UPJOKE
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Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?

Because there was no Roomba at the inn.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I saw on the news that ignorance and apathy are sweeping the country

I didn't know that, but I don't really care.

Sweep her off her feet!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Man you should have gotten here earlier," the bartender says. "Joe was having quite a night. We got to watch him sweep a pretty girl off her feet." "Well, that's no surprise," the guy replies. "He's always been an aggressive janitor."

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

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Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.



\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

My wife said, “I’ve never seem you mop or sweep in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."

"But I have a PhD..."

"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."

When don't you disturb a broom

When it's sweeping.

Britain used to send kids up chimneys to sweep them. It was hazardous and many got ill and died.

Until we developed the flue vaccine.

A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.

After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"

"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"

I used to date a female chimney sweep, you know the best bit?

I could fiddler on the roof

My kink is sweeping things under the rug

But nows probably not a good time to talk about it...

A guy calls a chimney sweep.

A guy calls a chimney sweep to get his chimney cleaned. The sweep checks it out and then says he can do the job for $1,200. "TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" the guy shouts. "For that much I'll do it myself." The sweep chuckles and says "Okay soot yourself "

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

Politics...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food ...

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations

but all brooms are pretty much the same.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'l...

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet.

Sweeping is your job.

A chimney sweep recently won $240,000 in a lottery

This is the largest sweep's take on record.

A chimney sweep called in sick to work.

He had a touch of the flue.

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There’s been a rash of laryngitis sweeping through the Scandinavian equine circuit

Quick! Call the Hoarse Norse Horse Nurse!

I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

Scientists today combined a car with two domestic sweeping devices.

It goes broom broom.

Did you guys hear about the new board game sweeping the Iberian peninsula?

Settlers of Catalan.

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways!

Employee: But I'm a college graduate!
Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once.

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What's the latest big thing to sweep across Japan?

The ocean.

What do you tell two people who want to sweep together?

Get a broom!

A new social media site is sweeping over college campuses.

Mysafespace.

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Dear Dr. Jones, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years

He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, whether ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mails, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Ccinsely ous,,, mdyl

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A new craze sweeps an Eastern European nation

Though Transylvania is mostly rivers and mountains, a new outdoor sport is achieving newfound popularity. Folks have been flocking to the calmer parts of the Olt and Danube to try out for a crew, the competitive paddling fad usually found in lakes. In fact, the sport has spread from the region to th...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

My friend doesn’t like to talk about her dry skin…

She’d rather just sweep it under the carpet

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

There was a murder at a Janitorial Convention

Needless to say, there were sweeping allegations…

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

Have you heard of the movie about the broom?

It's sweeping the nation.

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...

The Italian Boss’ sudden Inspection

James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.

He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.

One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he’s ever seen...

The boss approaches the new employee...

...and tells him to sweep the office.

"I'm sorry but I went to Harvard" the employee replies

The boss responds "Oh, my bad. In this case I have to show you how to do this"

My friend spoke to me today, and insisted that all brooms are the same...

I always hated those sweeping generalizations.

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

A young couple's house gets burgled, so they decide to get a guard dog...

The wife goes to a pet shop and tells the owner "I'd like to see the toughest guard dog you've got!"

The owner answers "I've got just the dog for you!". He presents to her to a tiny chihuahua called Roxy.

"Sure he's cute, but can he really guard a home?" she asks skeptically.

"L...

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This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

What is the relation between a broom and an ak-47

Both can be used to sweep a house

A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.

He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"

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A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.

The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. Fir...

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A man wants to impress a girl, so he asks his friend to help him make a legendary meal.

His friend agrees, and they get the candle-lit table all set up. The man brings his girl in, pulls out her chair, then takes his seat. The friend then sweeps out, and presents... a bowl full of chicken drumsticks and a couple of glasses of milk.

The man is shocked, and makes a quick excuse be...

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

Did you guys see the Zamboni Race on TV?

It was a clean sweep

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

Excercising their right to freedom of speech, witches gathered in DC, chanting "Brooms are for riding, not cleaning!"

They are calling for a sweeping reformation.

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Joe the janitor reports for his first night of work at a funeral home.

One of his first tasks is to sweep and mop the embalming room floor while the embalmer is eating dinner. Joe is alone in the room, out of curiousness he looks under the sheet covering a corpse on the embalmers table. The body lays face down. With a giant cork protruding from the rectum. Joe taps on ...

A polish peasant farmer...

...is digging in his field one day when he hits something with his shovel. Picking it up and dusting it off, he recognizes it as an old lamp. A genie pops out and offers him three wishes. The Pole thinks about his wishes for the entire day and finaly decides. "Genie", he says, "I want the Mongol hor...

Why is Joe Biden like the Coronavirus?

They are both sweeping through the states, taking the elderly's breath away.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

I heard they made a Minesweeper movie

It bombed at the box office, but somehow ended up sweeping the oscars.

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at ...

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

Nobody knows what it’s like to be a custodian.

They just make sweeping generalizations.

What did the janitor's ex wife accuse him of?

Sweeping around.

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

A chicken walks into a library...

...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book.

Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book...

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If there was a saggy tits competetion, my wife would win easily

She would sweep the floors infact

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Guy gets called in for an interview...

... as he enters the manager's office, he doesn't say a word, nor does he sit down, and stares straight into the eyes of the manager. Then, without warning, and with one huge sweep of his arm, he knocks all the shit off the managers desk, papers, monitor, pen holder, etc. The manager, completely d...

Once upon a time there was a hatseller

He traveled from village to village selling hats.
One day, he was walking through the jungle, and noticed a comfortable spot at the base of a particular tree. He decided to rest there, as it was a hot day. So, he put his basket of hats next to him, pulled his hat over his eyes, and slept....

What do you call a potato with a broom ?

A sweep potato.

You’re welcome

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My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling...

Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

I’ve never used a broom in my whole life.

I realise this is a sweeping statement

A foreman working on a construction site walks up to his only workers for the day...

They were an Irishman, Englishman and a Chinese.

The foreman walks up to the Irishman and tells him:

"I will be going out for a few hours to do some paperwork. In the meantime I want you to shovel this pile of gravel into the truck so it can be taken away when I get back."

He t...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

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A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back

A zoo bought a female gorilla a while back. Recently, she went into heat, so the zookeeper called all his friends at different zoos to find a male gorilla to deal with the issue.
He called and called, but the budget his board had given him was only $10,000, and nobody could afford to ship their g...

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This joke made me chuckle

A Chinese guy, an Italian and an Irishman arrived for their first day working on a construction site and reported to the foreman's office.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand and said, "I want you three guys to make a huge dent in that sandpile there!"

The foreman then grabbed t...

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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is appro...

All maids love their brooms

Well, that's a bit of a sweeping generalisation.

Hey is Johannes Kepler such a good janitor?

Because he sweeps out the same area every night.

Credit to my Physics teacher.

Where do janitors go at night?

They go to sweep.

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

Olympic curling seems like the kind of game...

Mr. Miyagi would have invented to trick Daniel into sweeping his floors.

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Stoner joke with animals, always been a favorite of mine.

So monkey is sitting in a tree, sparks up a fatty joint. As he's enjoying his rolled handiwork mr lizard comes by an says "shit dude that smells delicious, mind if I join ya?" Monkey replies "No of course not, come on up man." So lizard and monkey sit an smoke for a bit; but this is quite a hefty J ...

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