Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

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What do you call it when you’re watching porn, and you finish right as it shows the guy’s dick?

Dishonorable discharge

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

Today my girlfriend yelled at me and said I never finish anything

So to prove her wrong I

When you have finished reading the dictionary

Every other book is just a remix.

I was supposed to finish living with my new foster parents in June, but its been moved to September.

I'm so happy with my extended family!

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

What did the Rabbi say as he was finishing up a circumcision?

It won't be long now.

Good guys finish last..

Because bad girls finish first.

My wife complained that I never finish anything

So I replied wi

What is the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’ ?

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

The French version of Jaws finishes with the word FIN.

It's really inappropriate

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite...

I finished installing an electric fence around the perimeter of my house yesterday.

The neighbours are dead against it.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

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Mrs Jones has finished her laundry and now she is outside hanging it up to dry.

She looks up and sees a flock of terns flying nearby. She goes in the kitchen for a coffee and when she comes back out she sees that the terns have flown over and crapped on her laundry. Upset with what has just happened, she takes the laundry down, goes back in the house and washes it again. She c...

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel!

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in f...

"Remember the time when we used to finish each other sentences?"

I told my twin brother over the phone from prison

Due to the quarantine I have finished 3 books.

Yes, I know, that’s a LOT of coloring.

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Just finished a great book about a transvestite who has a speech impediment.

The title is "Man or Myth."

What did the clockmaker say when he finished making a clock?

"It's about time".

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

Nice guys always finish last

or in Gatsby's case, in a pool

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A guy was having sex with a girl against a 1963 Corvette Stingray, but he couldn't finish

Those are hard to come by

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and s...

I was at a barber shop in Bangkok and I asked to get my hair dyed, and for the barber to surprise me. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than hair dyeing normally would, and when I looked at the finished job in the mirror, I noticed that they were in rainbow swirls.

When I asked the barber, "What is this?" he told me,"Well, it's a Thai dye."

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Been running out of bar soap over the last few days... today we finished our last one.

Honestly I'm not that disappointed, stuff tasted like shit.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start...

So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

Really proud of myself... Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months

and the box said 2-4 years..

Finished!

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. ...

Finland have just closed their borders....

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bustling bar and gets up to leave. . .

A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm gonna sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I *really* don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

True to his word, he sits d...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

What do you call a doctor that finishes bottom of their class?

Doctor.

For major decisions always get a second opinion!

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

What did the Frog say after being recommended a book he had already finished?

Reddit, reddit.

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

What did Noah say when he finished loading all the animals?

"Now I've herd everything."

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A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

My wife asked me what the difference between finished and completed is

I said

"Well you finished my life, and I completed yours"

Fishes just finished it's box office run

It flopped.

What kind of person finishes 2nd in a biathlon?

I mean, you still have a gun right?

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee.

He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the o...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.

I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.

-Too close to the fire hydrant.

-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?

Slightly annoyed, t...

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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An old jew dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, he asks god if he wants to hear a holocaust joke.

God agrees and the man tells him the joke.

When he finishes the joke, god looks at him and says "That's not funny, actually it's quite offensive."

The old man shrugs and says "I guess you had to be there". ...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

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A truck driver stopped and lifted a prostitute

While on the highway, she was giving him a BJ and just when he was going to finish he twitched and accidentaly flipped the truck causing a huge wreckage and his dick falling off and flying away.

On the other side of the road came a car with a dad and his 10 year old daughter. Out of the blue ...

McGregor finishes fast...

And he’s a champion. I do it and I’m a loser.

You finish??

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a...

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.

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Before it starts

After dinner an old man sat down in front of the tv and yells to his wife "hey can you bring me a beer before it starts?"

The wife dutifully brings him a beer. In a short time the man has finished the drink and promptly yells "bring me another beer before it starts"

The wife brings hi...

Just finished watching WW2 in colour..

Cant wait for season 3, says it's coming out in the near future.

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

A guy walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots. The bartender brings them to the guy, and as the bartender is grabbing the cheque, he sees that the guy has already downed over half of his shots.

The bartender walks over to the guy and exclaims, "Woah buddy, you might wanna chill out over th...

Why can't Donald Trump finish a book?

He can never make it past Chapter 11.

Why didn't the turkey finish his Christmas dinner?

He was stuffed.

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona

when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin ...

Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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The Waiter and the Spoon

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They’ve been ordering Grubhub for months and are excited to support a local business in person. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To ...

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A grasshopper finishes having sex with praying mantis and says:

- I know that you are going to eat me now, but I don't care, it was awesome!

- Don't worry bro, only girls do that.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...



A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too...

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A man and his new hunting dog

A man is sitting at the bar of his local gun club with a few of his buddies after finishing their trap shoot. As they enjoy a cold beer, a man and his dog enter the bar. After a few minutes of pleasantries, the man with the dog says "Yea, this dog is incredible. I don't have to sit around and wait f...

Why was the blonde girl to happy after she finished the Jigsaw puzzle in 6 hours?

Because on the box it says ''From 3 to 5 years''

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

I had decided to write a letter by hand the other day when my pencil broke.

I tried to finish but it was pointless.

Why didn't the mermaid finish high school?

Because her grades were always under the C

Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet...

...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

The Pope just finished a tour of New York

He was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while.

The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then drove onto the highway and acceler...

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

What do you call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor.

Just finished watching a documentary on building ships....

It was riveting.

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My friend draws beautiful nudes, starting from the feet, up. They're amazing art but he always throws them all away...

I think it's 'cuz he always finishes on the faces.

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

Girl at my workplace said that if I finished up before her, she'd let me come back to her place.

I'm proud to say, I finished before her twice today.

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

A stand up comic gets a gig to perform at an old age home......

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

Got hurt pretty bad today

I’d call 911, but they’d probably just finish the job

I couldn’t come up with names so...

Person 1: Did you know that there’s a secret menu at that burger place?

Person 2: No, tell me about it.

Person 1: The most secret is a burger. This burger is so hardcore that it qualifies as breakfast, lunch and dinner for 7 people, for 7 years. And if you finish it in under an hour, t...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it’s for calling back to Earth.
So Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the Devil informs him that...

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

A Yorkshire man's beloved wife passed away.

He went to the headstone maker to sort out the stone for her grave. Being a devout man, he decided the inscription should read 'She was thine'. The stonemason told him to return a week later.
A week later the man returns to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason wheeled it out in a trolley. It ...

A man walks into a bar wit a giraffe

He sits down at the bar and orders himself a pint and a milkshake for the giraffe.

He finishes his pint, the giraffe finishes it's milkshake and he orders another for each of them.

Again they finish and have another.

After the third the giraffe drops down dead. The man gets u...

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

Every year on St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick comes down out of Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.

This past St Patrick’s day he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walked in a see St Patrick sitting in the corner of the pub with his big green bishops hat, his green robes and his staff and he asks the bartender “Hey, is that St Patrick sitting in the corner?”

And the bartender says “Well ye...

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A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion trapped in quicksand (nsfw)

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

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Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

A cowboy walks into a bar...

He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what...

What do you call Russian student who seems like he'll never finish college?

Stalling grad

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

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A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

A real classic

So a man is listening to his daughter prey she says "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless grandma good bye grandpa" when asked why she said goodbye she responded with "I just felt like I should." The grandpa dies. A month later the daughter is preying as her dad listens in again. The daughter...

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I just finished having terrible sex with a french girl...

She kept yelling "Wee Wee Wee" and it was very off putting. She should have gone before we started

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

One day, a blonde was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and wanted to prove herself

So she began going door to door to see if there was any type of work that she could do.

She arrived at this wealthy family home where she knocked on the door and a man answered. “Hi. I’m tired of being called blonde and being told that I’m dumb. Is there any job that I can do to prove my wor...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."



"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger would...

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

A Pirate captain sits behind on the deck of his ship (long)

From the nest he hears "Captain, a navy ship is approaching!"

"Just one?" he responds?

"Yessir, Just the one!" He ponders this for a second.

"Alright, someone get me my red shirt!" So someone scurries off and grabs the red shirt and the captain puts it on. The navy ship approac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman man finishes his toilet prototype. His wife asks, "Does it work?"

The man replies, "I have no idea, it's a crap chute."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl goes to her very busy father to ask various questions

“Papa, Papa!” she calls out to him, “I hate my dance lessons, can I not go today?”

“Quit it. Can’t you tell I’m in a meeting right now? Go talk to your mother,” her father tells her and shoos her from the room.

A little while later the girl returns and says, “Papa, Papa! I found a disc...

Your Honor, I'm dyslexic

I couldn't possibly finish my sentence

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