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Hit Jokes

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,...

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees

Sycamore

I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules

It’s okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

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What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree and hit you?

A billiards table

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

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Three young men hit on a hot woman at a club.

After a few drinks and a lot of small talk, she brings them back to her place and says she's going to change into something more comfortable. When she reappears, she's wearing a skintight leather suit.

"You boys want to know what I do for fun?" she asks, a malicious grin creeping across her f...

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested..

As he was getting arrested he kept saying “do you know who I am???”

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Why did the condom hit the roof?

It was pissed off!

I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99

I hit it off with a girl I met at my African language class

We just clicked!

"Hello, 911? I want to report a hit and run"

Dispatcher: What was the make and model of the vehicle?

Me: It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.

Dispatcher: How do you spell that?

Me: Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

A women was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

Don't you dare hit that drum again!

If you do, there will be repercussions!

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

Why do we hit things when they don't work?

Because it worked with slavery

What happens when you hit someone at a high frequency

It hertz

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

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I hit two good balls out golfing today.

I stepped on the bunker rake.

Never hit a man with eyeglasses

Use your fist instead.

>Enthusiastically told by my 6 year old brother, I thought it was worth sharing.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

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I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

I've been hitting the gym for the last 3 hours.

Boy... my fist hurt. Barely made a dent.

I tried to hit on an IT woman

After three attempts she locked me out.

A golfer teed off, and his ball sliced off into the woods. He teed off a second time and the ball sliced, but hit a tree, ricocheted, and hit him in the head, killing him.

Suddenly he was standing in front of the Pearly Gates. Not expecting the golfer, Saint Peter looked at him and said, “How did you get here?” The golfer said, “In two.”

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A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.

That Motherfucker

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

There are three words to make a man hit rock bottom.

“Is it in?”

I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn…

I was walking down the street today and got hit by a violin and then a clarinet, and then a French horn.

I believe it was orchestrated!

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

An aircraft hit our house last night

My wife’s fault, she left the landing light on.

"Pack your bags, honey, I've hit the lottery!"

"What should I pack?"
"Everything! You're moving out!"

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He..really gets a kick out of it.

Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history

He also caught that ball

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE)

Because swift never misses.

After playing racquetball at the gym, two guys hit the shower and were getting changed...

and the first guy was putting on a bra. The second guy looked surprised and asked "How long have you been wearing a bra?" The first guy answers "Ever since my wife found it under the bed".

What did the Baker say when he hit his head?

D’OH!

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

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I've just bought the vinyl of Prince's greatest hits

Cost me twenty quid!

But fuck it, I'm gonna party like it was £19.99

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

A blizzard hit a remote prison way up in the mountains, the faculty were all evacuated but there was no time to save all the inmates.

After the weather calmed down, the roads were snowed over, and would be impassable until the thaw come springtime. Rescuers were flown in to find the the inmates had all perished due to the unbearable cold. It seemed the only think left to do was to remove the bodies to give closure to the families ...

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

My insurance agent asked if I had ever hit a deer.

I told him that I had but in my defense he swung first.

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Did you hear about the Indian who's gotten hit by a train 5 times?

Reincarnation is a bitch.

One day, Chuck Norris was hit by a car

He then rushed the car to the nearest garage and paid for it's repair.

I just got hit by a Subaru

I’m seeing stars

This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....

I said, “Is that a fret?”

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A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...

She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.

She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her...

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

My bully got hit by a car

Some people call it a tragedy, I call it getting your moneys worth

What does a duck say when it gets hit by an avocado truck?

"Guac, guac!"

I made a drink called Hit The Road Jack

It's Jack Daniels mixed with methanol.

(Blind jokes are the best kind)

I think my doctor is hitting on me.

She said I had a cute liver failure.

I just got back from my friend's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball...

It was a lovely service.

Hit me with your best Dad jokes?

What does a person with two left feet wear?

FLIP FLIPS!

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

I hit a minor for the first time today

I think I will like playing the guitar

Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car?

He was flattered.

A tree will never hit you

They're all bark and no bite

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

What do you call a bird that hits the gym?

A jacked sparrow!

[Long] A man was playing golf one sunny afternoon when he hit his ball into a pond.

As he approached the water to retrieve his ball, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad.
To his surprise, the frog spoke up and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm not actually a frog. I'm a beautiful princess under a curse. If you kiss me, I'll transform back into my true form, and I'll be for...

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

If two Homeless people are hitting each other with a cardboard boxes...

Is it a pillow fight?

Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do?

Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?

Man takes his wife golfing

An old man goes golfing every weekend. His wife always complains about his going and leaving her alone. So one weekend he says “Why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you how to play.” She agrees and on the first hole, a par 4 with a dog leg, she asks “ok, what do I do?” He says “you see that fla...

Breaking News: Local man hit his wife with a power cell which had its top and bottom coated in electrolytes

He has been arrested for a salt-end battery.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

I hit a clown car once. I faced 10 counts of manslaughter.

Damn autocorrect. I meant man's laughter. Everyone was fine.

A policeman runs over to a hit-and-run victim, who says “My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!”

The cop says, “That car hit you from behind. How do you know it was your mother-in-law?” The victims says, “I recognize the laugh.”

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An elderly man and his wife buy an RV to hit the road and see the world.

They stop at a gas station and the friendly attendant strikes up a conversation. He asks where they’re headed. The wife is hard of hearing so she asks what the man said and her husband tells her. Then the guy asks how far they’re planning to go. The wife again asks her husband what the man said and ...

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Said the masochist to the sadist: "Oh hit me, hurt me, oh please just use me"

Said the sadist to the masochist: ... no

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

Why shouldn’t boats hit certain islands?

It takes atoll on them.

In which European country it hurts more to be hit?

The Netherlands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

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A dildo hits a family car...

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

what happens when an amputee tries to hit you?

no 'arm done

Hit a pothole and blew out a tire today

Ba-Dum-Bum-TSS

hit me with your best yo momma joke. I'll go first.

Yo momma so nasty even the crabs done migrated.

I'm here to do two things: Make love, and sing hit songs from the 80s...

...And I'm all out of love! I'm so lost without you!

After the earthquake hit, the local juvenile detention center reported...

... a number of minor injuries.

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When an insect hits your windshield at 75 MPH, what is the last thing that goes through its’ mind ?

Its’ asshole

Did you hear about the bread knife that did a hit and run?

It was in car serrated

what's it called when a Archer can never hit his shots

Projectile dysfunction

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane...

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane. Many of the buildings and homes in Destin were damaged. The "Gulfarium", which had opened a few years earlier, was largely undamaged. Their diesel generators were meant for the numerous fish and marine mammals, but could easily han...

What sound did the plane make when it hit the trampoline?

*BOEING!*

I Hit A Pole While Driving In Europe Once

I'm now wanted in Poland for manslaughter.

What were dinosaurs called before the meteors hit?

Live-osaurs

I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.

A massive earthquake hit California due to the San Andreas line opening up and destroying everything

No foreign aid was granted because according to the UN
"It was their own damn fault"

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

I thought life couldn’t get any worse after I hit rock bottom

Until rock bottom’s dad turned up and started hitting me back…

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