My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right

I guess I have coping issues.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say that when a woman’s undergarments match, she was planning on having sex...

The same goes for men.

Why do women get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances.

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

When I said I'd challenge myself to a boxing match...

They all said "Sure, knock yourself out"

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

Wrestling Match

A man waited almost an hour in line to get a ticket to a wrestling match.

Ticket Master: "Quite the wait, don't you think it would be more efficient if these were sold online?"

Man: "Yeah I suppose, but then there'd be no punchline"

What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?

In a hockey game, the fights are real.

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

Did you hear what happened to the large breasted streaker at the match on Sunday?

She got thrown out by the bouncers

Russian bots on Tinder always match with me...

Are they attempting to meddle the erections?

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

Did you see the leper hockey match?

There was a face off in the corner.

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

"I was the man of the match in the football game we played yesterday."

"Really?"

"Yes, the rest of the players were women."

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,

Logan Paul will be there to record it

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

If there's any doubt about what parts of The Hunger Games match the books, we can be sure at least one thing is true to the series; The sound played after someone dies during the games.

That's definitely cannon.

Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match...

When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, "I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reporter asked how...

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amateur challenged a professional wrestler to a match.

As soon as the match started it was obvious that the professional was just toying with the amateur, it wasn’t even a challenge for him. Eventually he decided it was time to end the match, so he tied the amateur in an incredible knot. Hope was almost lost for the amateur, then he saw an opportunity, ...

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland.

During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch.
After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar.
- So how was the game?
- I have won 3 to 1.
- You only scored 3 goals? What happened?
- I was given a red car...

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

If Mayweather wins this match he'll be so consistent...

...that they'll have to start calling him "Mayclimate"

Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

Somebody told me my socks didn’t match

To which I responded, “I have another pair just like these!”

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

God put a match head and a small piece of wood together

It was a match made in heaven

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Potassium and Oxygen had a boxing match.

Both went KO

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'cock

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

Which weighs more, a Bic or a match?

The Bic; it's a little lighter.

There are three guys on a boat

There are three guys on a boat and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Passwords don't match.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

Didja hear the one about the hobbit who ruined the boxing match?

He tried to destroy the ring.

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match?

The person who shouted "Give me an L!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I broke up with my girlfriend because our signs didn't match...

...I'm a Sagittarius, and she's a bitch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

So in this upcoming boxing match, Soulja Boy is being trained by Floyd Mayweather

Where as Chris Brown is just getting another girlfriend to train on

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

The Russian pretzel

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."...

I went to a female Arab boxing match last night.

It was pretty boring, all they threw were high jabs.

Match at the Gas Station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.
"It would go out," the co-worke...

Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match?

Every corner they get, they open a shop on it

How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match?

Good jab.

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?

Because they rain supreme.

Tinder is used for starting a fire

But its pointless if you don't have a match

Did you hear about the golf match between the black golfer and white golfer from South Africa?

Birdie on the last hole would have won the match for the black golfer, but a par tied.

What did Neuer say to Buffon after the match....

GG Buffon

I got into a water fight with the kids next door

they were no match for me and my kettle

An Irish person wants to find something in the dark

He takes his pack of matches, lights them up one by one, looking for something on the floor.

His friend walks in and asks “what are you looking for?”

The Irish person responds “I think I dropped a match”.

A Brazilian and Argentinian find a lamp after a football (soccer) match...

On their way back from a very tight football match, two fans, one Brazilian and one Argentinian bump into each other and see a lamp at their feet.

Assuming there is a genie inside, they begin arguing who gets to rub the lamp first. The Brazilian concedes and allows the Argentinian to go firs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Walks Into A Pet Shop

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner “I want to get a pet that will impress my friends. I don’t want anything normal though, so do you have any weird or extraordinary pets?” The pet shop owner says “I’ve got just the thing.” He pulls out a match box and says “This here is a talking cent...