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Winner Jokes

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Lottery winner

Man comes home from work yelling honey honey I just won the lottery pack your bags.

Wife yells down what am I packing for the beach, the mountains, a cruise.

He yells back up. I don't care just get the hell out

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

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Nobel Prize winner is dying (long)

A Nobel Prize winning professor is on his deathbed, losing and regaining consciousness every few minutes. Apart from his immediate family, all his graduate students are around as well.

The professor regains consciousness and looks at the bookshelf near him… He goes: “What are these books?”...

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A winner joke

What's excessive male masturbation called?

A-dick-tion

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Saul, the Jewish Lottery Winner

So Saul, a 90-year-old Jew, wins the $300 million lottery. He's at the news conference to accept the check, and the reporters ask him if there's anyone he'd like to thank.

"Yes," he says solemnly. "I'd like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my brother David...

Lottery winner

Husband gets home in a very good mood. He calls his wife and says:

\- Woman, pack your bags! You're going on a trip! I won the lottery!!!

\- Oh honey, that's fantastic!! But what kind of clothes should I pack for this trip? For warm weather, cold weather?

\- It doesn't matter, a...

Winner winner chicken dinner

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"There's a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until yo...

In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.

When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”

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Winner

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week'...

Beauty contests are becoming a popular way to promote things. For instance, the winner of the Trigonometry Club's beauty pageant was crowned....

Miss Calculation.

Tour Leader pageant winner:
Miss Guided

Encyclopedia Brittanica pageant winner:
Miss Information

Nobel Physiology prize winner To Youyou has been internationally accepted.....

.....as the worst person to have to sing "Happy Birthday" to!

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

What did the winner of the farting competition say?

"I knew I had it in me"

Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

Be a winner. Never, ever take drugs.

Sell them.

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

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Derby winner Medina Spirit turned down an invite to Mira Lago...

...saying if he wanted to see a horse's ass he would have come in second.

What did the winner of the race lose?

His breath.

People with bad teeth are the real winners

They even have the plaque to prove it

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

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The farmer sells his horse for $2000 to a buyer at the market.

The farmer initially promises to deliver the horse to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the horse dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of...

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Lottery Winner!

A woman whips her car into the driveway, rushes inside and yells upstairs to her husband, “Hey, pack your bags! I hit the lottery!”
He yells down, “No shit? What should I pack, mountain clothes or beach clothes?” She says, “I don’t care what you pack. Just get the hell out!”

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

Hide and go seek winner

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?Last years hide and go seek winner

Never trust an Oscar award winner

They’re always acting out.

Winner! Winner! Chicken dinner!

A guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a chicken darts into the road ahead of him. He swerves to miss it but is pretty sure he hit it. When he looks in the rearview mirror, though, he doesn't see the chicken. When he looks back forward, he sees that the chicken is running ahead of the ca...

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The Lottery Winner

So I had sex with a millionaire a few months ago. She actually won the money from a scratch off. Now there’s something that money does to people in bed that you wouldn’t expect, they get rougher. Maybe they figure “if I kill the guy I can just pay his family off”. But no she got very rough. She kept...

So, why isn't 3 the only winner?

Because 0 1 2.

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck

A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine."
The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine."
The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way."
"The ol...

The Lotto Winner

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife

“What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“I’d take my half and leave you” she says.

"Great” he says.

“I won $12 yesterday! Here's $6. Stay in touch!

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

What do an umbrella and the 12th Academy Award winner have in common?

They're both gone with the wind.

Winners write history

And losers like to point this out

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

And the winner of this year’s national nepotism award goes to...

My son, for the third year running

With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you’re on, I think we can all safely say...

Thanks, Obama.

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[nsfw] The winner takes it all

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking.

Who's the only person over 58kg to ride a Melbourne Cup winner?

Chris Munce's cellmate.

In adultery there are no winners

But taking part is more important than winning

A secretary is helping her boss sort through job applications to pick a winner

The first thing the boss does is close his eyes, pick out 5 at random, and throw them in the trash. Puzzled, the secretary asks "why did you do that?"

The boss responds, "I dont want to hire an unlucky person"

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

There's a winner of a recent dance competition who just got exposed as a huge racist.

She had alt the right moves.

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

What did the Russian Olympic medal winners prove?

There was Russian medaling.

Why are all immigrants to Finland winners?

Because they all crossed the Finnish line.

A first place winner at the International Pun Contest

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells he...

A lottery winner celebrates by buying himself a Rolls-Royce and membership of the local golf club.

Obviously when he gets the car he has to drive it straight round to the golf club and make sure all the members get to see it, and he's ostentatiously buying drinks for the whole bar but sticking to lemonade himself because he's "got to drive the Roller home later, you know", and when it's time to g...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

What's the only place where quitters are winners?

Rehab

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!

- Anthony Jeselneck

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The winners write the history books...

I guess the prize for winning is a boring-ass job?

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

My dad's the real winner of this election...

He passed away last week.

A man bids on a rare antique, item 23 in the catalogue, upon which he is incorrectly named the winner of the auction; the error is fixed five seconds later

Won two three for five secs.

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

What do a Nobel prize winner and an everyday farmer have in common?

Both are outstanding in their field

Two Mexicans had a sword fight. The winner raised his sword and said

"There can only be Juan."

Why was Trump going to be the winner in the past election?

Because orange is the new black.

The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's ass, I would've come in second".

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

There was a competition and the winner got the worlds best cuts of meat

All you had to do was jump up and grab one of the ribeyes they had dangling ten feet off the ground. If you missed you had to be a vegetarian for the rest of your life.

I didn’t do it though I couldn’t handle the pressure,
The steaks were too high.

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner said “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager...

What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion?

Little miss conception

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You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.

Not even my virginity.

And the winner of the 2016 presidential election is Hillary!

- Steve Harvey

What award was given to the best knock-knock joke winner?

The No-Bell prize.

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

Who was the winner of the first Tour De France?

The Wehrmacht Tank division.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Thankfully in divorce court, there is always two winners!

The lawyers.

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

Nobel Prize winners are a lot like farmers

Oftentimes they are outstanding in their field.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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