The 67+ Best Winning Jokes

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the Playstation.

Got asked by two Thai girls if I wanted a threesome. They said it would be like winning the lottery...

...to my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

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My girlfriend took of her shirt and bra during an argument where i was winning...

It was a booby trap!

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

Winning the lottery

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery,
would you still love me?"

I said: "Of course I would! I'd miss you, but I'd
still love you."

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

After winning Wimbledon, Carlos Alcaraz came home to see that someone stole all his cars.

He will be known as Los Alaz from now on.

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an Academy Award-winning actress?

Streep throat

My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery...

I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.

So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd

race and again wins $770!

He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!

The crowds are all around him watch...

Why does the toilet paper keep winning?

Because it’s on a roll

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

In a competition to express luck, peace and quiet in a single sentence, the winning sentence was...

My wife is asleep.

What does a deaf person say after winning an auction?

"I've won... but at what cost?"

A man runs home after winning the lottery

"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"

"I don't care, just get out!"

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Winning the lottery

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”
The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The husband yells back,“It doesn’t...

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

Winning the hearts and minds of the people

An old CCP euphemism for organ harvesting.

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

So who's winning?

Two men talking at the bar:

\- So, whats new?

\- NATO is at war with Russia

\- Oh, so how it's going?

\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three ...

Winning the lottery.

My friend Bob won a million dollars the other day so I asked him what will he do with his winnings?

Bob said "Probably pay off my credit card debt".

I said what about the rest of it?

Bob says "well I suppose it'll get paid off eventually".

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

What do prize winning competitive mushroom pickers eat in the morning?

Breakfast of Champignons

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

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Winning the lottery

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste...

Winning the lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said...

Why does EA keep winning Worst Corporation In America?

Because Ubisoft is French.

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

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Two races horses trot into a locker room, one jumps into the hot tub while the winning horse went and stood next to his locker. The horse in the hot tub says

" How could you have won the race? You were in Last Place on the final turn"

The winning Horse says "Ok, this is going to sound VERY STRANGE, but I felt a Red Hot Poker stick me in the ass, and I took off running. Passing everyone, scared the hell out of my Jockey too."

About that t...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

What's better than winning Gold at the Paralympics?

Having both your legs.

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

What is the first thing an Ottawa Senator does after winning the Stanley Cup?

Turn off his Xbox.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last

Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Bass says "why dont you kill me"

Megaman says "killing isn't my forte"

I put a winning bet on how long a marriage would last?

....shame it was mine

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.

"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"

"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.

"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

What's better than winning the lottery?

Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

My friend is selling sells his award winning Doberman

When asked why he replied. "It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

How do you call two guys fighting in a stable without one winning?

a stablemate

I'm totally winning at this relationship thing

I'm really beating my girlfriend.

A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

What does a Redditor say after winning a 1st place award in a competition?

EDIT: Thanks for the gold

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match?

Gg Hadid

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

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