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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

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*Hits Blunt*

Blunt: Hey what the fuck man

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A passenger taps a taxi drivers on his shoulder. The driver shits himself with shock, swerves nearly hitting a bus and stops inches from a shop window.

"Fuck me, you’re jumpy aren't you, I only tapped your shoulder" says the passenger.

"Sorry," says the cabby, "It's my first day. I've been driving a Hearse for 20 years."

I tried hitting on my barber the other day

I walked in and asked "Hey, do you comb hair often?"

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

My Friend: How did you get hit on the head by a book?

Me: I only have myshelf to blame

Hit it on the head

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s th...

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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear war. But hit them with a newspaper and they die.

See how dangerous the media is?

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

What did the Bostonian zookeeper say when the monkey hit him in the junk?

Macaque!

I was one step away from hitting the rock bottom

His bodyguard caught me, Dwayne is a well protected man

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Policeman: Im very sorry Ma'am, but it looks like your husband got hit by a bus.

Lady: Im aware of that sir, but John has a wonderful personality.

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

My friend got hit in the head with an icicle, and now it's bruising really bad.

I wanted to help, but he didn't seem to like it when I told him to put some ice on it.

A local general store was held up today, the attacker was overpowered by the brave assistant who hit the guy with her labelling gun...

Police are looking for the would- be robber and say there is now a price on the mans head..

Don't you dare hit that drum again!

If you do, there will be repercussions!

What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?

Road krill!

A young man and woman hit it off at a gathering

and the conversation soon turns to talking about their families. The girl sighs and says, “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us.” “I’m sorry”, the boy says sympathetically .”Oh, he's not dead.”, replies the girl, “Just very condescending.”

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

People are crazy in Michigan; protesting Covid-19 despite being one of the hardest hit states?

There must be something in the water.

What was David Bowies last hit?

Probably heroin

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

I don't know about you but in these sad, desperate times, I've hit a wall so many times...

...that now more than ever, I deserve to board the Hogwarts express.

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?

Its asshole.

Credit to my dad many, many years ago.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

What sound does an airplane make when it hits the ground?

Boeing!

What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

Dam.

What would you call a gong that honks every time you hit?

Honk Gong

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

I haven't showered since COVID-19 hit the US . . .

Not because I'm lazy, it really helps with the social distancing . . .

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.

So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

You know the industry hit hardest by coronavirus?

Home invasion.

The coronavirus actually hits children the hardest with singing.

No one can touch their eyes and ears and mouth and nose.

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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What's the last thing to pass through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a speeding car?

It's ass.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

I got really mad when a friend made a joke about hitting his funny bone...

Somehow, he just really struck a nerve.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and s...

A man hit my wife

I sued him for property damage

An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers

Because paper beats rock.

What animal is best at hitting a baseball?

A bat.

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?

*PTUUI*

It makes sense that venice has been hit hard by the virus.

where else can you be guaranteed that they won't run out of face masks?

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

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My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she is a great mother, and is super nice.

Do you know about that fascist dictator who decided to hit the gym and got some awesome gains?

Benito Muscle-ini

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A prostitute gets hit by a car...

Luckily a doctor was nearby and comes over.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Says the doctor

"OH FUCK I'M PARALYZED" the prostitute exclaims.

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

After I hit the lowest point of my life, my mother told me

" Son, even if everyone gave up on you, you can never ever give up on yourself. Do you understand?

" Yes."I was deeply moved.

My mom turned around, she looked at my dad and said: " Yeah he knows, we can go now"

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Who says you can't lose weight by hitting the gym?

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

What's the difference between an officer and a bullet?

The bullet stops after it hits you once.

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”?

A) Gees


B) Gees


C) Gees


D) Gees

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

A man is hit by a car on a crosswalk.

The driver gets out in a hurry and asks "Are you alright?"

The victim replied "No, I think you broke my arm."

The driver points out towards a medical clinic; "You're lucky, there's a doctor there that can help you!"

The victim makes a sarcastic face.

"I know, I'm the doct...

If you go in for surgery now the anesthesiologist will offer to knock you out with gas or hit you over the head with a boat paddle.

It’s an ether/oar situation

(Ether is the name of the gas used)

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball..

It was a lovely service..

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments

She had a history of violins

My wife told me to pack my bags and hit the road because me being a literalist was bad for her.

Then she yelled at me, but I’m not sure if it was because I only brought grocery bags with me or the fact that I should have used the baseball bat, and not the hammer

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st?

The leaf, A rope stops the Emo

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Did you all hear about the new drug that hit the streets

Its a generic Viagra, called micocksafloppin

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Sirius B is moving towards us at 10 km per second at may get the latin name "tribulatio" ( trouble ) and may hit an outer the outer planet Uranus one day.

We have Sirius trouble in Uranus

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.

A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"

"It's hard to say."
.
. ...

I couldn't remember where I threw my boomerang...

And then it hit me.

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

Someone hit me in the head with a block of cheese

Man that really rinds my ears.

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it's actually the lowest I've ever been.

Turns out substance abuse isn't a joke.

Coronavirus has hit Italy hard.

That's 6 people who have pasta way.

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

What did the Irish Redditor say to the leprechaun after it got hit by a car bomb?

Wow, that blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer".

When I was in 2nd grade, my dog Brick was hit by a car and killed, and my mom tried to console me. She said, "He's probably already in Heaven with God."

I said, "Why would God want a dead dog?"

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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2 lovers are walking by a grave site when the mood hits them ....

They can't contain themselves and decided to duck into the yard for a little enjoyment of each other. Looking around they decided to head over to one of the flat stones on the ground and do their business. A few days later the woman complained about her lower back hurting, being that she was mainl...

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My friend was having a really bad stomachache so he hit his belly with a shoe

It really kicked the shit out of him

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

What do you call atoning for your sins by hitting the gym every day?

Ab solution

Dad's are like boomerangs

They come back and hit you

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What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, \-WHAM!\- "FUCK!"

The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" \-WHAM!\-

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Yesterday I hit my face on the door and yelled “I think I have a bloody nose!”

My British friend got upset and said “I know you have a nose dumbass.”

Let us revive and old one.

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, clo...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona

when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin ...

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A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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