I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

How did Mike Tyson feel after being hit by Mjolnir?

Thor.

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?

Boeing

If someone got hit by a ton of bricks and survived,

how would they describe it?

What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

​

He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have ...

Today was a terrible day, my Ex got hit by a bus

and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why did the dolphin rider get arrested for hit and run?

Because he did it on porpoise.
















( I know dolphins aren't porpoises)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

So I hit another vehicles bumper the other day, so we both pulled over to the side of the road. The driver got out. I noticed he was a dwarf, he shouted, "I'm not happy!"

I replied, "then which one are you?"

How do you know you’ve hit Rock bottom?

When He turns around and smacks you back

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masochist : Hit me..

Sadist : No.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, someone gets hit by a vehicle every 60 seconds

Poor bastard

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head...

It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda?

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

I had to tell my neighbour this morning i hit her cat

She asked " is it bad"

I said "well, it broke my cricket bat in half"

I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

Hit on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mottingham Road closed after man in 70s hit by car.

Fuck me, I though they'd have opened it by now.

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war, and then pepper spray by a police officer.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

I heard that BBC is making a prequel to Pride and Prejudice that follows the Bennet girls when they hit puberty

It's a period drama.

Why does police hit percentage start to drop in the later time of the day?

Because they can't see the black guy

Why did Mickey Mouse get hit with a snowball?

Because Donald ducked.

I was planning to hit my girl while we watched a movie

But she beat me to it

What did the frequency say when it was hit?

Ouch it Hz

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a redneckwho hit every black man he saw with his truck.

One day he saw a priest walking down the road and thought, "For all the bad things I done, let me give this priest a ride." So he picked the priest up and they drove along. The redneck saw a black guy down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep and so the priest would think it was an a...

What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell from a tree and hit you?

A billiards table

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

What was Elvis Presley's last greatest hit?

The bathroom floor.

I saw a multicolored sea cow get hit by a boat

Oh the Hue Manatee!

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

I was walking home and someone threw a block of cheese out of their window hit me on the head

I turned and shouted that wasn’t very mature was it

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

What do you call it when you hit someone with a salt shaker?

A salt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman pregnant with twins is in a bank when two masked men enter with shotguns, a shot goes off and the woman is hit in the stomach by two stray pellets in the crossfire.

The woman goes to the doctors and they tell her that the pellets hit the unborn infants but that they would be ok, they'll just naturally pass the pellets as they get older. Years pass and the now mother is approached by her daughter "Mom, Mom I was on the toilet and a pellet came out!" The mother t...

Why did the skeleton hit the party solo?

He had no body to go with him.

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh

It was ironically a Dodge

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.

The driver walked away without injury though.

I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of nuns got hit by a bus and died.

On heavens gate, st. Peter stopped them and told them to get in line and said: "Sisters, wash your sins away in this bowl of holy water, and you can step into heaven!"

First nun:"st.Peter, i've sinned. I once saw a penis."

St.Peter:"Then wash your eyes, and go in, sister!"

Secon...

Remember Hurricane Sandy that hit New York a couple years ago? They made a mixed drink after it

It’s pretty much a watered down manhattan

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

What does the Jewish man say after he gets hit by a Volkswagon?

Ow-schwitz. Budumpchhhhh



Thank you, ill be here all week.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
...

What is the last thing that goes through a bee's head when it hits the windshield?

His ass.

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

I got hit by a car on my way to my graduation.

The worst part is, I had the right of passage

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, ...

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

-Santa's sleigh was hit by a car. Several deers died. What is left?

-The remaindeer

For $10,000,000, would you let 50 people hit you?

Great! Here comes the punchline

Sucky got hit by a car

Sucky was the family cat. He enjoyed hunting mice, birds, and even snakes on occasion as well as cuddling up to his human family. Ten years ago, a son is woken up by his mother to get ready for school, but this morning was different than the others. The mother was in tears, "Sucky got hit by a car."...

What do you call a French general after being hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown-aparte

Did you hear about the guy that got hit by a train?

He didnt hear the end of it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

What do you get when you hit a poodle with a bulldozer?

A puddle

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

The driver from a Hit and Run was arrested

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : it was snowing, the ground was slippery, I was, I was..

Detective : those are just excuses buddy.. Tell me, was this on purpose?

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna hi...

My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

What happened to Moses when he hit puberty?

Hegrew.

An English man was left in a vegetative state after being hit by a car, bus, tractor and trailer.

It was an Oxford Coma.

What happens when a high frequency wave hits you?

It hertz.

Every song, depending on preference, can be considered a hit

Except when it comes from Chris brown, then it’s just a punch.

A blind man got hit by a tsunami

He didn’t sea it coming

Photons from a rainbow hit you at almost 300 million m/s and you don’t even flinch

I guess they are pretty light

There’s one good thing about being hit in the head with a bottle of Coca Cola

It’s a soft drink

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.

They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.

The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when h...

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

I hit a Turkey..

and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop and he pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl and her dad are driving around, when an aisle of women leaving a fashion show suddenly walk onto the road, nearly being hit by them.

Girl says: "That was pretty fucking clothes."

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.

​

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Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from...

My friend got hit with a window installment falling on his lower back the other day

Said it was a huge pane in the ass