asked if he could try it. His grandpa asked him in return, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy thought about it for a second and replied with a hesitant, "No." "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"

A couple days later her see his ...

A Jewish military man from Israel told me this joke.

Deep in the desert. Mehmet, an Arab fighter (or militant, if you will) chases an Israeli soldier, let's call him Moshe, with an AK47 gun.

Mehmet closes on Moshe and starts firing at him but misses. The chase continues through the desert, there's quite a lot of firing from Mehmet and quite a l...

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

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Two neighbors were chatting over the fence one Saturday afternoon.

"So how's it going, Mike?" one neighbor asked.

"Tell you what," Mike said, "I haven't been able to remember anything lately. Just comes in my head and leaves just as fast. But I went to the doctor, and he gave me something to improve my memory. It's a lot better now, actually."

"What'd...

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A little boy visits his grandparents...

He sees his grandma has made cookies, so he asks his grandpa "Can I have a cookie, grandpa?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?" grandpa replies.
"No" says the boy.
"Then your too young for these cookies" grandpa says.

A few weeks pass and the boy comes for another visit.
Again th...

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

A big game hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man had undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal from feeling its skin, and if he could locate the bullet hole ...

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A young morticians apprentice crashes through the door of his mentors office and says excitedly: "Hey Monty! You gotta check out this lady that just came in."

Monty slowly gets up from his chair.
"You know Mike, there isn't much I haven't seen. A lot of bodies have come through these doors."
"Yeah, but have you ever seen a chick with a shrimp in her pussy?"
Monty is intrigued. He follows Mike out to the stainless steel table and looks at th...

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So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.

The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.

Now it's a friday nig...

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A King was going to war

A King was going to war but was worried about his beautiful Queen who was horny all the time.

Days prior to the war, he summoned the Royal Inventor and told him to design a chastity belt that will chop off any penis that got near her royal parts.

The Royal Inventor succeeded and the ...

A man tries to get into a club

And the bouncer stops him,
"You can't come in sir, you need to have a tie."
"I don't even own a tie!" The man exclaimed.
"Well you'll have to get one if you want to get in." The bouncer replied.
The man shrugged and went back to his car. After thinking a while, he took the jumper cables ...

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An oldie, but a goodie. [NSFW] [Long]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $100 bills lying on the counter. From the looks of it, there's at least ten grand in the jar. He asks the bartender about it. "It's part of a bet we've got going on," the bartender tells him. "You place $100 in the jar, and then you have to complete ...

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An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this t...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

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Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

Little Johnny is in the classroom, learning how to add

"How much is two plus two, Johnny?" asks the teacher.

Johnny hesitates, looks at his hand, and starts counting with his fingers: "One, two, three,
four!" he exclaims.

"No, no. Johnny," says the teacher. "You can't use your hands. You have to count in your head. So, how much is four ...

Three young priests are sitting in a pub... (NSFW)

They've all recently graduated from the seminary, and they've just been told where they're being sent for their first posting: they've all requested missionary work overseas.

The first one takes a huge swig of his pint and slams it down on the table triumphantly.

"Well, I'm over the mo...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

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Three little people are sitting at a bar.

The first little person says, "I have pretty small feet, more so than anybody else I know. In fact, I think I could make the Guinness World Record for smallest feet."

The second says, "I have never met a grown man as short as I am. I think I'll go to apply with Guinness for the 'world's short...

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A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we ...

A boy is struggling with his exams...

He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some ki...

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An engineer, physicist and mathematician are in an interview (with no accountants) ...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are in an interview.
The engineer is asked, 'What is 2+2?'. The engineer instantly pulls out his calculator, but since its floating point processor firmware has a bug, 2+2 gives him 3.999 which he tells the panel.
The physicist is asked the same q...

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Dad, can I get a motorcycle?

A son comes up to his father on his 15th birthday and says "Dad, can I have a motorcycle?" His dad says "Is your dick long enough to reach your butthole?" The kid looks down ashamed and says "No."

The next year on his birthday the kid comes up and asks the same question. Once again, the da...

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A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the co...

You know the story of the guy who looked pale, right?

This one guy is looking really pale, so his friend tells him ¨dude, you're anemic¨. Of course, our guy doesn't believe this, so his friend says ¨I know about these symptoms, you're definitely anemic¨ and bets him 25 bucks on this. "OK", our guy says, "challenge accepted." Together they go to the doc...

Donald Trump

Trump comes to work in the morning holding a mysterious package. Rushing into the oval office, he calls out to his secretary, “No calls. No interruptions.”

At the end of a long day, the President comes out in a foul mood, walks back to his bedroom and goes right to sleep.

Early the nex...

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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.

"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"

The Gr...

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Man takes the gallon tequila challenge.

A man after work stops by a pub for a drink. After sitting down he notices a sign saying "Finish the gallon tequila challenge and win free drinks for life." When the bartender approached, the man inquired and the bar tender explained, "nobody has ever finished it as of yet. First you must finish a g...

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A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus

When he sits down at the bar, the bartender ask, "Hey, what's the deal with the octopus?"

The man replies, "Oh this? This octopus is amazing. It can play any instrument!"

"Bullshit, " the bartender says. "I bet it can't play this piano!"

The man flops the octopus down onto the b...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

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Pissing on the bar

A guy is hanging out at a bar late one night. He walks up to the bartender and says, "I can piss father and more accurately than anyone in the world. I bet you $100 that I can piss into a glass you put at the other end of the bar without spilling a drop." The bartender looks at him skeptically, but ...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

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A man walks into a bar [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of 20 dollar bills on the table. He asks the bartender what the jar was for.

"We're having a contest" the bartender replies. "You put a 20 dollar bill in the jar and then have to complete 3 challenges. If you can complete them succesfully, you get th...

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Three men...

Once there were three men who walked into an empty clearing in the middle of a huge forest, uncomparable by any means to that of any cluster of trees. However, this clearing had a peculiar item lodged in the ground near the center, a shiny golden lamp. The first of the three men slowly worked on dis...

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Sex mad rooster!

There is this farmer and one day he goes into the chicken coop and the rooster says to him "dude I am gagging for a fuck" so he takes the rooster into the hen hutch next door and closes the door, moments later there is a huge commotion, feathers fly out the window there is raucous clucking and crowi...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

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