Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery…

…because 3 years later I was completely broke

An award winning reporter held a finger out to their boss and said...

pulitzer.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

A lion and a cheetah have a game of chess and the cheetah ends up winning.

Annoyed, the lion shouts, "You're a cheater!"
The cheetah snapped back, "You're lyin'!"

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

Congratulations to drugs for winning the war on drugs

What is the first thing an Ottawa Senator does after winning the Stanley Cup?

Turn off his Xbox.

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.

Neither of them work.

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Every year Simon entered the state lottery hoping to win.

He never did. Finally he prayed vigorously, hoping for God's message, he walked around the fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see 7 written on both of her bums .

He bet on 77 as he thoug...

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Last night I had a threesome with two thai prostitutes it was like winning the lottery...

Six balls...

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

I put a winning bet on how long a marriage would last?

....shame it was mine

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An old rabbi wins the lottery

The man wins $3,000,000.00

A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house

She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"

The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family...

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Megaman and bass get into a fight, and megaman is winning.

Bass says "why dont you kill me"

Megaman says "killing isn't my forte"

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery...

I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

What do Corona and Trump winning the elections have in common?

Long-term effects.

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My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

My friend is selling sells his award winning Doberman

When asked why he replied. "It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

Winning is essential

Because the only person that will remember you coming second is your girlfriend.

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

What did Zayn say to his girlfriend after winning the match?

Gg Hadid

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