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Succeed Jokes

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

If, at first, you don't succeed...

I would not recommend skydiving.

My motto is, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Anyway, I don't give skydiving lessons anymore.

A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators..

He now has a problem with squatters

A strongman tries to lift a heavy bar and succeeds...

Everyone is absolutely astonished. "How strong are you!?" asks the bartender inside.

If at first you don’t succeed.

Suck harder.

CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro

Using the innovative 'Old age' technique

If at first you don't succeed...

Mutate into the next letter of the Greek alphabet and try again.

If at first you don't succeed

perhaps Russian roulette isn't for you

some people suck seed to succeed

is it D’s that get degrees?

this entered my brain like a week ago, and i can’t stop repeating it to myself.
it is still plaguing my mind

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

If at first you succeed

You probably did something wrong go back and figure out what it was.

The sign on the door read “To succeed, please enter”.

I walked in to find a naked man.

“Hello, I’m Ceed!” He said.

Try and try again until you succeed

Common policy followed in most stabbing

The Trump Administration is finally helping business succeed.

He helped a landscaping company succeed at hats, t-shirts and bumper sticker sales.

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My father always told me “son if you want to succeed in life never take no for an answer”

Terrible father, great rapist

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

If at first you don't succeed,

The bomb squad is not the job for you

I formed the habit of not telling anyone about my plans until I succeed

now I fail without anybody even knowing.

What’s the difference between NASA and Reddit?

NASA really wanted the Apollo program to succeed

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

Enter through one, exit through three. Once you succeed I am on thee. What am I?

A shirt.

Did the depressed rope maker succeed?

Sadly, he did knot.

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

The inventor of glass coffins was asked would his failing business ever succeed.

He replied. Remains to be seen.

The Apple Car will never succeed.

It doesn't have windows.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

So, the mad scientist duo finally succeeded

And the universe was destroyed by a pair o' docs

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pu...

A guy in a bar overheard someone say: "If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."

Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left.

It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting "I want to succeed! I want to succeed!".

After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says:
"Ok man, ok... I'm Sid."

A professor told his class: " Fame will come to you only after you succeed!" A blonde asked ..

**"Who is 'Sid' ?"**

(not my own, unknown origin)

My parents' motto is "Try and try until you succeed", and as the Firstborn, I don't get it.

and so does my 25 younger siblings.

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A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied:
-Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me ...

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Today President Trump said that the government’s attempts to control the Corona Virus are succeeding, but to please take these additional precautions:

1) Because there has been some controversy over what to call the disease, Trump announced that henceforth it will be called the “Pelosi Virus.”

2) Because the virus seems to have more difficulty spreading in hot weather, Spring has been cancelled. Summer will start this year on March 21.
<...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

The anniversary of Sully's heroic landing reminds us: You know you've succeeded in life if they cast Tom Hanks to play you in a movie...

Either that or you're just a really lucky idiot.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

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Prostitutes are really over achievers...

I mean all they do is succeed.

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

A blind man came to me for some business advice.

I told him he's never going to succeed in what he's doing.
He asked why is that. I told him because he lacked vision.
That's not nice, he said.
I asked why, is the joke too dark for you?

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE!”

I’m unhappy to report that I succeeded.

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

No E-Mail

A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

“You are hired.” – the employer said. ”Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”...

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Henry woke up with one hell of a hangover…

(Long-ish)

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs and his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what...

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

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