What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

I just watched an entire, three day long, arm wrestling match by accident.

Turned out to be more gripping than I expected.

How did the octopuses win the football match?

Ten tackles

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

How many kinds of wood are used in making a match?

Two kinds. He-would and she-would.

TIL in 1954 the Detroit Red Wings held an exhibition match against inmates at Marquette prison.

The game had its pros and cons.

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Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

I always bring a piece of paper to a wrestling match, just in case...

The Rock is my opponent.

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?

In a hockey game, the fights are real.

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They say that when a woman’s undergarments match, she was planning on having sex...

The same goes for men.

Why do women get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances.

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

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How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

When I said I'd challenge myself to a boxing match...

They all said "Sure, knock yourself out"

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right

I guess I have coping issues.

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

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[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

Russian bots on Tinder always match with me...

Are they attempting to meddle the erections?

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

Did you see the leper hockey match?

There was a face off in the corner.

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

Did you hear what happened to the large breasted streaker at the match on Sunday?

She got thrown out by the bouncers

"I was the man of the match in the football game we played yesterday."

"Really?"

"Yes, the rest of the players were women."

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

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So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,

Logan Paul will be there to record it

Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match...

When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, "I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reporter asked how...

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

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So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

If there's any doubt about what parts of The Hunger Games match the books, we can be sure at least one thing is true to the series; The sound played after someone dies during the games.

That's definitely cannon.

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

North Korea changes its time zone to match South Korea

Pyong-GOOOOOOOONNNNGGGG

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An Amateur challenged a professional wrestler to a match.

As soon as the match started it was obvious that the professional was just toying with the amateur, it wasn’t even a challenge for him. Eventually he decided it was time to end the match, so he tied the amateur in an incredible knot. Hope was almost lost for the amateur, then he saw an opportunity, ...

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

If Mayweather wins this match he'll be so consistent...

...that they'll have to start calling him "Mayclimate"

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

God put a match head and a small piece of wood together

It was a match made in heaven

2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland.

During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch.
After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar.
- So how was the game?
- I have won 3 to 1.
- You only scored 3 goals? What happened?
- I was given a red car...

A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Somebody told me my socks didn’t match

To which I responded, “I have another pair just like these!”

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

Didja hear the one about the hobbit who ruined the boxing match?

He tried to destroy the ring.

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

There are three guys on a boat

There are three guys on a boat and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to catch an elephant

Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in. Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep. Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest. Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into i...

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What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'cock

I hope all girls have cancer

As their zodiac sign because they’d be a perfect match for me.

An essay on cricket match

Teacher told all students
in a class to write an essay
on a cricket match.

All were busy writing except one Sardarji.
He wrote No match, due to rain!!!

American Indian female wrestling

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A warlock, a cleric, and a sorcerer walk into a bar.

They order a few too many drinks and all begin boasting about their magic abilities, arguing over whose are better. Unable to agree who is the strongest, they decide that the best way to settle it is to have a contest.


Whoever can get them kicked out of the bar wins.


The warlo...

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match?

The person who shouted "Give me an L!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I broke up with my girlfriend because our signs didn't match...

...I'm a Sagittarius, and she's a bitch.

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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

A woman is taking a walk on the beach at sunset

when suddenly, her foot hits something hard. (No, not that, stop.) It is a magic lamp! She rubs it and the genie comes out :

\- You who found me, I grant you one wish!

\- Only one? the woman answers, but usually it's three!

\- Yeah yeah I know but these a difficult times for eve...

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PIERRE THE FIGHTER PILOT

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.


"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.


"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When...

I went to a female Arab boxing match last night.

It was pretty boring, all they threw were high jabs.

So in this upcoming boxing match, Soulja Boy is being trained by Floyd Mayweather

Where as Chris Brown is just getting another girlfriend to train on

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

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