UPJOKE
suffermissmisplacewinforgetdropkeepmislayoverlookdeclineletleavefailmaintainspoil

Losing Jokes

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.
upvote downvote report

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

Losing his load

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the t...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I kept losing my wristwatch

I've got no time for this.

Why's the pediatrician always losing his temper?

He had little patients
upvote downvote report

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
upvote downvote report

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"
upvote downvote report

A man is losing his mind and his hair…

When he looks at himself in the mirror, the man is upset to see his once flowing locks are now but a thinning patch. His adoring wife is slowly losing interest as her once Fabio-looking groom is aging quickly.

Determined to regain his confidence and looks, the man tries everything. First he r...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...
upvote downvote report

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
upvote downvote report

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...
upvote downvote report

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.
upvote downvote report

My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
upvote downvote report

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m not losing my hair as I get older

It’s just growing out of my back and ass instead.

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.
upvote downvote report

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing

So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, my love?” But she didn’t respond.

So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, “Can you hear me, sweetie?”

When she didn’t say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and a...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the Norse god who couldn't stop losing hair?

His name was Balder
upvote downvote report

Why did bullet end up losing his job?

Because he got fired
upvote downvote report

When I was young, losing teeth would earn me money.

Now I'm old, earning money will gain me teeth.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m writing a book on losing your virginity

It’s important to put it in the first person

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
upvote downvote report

My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair

I told her I had noticed but hadn’t wanted to say anything..

She asked me where had I noticed it?

I told her that her mustache seemed thinner…
upvote downvote report

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing it guys vs girls (NSFW)

"Losing your virginity to an asshole" is an unfortunate event for girls but a damn good one for guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Theme parks are like losing your virginity.

You wait ages for a ride, and it’s over in 30 seconds. And you’re probably not the first one on the ride.

Why is lipstick losing market share in the makeup industry?

Because we live in a mask era.
upvote downvote report

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.

When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, ...
upvote downvote report

Losing a wife can be hard.

In my case, it was almost impossible.
upvote downvote report

Did you hear the French rioted in the streets after losing the World Cup?

When is society going to come to terms with the fact that these anti-FIFA activists are bad for civil society?
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about Bruce Banner losing his temper at the Avengers' pool party?

He made a Hulk Splash
upvote downvote report

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the
range of her hearing."

That night, h...
upvote downvote report

What’s worse than losing $100?

Losing the game.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing Her Virginity

A woman was talking to her mother on her first visit home since starting college.

"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasura...

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t eat the cake
upvote downvote report

I'm constantly losing my jello

I mean I can't remember where I keep pudding it.
upvote downvote report

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...
upvote downvote report

What’s the difference between losing a van and losing a painting?

You’ll either be asking “Where’d the van go?” or “Where’d the Van Gogh go?”
upvote downvote report

What's worse than losing all of your arms and legs?

Living in ohio
upvote downvote report

I buy and sell old adding machines for profit but lately I've been losing money.

Something's not adding up.
upvote downvote report

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case
upvote downvote report

TIL there's a scientific term for aquatic mammals losing their fur through evolution

It's called Whale Pattern Baldness.
upvote downvote report

Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...

I'll never forget you, Brian..
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

What do you call it when a fat guys loses his patience?

Losing wait :)
upvote downvote report

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information