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My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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What's the last thing to go through a bug's head when it hits your windshield?

Its ass.

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When Lorena Bobbitt famously cut off her husbands wiener and drove across town with it, she decided to throw it out the car window and when she did it hit the windshield of the car behind her with 2 old ladies in it, the driver said “what kind of bug was that!?” and the passenger said,..

“I don’t know but did you see the dick on that thing?!”

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Getting hit in the balls is more painful then giving birth.

You always hear people saying they want another child but never that they want to be hit in the balls again.

It's yellow, and if it hits you in the eye, you die?

a bulldozer

Somone hit me with a block of cheese yesterday

I turnt arround and said 'That was mature wasn't it? '

My dad always told me "never hit a woman

...unless she's wearing leather"

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

What do you call it when a wizard hits you with a frying pan

Cast iron

What did the VSCO girl say when she got hit by an ice cream truck?

"And I scoop-"

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

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DONT HIT THE BALL!!!

DON'T HIT THE BALL

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beauti...

This was a terrible day... first my ex got hit with by a bus

Then i lost my job as a bus driver...

What did the dinosaur say when the meteor hit?

Meteor-aight imma head out

What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

How does a blind driver know he's hit a person?

He feels the bumps.

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

What were the fish's last words before it hit a wall?

Dam

Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs?

He has a batting cage.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

I just got hit in the head with a can of coke

I’ll be fine because it was a soft drink

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

What do you call it when a robot hits puberty?

- Nuts and bolts.

How come crows never get hit by cars?

Their friends are all up on the power lines yelling "caw caw!"

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

I'm sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend was hit by a bus....

Me: Yeah, but she's got a great personality

While playing golf today I hit two good balls...

...I stepped on a rake.

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Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first?

You don't care.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

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The latest your momma joke to hit the internet...

Your momma has fucked more people than Thomas Cook

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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*hits blunt

Blunt : Hey what the fuck man

*Hits blunt*

Isn’t hail just rain in Braille?

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

When Joe Louis was asked who had hit him the hardest during his boxing career, he replied,

“That’s easy—Uncle Sam!”

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. Finally the last one is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it about 10 feet, walks up and whiffs one swing at it and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet. She walks back to her bag, selects a different club, walks back to the ball and hacks it another 5 feet. She looks...

What sound was made when the airplane hit the trampoline?

Boeing

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

What do you get when you hit Death in the head?

Reaper-cussions

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

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The masochist said, "Hit me!"

The sadist relied, "No"

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

What did the Frenchman say when he got hit by an egg?

Oeuf.

A dad joke for Australian fathers day!

My very popular son keeps getting hit at school.

I told my wife we shouldn't have named him Subscribe.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

Have you ever been hit by a TV?

It hertz.

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

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My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex

Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase

He shouted T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

He said "No, I've got China in my hand."

I almost saw a kid get hit by a car

Luckily I turned away

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Me: *hits friend with a soda can*

Friend: Ouch! Why did you do that?

Me: Stop complaining, it was a soft drink afterall.

*insert Seinfield theme*

A wife talking to her neighbor: Wife: my husband went to get some pasta and got hit with a bus. neighbor: oh God! What did you do?

Wife: I made some fried eggs and Called it a day.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

I think I have a percussion.

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A dildo hits the windshield of a car.

Girl: Mom, what was it?
Mom: nothing sweetheart, just a big insect.
Girl: he had a huge cock though!

Yesterday an aircraft hit my house.

When the officer asked about the damage everything seemed plane obvious to me.


I'm sorry.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

What did Ross tell Rachel when their car accidentally hit a tree?

“I was on the brake!”

Today at the construction site we had an accident. I was hit in the head by a can.

Lucky for me it was a soft drink

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

A young man is taking a driver's test

Instructor: Last question, you see a child and an old man walking across the road. What do you hit?

Young man: I guess I would hit the old man, since the child has his whole life ahead of him, right?

Instructor: Uh, no, you would hit the brakes

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

a man takes a day off work to go golfing

He’s ready to tee off when he hears a frog, “ribbit, 9 iron”

The man is confused, but the frog speaks again, “ribbit, 9 iron”

To prove the frog wrong, the man pulls out his 9 iron and swings at the ball.

Hole in one.

The man bends down and says “you must be a lucky frog...

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree and hit you?

A billiards table

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I told my wife if I caught her fucking The Grateful Dead again, I'd order a mob hit on her.

Now she's sleeping with the Phish.

How do you kill 50 flies at once?

Hit a Somalian child in the face with a shovel.

Never hit a man with glasses

A stick or crowbar will do much more damage

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Gotye burst on to the music scene a couple of years ago with a chart topping hit...

but now he’s somebody that i used to know.

Two men in the woods

These 2 guys are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it. The first guy says to the second "I wonder how deep this hole is" "I don't know, let's find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom", says the second. So they go ...

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I got hit by a rental car today

It really Hertz.

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What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

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