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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.

And most of them are Republicans.

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

If you run in front of a car

You will get tired.

And if you run behind a car,

you will get exhausted.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

Why are kenyans so fit and run so fast?

They do Naerobics.

Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

The little boy sees a police officer and runs up "Hey, come quick! My father is in a fight with another man!"

The officer follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there are two men fighting tooth and nail.

"Ok, sonny, now which one's your father?"

"I DON'T KNOW! That's what they're fighting about!"

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings

And now we have countries...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

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What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

When the mystery machine runs out of gas, who has to refill the tank?

Scooby-Doo!



I've been creating jokes for over 30 years. This is the first family-friendly joke I've ever written. Plz be gentle.

A blonde, brunette, and red head are running from the cops...

They jump into a train car and hide in 3 sacks.

The cops come up and hit the first sack.

“Woof woof”, goes the brunette. “Oh, it’s just a dog”, the cops say.

The cops then hit the second sack. “Meow”, goes the redhead. “A cat”, the cops agree.

The cops get to the thi...

What is another way to say "Obesity runs in my family"?

"I don't have skinny genes."

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A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".

Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".

Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran because it's past tents.

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

I’m beginning to realize that my dermatological issues run deeper than I initially thought

Until now I was just scratching the surface

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

What's the upside of running over a pizzaboy with your car?

At least you have something to nibble on while you wait for the cops.

Did you hear about the famous Chinese restaurant run by a father and his mentally challenged kid?

Ya, people really loved his dim son.

Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to run for his office

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

Motorcyclist runs over a woman who's at fault?

The motorcyclist, wtf was he doing riding in the kitchen?

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A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

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I don't need anyone to run my sex life.

I run it single-handedly

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it

You expend a lot of energy running with cars

If you are in front of the car you are tired,if you are behind it you get exhausted

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I went to the doctor...

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.

I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”

I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

"It's a boy!", He screamed, running out of the room,

And vowed never to visit Thailand again.

My dog is self-conscious about his condition, and runs away when confronted about it.

People: "What is it that you have?"

Dog: *flees*

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"*Wow!*" the girl shouts. "Now it's *really*...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

If I ever run out of dad jokes....

I’ve always got daylight savings time puns to fall back on

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

What did the girl melon say to the boy melon when he asked her to run away and get married?

I’m sorry, cantaloupe

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A priest and a teacher are running out of a burning school.

The priest yells to the teacher “but what about the kids?!”

“Fuck the kids,” yelled the teacher.

The priest then asks, “Do we even have time for that?”

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop trying to play the race card.

Hey is your refrigerator running?

PG&E turned my power off, can I keep some food in there?

Why do dwafs laugh when they run?

The grass tickles their balls.

Why is Batman so good at hitting home runs?

He has a batting cage.

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They say having sex is the equivalent of running 5 miles

Who runs 5 miles in 10 seconds

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A lion and a lioness and resting in a shade of a tree. All of a sudden a rabbit comes, slaps the lion in the face and runs off.

The lion just chuckles.

The Lioness is pissed: "Why did you let him slap you? Are you not the king of the animals? This is a major disrespect. Go kill that little shit!"

The lion replies calmly: "Dear, the rabbit is small and stupid - he doesn't know what he is doing...".

In a ...

What do vegans run on?

Grassoline.

I run a meditation and yoga studio for angry donkeys..

It's called "peace of ass"

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand

Quack

Your friend tells you that his girlfriend can't remember what time she left to go running this morning.

You respond: Well, why don't you jog her memory?

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An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

A guy sees another guy on the other side of the road and runs towards him

"John! John I havent seen you in so long, how have you been?"

"Um, hello, I'm fine thanks but who are you?" the man answered

"Well its me, Frank, don't you remember? We were in high school together!"

"Maybe, are you sure?"

"Yes, you've changed so much! You used to be fit!...

What did the VSCO girl say when she got run over by a truck?

She didn't say anything. She got skskskquished.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

Not learning from mistakes runs in the family.

Which is why I have a little brother.

How do you run a small company after Brexit?

Well, you start with a big company...

What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

I saw a magician running away from a shop a few days ago.

I asked him why, and he told me he had a few twix up his sleeve.

A soldier runs up to a nun...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out ...

What does a leg do when it gets tired of running?

It pants.

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

My friend loves to run uphill.

He always feels inclined to do so.

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

A young boy, a priest and an Italian are waking down the street when they all get run over by a truck and die.

At they gates of heaven they all beg and plead with God to send them back to earth. God agrees on the condition that they each give up what they love the most. They all agree and poof they are back on earth.

They continue waking down the street, all very happy and excited with a new found lov...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

Someone asks Patrick Bateman if he has urine running down his leg.

Patrick says, "Yup, pee."

He winked at me and said, "Suck on this; it'll get the engine running"

so we siphoned enough gas to get to the next station

Last year, a group of us in a triathlon were run over by a speed boat, and I was one of the lucky few who survived.

All I got was some swimmer’s ear.

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

I’m thinking of running as the Prime Minister of Canada

Does anyone have any shoe polish I can borrow for Halloween?

What has wings, but cannot fly? What can run, but has no legs?

The nose.

A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.

One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

What types of marathons do racist people run?

Only 3ks

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

Insanity Does Not Run In My Family

It Strolls Through Taking Its Time Getting To Know Everyone Personally.

I treat everyday like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I rest, don't run and load up on carbs.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?

Cripple kill.

I'm appalled that the quadriplegic society won't allow me to run in their presidential election

I won't stand for it!

Due to new trade agreements, China becoming increasingly concerned about running out of oil.

No big supplies there.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

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