It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man *ran* by a campsite” because it’s past tents

A soldier runs up to a nun...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out ...

What has wings, but cannot fly? What can run, but has no legs?

The nose.

A young girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

"Wow, it's really pouring sky buckets out here!" she yells to the priest greeting visitors.

Before he can respond, the sky releases a torrential downpour, as if a thousand firehoses opened up from the clouds.

"Whoa! Now it's *really* raining cats and dogs!" she exclaims. Suddenly, a c...

Robber: I can't run anymore

Cop: looks like you need *arrest*

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If you run around a tree twice as fast as light

You can fuck your own ass

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

A stressed-looking mom and little Johnny run around the beach.

After about fifteen minutes the mom stops, out of breath and demands, „Come on Johnny, please remember where you buried daddy in the sand, will you?“

If you run in front of a car.

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.
If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?

Cripple kill.

What do you call a bunch of chimpanzees who run a children's tv studio?

Nickelodeon executives

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

That's nothing!

Stephen Hawking used to run on batteries!

I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

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Run Little Piggy! [Longish]

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

What do you call a beer run but for when it’s White Claw?

A seltzer sprint.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

Why did the two fruit get caught when they tried to run away and get married?

Cause they cantaloupe.

A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.

One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

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What do you call a girl who can run faster than her family members?

An Alabama virgin.

Did you hear about the politician who wants our public transportation to run on alternative fuels?

He promises to make the trains run on Thyme.

Why did the crazy man ask the cyclist to run him over ?

Because he’s a cycle path.

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Just bought one of those Eco friendly cars, it runs on raccoon piss.

My wife borrowed it,

stupid Woman filled it with Weasel.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

In a macho world, if a man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

Obviously, the man's fault!
Why the heck is the man driving in the kitchen!?

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

Why does a dwarf laugh when he runs?

Because the grass tickles his balls.

How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto


... I am so ashamed of myself...

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

My mate always said he wanted to be run over by a steam train when it was his time to die. He got his way...

I guess he was chuffed to bits.

An hysterical woman runs into

the country club proshop. "Help!" she shrieks, "I've been stung by a bee and I'm allergic!" unperturbed the pro says, "Calm down, ma'am, asking "Now just where were you stung?" "Between the first and second holes, " she replies. "Well, I'm no doctor, " he grins, "but offhand I'd say your sta...

Two men go for a run with their dogs.

They jog around the park for nearly an hour before one of the guys asks his friend if he wants to get a drink. The other guy says yes, so they jog to a small pub not far from the park. Unfortunately, there is a “no dogs” sign posted on the door.

“Don’t worry,” one of the guys says, “follow m...

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

Why did Tarzan's dog run away?

You'd run away too if your name was "OohOohAahAahAAAHAHA!"

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

Why did the chicken get run over by a car?

The chicken wanted to go to the "other side"...

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

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Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.


As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard a...

What do ya call a company run by bees?

A buzziness

A Python Executable Message that Describes this Sub. Yes it really runs...

this = we = 1

# Start reading here...
try:
def ending(your, self):
for reposting in [this.__sub__]:
while we:
raise 'hell'
except:
None and None

How did the Potato Horse run?

It scalloped!

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

What is black and hairy and runs around the back yard screaming?

A baby covered in funnel web spiders

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

My friend's car runs on cats.

Just listen to that engine purr.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

I'm planning to run for office.

My car broke down.

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

girls used to literally run after me, but they stoped

because I stopped stealing their bags.

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

You know that black guy who runs fast? I can't quite remember his name.

You sayin Bolt?

The Queer eye producers want to to run a spinoff show with the singer P!nk

But pink eye for the straight guy never really took off

Why do people run from the rain while they go willingly under the shower?

Consent

I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

A penguin runs into a bar...

Breathless with panic he catches the barman’s attention and says- “ excuse me sir but my brother has went missing, have you seen him?” To which the barman replies “what does he look like?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy runs into a bar and yells "Quick I gotta get ten shots of your finest whiskey, fuck the cost, pour the shots I'm gonna take them all!"

The bartender is a bit surprised with the request but he lines up the shots, and watches, with a bit of concern but is also kind of impressed as this guy sits on a barstool and slams shot after shot until they're all down.

"Hot damn!" says the bartender. "That's fucked up, what's going on wit...

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.



As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:



"...

Did you hear about the screenwriter who was so distracted from working on a screenplay in his head, he stepped into a crosswalk and got hit by a hit-and-run driver?

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

What would a streaming service run by The Great Old One be called?

C’Hulu

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

A couple are driving home one evening and run over a badger.

They get out the car and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up"
Wife replies " but its all wet and it stinks" the husband replies; "well hold the badgers nose then"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running

Andrew Yang: I am running

Kamala Harris: I am running

Elizabeth Warren: I am running

Joe Biden: Me too

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

How many economists are needed to run a country?

It doesn't matter, because nobody listens to them.

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

I think my base's security office is run by furries.

every email i receive from them has the header "FOUO, what's this?"

Why couldn’t the expectant mother cow run?

It didn’t have calves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi and a priest run out of a burning school...

The priest said to the Rabbi, "what about the children?"

"Fuck the children" said the Rabbi

"do you think we will have time?"

I hate it when people say that obesity runs in their family.

The real problem is that _nobody_ runs in their family.

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