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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

John runs a booming 5-star hotel business in his town.

One day, a bald headed guy comes to his hotel and asks for Room 690 specifically.

"But sir, that room is already occupied. We could give you another room."

"I'll pay you ten times more. I need that room."

John, obviously lured by the money, gives him the room. But the bald head...

Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine?

They discovered they could make alcohol out of them

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.

Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.

A man was driving along a country road when he looked next to his car and saw a chicken was running alongside his car

The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph. He thought, "Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?" So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.

"This can't be right.", the man thought. "No chicken can run this fast." ...

What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run?

A small medium at large!

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”

The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”

So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”

Then the priest says: “No son, you’r...

Don't think that buying shares in a company means you get a say in how it's run.

The company probably issued a billion shares and you've only got one. Which means it's nanoyourbusiness.

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

Man goes for a run, but not for a reason you may think.

Rick: “Honey, I’m home!”

Wife: “Oh my, you’re certainly sweating a lot! Did you finally go for a run?”

Rick: “That’s right, but-“

Wife: “I’m so proud of you! You should go running more often-“

Rick: “But-“

Someone knocks on the door.

Wife: “Who is it?”
...

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

What do you call a Bakery run by a person with Parkinsons

A Shake’n’Bake

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

I judge people by how fast they run.

Does that make me a racist?

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

My friends water got cut-off recently and he's starting to run out. I sent him a card.

"Get Well Soon"

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

Alcoholics don't run in my family

They stumble around and break stuff

A boy goes hysterically running to his father

Father: what's the problem dear?

Son: I just found out that ghosts are real!

Father: Nonsense! Who told you that?

Son: our maid told me that she has seen ghosts.

Father: Quick! Pack your bags! We're leaving right now!

Son: why? What happened?

Father: we don'...

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Why did the panda run away after sex?

Because a panda eats bush and leaves

Then the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and says to the man running, “hey” (bom bom bom)

“you never expect the spanish inquisition“

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Did you know you can't run through a campground?

You can only ran... 'cause it's past tents.

What's worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with runs.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

Mozart runs into a bar...

He’s scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.

The bartender asks, What’s wrong?!? What happened?!?

Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a “wolf gang” and now “imma dazed!”



(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )

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Juggler's running late

A state trooper pulls over a speeder on the Interstate. When he asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Juggler and was running late for a show.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he w...

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

What do you say to grasslands that have run out of nutrients and can no longer support grazing livestock like they used to?

You're pasture prime.

"You can run as much as you want, but you are never gonna hide from me"

said the guy staring at the girl on a treadmill.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captain's crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

First we lived in kingdoms run by Kings, then Empires run by Emperors

Now we live in Countries...

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

A doctor adviced me to start running...

Elect Fried Burrito for office in 2024, people!

How to run a marathon?

Step 1,Step 2, Step 3

Why did the driver run over the sidewalk?

He wanted to flatten the curb

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

I'm so out of shape there's no way I can out run a demon.

So I really need to start exorcising.

Why did the cow run away from the farmer?

Because she knew what was at steak.

After observing that the employees are leaving the tap running and wasting water...

Just above the sink, the boss put a sign up in big bold letters 'THINK'

Next day, hoping that it would've gotten the message across, the boss heads straight to the same area to find the water still running and just above the soap dispenser, someone had put a new sign up in the same big bold l...

What did one melon say to the other when it was asked by it to run away and get married?

We cantaloupe

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

It seems I’ve joined a church run by the Thieves’ Guild.

We’ve been reading the Bribe-al.

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A man escapes from a prison after 10 long years. He breaks into a house looking for anything that might help him stay on the run.

Inside, he finds an attractive couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the woman to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours. She's moaning in pure bliss despite the terrible circumstances...

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

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My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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Two priests are running from a burning school

The first stops and says, "what about the kids?"

The second priest yells "FUCK THE KIDS!"

The first replies "Are you sure we have enough time?"

What happened to Batman and Robin when they got run over by a steamroller?

They became Flatman and Ribbon.

Why does a leprechaun laugh when he runs?

Because the grass tickles his balls.

How far does a dog run into the woods?

Half way in. The other half he's running out.

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front doors of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running towards the exit, trampling over each-other in a frantic effort to try and escape evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious of the fact that God's mortal enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walks up to the man and asks, "do you know who I am?"

The man replies, "yep, sure do."

"Aren...

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.

Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

What cult is run by birds?

The Coo Clucks Clan

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family.

It's that nobody runs in your family.

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I got told that having sex is the exercise equivalent of running two miles.

I don't believe it. Who the hell runs two miles in 30 seconds?!

What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?

Shredded tweet



I’ll show myself out

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pa...

Feet are for running, and noses are for smelling, but . . .

my feet smell and my nose runs.

Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....

He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed t...

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

I just witnessed my friend fall on the staircase, he was badly hurt so i came running and asked:

Are the stairs ok?

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it

Did you hear that some white supremacy supporters are holding a fun run?

They are saying it will be the most superior race in town

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.



If anything, it made him more sluggish.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I once knew a rancher who was always afraid that his cows will run away

What a cowherd

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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What do you call a girl from Alabama that can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

A rabbit on a run through the forest.

So there's this rabbit running through the forest. After a few minutes he comes across a fox who's about to light up a joint. The rabbit kicks the joint from the fox's mouth, saying: "That's bad for your health, you're better off if you join me on my run!" So the fox says, "You're right!" and joins ...

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Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

My lazy no good son said he's going to run away from home.

I said good that'll be the first physical workout you've had in three years.

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Once there were two boys running from a bunch of soldiers in a war...

Once there were two boys running away from soldiers through the woods, when they finally came to a lake. One of the boys hid behind some bushes next to the lake, and the other one hid underwater. They both decided that when the soldiers left, boy nr. 1 would warn the other one that he could come out...

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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