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I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,

and I asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles & Stevie Wonder?

Endless love

What happens when you light a match in the boy's locker room?

*KABOOM!*

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

My friends dragged me to an elephant boxing match the other day...

... I had a terrible time. It was impossible to tell the fighters apart; they both had gray trunks!

What did the Slovak chess player say when he won the match?

Czech-mate.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

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Match.com is for relationships, Tinder is for hookups, ChristianMingle...

...is for anal.

How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match?

Tell him it’s a women’s singles event.

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

How did Scrooge win the football match?

The Ghost of Christmas passed.

What does a gamer look out for during match making?

Backwards Compatability

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she's homeless

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Bill and his friends were out for their weekly golf match.

A funeral procession goes by and Bill stops I the middle of his swing, takes off his hat, and bows his head until they have moved on.

"That was pretty moving how you showed respect there Bill", one his buddies says.

"Well. We were married for 25 years!" replied Bill.

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Do you know why there was no CSI Alabama?

Hard to write a plot when everyone around has no dental records and a matching DNA.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

I searched on google “how to start a forest fire.”

It cam up with around 48,500 matches.

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

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The pretzel hold

So the wrestling coach comes up to jimmy. "Listen Jimmy, I've seen this kid wrestle 3-4 times. Hes got this pretzel hold man and if he gets you in it your done. Over. So IDK how to avoid it or what but whatever you do watch for that pretzel hold."

Match starts. Not 2 seconds in Jimmies in a ...

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

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A man shows up to work with two black eyes.

His boss noticing the pair of matching black eyes decides to pull him aside and ask him what happened.

"Jesus Dave, how did that happen?"

"Well Bill... There was a woman standing in line at the grocery store with her sundress wedged in her ass crack. So I pulled it out and she blacked ...

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the lottery... To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls!

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Just a typical story repost with a little twist

A proud farmer lying on his deathbed, asked his three sons to find one object that can be used to fill the inside of the barn. The one who can deliver will be chosen as his heir to the farm.

So the oldest son goes to the market to get hay while the middle son go get leaves and the youngest s...

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

Someone I matched with on Tinder asked why I have an unlit cigarette as my pfp

I told her I was looking for matches

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report c...

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There was a boxing match. One of the boxers decided to punch his opponent in the groin.

It was a dick move.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

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A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

A man asks for a beer in a deep bass voice...

...the bartender, in an equally deep voice, says, "Here you go."

I moment later, a man next to him says, in a high, squeaky voice, "I'll have a beer, too."

The bartender replies, also in a high squeaky voice, "Here you go."

"Hey," says the squeaky-voiced man, "Are you making fun...

Three guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches to light them with. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

(Not my joke)

My wife says I can't pronounce Frederick properly.

**DOCTOR:** What? Can you say it again?

**ME:** Frederick

**DOCTOR:** Your pronunciation is perfect, tell your wife that you don't have any problem with that.

**MY WIFE:** What did the doctor said?

**ME:** The doctor said that there is nothing wrong with my pronunciation ...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

I matched with a deer on Tinder.

It sent me a tick pic.

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

How many kinds of wood are used in making a match?

Two kinds. He-would and she-would.

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

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I went to the sperm bank today

I have a fetish for any sperm donated by a man called Ben, so I set off to find some.

The only sample I could find that matched my needs cost an extortionate 1 grand.

I guess that's just the price for Benedict's Cum Per Batch

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

TIL in 1954 the Detroit Red Wings held an exhibition match against inmates at Marquette prison.

The game had its pros and cons.

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

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Two guys wander into a bar...

One of the men shouts to the bartender, “Hey Mike - set ‘em up for me and my pal here.” Then he turns to his slightly dim-witted friend and boasts “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!” That’s not so great”, re...

I saw twins in cute matching outfits and asked them, “Your mom always buys matching clothes for you?”

One replied, “Sir, we are not twins. License and Registration please.”

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

At the end of a job interview, the interviewer asks a young engineer from MIT, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

Engineer: Around $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package

Interviewer: Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Cor...

Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right

I guess I have coping issues.

Tonight, I witnessed two thugs in a dark alley beating up a petite woman. I thought to myself, “I should go help”.

She was no match for the three of us.

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[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

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They say that when a woman’s undergarments match, she was planning on having sex...

The same goes for men.

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Sim...

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

What's the difference between a match and a piano?

A piano burns longer

They say that one tree can make a million matches.

I wonder if this is true. Since I disguised myself as a tree on Tinder, I don't make any matches at all.

How do the gods kindle the flame of love between two soulmates?

With a match made in heaven.

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How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

Bought my wife a matching bag and belt for Valentine’s Day.

She should be able to fix the vacuum cleaner and get it running now.

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Dave walks into his local pub...

...and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.

Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?” Bob replies, “Oh, Dave! Well, I was out there yesterday just waxing my boat and up walks this blonde with the most amazing tits! I start up a conversation and...

Wrestling Match

A man waited almost an hour in line to get a ticket to a wrestling match.

Ticket Master: "Quite the wait, don't you think it would be more efficient if these were sold online?"

Man: "Yeah I suppose, but then there'd be no punchline"

Why is a sketchy Tinder date like a fire?

They both start with a match and end with a burning sensation

You're stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, and only three matches. How do you escape?

Strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

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A guy gets matched with a couple and a gorgeous blonde for a round of golf...

During the round he flirts with the blonde a bit. On the 16th, he says, "How about after the round, I buy you a drink at the club house?"

"I have a better idea," she replies, "I have a place on the lake not far from here. Why don't we head there for some fun. "

Not believing his l...

So, matched with a girl on Tinder. She messaged saying, "C'mon over, nobody is home"

I went over there, nobody was home

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

When I said I'd challenge myself to a boxing match...

They all said "Sure, knock yourself out"

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

Did you hear what happened to the large breasted streaker at the match on Sunday?

She got thrown out by the bouncers

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