This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kids should not run with scissors

And lesbians should not scissor with the runs

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy runs into a bar and yells "Quick I gotta get ten shots of your finest whiskey, fuck the cost, pour the shots I'm gonna take them all!"

The bartender is a bit surprised with the request but he lines up the shots, and watches, with a bit of concern but is also kind of impressed as this guy sits on a barstool and slams shot after shot until they're all down.

"Hot damn!" says the bartender. "That's fucked up, what's going on wit...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

A penguin runs into a bar...

Breathless with panic he catches the barman’s attention and says- “ excuse me sir but my brother has went missing, have you seen him?” To which the barman replies “what does he look like?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A janitor at a church is minding his own business cleaning the floors when the priest runs to him telling him he needs help

The priest says to the janitor
“J I need your help, I have to run an errand really quick but I need you to fill in for me for confessions.” J says, “Father I cant I don’t know what to assign for punishments or pennants.
Father replies saying, “Its fine there’s a sheet in there that will tel...

For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.

​

As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:
<...

A couple are driving home one evening and run over a badger.

They get out the car and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "put it between your legs and warm it up"
Wife replies " but its all wet and it stinks" the husband replies; "well hold the badgers nose then"

Something is wrong with my lawnmower— it only runs when it’s fully choked.

It is officially kinkier than I am!

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

&#x200B;

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the d...

Why can't you run through a camp ground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

What do you call a 6 year old that can run faster than me?

A virgin

A man runs into a psychiatric hospital completely naked and wrapped in cling-film.

A doctor runs up to him saying "I don't know what's bothering you, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

Three nuns sitting on a park bench, naked man runs by

Two had a stroke,

the other couldn't reach

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

I hate it when people say that obesity runs in their family.

The real problem is that _nobody_ runs in their family.

Why couldn’t the expectant mother cow run?

It didn’t have calves.

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an en...

How many economists are needed to run a country?

It doesn't matter, because nobody listens to them.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dyslexics run into a bank...

Two dyslexics run into a bank, guns drawn, and yell, "Air in the hands, Mother Stickers! This is a fuck up!"

Why did the dolphin rider get arrested for hit and run?

Because he did it on porpoise.
















( I know dolphins aren't porpoises)

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rabbi and a priest run out of a burning school...

The priest said to the Rabbi, "what about the children?"

"Fuck the children" said the Rabbi

"do you think we will have time?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

A new bakery is just opened when suddenly a man runs in,

screaming from the top of his lungs:

"I f\*cked your mom!"

The man runs out as fast as he came in leaving a visibly annoyed baker. The rest of the day works out fine but come the next day, right about the same time as the day before, the same man runs in. Again, from the top of his lun...

There is a group of 3 friends out jogging around their city. 2 of the friends run into a bar.

The 3rd friend goes around it.

Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running

Andrew Yang: I am running

Kamala Harris: I am running

Elizabeth Warren: I am running

Joe Biden: Me too

&#x200B;

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

I really didn’t want to go for a run today.

But then the cops showed up from nowhere.

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A programmers wife asked him to run to the store

She said "go to the store and get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He came back with a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs because he's not a retard and can recognize what she means.

What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run from the law?

A small medium at large.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?

His lawnmower.

A Jew with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.

A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

What type of horse run the city?

The mare of course.

Why did the T-Rex run away from the bathroom?

Because extinct

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mans car womt run, so he takes it to the mechanic...

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel wich corroded your injectors and intake manifold.

Man: english please?

Mechanic: low quality gas ruined your engine.

Man: dumb it down for me, im not a rocket scientist.

Mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky.
<...

Son runs into the house,

he screams to his mom: " I'm not a virgin anymore!" His mom is happy for him and says that he has to talk to his father. The son yells the same time his dad. The father says: " Son, you are growing up. We need to talk. Please sit down. Upon wich the son says with a weird face: " Sorry dad, but that ...

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

Why do Dwarves laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls!

If a bar runs out of alcohol

If a bar runs out of alcohol, there is no pint in going to the bar.

Which race is the most profitable to run?

A 401K

A man runs into a bar

He didn't win the gymnastics competition.

Why did the soldier run when the blond threw a pin at him?

She had a grenade in her mouth

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

Whats one problem you can run from?

Obesity

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

Why did Michael Jackson run to the Gap?

Because he heard that kid's pants were half off!

How far can a dog run into the woods?

Halfway. After that, he’s running out of the woods

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Why did Helen Keller get run over by a train...

Because she was standing on the train tracks

What's transparent and runs in the fields?

A herd of wild windows

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

They say Bernie is gonna run again in 2022

I guess he uses the same workout plan as me.

If Biden wins the primary and runs against Trump...

It's going to be an uncomfortably close election.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests

He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not."

So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."

Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

The difference between running in front of vs behind a car.

If you run in front of a car, you'll get tired.



If you run behind it, you'll get exhausted.

I asked my boss if he'd run over a few things with me.

I think I'm a bit too morbid to be a tractor driver.

A little girl runs to her mum

"Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!"

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'm a sex offender, and I'm on the run..."

"I'm afraid I can't help you too much," replies the bartender, "although I can probably hide you in the basement."

"Thanks, I really appreciate this." The man responds.

As the bartender shows the man to the basement he asks "Is there anything I can get you while you're here?"

"A...

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"

The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but...

How you make samurai run away?

You sho gun

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

When is the best time to run a marathon?

During Lent. That's when you fast.

A rancher runs up to a cowboy...

Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?

Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...

Why didn’t melon run away to get married?

Because It cantaloupe.

The driver from a Hit and Run was arrested

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : it was snowing, the ground was slippery, I was, I was..

Detective : those are just excuses buddy.. Tell me, was this on purpose?

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna hi...

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

How many parties does it take to run a democratic nation?

Two, one to... just kidding you can't run a democratic nation on two parties.

The CEO of Capital One was gonna run for president but has since withdrew his candidacy.

Apparently they asked people how likely they were to vote for him but there was.......

0% interest

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man runs into Hitler at a cocktail party in Argentina

“Hitler, what are you doing here?”

“I’m working on my new plan, I’m going to kill another 6 millions Jews and 1 clown”

“Why are you planning on killing one clown?”

Hitler then turns to the guy next to him and says
“See, I told you no one cared about the Jews”

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

A man is sitting at a bar when a cop runs in.

"Sir," the cop shouts, holding up a strip of undeveloped film, "Is this you?!"

The man looks at the film strip, then at the officer. "That's a negative, sir."

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An irritable old man runs into a kid on a narrow path

The path isn't wide enough for two people to go side by side. The grumpy old man, who hates kids, refuses to move to the side, and says "I don't give way to assholes".

"That's ok, I do", says the kid and lets the old man cross.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

Which mouse runs on two legs? Mickey mouse. Now which duck runs on two legs?

Every duck runs on two legs.

What fuel does a Tranny Van run off?

Gender fluid

My friend gave his horse marijuana thinking it would make him run faster.

I asked him to get off his high horse immediately.

Losing weight is no walk in the park..

It’s a run.

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