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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

Did you hear about the man who got hit by rocks while riding a donkey?

He was stoned off his ass...

A car hit me once

but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

I was walking home last night and someone threw a block of cheese out the window and it hit me on the head...

I turned and shouted "That wasn't very mature was it?"

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits a windshield?

It’s ass

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

I fell down and hit my head pretty hard but I’m fine...

The only thing is I lost hearing in my right eye.

Have you ever been hit by a TV?

It hertz.

My very popular son keeps getting hit at school.

I told my wife we shouldn't have named him Subscribe.

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

What sound was made when the airplane hit the trampoline?

Boeing

What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?

Boeing, boeing

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*hits blunt

Blunt : Hey what the fuck man

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

What did the Frenchman say when he got hit by an egg?

Oeuf.

A dad joke for Australian fathers day!

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

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The masochist said, "Hit me!"

The sadist relied, "No"

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

My Friend Have An Alarm Clock You Hit Powerfully And It Snoozes Longer

I Tried With Mine And It Work My Is On Snooze Permanently!

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My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex

Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

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My sexy Latina neighbor accused me of stealing her underwear and got so angry she hit me with a baseball bat

I was so scared I almost shat in her pants

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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

I got hit in the head with a Diet Pepsi yesterday.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

Me: *hits friend with a soda can*

Friend: Ouch! Why did you do that?

Me: Stop complaining, it was a soft drink afterall.

*insert Seinfield theme*

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

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What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph?

It’s butt.

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

I almost saw a kid get hit by a car

Luckily I turned away

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A dildo hits the windshield of a car.

Girl: Mom, what was it?
Mom: nothing sweetheart, just a big insect.
Girl: he had a huge cock though!

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum.

I think I have a percussion.

What did Ross tell Rachel when their car accidentally hit a tree?

“I was on the brake!”

Why did the bungee jumper hit the ground?

He didn't pay a tension.

Today at the construction site we had an accident. I was hit in the head by a can.

Lucky for me it was a soft drink

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

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I told my wife if I caught her fucking The Grateful Dead again, I'd order a mob hit on her.

Now she's sleeping with the Phish.

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

Gotye burst on to the music scene a couple of years ago with a chart topping hit...

but now he’s somebody that i used to know.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

I hit a tomato and ran.

The tomato started running after me but it couldn't ketchup.

What sound does a sheep, drum, and snake make when they hit the ground?

Baa Dum Tss

Never hit a man with glasses

A stick or crowbar will do much more damage

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

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My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

Was hit over the head with a power tool yesterday.

I was standing there, minding my own business, then 'Bosch'

I got hit by a rental car today

It really Hertz.

Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus

and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them takes a stick, draws a line in the sand, and says to the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

I never hit my children

one of the good things about not bein there

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Testicle torture enthusiasts after a long day:

“Aah time to hit the sack.”

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

Did you hear about the screenwriter who was so distracted from working on a screenplay in his head, he stepped into a crosswalk and got hit by a hit-and-run driver?

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree and hit you?

A billiards table

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Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

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Some bloke at the bus station hit me with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.


Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador as well.

Dwayne Johnson's mom was going through a really bad time in her life after she spanked her son

She had just hit rock bottom.

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A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

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I was watching this animal instructor show off this monkey. The monkey began acting up, and that's when shit hit the fan.

Even the janitor refused to clean up the mess...

Breaking News: Chris Brown has made another hit.

And in other news, his new song is selling well.

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What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

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You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

If someone got hit by a ton of bricks and survived,

how would they describe it?

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A blind porn star died yesterday from being hit in the head by a glass dildo

She didnt see it cumming

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

What was Elvis Presley's last greatest hit?

The bathroom floor.

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