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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?

Because he was suspended.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Back when I was married, I found some match sticks left by the stove, where apparently the gas burner hasn't been igniting...

...so I wrote my wife's name on one of the matches there. Later, when she saw the writing and picked it up, she looked at me and asked what it meant.

I looked her straight in the eye, and said: "It means.. .that you've finally met your match."

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

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There was a boxing match. One of the boxers decided to punch his opponent in the groin.

It was a dick move.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

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The better a match you are to a job, the dirtier of clothes you can wear to the interview and still get it.

The next guy came in with a shit stain on his pants and I hired him on the spot. You can't buy confidence like that.

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

How many kinds of wood are used in making a match?

Two kinds. He-would and she-would.

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Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right

I guess I have coping issues.

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They say that when a woman’s undergarments match, she was planning on having sex...

The same goes for men.

Wrestling Match

A man waited almost an hour in line to get a ticket to a wrestling match.

Ticket Master: "Quite the wait, don't you think it would be more efficient if these were sold online?"

Man: "Yeah I suppose, but then there'd be no punchline"

Why do women get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances.

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

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[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

What's the difference between a match and a piano?

A piano burns longer

When I said I'd challenge myself to a boxing match...

They all said "Sure, knock yourself out"

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

Did you hear what happened to the large breasted streaker at the match on Sunday?

She got thrown out by the bouncers

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How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

Russian bots on Tinder always match with me...

Are they attempting to meddle the erections?

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

Did you see the leper hockey match?

There was a face off in the corner.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

"I was the man of the match in the football game we played yesterday."

"Really?"

"Yes, the rest of the players were women."

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

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So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,

Logan Paul will be there to record it

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

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The other day, I saw two men wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were gay

and then they arrested me.

Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match...

When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, "I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reporter asked how...

Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

If there's any doubt about what parts of The Hunger Games match the books, we can be sure at least one thing is true to the series; The sound played after someone dies during the games.

That's definitely cannon.

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 84,500 matches.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple...

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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PIERRE THE FIGHTER PILOT

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.


"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.


"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When...

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A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

Cookies

My tinder profile always has an unlit cigaret in it since i'm always searching for matches.

A Sports Medicine Physician went to Wrestlemania one year to study the rate of concussions among the performers.

While backstage, he bumped into John Cena, and asked him if any of the matches qualified for Continuing Medical Education credit.

The Doctor of Thuganomics looked the physiatrist dead in the eyes; paused, then slowly replied: "No. You can't CME."

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

A woman is taking a walk on the beach at sunset

when suddenly, her foot hits something hard. (No, not that, stop.) It is a magic lamp! She rubs it and the genie comes out :

\- You who found me, I grant you one wish!

\- Only one? the woman answers, but usually it's three!

\- Yeah yeah I know but these a difficult times for eve...

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.

And human chicks are hot.

So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly....

Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don’t have any matches.

So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

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There was a really unlucky man called Bob...

He was so unlucky that he was born with only one testicle!

One day, he decided to buy a plane ticket and go visit his aunt and uncle. He boarded the plane and started to watch the view.

Mid-flight, they went through a horrible turbulance and the captain came out to announce that one o...

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

eBay is so pointless

I tried to search up lighters and all they had was 18,063 matches

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