A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish...

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

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A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.

That Motherfucker

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car

Yeah he was playing on the road again

What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow?

Splyat.

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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An e-girl hit my dms and asked if I wanted to buy nudes.

I said nah I'm broke I don't have any money. She said cmon they're really cheap. And I said no Im still broke and she said pleeeeeeeaaaase it's only 3.50 and then I realized that this e-girl was about 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era. I said dammit Loch Ness monster I ain't...

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I imagine when viagra first hit shelves, it was met with applause

Only, not the clapping of hands.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on the knee to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

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So Whats Protocol When A Plane Gets Hit By lightning (man asks)

(Pilot) Oh shit

What did Saint Andrew say when the big earthquake hit California?

my fault




(San Andreas is Spanish for Saint Andrew)

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

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My wife got pissed and threw a large bottle of Omega 3-which hit me in the head

I’m Ok, I just got super-fish-oil injuries

What did fish say when it hit the wall?

Damn!

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so....

I saw two homeless hitting each other with cardboards

I yelled “pillow fight!!!”

A rabbit was hit by a car, killing it instantly...

Saddened by this, an animal lover ran over to it and sprayed it with an aerosol can. Immediately the rabbit got up, bounce three times and waved, bounced three times and waved, bounce three times and waved. A person watching all this happen went to the lady to see what it was that got the rabbit to ...

A man is arrested after nearly being hit by a taxi

He was charged with tax-evasion

Man car naps just hit different,

When you’re the one driving.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt, and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punch line.

What did the captain if the Titanic do when he found out the ship hit an iceberg?

He let it sink in.

I saw a clairvoyant smiling, so I hit them.

I always like to strike a happy medium.

What does it feel like to get hit by a wave frequency?

It hurtz

Things that hit different when drunk

My dad

An orchestra was hit by lightning

Only the conductor died

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head.

She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance.

But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”

To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a living.”

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.

On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

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*Hits Blunt*

Blunt: Hey what the fuck man

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

I was researching infinity until it hit me...

that endeavor would take me forever

I saw my ex get hit by a bus today,

and I thought “wow, that could’ve been me.”

Then I remembered I don’t have a license to drive a bus!

A Hunter and his Friend go Hunting in the Woods. His Friend accidentally trips and hits his head.

The Man hurried to call 911.

911: 911, What's your Emergency?

Hunter: My Friend tripped and hit his head and he is not moving. What do I do?

911: Ok, Don't Panic. First, make sure if he is dead.

Hunter: Ok. *Long Pause* *Gunshot*
What Next?

A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were fishing together when a sudden storm hit.

When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone...

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

"STOP HITTING YOURSELF, STOP HITTING YOURSELF" the bully chanted

But I could not, for he popped off my prosthetics

Doctor to patient with gash on forehead: "What was the last thing you heard before the helicopter rotor hit you?"

"Someone shouting 'Duck, duck go!'"

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

Marriage is about accepting each other’s flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.

If my wife farts, she calls me disgusting and hits me.

A persistent banker wouldn't stop hitting on me!

Even after I asked him to leave me a loan.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a...

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

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Bathroom sex hits differently...

In prison though.

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

I couldn’t understand why so many people liked Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure part 5. Most of the lines aren’t even delivered that well. But then it hit me...

It’s not delivery, it’s Giorno.

I got hit in the head when someone threw a can of cod liver oil at me yesterday...

Luckily the damage was just super fish oil

If I had a nickel for every time I accidentally hit enter instead of a comma

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

I tried hitting on my barber the other day

I walked in and asked "Hey, do you comb hair often?"

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

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A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me, you’re jumpy aren't you, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

I saw a rat , so i found a bat and started hitting.

My son was crying , I'm banned from chucky cheese's.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

My Friend: How did you get hit on the head by a book?

Me: I only have myshelf to blame

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

What did a drunk guy say to a deaf guy who accidentally hit him with his elbow?

"Hey, watch your language!"

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

A few days ago, i saw my ex got hit with a bus, and i thought “damn, that could have been me!”

But i rememberd i have no driving license

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus.

Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality.

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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear war. But hit them with a newspaper and they die.

See how dangerous the media is?

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

A taxi passenger

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate...

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

Don't you dare hit that drum again!

If you do, there will be repercussions!

I was one step away from hitting the rock bottom

His bodyguard caught me, Dwayne is a well protected man

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

A local general store was held up today, the attacker was overpowered by the brave assistant who hit the guy with her labelling gun...

Police are looking for the would- be robber and say there is now a price on the mans head..

My friend got hit in the head with an icicle, and now it's bruising really bad.

I wanted to help, but he didn't seem to like it when I told him to put some ice on it.

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

People are crazy in Michigan; protesting Covid-19 despite being one of the hardest hit states?

There must be something in the water.

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering

and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.” “I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically .”Oh, he's not dead.”, replies the girl, “Just very condescending.”

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

Will you get married?

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even a...

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

Its asshole.

Credit to my dad many, many years ago.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

What sound does an airplane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing!

I don't know about you but in these sad, desperate times, I've hit a wall so many times...

...that now more than ever, I deserve to board the Hogwarts express.

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A priest, a doctor and redditor

A priest, a doctor and a redditor are waiting at a bus stop one evening. A man comes around the corner with a baseball bat and proceeds to scream at and hit each lamp post as he goes, except for one old lamp post at the end of the road which he places his hand on and smiles.

The priest shake...

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