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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

Which one is more brave, a stone or a match?

A stone, because it’s a little boulder.

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock.

"Why" the blonde asked. "Are you going to set in on fire?

Stop looking for the perfect match…

use a lighter.

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

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A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...

The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.

It's because the cons outweigh the pros.

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 13,239 matches.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "...

I hate Amazon. I went to go buy a lighter.

But all I found was 12,943 matches.

Googled 'how to light a cigar'...

and got 70 million matches.

Why was the leper baseball match cancelled?

People started throwing hands

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours...

However, set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

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I was participating in a wrestling tournament and before my first match the hot ref came up to me and said, do you want some headgear

And I said I would love some, but how did you know my name was gear.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

EDIT: Wow this blew up!

What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match?

Gg Hadid

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

I asked my dentist to put in a new tooth that matched my other teeth

He put in tooth with 4 cavities.

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

α and β played a 1v1 basketball match

β won, because it was Beta.

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

Have you ever seen a wrestling match?

Of course you haven't, matches can't wrestle if they come in boxes

What animal always wins a match?

A Cheetah

Miniskirt

In the queue at the bus stop is a young pretty lady.
She is dressed in a very tight leather miniskirt and matching leather boots and leather jacket.
The bus comes and it is her turn. When she tries to get on the bus she notices that because of the tight miniskirt she can't get her leg high eno...

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

When a man has money to burn...

...he'll find a woman who's a perfect match.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

I lit my lantern with a match but now I’m too tired to carry it

I should have used a lighter flame

I was talking to my friends about a threesome I had in Thailand. They said it must have been like winning the lottery.

They were right, we had 6 matching balls

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

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A lawyer on an aeroplane

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer decides to pass the time by asking her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks...

What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room?

*KABOOM!*

So... I matched with a Chinese girl on Tinder. Her bio said I like my men like I like my food.

My opening message was “I’m Batman!”

A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant

The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

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I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

Have you ever seen ....

I've been saving these to send to my grandsons. The more the merrier - feel free to add your own.

A horse *fly*?

A goldfish *bowl*?

A shoe *box*?

A floor *mop*?

A cat *fish*?

A spelling *bee*?

A chimney *sweep*?

A chicken *strip*?

A monk...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."



"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholest...

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day...

... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match?

Tell him it’s a women’s singles event.

Yeah Tinder is great and all

But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

A couple goes into a bar

They rub their hands on the rough table surface and fire came up.

I guess they were a match.

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

Bill and his friends were out for their weekly golf match.

A funeral procession goes by and Bill stops I the middle of his swing, takes off his hat, and bows his head until they have moved on.

"That was pretty moving how you showed respect there Bill", one his buddies says.

"Well. We were married for 25 years!" replied Bill.

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you u...

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?

Playing with matches.

Do you know why Canadian women like it doggie style?

They want to watch the hockey match, too.

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

Today I Google cigarette lighters

I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.

The pain of PSG

After a tragic and devastating loss in the UCL final,the players and staff return to their hotel with heavy hearts and minds.While traveling back to the stay on the bus,even finishing check-in,none of them have the
intention to speak a word.

But then the hotel goes into a blackout;an...

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

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[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

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The better a match you are to a job, the dirtier of clothes you can wear to the interview and still get it.

The next guy came in with a shit stain on his pants and I hired him on the spot. You can't buy confidence like that.

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

Roman soldier

How did the starving male slave forced to compete in ancient Roman death matches for entertainment feel after cannibalizing the largely portioned female oppressor?

Gladiator.

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

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