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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I'd vote for it

In this time of unrest if you run out of food you can always count on your neighbors.

Just remember it takes 24 hours to thoroughly cook an adult human.

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family.

It's that nobody runs in your family.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

What will people use when they run out of toilet paper because of the panic buying?

Depends.

My lazy no good son said he's going to run away from home.

I said good that'll be the first physical workout you've had in three years.

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

Joe Biden is running for President.

Biden: Joe who?

If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired

what's the difference between a run down bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

one is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

Kid at my school, running for class president:

"Hello, everyone please stand up."

*we stand up*

"Okay, you can sit down again now."

*we sit down*

"That was to show that i have power over you. Vote for me."

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I really think reddit was onto the sinister powers that run the world with the whole Epstein thing

I mean, they burned down half of Australia, almost started a world war, invented a new virus... just to distract us

[edit] : of course this post will be buried. And we know who did that. No way it will be because my jokes are lame.

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Last night I took a call from an unknown caller who giggled as they asked if my fridge was running.

So I checked and geeze I was pissed. It had been and it left its muddy shoes lying by the front door.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island and all the passengers see a bearded man running around, waving his arms wildly. "Captain." one of the passenger asks. "Who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea." the captain says.

"But he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

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Why do noses run and feet smell?

I don't know, but my ass itches and my finger stinks.

Why couldn’t the melons run off and get married?

They cantaloupe

Mommy Mommy I keep running around in circles

Shut up before I nail your other foot to the floor

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For people in Australia who run out of toilet paper right now

it is a really shitty situation

Running a chicken farm is more complicated than I thought.

There are so many layers...

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I once had an unexpected run-in with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem.

He just came out of nowhere.

What do you call an iguana that runs a casino?

The lizard of odds.

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

What time is it when you see 16 dogs running down the street?

Fifteen after one.

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Was running late so I jacked off in the herb garden.

I wanted to cum on thyme.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Man: You can’t give me a ticket! I have to run a marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

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A man goes running on the beach every morning. (Nsfw)

So there's this guy and every morning he goes for a run on the beach.


One day he sees a woman, with no arms and no legs just lying in the sand and crying.


So he walks up to her and asks what's wrong and she says


" well all my life, nobody has ever given me a hug." ...

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn’t work

Fishes just finished it's box office run

It flopped.

I go for a run 3 days a week!

I do wish the ice cream truck went down my street more often though.

A man runs into a doctor's office, shouting "Doc, I need your help!"

The doctor asks what's wrong, the guy says "I think I'm a moth".

The doctor says "Sir, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park.

“Are you sure it was lost?” the mother asks.

“I’m positive,” the boy replies. “I even saw the guy looking for it.”

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If a King rules a Kingdom and an Emperor rules an Empire, then who runs a Country?

A Cunt

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

Three crooks are running from a cop...

They run down an alleyway and each leap into a sack to hide. The cop rounds the corner, walks up to the first sack and gives it a whack with his truncheon. Quick as a flash the first guy starts woofing like dog. Cop moves on to the next sack and gives it a whack. Second guy, quick as a flash, starts...

A cowboy gets captured by Indians, they tell him before they kill him that he gets 3 wishes. He tells them ”I wants to talk to my horse”, so he whispers in his horses ear, it runs off and returns with a naked woman on it, he rolls his eyes and tells them he again “I want to talk to my horse!”

So he whispers in his horses ear and again it runs off and comes back with a naked woman!, again he rolls his eyes and they tell him he has one more wish!, he says “I want to talk to my horse” this time he screams into the horses ear,.. I said Posse !

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A lion sees a spring running while wandering through the jungle.

He leans in to take a drink, head down, rear up and his tail swaying in the air. A gorilla wanders by and gives the lion the old Liberace and runs off. The lion gives chase through the jungle. The gorilla comes upon a campsite at the edge of the jungle and dashes into a tent. He grabs a hat, puts it...

If my Angus runs for president...

...He’ll be a prime candidate.

Communism was bound to not work in a long run

Red flags were always there.

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face....

....We never went back to Thailand since!

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They say during sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles

Nobody runs 5 miles in 2 minutes

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon ev...

Why do non Jewish movies run for so long?

It’s because they’re uncut

My iPod stopped running

It cannot even walkman

Why shouldn't you use a fitting room in a store run by Team Rocket?

They might try to take a Pikachu!

What do you call an illegal liquor shop run by rats?

A Squeekeasy

What does a school and a Running track have Alike?

If you hear a gunshot, it's time to run.

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I remember running from a fight in the 5th grade. My grandma said "either you fight him, or you fight me"

I whoopped her ass that day.

Did you hear about the horse running for President?

He's promising a stable economy.

My neighbor leave his sprinkler running constantly sometimes days at a time..

It's really irrigating.

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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

The peanuts are running around the yard playing tag...

The peanut that is It keeps yelling, “I’m gonna cashew!”

A treasure chest falls down from an airplane: Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus, a corrupt politician and an honest politician all run to the place where it lands. Who gets the treasure?

The corrupt politician, because all the others are fictional characters.

Growing up in Germany, we always had this game that we'd play where we'd run around and hit each other with bread

Man, I miss Gluten Tag

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A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench and a little boy runs by.

The priest leans over and says “we should fuck him” and the Rabbi says “out of what?”

I feel like time has run out

All the clocks in my house are blinking 00:00

Two friends are driving together in a car when the driver runs a red light

“what the hell is your problem? The light was red!” says the passenger.

The driver calmly responded, “Don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time!”

They continue driving for another minute when they approach another red light. The driver runs through it without hesitation....

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

What's the hardest thing about running 5k a day?

Keeping it to yourself.

A soldier is running from the Military Police

He spots a Nun and says, "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later."

The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by.

The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says, "Yes! He went that way...

2 cowboys are walking through the desert. One of them sees a tree covered in bacon and runs towards it.

He is instantly shot. Because this was no bacon tree. This. Was a *ham bush.*

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

If you want to run on the slippery floors,

Then knock yourselves out

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

What do you call it when pizza gives you the runs?

Pizzeria.

Donald Trump runs into a bar

The bartender asks "hey buddy, why are you all sweaty? Did you ride your bike to get here?"


Donald replies "No. Iran."

My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around

There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fl...

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I wear a mask and run around punching women in their breasts.

It’s my secret I dent titties.

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

Knew this youtube channel that was run by a necromancer

He mostly does unboxing videos.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

You can't run through a camp site

You can only ran because it's past tents

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.

Runs in the family.

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

What do you call a fast food chain run by slaves?

Three Guys

I was playing a flight sim yesterday and suddenly my game started running really slowly, which was very annoying

I hate jet lag.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

What do Farmers Get when their wives run off with Tractor Salesmen?

A John Deere Letter

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Black haired girl are running from the police.

So they run into a farm and split up.

The Black haired girl runs behind a cow,
the Brunette runs behind a pig, and the Blonde runs behind a sack of potatoes.

Night comes and the police eventually find the barn and and search it. One of policemen look through the cattle and shines a ...

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead were running away from the cops.

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead were running away from the cops.
They spot a barn and they all run inside where the see 3 large empty canvas bags. They each hide in one of them. Minutes later the police officers enter the barn.
They search all around and finally get to the three bags.
...

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

Two friends are out hunting and one of them falls off a cliff edge. The other one runs down and calls 911 and says "my friends fallen off a cliff and I think hes dead!" The lady on the other side of the phone says, "before we do anything else we have to make sure."

She hears a gunshot, then the hunter gets back on the phone and says, "now what?"

I borrow money from the bank so I can build my new store, but I feel so strong running this entire operation by myself.

I guess I’m a true loaner when it comes to business.

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

Chicken! Run!

A man has been suffering from a rare delusion: he considered himself to be a grain of wheat, and was therefore mortally afraid of the chickens.

He has eventually been hospitalized and treated for about a year. At his annual check-up, the attending asked this guy if he was still considering hi...

A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race.

The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, he didn’t have enough stamina to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first mile, but the tomato fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the race when he collapsed from exhaustion right in front...

Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

Why are kenyans so fit and run so fast?

They do Naerobics.

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What do you call a Christian boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin.

I heard you father was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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