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Women are like fine wine

you gotta keep them in a basement

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 10 and locked in the celler.

What do wine and altar boys have in common?

Catholic priests like them aged eight years

When there is some wine leftover from communion, it doesn't get wasted...

The vicar does.

How do you order wine at an African Restaurant?

Ask for the Somalian

Sitting having wine with my girlfriend when she suddenly says ‘ I Love you’

I said is that you talking or the wine..
she said that’s me talking... to the wine

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One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who did not wine, nag, or bitch...

But that was a long time ago,

and It was just one day.

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

What's Waluigi's favorite wine?

Pinot Niwaaaaah!

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

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I like my sex like I like my wine

barely mature and from a secure location under my house.

Too far?

What’s a pirate’s least favorite wine?

Pinot No Arrrghh

What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?

Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like brussel sprouts!!!

Wise men drink wine

Budweiser drink beer.


At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, th...

There are some pretty big rumors about the wine industry.

I heard it through the grapevine.

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?


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There are 2 friends and went to their 3rd mutual friend to pay him a visit at his place. He offered them what they want to drink and all of them start drinking some white wine with some antipasto. After a while the host and his wife realized that the 2 friends drank more than 5 liters of the wine,

and thought if they keep going like that they are going to drink all their wine, so they decided to give them white vinaigrette instead. They gave them a bottle, both friends are trying the 'new wine' and the one says nothing, the other one spit the vinaigrette and says to the other: bro don't you s...

An elderly couple were having late night drinks in a bar.

Wife: I love you so much. Some times I wonder how I would have got through my life without you.

The husband pauses, shocked.

Husband: is that you or the wine talking?

The wife smiled.

Wife: that was me talking..... to the wine!

If someone could just reverse the process of making wine...

That would be grape.

What kind of wine would a cat enjoy?

A fine purrgundy

What do you call the hangover you get from drinking wine?

The grape depression.

I found a Wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet With 20 dollars in it. I wasn’t sure How to proceed, But then i thought,”What would Jesus do”

So i turned it into wine.

I love to cook with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

My friend got turned into wine recently...

He was a grape friend.

Host: "Would you like some mulled wine?"

Guest: "Let me think it over."

What's the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine?

The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

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A Japanese Catholic boy is asking his mom why he has to pay tithing

His mom replies, "Well, the Precepts of the Church maintain that each member has an obligation to support the material needs of the Church. Tithing is a voluntary donation that they rely on to have the materials needed for the Church."

Visibly processing this information, the boy asks, ...

I bought six wine bottles in the supermarket.

The cashier said, 'Do you want a box?'

I said, 'Alright, buddy, but I'm not much of a fighter.'

Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

If you had a choice between drinking wine or being skinny what would you choose?

Red or white?

My grandma laughed a lot when she read this on Facebook so I’m not even sure if it’s that funny but whatever eh?

What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White infidel

So I just overheard my mom ask my dad for a sip of wine.

His response: “Ok, Mississippi.

I'm like a fine wine.

I was once fresh pickings but now I'm old, bottled up and a little fruity.'

A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubb...

I'm opening a wine bar

Unlike other wine bars we will only sell wine that is not very old. The name of the place? Statutory Grape.

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?


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A homeless man buys a bottle of wine

He passes out on the street after drinking it all. A man on his way back home sees this and fucks the homeless dude in the ass, then puts 50$ in his pocket.

The next day, he buys another bottle of wine with the 50$ he found in his pocket. Same thing happens, and the man fucks and pays him ag...

A wine wholesaler was hiring a taster...

...someone to taste the wine before placing the orders. So they placed adverts and one afternoon, a dirty, rough looking man walks into the manager's office asking to be employed. The manager tried to figure out how he could drive the man away but couldn't come up with any idea, so he decided to giv...

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, ...

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

What was the name of the political committee that worked to protect the rights of wine enthusiasts?

The Bacchus Caucus

When Jesus turns water into wine he gets a book but when I turn

Water into coke at Panera Bread I get yelled at

Studies find that a glass of wine a day for a woman increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her have more she might suck it too.

Why did Hitler hate wine?

Acidic Juice.

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My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

My wife phoned me in a panic. She said, "How do you get wine out of the carpet?!"

"No idea," I replied. "I usually get mine out of the fridge."

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

My beloved girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine!

This is why I added some Sprite and grapes to it and now she’s sangria then ever…...!

I got a box of wine for my wife

I think it was a good trade.

What do you call a book club full of sheep and wine?

The Church.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I walked up to the bar and asked for a white wine. "Sure." said the bartender...

"There's too many immigrants and they're taking all our jobs!"

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

What does a duck have with its cheese and wine?


There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

What kind of wine do horses drink?


Don't you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and escort you out of IKEA.

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.

The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"

The priest replied, "Only water, officer."

The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"

The priest loo...

I was on a vegetable and wine only diet

I lost 20 pounds and my drivers license

Why was the man happy when his glass of wine started levitating?

Because his spirits were lifted!

What do you call a crying glass of wine?


What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

Which Thrill Ride Does A Wine Glass Like To Go On The Most?

A Coaster

I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

Me : *sips wine* ooh thats good. I'd like a bottle of that please.

Priest : Ma'am, that's not how this works, please go back to your pew.

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If wine is the Blood of Christ,

is Beer the Piss of Christ?

A soldier I know really likes stealing sparkling wine.

He keeps telling me to take cava.

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

My taste in women is much like my taste in wine

Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

I wouldn't say wine tasting is a hobby of mine.

It's a lifestyle.

Why do churches use wine for communion?

Because everyone's tired of shots

This might just be the wine talking...

...But I think I want to order more wine.

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I heard this one from Grandma after a bottle of wine or three.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep...

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and...

Women are like fine wines

You can get them cheaper if you go abroad

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A plane crashes with an english man, a french man and a russian inside.

The plane crashes into the jungle, and the three men are found by a cannibal native tribe.

The leader of the tribe says to them: "If you pass the three challenges I assign you with, I'll let you live. If you fail, we'll eat you."

The three challenges were:

Drink 1000 litres of ...

The Bottle of Wine

Mike was driving home from a long business trip in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car...

I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine,

when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She said, "It's me talking to the wine.

What's the difference between good wine and bad wine?

About a glass and a half.

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

Can I think of any red wine puns?

You bet Shiraz I can.