This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has a nut allergy and decided to spread peanut butter on his dick to make it swell

…He calls it anaphylactic cock

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Why couldn't the bicycle make it up the steep hill?

It was two tired.

Why is it religious ships never make it far from port?

Because they are holy

They said I'd never make it as a screenwriter, but I just signed a multi-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'm going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France.

I fell.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A colon in a sentence can make it memorable

Jane ate her friend's lunch.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

See what I mean?

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

If a class going to cosmetology school can’t make it because of a snow storm…

Do they have a make up day?

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Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time?

A shartcut

I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory

boss said I didn't have enough Grit

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How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi


Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

What does kfc use to make its popcorn chicken?

Chicken colonels.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

If we make it past 2020, I'll be dreading 2022.

After all, 2022 is 2020, too!

here was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.

The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

How do you take something public and make it into something close to private?

Remove the L

Some people say: Fake it 'til you Make it!

None of them are bomb technicians.

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

They told me I would never make it as a comedian

Well, no one's laughing now

What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn't make it on time?

Omelette

i have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth

it only took me a minotaur two

What do you call a guy who fails to make it onto the Houston baseball team?

Astro, not.

Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.

So instead, a sub Reddit.

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My girlfriend wanted me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times then slapped her.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

What happened when the ghost couldn't make it to the bathroom?

He sheet himself!

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

I used to make it rain at my last job

until customers complained about being hit with quarters

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

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MAKE IT SPECIAL.

A rich man(John) brings his newly hired assistant (Ken) to a Japanese restaurant for lunch.

John: Hey Ken, get me the special udon.

Ken: What do you mean by special udon, boss?

John: Stupid ! Special udon means udon with two extra rice balls.

Ken: Yes, boss. I got it....

If something won’t work, make it work

Just like the Gulag

How did the deaf gynecologist make it to the top of his profession?

He's a great lip reader.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

You just learned you have 6 months to live. When is the best time to get that news to make it seemingly last the longest?

March 2020.

I submitted ten puns to r/Jokes, hoping one would make it to the front page.

But no pun in ten did

A nurse walks towards a man informing him his wife didn’t make it while giving him the baby.

He gives the baby back to the nurse and said “Give me the one me and my wife made”.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

A skydiver opened his parachute too late. He won’t be able to make it

Not with that altitude

10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why?

Because it was a safety pin!

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For Valentine's Day my girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt...

... so I fucked her twice and hit her with a rock.

How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling

I heard beauty pageant contestants use Vaseline to make it easier to smile.

I ate the whole jar and I’m still not happy.

They say the first human to make it mars will most likely be a woman

This way when the males get there dinner will be ready

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

I just made this up and I'm drunk, so by all means, make it better.

A new moon walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, whatever. It's all futile."
Bartender says, "Why the dark mood?"
Moon says, "It's probably just a phase."

What vegetable can you add to a heavy pot of water to make it lighter?

Leeks!

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double."

So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack

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He'll never make it

Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds...

I had a dream that there was a dessert food made with sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa. In case any of you want to make it a reality...

I’m just pudding it out there.

3 men make it to heaven.

man 1, man 2, and man3.

An angel tells them: "The vehicle that you get to travel with in heaven will depend on the number of times you cheated on your partner"

So the angel asks the man 1, and man 1 says that he cheated on his wife 5 times. The angel checks to see if he is lying, and i...

Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper?

His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.

There's only one thing you can add to ANY food to make it taste better:

The word, "Free."

My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her.

I told her it waved.

What do you call an oak tree that can't make it's mind up?

Undeciduous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It must be easy to make it as a male pornstar

It seems like every single one of them is up and coming.

How did Epstien's killers make it look like a suicide?

They used A LOT of coverup

Why don't procrastinators make it to the Olympics?

Because they only allow amateurcrastinators.

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

I make it a habit to hang out with groups of gymnasts

Because there’s safety in tumblers.

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

Just because a lot of work went into it, doesn’t make it good.

Just look at the holocaust.

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

I was finally able to make it out of the friendzone.

Turns out she didn’t want to be my friend either.

Trump wants to make it illegal to buy pre-shredded cheese

It's all part of his plan to make America *grate* again.

Why did Bruce Lee's brother Earl make it to work before his shift began?

Because he's Earl Lee!

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special?

Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus.

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

I painted my PC black to make it run faster

Now it doesn't work

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My coach told me to make it to third base

He was pissed, but his daughter loved it.

How do all these anti-Trump Youtube videos make it to Trending in a matter of minutes?

Fake views.

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

George R R Martin once asked Haley Joel Osment what he should add to his fantasy saga to make it more suspenseful.

Haley: "Icy dead people"

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I can swallow a rope and make it come out the other end tied.

I shit you knot!

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

Four freshman partied too hard during a music festival and unable to make it back for their final exam the next day

As they drove back to the college, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: a tire was blown in the middle of nowhere at mid night so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the excuse. The understanding professor...

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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

An ant has been living under my keyboard for a while but now I’ve managed to make it stay under only one key

Don’t worry I’ve got it under ctrl

Why couldn't the priest make it to the party?

He had friar commitments.

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