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Defeat Jokes

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After the defeat of the Axis Powers in World War II...

The Allied Troops, during their visit to Berlin right after the war, were shocked to find tons of experimental technological inventions that were supposed to help Germany win the war.

One of these was a special pre-satellite era GPS system that could be mounted to a car, and told directions w...

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Make a sentence with Defence, Defeat and Detail...

Little Johnny was back from his summer break where he'd toured the Italian countryside.

The language teacher wanting to spur grey matter in the classroom asked the children to make a sentence with defence, defeat and detail.

After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny raised his hand...

French Navy can defeat any anime villain

They can just use the Power of French Ship

How do you defeat the Russian army?

By Putin em in Ukraine.

How do you defeat a vampire using eggs?

.
.
.
.
Serve ‘em sunny side up

Norris: I can defeat any chess champion in three moves or less.

Boris: You know Chess?

Norris: No, Judo

How do you defeat your enemies?

Chop off their feet.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

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I know how to defeat Thanos

We need to pull up his homophobic tweets from 2009.

How does one defeat Dr. Manhattan?

...with an apple of course!

Crassus was defeated during the campaign for Parthia

Crassus averted.

What is the opposite of defeat?

Da hands

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Did Hitler Defeat Germany?

I mean think about it, he did kill the leader.

If you want to defeat capitalism......

If you want to defeat capitalism
Then you need to rally the *lowercase*

How did the muslim boxer defeat the house intruder?

He hit him with a high jab.

I defeated a chess grand master in three moves.

I stood up; picked up a chair and hit him with it.

You've got to hand it to Trump, he defeated ISIS...

...they gave up operations after Trump shows he can kill more Americans than they ever could.

Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea

He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business

What would be most recent addition to the villains defeated by Captain Jack Sparrow ?

yes, you heard it right

I know how we can defeat the coronavirus.

Tell John Wick it killed his dog.

Who’s the only guy who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.

Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.

America has defeated the pandemic.

By making it an endemic.

What is defeat?

Dem tings dat you put in de shues

Three organized weaklings defeat an army of barbarians.

When asked how they did it, they responded:

"You know what they say, knowledge is power."

The people still didn't understand, so the trio explained it further:

"Well, you see, we were in formation"

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

What did Ken tell Ryu when Ryu thought he couldn't defeat M. Bison?

"SUUUUUUUREYOUCAN!"

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Did you hear about the plan to use sex dolls to defeat ISIS?

They blow themselves up.

What's the only way to defeat Dwayne Johnson?

Paper

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

How did alien defeat predator?

"Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please.."

How do you defeat Polish cavalry?

Turn off the merry-go-round

Wanna know how to defeat Edward Scissorhands?

Just throw rock.

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What directions did the Allies need to locate and defeat the Nazis?

Simple. They just took the third reicht...

How did the cannibal feel after defeating his girlfriend in the Colosseum?

Well, he was gladiator.



*Defeeting

What will ISIS be called when they are defeated?

WASWAS

Sky News: Islamic State have been defeated.

Is that the opposite of being beheaded?.

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis.

They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout “I hate America!” and nothing would happen to me.”

The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, “yes, in t...

Today I defeated a killer clown posse

I went for their jugular

In light of micheal phelps defeat...

You could say he got schooled

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

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A sadistic tyrant was finally defeated and dethroned.

During his decades of reign, the tyrant had used many cruel and unusual punishments against those who had stood against him. He had people doused in boiling water, he had cut limbs off people without just cause, he had them crucified and more.

He enjoyed watching people suffer. However, his b...

Why is it easy to defeat an army of suicide bombers?

There are no experienced ones

Upon admitting defeat, a proud Confederate leader said, “The Union was pretty much right.”

(General Lee speaking)

Why is it ok to hack Cthulhu in as a recruitable hero in a fantasy RTS to defeat the orcs?

Because all's fair in Lovecraft and Warcraft.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire.

I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny.

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Theres an old African Saying "A Lion leading an Army of Sheep can defeat An Army of Lions led by A Sheep".

And like i get the message and its a nice analogy and all but if A Sheep somehow manage to become leader of an Army of Lions, then my moneys on the Sheep

Harry Potter defeated Voldemort but he spared him after saying something, what did he say?

Why So Sirius?

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow

Someone pees "Brezhnev is stupid" into the snow on the Red Square.
The KGB immediately starts an investigation, the results are in the next day:
\- Comrade Brezhnev, be strong. Our doctors confirmed the urine belongs to comrade Gromiko.
Brezhnev defeatedly leans back in his chair. ...

News: Hillary Clinton concedes her defeat to Donald Trump in a private phone call.

Safe to say she's learned her lesson with emails!

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The F...

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

I am still at a loss over Hillary Clinton's defeat and I emailed my consolations to her, ​but never got a response

Do I need to call FBI to look into it​​

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

A blonde walks into an appliance store.

She asks the clerk " Hi, how much is that pink Television?" the clerk replies "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes". She screams discrimination but eventually accepts defeat and walks out.She dyes her hair black, wears sunglasses and goes back the next day, "What's the price for that pink Television...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

Hercules returned after his most recent adventure in the city of Molione...

Hercules returned after his most recent adventure in the city of Molione where he defeated the demigod brothers, Eurytos and Kteatos, who were siamese twins and had the strength of 2 demigods.

At the temple, Hercules spoke to his father Zeus and asked him why he had to slay them when the gods...

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

A Large Russian Division was doing Scouting Recon in Ukraine

From over the Hill they heard a Man Shouting . "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 10 Russian Soldiers " . The General Stopped & Sent 10 Russian Soldiers over the Hill . 5 Minutes of Gunfire was heard & then Silence . Couple of minutes Later they heard "One Ukrainian Soldier can Defeat 100 Ru...

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

What body part always loses in a game?

Defeat

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

The year is 1941...

A Russian general is arguing with a Finnish general about who has the better army.

The Finnish general says, I'll bet you one Finnish soldier can beat ten Russian soldiers easily!

So the Russian general sends ten men over to a nearby hill, where they saw one Finnish soldier. There's so...

Pirates!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party. The first mate went running into the Captain's quarters and said,...

If video games were a human body, which would be the worst part?

Defeat

TIL that all podiatrists on Germany went out of business after WWII

everyone was defeated

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