UPJOKE
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Finish Jokes

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...
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I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
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A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
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I am so bored I started reading the dictionary from start to finish.

I am past caring.
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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"
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I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.
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One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.
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I don't usually finish my sentences

But when i do,
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Last night I tried to read the dictionary in bed but didn't finish it.

I got up to p
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I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page
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So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
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I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome, but I managed to finish it.

I probably should have taken some advice from friends and family which would have made this process much easier and write it on paper.
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I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.
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After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"
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Y’all remember that saying “nice guys finish last”…

Well I spent my entire life being nice and haven’t finished last once 😒
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Why did the Blonde feel so proud of herself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only six months?

It said 2-4 years on the box.
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A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex

A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I...

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When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories or having a big dick.

Obviously I chose

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
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I finished three books yesterday!

Boy that was a lot of colouring!
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From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!
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Why didn't the pirate finish the alphabet?

He got lost at C
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Just finished watching a fascinating program about beavers.

Best dam documentary I've ever seen.

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A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...
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True love is finishing each other’s sentences

Ghislaine Maxwell must’ve really loved Jeffrey Epstein
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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wan...
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What do you call a med student who finished last in his class?

Doctor.
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an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

What did the newscaster say after he finished foreplay?

This just in!
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Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.
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A prostitute asks another prostitute, “Do you smoke when you finish?”

The other prostitute answers “I don’t know, I’ve never checked”

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.
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Why do East Africans never finish their alphabet soup?

Because they only eat e o p a
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Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
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Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

He was already stuffed.
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I don't want to brag, but I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 3 hours.

The box said 2 to 4 years.
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An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...
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What do noodles say when they finish praying?

Ramen
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I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.
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My boss said I could finish work at half four today.

As I left the office he yanked me by the collar.

"What are you doing?" he frowned.

I said, "Stick to your word, it's two o'clock."
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Finally finished my chemotherapy!

Cancer can go suck my ball
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I got fired from my job finishing concrete

I can’t even
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I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level...

And let me tell you
That was no easy feat.
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My friend just finished his apprenticeship as a plumber.

I guess that means he's toilet-trained now.
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As the prostitute finished her session, she said,

“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open...

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

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God: Gabriel, have you finished setting up future events for the 2020s?

Gabriel: Yes, God, I have - wait, did you say 2020s plural? As in the decade?

God: Of course, what else?

Gabriel: I thought you meant 2020 the year.

God: You put a decade worth of history in one year?

Gabriel: Yes

God: Well, shit.

It's the first day of college, and the girls are finishing up orientation with the Dean of Women.

"In conclusion, ladies, if you get pregnant, you'll likely have to drop out and miss out on many of your dreams. Think about it: is that one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of commitment?"

"Now," the Dean says, "Are there any questions?"

"Yeah," says a voice from the back. "How do yo...
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A Man finishes having his fun with a Prostitute, he then escorts her to the door and says to her

"It was a business doing pleasure with you"

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Two Jewish newlyweds have just finished having sex.

The wife sashays naked to the bathroom, but the husband soon hears a shout for help. When he comes in he finds his wife has sat in the toilet with the seat up and gotten stuck. Despite his best efforts the husband can't his wife out and goes to ring an emergency plumber.

His wife shouts, "...

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I finished work early.

I came home early one day and caught my wife in bed with one of my friends.

I was angry, I got my gun out of the drawer and shot him dead.

My wife said what the fuck?

You carry on like this you ain't gonna have any friends left.

Trump didn't finish the wall

He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project
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what's the difference in definition of complete vs. finished

When you marry the right woman you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

And questions?
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After years I finally finished my book on herbology!

It was about thyme!
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Very proud to have just finished my 7th Marathon in 7 days

Or Snickers as they are now called
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I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.
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Why did the cat never finish the movie?

It kept hitting paws.
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My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book
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I just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism"

It was fucking shit.

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is
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I just finished reading a biography of JFK

The ending was mind-blowing
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At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
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The electrician finished fixing my lights

I told him he really brightened my day.
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I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.
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What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?

“They get their masters.”
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I never finish anything...

I have a black belt in partial arts.
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I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...
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My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
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Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...
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What time did Tolkien finish Lord of the Rings?

At elven o'clock.
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I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.
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ME: "We should make a sextape."

G.FRIEND: "You finish so fast, it would be a GIF."

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NSFW. Y do nice guys finish last.....

Because our ladies always cum first.

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
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A tough guy I knew said, "Don't start what you can't finish..."

So I threw away all my puzzles.
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When does a pirate finish pirate school?

At the end of the yar
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You finish??

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a...
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As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)
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And the ferrari speeds past the finish line...

In the worst case of cheating the London marathon has ever seen!
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A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak
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Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

The pirated version isn't the full edition.
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In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...
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So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
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Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
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Einstein: I finally finished my theory about space.

Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time.

Einstein: Wow! How did you know that?
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This guy was finishing his dinner at a restaurant...

...and the waiter said "How did you find your steak sir?" The guy said "By accident. I moved my baked potato and there it was."
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How do Penguins finish a race?

They Pengwin.
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What did the movie director say when he finished his burrito?

“That’s a wrap!”
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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...
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A farmer buys a young cock

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks the farmer's all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. It screws all 150 hens to finish the day.

The day after, the farmer sadl...

“Nice guys finish last” is a good thing.

Women hate it when the guy finishes first.
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A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...
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Nice guys always finish last.

Which makes us really good in bed. Come on ladies..give us a try.

A platypus walks into a duck’s bar. He finishes his drink and the duck gives him the check.

Duck billed Platypus
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“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”
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Why couldn't the atheist finish his homework assignment on exponents?

He didn't believe in a higher power.
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The stove repairman said it'll finish between 9am and 5pm

That's a large range
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My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.
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MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."


THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...
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I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.
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What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.
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My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.
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What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finishe...
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A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

I just finished watching Kill Bill Volume 2

Had to have the subtitles on. Couldn't hear a thing.
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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...
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I just finished listening to a country album backwards.

I got my dog, my truck, and my wife back.

I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.
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Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...
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Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...
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I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.
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Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?

Because it was wiped out
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Why Anne Frank didn't finish her diary

**Concentration problems**
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Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one
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How many Nazis does it take to finish a race?

None, Nazis can't finish a race.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...
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Why couldn't the radish finish the race?

He was just a little beet.
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What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”?

**What’s the difference between “incomplete” and “finished”??**

A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.
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Why do dragons never finish anything on time?

bc they like to drag on and on.
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What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...
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My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*
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I love races that finish themselves

terrorist wins
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what did the frog say after he finished his book?

Reddit.
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My wife complained that I never finish anything

So I replied wi
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A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...
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I once saw a Shrimp finish third in the Olympics...

They gave him the Prawns Medal
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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

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I finally finished that book about clock fetishes

It's about fucking time.

My Uncle died from drinking

He drank a whole gallon of varnish. He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.
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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No...

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
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