This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

Can a match box?

No, but a tin can.

Asked my grandpa if he watched Austria Hungary football match

he asked me who played against

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

What's the difference between a hockey game and a boxing match?

In a hockey game, the fights are real.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say that when a woman’s undergarments match, she was planning on having sex...

The same goes for men.

Why do women get married in white?

To match the kitchen appliances.

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

I saw the Pope at a football match..

I heard he plays as well and he can whip in a good cross.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the Dickbutts win their soccer match?

They came from behind.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Whenever I do crown molding I can never get the corners to match up quite right

I guess I have coping issues.

When I said I'd challenge myself to a boxing match...

They all said "Sure, knock yourself out"

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

Did you hear what happened to the large breasted streaker at the match on Sunday?

She got thrown out by the bouncers

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

Russian bots on Tinder always match with me...

Are they attempting to meddle the erections?

[NSFW] I had my first boxing match yesterday

It reminded me of the time I lost my virginity, I was bloody and really sore, but at least my dad came

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

Did you see the leper hockey match?

There was a face off in the corner.

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

"I was the man of the match in the football game we played yesterday."

"Really?"

"Yes, the rest of the players were women."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I finally got a tinder match yesterday...

And immediately I started of by asking "So have you heard of the titanic?"

She immediately got pissed and blocked me. I guess in retrospect, I shouldn't have started off with that line.

Its not a very good icebreaker.


P.s - I just thought of this while taking a shit on the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,

Logan Paul will be there to record it

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

Once upon a time, there was a boxer who always wins every single match...

When fans asked him what's his secret, he would just say, "I imagine there's a line on my opponent's face and I hit that line,". On his 100th boxing match, the whole world was watching. He lost. It was his first loss ever in his career. Fans again wondered so he was interviewed. A reporter asked how...

There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

If there's any doubt about what parts of The Hunger Games match the books, we can be sure at least one thing is true to the series; The sound played after someone dies during the games.

That's definitely cannon.

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

A catholic soccer fan man goes to church before every match of his team

And he always prays to a Saint Peter statue and asks it for making his team won.

"Please San Pedro, if my team won this match, I swear I will give you $100".

And because his team is very good, they usually win every match, and the man always fulfill his word and bring the $100 and ...

Did you hear about the score of the football match between Egypt and Ethiopia?

Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

North Korea changes its time zone to match South Korea

Pyong-GOOOOOOOONNNNGGGG

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly

You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amateur challenged a professional wrestler to a match.

As soon as the match started it was obvious that the professional was just toying with the amateur, it wasn’t even a challenge for him. Eventually he decided it was time to end the match, so he tied the amateur in an incredible knot. Hope was almost lost for the amateur, then he saw an opportunity, ...

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

2010. Football match between Brazil and Poland.

During the game Ronaldinho was the only one holding the ball. His teammates decided to leave him alone on the pitch.
After the game Ronaldinho meets his teammates at the bar.
- So how was the game?
- I have won 3 to 1.
- You only scored 3 goals? What happened?
- I was given a red car...

Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...

- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait

1. Israel

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

If Mayweather wins this match he'll be so consistent...

...that they'll have to start calling him "Mayclimate"

Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Somebody told me my socks didn’t match

To which I responded, “I have another pair just like these!”

God put a match head and a small piece of wood together

It was a match made in heaven

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a really unlucky man called Bob...

He was so unlucky that he was born with only one testicle!

One day, he decided to buy a plane ticket and go visit his aunt and uncle. He boarded the plane and started to watch the view.

Mid-flight, they went through a horrible turbulance and the captain came out to announce that one o...

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Didja hear the one about the hobbit who ruined the boxing match?

He tried to destroy the ring.

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill signs up for an online dating app...

...and in a desperate and hasty attempt to hook up with woman, he accidentally sets his preference to men. To Bills' suprise, he receive's a 100% match with a man named Josh. In fear that Bill would hurt Josh's feelings by rejecting him, Bill goes on a date with Josh at a local restaurant. They hit ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'cock

There are three guys on a boat

There are three guys on a boat and four cigarettes, and there are no lighters or matches or anything to light them with, so what do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match?

The person who shouted "Give me an L!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I broke up with my girlfriend because our signs didn't match...

...I'm a Sagittarius, and she's a bitch.

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

Match at the Gas Station

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" John said as a joke.
"It would go out," the co-worke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

So in this upcoming boxing match, Soulja Boy is being trained by Floyd Mayweather

Where as Chris Brown is just getting another girlfriend to train on

I went to a female Arab boxing match last night.

It was pretty boring, all they threw were high jabs.

Create new password: Tomato

Confirm new password: Tomato

Passwords don't match.

A soccer hooligan appears before a judge.

He is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.

​

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.

​

“Sto...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are each locked away for a year in solitary confinement.

Before they are thrown in, they are each allowed to request a year's supply of whatever he wants to help them through the hard time.

The Scotsman asks for whisky, so he gets some and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a fix of Guinness, so several hundred bottles are thrown in. ...

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match?

Every corner they get, they open a shop on it

How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match?

Good jab.

Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?

Because they rain supreme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

The Pope & Mr. Netanyahu

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
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