UPJOKE
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We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I may vote for it.

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family

It’s that no one runs in your family.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

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I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country

but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, he hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man then turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in th...

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

Obama went on a run

and fell in a river.

-

three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it.

-

The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought i...

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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean?

The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By running.

J.K!

Rowling.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

I was running down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

what a trip down the memory lane

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey José.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

Alcoholism doesn’t run in my family

It drives

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

An assassin is running towards Trump

His personal bodyguard sees him and shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the assassin and he runs off in the other direction.

Trump turns to his bodyguard and says “ Thank you, but why did you yell Mickey Mouse” The bodyguard replies “Sorry Sir, I meant to say Donald, Duck.”

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

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The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around

so they wanted to get rid of some of them. To go about this, they decided to offer $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body that they wanted measured. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. He was 69 inches, so he received...

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".

It's hard on your joints.

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my grandmother started to run 5 miles a day at the age of 60

She's 83 now and we don't know where the fuck she is

I used to run a dating service for chickens

but I was struggling to make hens meet.

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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What do you call a Nun on the run?

Virgin Mobile

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

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They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

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If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.

If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

A policeman runs over to a hit-and-run victim, who says “My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!”

The cop says, “That car hit you from behind. How do you know it was your mother-in-law?” The victims says, “I recognize the laugh.”

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

"Hello, 911? I want to report a hit and run"

Dispatcher: What was the make and model of the vehicle?

Me: It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.

Dispatcher: How do you spell that?

Me: Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.

My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"


-Rodney Dangerfield

Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man *ran* by a campsite” because it’s past tents

A Comedian Runs Out Of Jokes.

A desperate comedian is pacing outside a pub, tearing his hair out with worry.

A homeless man, sat in a puddle, looks on and asks the man what's wrong?

The comedian tells him hes ran out of jokes, and he's due to go and perform in two minutes. If he uses other people's jokes he'll be...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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A guy runs away and joins the French Foreign Legion...

...and a couple of squaddies show him around. "Here's where we camp, here's the toilet, and here's the camel for when you get horny."

"What?" the guy says, incredulous.

"Yeah," the squaddies say. "Here there are no women--not even photos are allowed."

"No way am I using that cam...

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Back in the day, Chicago was run by the Irish mob

Now, before the Italian mob took over- I'm sure you all know Al Capone, Frank Nitti, Lucky Luciano, and the like- Prohibition era Chicago was run by the Irish mob.

The Irish gangs owned Chicago outright for a solid 18 months after Prohibition went into effect, before police raids, pressure fr...

Why do vampires hate running a big business?

Too many stakeholders.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

I am really scared of encountering cougars when I go on a run

If I ever saw one , I'd Puma Pants .

2 nuns were sitting on a park bench when a guy came running through and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke...

The other one couldn't reach.

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

So "naked running" is going for a run without smartphones or earbuds!

I wish I knew this two hours ago

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one l...

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

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Run.

Scientists say that making love use's the same amount of calories as running a mile, I think that is bullshit, who the fuck can run a mile in fifteen seconds.?

How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

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I’m back with another shitty joke for y’all. So an armed man runs into a real estate agency and screams…

NOBODY MOVE!!!

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

Why did the moo run away?

Because it’s a cow word

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor.

He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family, and creates criminals, then I’m against it!

But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund ne...

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

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An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

A mouse is running away from a cat.

Just before the cat catches it, the mouse sees a small hole in the floor and manages to slip in. So it sits there, trembling in terror, not knowing if the cat is away or not.

Suddenly it hears loud barking - *Woof! Woof!*

'Oh, great,' the mouse tells itself. 'A dog came, chased the cat...

You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

I went to a restaurant run by dwarves and the service was terrible

In their defence, they're short staffed

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

Why does the river Thames run through London?

If it walked, it'd get stabbed.

Run Grandpa run!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several...

How running a business in these days feels

The taxation office suspected a business owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employee and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Business Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $5,0...

A little boy runs up to his father with a question.

"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"

The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."

"...but I did get shot in the leggy."

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"Oh my!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in ...

Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history

He also caught that ball

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

Why did the run-on sentence start panicking?

It was late with its period.

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Ace Ventura decided to run for politics

He's already good at talking out of his ass.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

A dwarf from Prague runs into a bar…

“Help! Help! The Secret Police are after me. Can you cache a small Czech?”

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time.

It's a little, fit bunny.

I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list

No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it’s gone.

Everytime I eat rice, I run out of breath.

My doctor believes I am Basmatic.

What did the magician do when he was on the run?

He turned himself into the police.

Whenever my wife starts singing, I quickly run and sit outside where the neighbours can see me

I don't want them to think that am hitting her.

How did computers run before Microsoft?

Well.

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

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Two friends, Sarah and Kate, who haven't met in a while, run into each other.

Sarah: You know, my boyfriend bought me a Mercedes two weeks ago.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And yesterday, he gave me a pearl necklace.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: And in a month, we are going on a three-week-long vacation on Hawaii.

Kate: Amazing!

Sarah: Thanks. But,...

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

I was asked to run today's London marathon.

I said I'm flattered but I don't believe I could organise such a big event.

What will be running through the mind of a person who's suffocating??

Definitely not oxygen.

Why can't you run inside the office building?

Because it's nsfw.

I saw this guy running down the road with a bunch of monsters. When I asked him what he was doing he said:

I’m exercising my demons.

If you run at 11 PM you are a night person. If you run at 5 AM you are a morning person.

If you run at 11 PM you are a night person.

If you run at 5 AM you are a morning person.

If you run at 3 AM you are a suspicious person.

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is.

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

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What if you run around a tree with the speed of light?

You can fuck yourself

What kind of car runs on leaves?

An autumn-mobile!

Which animal has a shell and can run really fast?

A galoppagos tortoise

What do you call it when a theater kid runs into a wall?

Blunt force *drama*.

I used to run a pro-life debate team.

No one could de-fetus.

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce...

and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

If I ever run into my ex again . . .

I hope I'm going 100 mph.

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