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Match Jokes

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

I love when street names or city names kind of match where you live.

For example, I grew up on Old Dike Road. You can guess who my neighbors were.

That's right, a couple of civil engineers.

Wait, what were you thinking?

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

My tinder match said she identifies as a matador

That's a red flag for me

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

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Why don't kickboxers have sex before the match?

Because they don't like eachother.

Death match

Octopus : [ with a gun in each hand]
Cat : you are one short buddy.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

What do you call a boxing match with no boxers?

A Jake Paul fight

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

Got a Tinder match.

Our first meet up, we were standing there when she leaned closer and whispered, “I see that bulge in your jeans. If you pull that out, maybe we’ll BOTH have a nice evening.”
So, I pulled out my wallet and paid for both movie tickets.

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

What do you call an absolutely bizarre match on a dating site?

A tinder surprise egg

What does the artist say in the beginning of the fencing match?

Avant-garde!

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Two dudes with matching black eyes...

Two dudes with matching black eyes spot each other in a bar.

One man approaches the other and says, "I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours. How'd you get the black eye?"

The man responds, "It was a terrible mistake, really. I was trying to take the train to Pittsburgh this morni...

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

So I matched with a beautiful girl on Tinder

The good news is she didn’t try to get me to join her Onlyfans.


The even better news is she’s going to help me start investing in crypto!

Life is like a golf match

A long series of tough hits until your in a hole in the ground

I think I'm a great match-maker

I paired my Bluetooth earbuds with my phone, and they connected instantly

Haddaway didn't understood the vocabulary used in tennis the first time he saw a match.

He asked "What is love ?"

A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.

An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.

Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.

Gotta weigh the pros and cons

Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware

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My girlfriend & I are a perfect match,

I've got a nine inch dick, & she dosen't know which end of the ruler to measure from.

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

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Why did the boxers agree to have their match in the bathroom?

Because that’s where the shit goes down.

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

EDIT: Wow this blew up!

α and β played a 1v1 basketball match

β won, because it was Beta.

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

I have a wedding at the same time of my World Cup match, can anyone take my place?

The place is St. Parish Church and the Bride's name is Paula.

Stop looking for the perfect match…

use a lighter.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

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A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...

The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.

It's because the cons outweigh the pros.

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

Why do soldiers carry Zippos instead of matches?

Because they are lighter.

So I was in a wrestling match in highschool

It was senior night, I was in the 185 lb weight class and our team desperately needed the points from my bout. The only problem was I up against killer Kenny D from Spartanburg. Dude was going Division 1 and was all state. I didn't think I had a chance against him and his signature pretzel move. Thi...

I watched a singles match between two Mexican fighters the other day

It was Juan-on-Juan

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

Why do Pirates always win boxing matches?

They have a killer hook.

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Why is r/Jokes like a fencing match?

... because you usually win with a riposte!


(This terrible pun is wholly original, so far as I know. Thus it will die in infamy without upvotes)

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

A match is feeling suicidal.

So it scratches its head.

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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

What animal always wins a match?

A Cheetah

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk!

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

Which one is more brave, a stone or a match?

A stone, because it’s a little boulder.

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match

3 hours later he wakes up in a hospital

John: (slowly) Where am I?

Nurse: I. C. U

John: No you can't!!

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

Why was the leper baseball match cancelled?

People started throwing hands

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

Coach after a lost match: I told you to play like never before...

Not like you never played before!

Why does everyone hang out with matches?

Because they're lit.

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

Our soccer team is so bad that our opponents hit the bar three times in the first half of today’s match.

They could have at least waited till the end to celebrate.

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

Mr. T was asked for his comments before his celebrity boxing match with Dave Grohl, he responded with

"I pity the Foo"

I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match?

Gg Hadid

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

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How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

What's the difference between a match and a piano?

A piano burns longer

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

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Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

Did you see the leper hockey match?

There was a face off in the corner.

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

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I asked a few of my mates to come over to my place to see the big match.

When they arrived they were all really confused. You should have seen how scared they got when I lit the bastard.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

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