This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

Why can't you run through a camp ground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

I really didn’t want to go for a run today.

But then the cops showed up from nowhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A programmers wife asked him to run to the store

She said "go to the store and get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen"

He came back with a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs because he's not a retard and can recognize what she means.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a chlamydia-infected photographer whose father has the runs?

A snap-happy clappy chappie with a crappy pappy.

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an en...

A Motivational Speaker Runs a Hot Dog Stand

A customer comes and buys a hot dog. The hot dog costs $3 and the customer gave a $5 bill. The Motivational Speaker takes the $5 and pockets it.

The customer, now angry, shouted "Hey! Gimmie my change!"

To which the Motivational Speaker responded, "Change is from within."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Preist and a Rabbi run out of a burning building

The Preist says,"Waphat about the kids?"


The Rabbi responds with, "Fuck the kids!"


The Preist asks, "Do we have time?"

During Christmas time, a little kid runs to the kitchen and screams:

"Mom! The Christmas tree is burning!"
The mother replies: "You don't say it's burning, you say it's shining."
After few minutes the little kid returns and screams:
"Now the curtain is shining, too!"

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running

Andrew Yang: I am running

Kamala Harris: I am running

Elizabeth Warren: I am running

Joe Biden: Me too

​

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Thai woman runs into a wall, what does she break?

Her boner.

If a bar runs out of alcohol

If a bar runs out of alcohol, there is no pint in going to the bar.

Why do Dwarves laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls!

A man runs into a bar

He didn't win the gymnastics competition.

A coach is watching one of his players run laps on the track.

Coach: “You’re almost done kid! Just tumor!”

Kid: “I don’t think I cancer.”

Which race is the most profitable to run?

A 401K

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

Why did the soldier run when the blond threw a pin at him?

She had a grenade in her mouth

Why did Helen Keller get run over by a train...

Because she was standing on the train tracks

Why did Michael Jackson run to the Gap?

Because he heard that kid's pants were half off!

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

Whats one problem you can run from?

Obesity

How far can a dog run into the woods?

Halfway. After that, he’s running out of the woods

I finally made a machine that can run forever!

"how do you know it will run forever?"


"Because it runs on r/jokes complaining about reposts"

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

Yanni trips on a cable while performing with Michael Jackson. MJ runs up to him and asks

Yanni are you okay?

So Yanni are you okay

Are you okay Yanni

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I run an Antiques shop with my wife

One day, as I'm in the middle of haggling with an elderly customer over a cracked 18th century vase, my wife runs in, flustered, and exclaims: "Quick! Come outside and see what these bastards are doing!".

Confused, I apologise to the patron and follow her outside to see a group of workmen in...

I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

Man : So you see, Doctor, the problem is that obesity runs in my family.

Doctor : No. The problem is that *nobody* runs in your family.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

Don’t run with the scissors

And don’t scissor with the runs

If Biden wins the primary and runs against Trump...

It's going to be an uncomfortably close election.

I asked my boss if he'd run over a few things with me.

I think I'm a bit too morbid to be a tractor driver.

After causing a car accident, I decided to run from the cops.

Double or nothing.

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'm a sex offender, and I'm on the run..."

"I'm afraid I can't help you too much," replies the bartender, "although I can probably hide you in the basement."

"Thanks, I really appreciate this." The man responds.

As the bartender shows the man to the basement he asks "Is there anything I can get you while you're here?"

"A...

They say Bernie is gonna run again in 2022

I guess he uses the same workout plan as me.

A rancher runs up to a cowboy...

Rancher: What happened? How did the sheep get loose?

Cowboy: Apparently, she hasn't been doing her Kegel exercises...

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

When is the best time to run a marathon?

During Lent. That's when you fast.

A little girl runs to her mum

"Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!"

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

What has four legs, a tail and runs?

A cow in panty hose.

​

What has four legs, a tale and smells?

​

A cow with the runs

​

What has four legs, a tail and walks?

​

A cow batting 400

​

What has four legs, a tail an...

Why didn’t melon run away to get married?

Because It cantaloupe.

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

How you make samurai run away?

You sho gun

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very drunk Irish man runs out of money for beer while in a pub...

In desperate need of another drink he says to the bartender "Please, I am out of money but I will do anything for another beer"

The bartender thinks about it for a minute and says "well mate I got a dog in the backroom with an awful toothache, I don't have the heart to pull it out myself but...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate when people say, "obesity runs in my family"

Bullshit! No one runs in your family!

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests

He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not."

So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."

Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here...

The CEO of Capital One was gonna run for president but has since withdrew his candidacy.

Apparently they asked people how likely they were to vote for him but there was.......

0% interest

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

A man is sitting at a bar when a cop runs in.

"Sir," the cop shouts, holding up a strip of undeveloped film, "Is this you?!"

The man looks at the film strip, then at the officer. "That's a negative, sir."

Once, three fugitives were on the run from the police.

Walking down a street together one day, a police recognised them and ask for their names. The first looked around, and said, “Calvin, Calvin Klein.”
The second one, catching on, looked around for other brands and said, “Marc, Marc Jacobs.”
The third one, looked around and said, “Ken.” The pol...

The driver from a Hit and Run was arrested

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : it was snowing, the ground was slippery, I was, I was..

Detective : those are just excuses buddy.. Tell me, was this on purpose?

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An irritable old man runs into a kid on a narrow path

The path isn't wide enough for two people to go side by side. The grumpy old man, who hates kids, refuses to move to the side, and says "I don't give way to assholes".

"That's ok, I do", says the kid and lets the old man cross.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

How many parties does it take to run a democratic nation?

Two, one to... just kidding you can't run a democratic nation on two parties.

TIL that while little is known about the Tiananmen Square "Tank Man," many eyewitnesses claim that he was actually run over shortly after the famous footage was taken. Indeed, the Mandarin nickname for this folk hero is "The Lobster"...

...because he was a crushed Asian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Day 267 without sex..

I just took a run in flip flops to hear what it sounds like again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

Don't run with bagpipes

You could get kilt

Which mouse runs on two legs? Mickey mouse. Now which duck runs on two legs?

Every duck runs on two legs.

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.

They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.

So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
...

What fuel does a Tranny Van run off?

Gender fluid

My friend gave his horse marijuana thinking it would make him run faster.

I asked him to get off his high horse immediately.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope and a Cardinal run out of a church on fire

Cardinal: “What about the children?”

Pope: “Fuck the children!”

Cardinal: “Do you think we have time?”

is hating a certain race ok?

I run 5k but my friends run 18 k and I hate running the 18k marathon. What do I do?

What did the biscuit say when it got run over?

Nothing. Biscuits can’t talk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Oh man, I've got the runs.

Same day, different shit.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

It's kind of nice to run into your ex on the street.

She flew at least a good 25 yards away, liberating experience.

What did the crow say when his friend got run over by a hit and run driver?

Caw the Cawps!

Backstory - my daughter just woke up telling me about her nightmare - I was driving her down a road, and kept running over crows in the road, she would look back and would see crows mourning over their friends. We had to keep driving back and forth through the same road because...

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts, "Mick, some assholes stole your car!”

Mick says, "Did you see who did it?"

Paddy replies, "No, but I got the license number!”

What do you call a group of people that run around and tickle people?

A Gucci Gucci Gang

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Superman & Batman meet to go for a Costco run.

Every 3 months or so, Superman & Batman meet up and go for a Costco run together. This particular morning, Batman is waiting for Superman to show up and he's late by over an hour. He's always been on time up until this morning. A little while later, Batman sees Superman flying towards him. As Su...

In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".

At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".

The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervo...

A Rabbi and a Priest run out of a burning school.

The Priest stops and says,"Wait, what about the children?"

The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"

The Priest asks,"Do you think we'll have time?"

A black Jewish boy runs home from school

He asks his dad, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

I texted my wife we’ll have to delay our evening run.

I was running a bit late

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?"

She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?"...

What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

Not paying for a meal is called a Dine and Dash..

Surely not paying for a haircut is a cut and run?

They said a hooker would be cheaper than a girlfriend in the long run.

But it still cost me my marriage.

How many congressmen does it take to run a government?

This post is government funded, please check back after the shutdown has ended and funding has resumed.

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

How do crabs run in Alabama?

They run in family.

Why do dogs run in circles?

It’s too hard to run in squares

Did you hear about the guy who tried to run a race with empty two-liters as shoes?

Yeah... He was soda feeted.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, “bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.”

From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes “bang bang”

This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.

A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. “Hey Muhammad! You run out of a...

Me: Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

If a man using a prostitute has to run 42 kilometers away from the police...

Is that a Johnathon?

My friend told me that he could create a biological electric current to run through a capacitor.

I said, "weird flux but ok."

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

A man runs a well-known bakery. One day, a kid enters his bakery.

"Hello, sir. Do you have spinach pies?"

"I'm sorry, buddy... I don't have them right now..." - said the man.

The kid leaves. On the next day, 2 kids enter the bakery.

"Hello, sir." - say the kids at unison - "Do you have spinach pies?"

"Sorry, kids, I'm afraid I don't hav...

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew runs over to the hospital

He has heard that his friend Raymond is in there, but doesn't know why. As soon as he finds his room in the hopsital, he goes to the doctor and asks,

Israel?

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher the...

So I just found out the Salvation Army is run by the Protestant church...

Talk about your worn again Christians...

If Spidey is out chasing bad guys and he runs out of webbing but is still jumping over cars and climbing buildings, what name does he go by?

Peter Parkour

(Apologies if this is a re-post, but I did come up by myself. My kids hated it too.)