What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

Stop looking for the perfect match…

use a lighter.

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours...

However, set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

Man from Barcelona is on a work trip to Germany. He hoped to catch the match against Bayern at a bar, but found himself in conferences through the day. When his work day concludes he pops into the hotel bar and asks the bartender for the final score.

Bartender replies: “I sure 8-2 start your evening off this way...”

What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match?

Gg Hadid

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 13,239 matches.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

α and β played a 1v1 basketball match

β won, because it was Beta.

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

EDIT: Wow this blew up!

Have you ever seen a wrestling match?

Of course you haven't, matches can't wrestle if they come in boxes

Went to my nephew's football match the other day

What a semi !

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

What animal always wins a match?

A Cheetah

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

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I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

I lit my lantern with a match but now I’m too tired to carry it

I should have used a lighter flame

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

So... I matched with a Chinese girl on Tinder. Her bio said I like my men like I like my food.

My opening message was “I’m Batman!”

What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room?

*KABOOM!*

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you u...

Do you know why Canadian women like it doggie style?

They want to watch the hockey match, too.

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

The pain of PSG

After a tragic and devastating loss in the UCL final,the players and staff return to their hotel with heavy hearts and minds.While traveling back to the stay on the bus,even finishing check-in,none of them have the
intention to speak a word.

But then the hotel goes into a blackout;an...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day...

... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Roman soldier

How did the starving male slave forced to compete in ancient Roman death matches for entertainment feel after cannibalizing the largely portioned female oppressor?

Gladiator.

How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match?

Tell him it’s a women’s singles event.

Today I Google cigarette lighters

I was shocked when I got over 15 million matches.

I saw a five legged woman crying and I asked her why.

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

im actually out of ideas please give me mercy mods

can a match box?
no, but a tin can.

Two women go to Spain to buy a bull...

Two women got sent to Spain from America to buy a bull for a wealthy Rancher.

They have a great time travelling and sight seeing.
They lose themselves in the fun and end up spending all of their bull-purchasing money buying match tickets to watch the El Classico. Once the euphoria is over,...

Bill and his friends were out for their weekly golf match.

A funeral procession goes by and Bill stops I the middle of his swing, takes off his hat, and bows his head until they have moved on.

"That was pretty moving how you showed respect there Bill", one his buddies says.

"Well. We were married for 25 years!" replied Bill.

Another deserted island joke...

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist are shipwrecked on a deserted island, with only a book of waterproof matches, a set of flares, and a case of canned soup.

“All we have to eat is this soup,” said the chemist as he set of the first flare. “Let’s set the cans here, near the water, so th...

Blonde Revenge

A smart-talking man who thought he could charm the birds off the trees met his match one night.

The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and then he would inherit over 10 million pounds. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local wine bar, where he saw ...

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

A patient walks into a clinic feeling feverish

Doctor: So good news, your temperature matches your favorite radio station!

Patient: My favorite radio station is 106.1...

Doctor: That's the bad news.

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

A German spy infiltrated a British navy ship.

The captain, unknowingly, strikes up a conversation with the chap at dinner:

Captain: "These Germans think they're so smart, but they're no match for the British Navy. Do you actually believe they've sent any spies here?"

Spy: "Uhh, Nein, of course"

Captain: "Nine spies!? Bl...

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

Three guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches to light them with. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

(Not my joke)

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

This Corona app is like Tinder in reverse...

...first you meet, then you find out you have a match and suddenly you feel rather lonely.

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

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The amount of hate I have received for saying "no single moms" on on tinder is insane.

Seriously, I'm an average guy and while I don't get a ton of matches I still try because I'm hopeful. I noticed a lot (it could just be my area) of single moms on tinder and while I don't have a problem with kids, I don't want any right now.

I simply put "not interested in single moms" and bo...

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

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April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

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There was a boxing match. One of the boxers decided to punch his opponent in the groin.

It was a dick move.

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette. So they sent one of the four guys to buy matches, he returned without matches and said there were non left. The they sent another one to go and ask for matches from their neighbours, and he also returned empty handed and said that he didn't find any. So one ...

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An old Japanese sword smith meets his three sons at a shrine, and explains his final wish.

"I refuse to die until I am a great-grand father." He says. "Until you all three of you have given me a great-grand child, I will live on. When each of you grant me this, I will give you all a sword, each matching your personalities." After I give you the swords, I will die.

The child of the ...

I matched with a deer on Tinder.

It sent me a tick pic.

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[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

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Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

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My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

I searched on google “how to start a forest fire.”

It cam up with around 48,500 matches.

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

Why are tennis players always hugging?

Because they always start their matches at love all

(A joke from my Alexa)

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

How many kinds of wood are used in making a match?

Two kinds. He-would and she-would.

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

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