A dyslexic wine connoisseur went to a wine tasting event...

...one wine he taated was only half decent at best.

When asked to write a short review he wrote: "It's oaky, but not nearly okay enough."

I strongly believe women are like fine wine.

They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.

Drink wine....

It's not good to keep things bottled up.

I am a wine enthusiast

The more I drink the more enthusiastic I become

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Man: I love my women like fine wine.

Woman: To enjoy them after dinner?

Man: Secretly and securely hidden in my basement.

A couple is sitting in the living room sipping wine.

Out of the blue, the wife says, "I love you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" asks the husband.

"It's me," says the wife. "Talking to the wine."

Jesus turned water into wine

Now I drink it to make a 6 look like a 9

Drinking an entire bottle of wine in under an hour is a lot like entrusting a secret to a unreliable person;

It's bound to come up sooner or later!

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

My wife gets really mad at me when I mess with her red wine.

I added some Sprite and oranges, and now she’s sangria than ever.

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

Good friends are like fine wine

That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

What’s the most you‘ve spent on a nice bottle of wine?

About 15 minutes.

I met a wine maker that wouldn’t give my money back when I told him he’d given me the wrong vintage.

It was the vintner of my discontent

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

Why did the vegans go to the wine and cheese event

Because they wanted to wine about the cheese

If red wine is the blood of Christ...

I'm never having white wine again.

Waiter: wine?

Date: I don’t drink

Waiter: water?

Me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

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My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex.

Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.

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Roses are red, wine is not water

When my cumsock grows mushrooms does that mean I am a father?

What's the difference between priest and wine lover?

Wine lover likes when its older

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

Holy crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the holy men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a priest I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing le...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, reme mber the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a...

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Whats a horses favorite wine?

Chardonneigh

A guy walks into a redneck bar.

A guy walks into a redneck bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."

"North Dako...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

If wine is Jesus's Christ's blood and bread is Jesus's Christ's body

Then what is mayo?

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The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

It only takes one glass of wine to put me under...

Sometimes it’s the 6th one, sometimes the 7th,

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

I gave a wine bottle to a really hot girl yesterday

I should have probably given her a bottle of water because the wine didn't help with the fire.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.

So she locked me in the cellar.

Three ladies were enjoying wine spritzers, when one suggested they play a game!

She proposed each wife describe which Soda Pop best described their husband in bed?

The First Lady said “my husband is Dr.Pepper, because every night he’s peppy”!

They all giggled!

The second lady said “my husband is 7UP, cause he can get it up 7 days a week”!

The ladie...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

1 in 10 housewives enjoy wine in the bath..

The other 9 wanted to know how I got in !!

I asked her "Do you spit or swallow?" She slapped me and stormed off!

Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

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Three Jews are in a Nazi concentration camp

The Nazi officer approaches the first Jew and asks him, "How high can you jump?"

"One metre" he replies.

"Not bad", says the Nazi officer and gives him some bread and water.

He then asks the second Jew the same question. The second Jew says he can jump two metres high.

"V...

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The S’wan (long)

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, run by a few gruff sisters.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. T...

So my doctor told me a glass of wine a day is good for you

Good thing I have 4 doctors

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A beautiful girl is like a fine wine.

But you still can’t just lock her in the basement until she’s old enough.

"I love you!"

"Is it you or the wine talking?"


"It's me talking to the wine."

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

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Got any bread?

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell bread. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any bread?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the barm...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "that'll be a dollar"

The guy thinks, "man, that's cheap," but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. "Bartender, I'll have your finest wine" bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. "That...

What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine?

Not much but the Brazilian has better legs.

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

Jesus hands out the bread

"This is my body" he says. They all take a piece and eat it.

He takes out wine, "This is my blood," he says, and everyone takes a glass and drinks some.

He takes out mayonnaise.

I think my wife has a problem with alcohol

The other day I asked her to toast some bread for me, so she raised her wine glass and said “here’s to bread”

What's the most popular Christmas wine?

"I don't like brussel sprouts."

The Sermon..

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the riv...

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“Dating you is like making wine”

“Because at first you were sweet

Then you kinda started to stink

Now you got me all fucked up. “

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

And He took the bread gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying "This is My body, given to you".

In the same way, He took the cup of wine and said "This is My blood, which is poured out for you". Then he scooped up the mayonnaise from the jar and said "This is my- "

"NOT now Jesus!", they said, "For we are eating!"

I found a wallet...

I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill.

I asked myself, what would have Jesus done?

So I turned it into wine.

Have you ever cheated?

A husband and a wife are celebrating their 50 year anniversary by having some dinner. After being together for so long they don’t have many secrets but the husband always wanted to know

“Hey honey, have you ever cheated on me? We’ve been together so long it doesn’t even matter, but I’d like...

[OC] Did you read the book about Manhattan's fanciest wine room?

It's a New York Times best-cellar!

A King is thirsty

During a royal party, the king finds himself parched.

Rather than ask one of his many servants for a beverage, he thinks back to his more humble years, when he would fetch things for himself.

The king decides he will get up and get the drink himself.
As he approaches the concessions...

Nightclub doormen say I'm "not a REAL bouncer" because I guard the fenced entry to an outdoor wine patio...

... but that's just gatekeeping.

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

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An American, European and Israeli get captured by ISIS.

The captors decide after some discussion that they will behead all 3. The captors ask each of the people what they would like before being executed. The American is asking for a hamburger, the European asked for red wine and the Israeli asked to be kicked in the butt.

All three received what...

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

Did you hear about the cargo ship carrying wine across the ocean?

It was raided by sommelier pirates!

ANGRY GIRLFRIEND

A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying, he set the two items aside and said, “I’ll be right back.” He ran off, only to ­return a minute later with a second jug of wine and another bouquet of roses. “Two girlfriends?” I asked.“No,”...

What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

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A group of people from different nationalities went to a restaurant and each ordered a glass of wine. When they received their drinks, they found out every glass had a fly in it.

The swede demanded new wine in the same glass.

The brit demanded new wine in a new glass.

The finnish man took the fly out of the glass and drank the wine.

The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

The Chinese man ate the fly and left the wine.

The jew took the...

Have you guys tried out the new Mexican white wine yet?

It’s a Pinot Gringo

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

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THE WINE TASTER

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat,...

Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper...

Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood."

Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

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Pierre the French Air Force Ace!

Pierre the French Air Force Ace finishes another successful mission and goes to a small hotel bar to celebrate. He meets a nice lady who after few drinks invites him to go to her hotel room. In the room conversation quickly turns into action and she asks him to kiss her. Pierre without thinking ope...

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

Blonde Revenge

A smart-talking man who thought he could charm the birds off the trees met his match one night.

The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and then he would inherit over 10 million pounds. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local wine bar, where he saw ...

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White Infidel

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

What kind of wine comes in a Box?

Cardbordeaux

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I like me women how l like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.

He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?"

The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.”

The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get in...

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?".

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks over at the bottle and says,...

I prefer my wine like I do my women

Locked in a cellar for 20 years and sold for the highest bidder.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a leprechaun walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the priest what he wants.

“Just a red wine for me,” the priest says.

The bartender gives the priest his wine and turns to the rabbi.

“Same here,” the rabbi says.

The bartender hands the rabbi his drink and turns to the leprechaun.

The leprechaun ...

The 7 Dwarfs are having their after work drink

And in walks the Pope for a nightly glass of wine. Dopey walks up to the Pope and tugs on his robes...the Pope looks down at Dopey and asks what he wants. Dopey says...Mr. Pope Sir, can I ask you a question? The Pope says yes...so Dopey asks if there are any small sized Nuns in the Vatican? And the ...

I was shopping at Total Wine...

when a salesclerk approached me and asked, "Do you need help?"

I said, "Yes, but I'm here to buy scotch instead."

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A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"

The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewh...

Hey Jesus,stop turning the water into wine.

I'm trying to take a shower

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

I got a bottle of wine for my mother-in-law

It was a great trade.

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A guy walks into a restaurant to drink wine.

When the waiter comes he orders a 1980 wine. The waiter goes to the kitchen, there are almost every type of wine there but can't find a 1980 wine. So he brings a glass of 1970 wine to the customer.
The customer takes a sip from the glass and he says
"This a 1970 wine, go bring me a 1980 wine...

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One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who did not wine, nag, or bitch...

But that was a long time ago,

and It was just one day.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Two TV wine tasters trying to out do each other

Food and drink show on TV doing a wine feature with 2 tasters being given a blind tasting. Both hate each other and are desperate to show off

The first taster takes a sip and says "oh this is clearly French, from the Rhone Valley"

The second cuts across him to say "Well, obviously, it'...

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