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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs...

would it be Game of Thrones?

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How many buttholes can fit round a barstool?

Four of you flip it over.

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

Two men were having a slow round of golf

The two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play throu...

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Door to door salesman is on his rounds

Door to door salesman is on his rounds. He goes up to this one house and knocks on the door.

The door is answered by this 9 year old kid. In his mouth is a half smoked Cuban, in one hand a bottle of Jack and on his arm a $50 hooker.

Salesman asks "Is your Mum or Dad home" to which the...

One day a man died, and went to heaven.

I’m heaven, the man saw Father Time, surrounded by billions of clocks.

“What are all these clocks for?” asked the man.

Father Time replied, “every time someone tells a lie, their clock goes forward a minute”.

He pulled out a clock that was at exactly 12:00.

“This clock...

What do you call it when you round up 69 sheep?

70 sheep.

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A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table?

Sir Cumference

What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?

Ohio.

My mother-in-law came round the other day

Knocked her out again, no problem!

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An old Australian gynecologist was doing his rounds with a group of interns in tow.

As they were making their way between patients, one of the interns tapped the elderly doctor on the shoulder.

"Uh, doctor? I just thought I should tell you that you have an IUD behind your right ear."

The old doctor fumbled behind his ear and retrieved the offending device, scowle...

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

Not every pies in the world is round, sometimes...

πr ²

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

Did you guys hear they’re gonna start making round hay bales illegal?

Apparently it’s something about the cows needing 3 square meals a day

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins wh...

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she’d visit me when I finally get out.

She told me she doesn’t like cemeteries.

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Three cowboys were sitting round the campfire

The first cowboy says “ I’m the hardest cowboy in the world, I was riding my horse one day when a bull came charging at me, so I jumped off my horse and wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands!”
The second cowboy says “ nah, I’m the hardest cowboy in the world, one day I was riding my horse...

What kind of ring isn't round?

A boxing ring

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

A zookeeper was doing his rounds one day

He had with him a rucksack and a broom. He had to inspect all the cages and make sure they were clean. First he checked on the bird sanctuary. Aside from Some droppings there were 2 dead birds on the ground. He scooped them into his rucksack and moved on.
Next, he checked the primate cages and he...

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

What do you call it when a 4 foot person goes on a merry go round?

A midget spinner

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

Flat Earthers keep telling me I don't have proof the Earth is round because I've never seen it with my own eyes.

I get a bit confused, because I've definitely seen your mom before.

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

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[NSFW] Nazi officer rounds up jews in his camp.

Asks the first one :"How high can you jump?"

"O-one meter, sir.": answers the prisoner. He throws him one loaf of bread.

"Two meters, sir!": exclaims second prisoner.

"Viery gut!": says officer as he throws him two loaves of bread.

"Six meters!": yells third one.
"Q...

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

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A doctor is making his rounds around the hospital and stops to talk to the head nurse.

The nurse says, "By the way, Doctor, do you know there's a thermometer behind your ear?"

"Great," said the doctor. "Some asshole has my pen."

There was a woman who lived alone all year round because her husband was a navy seal. The house was near a train station and whenever the train passed, the wardrobe that was in the bedroom would fall.

So one day the woman calls a carpenter: "You know," she says, "whenever the train passes, the wardrobe falls and... ". Before the woman completes the sentence, the train passes and the wardrobe immediately falls down.

The carpenter seems to know the solution to the problem: "Leave it to me, I...

Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.

"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."

"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."

The golfer trudges off the fairway...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

TICKET AGENT: "And will this be round trip?"

FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again."

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

One day a man’s daughters came to him and circled round

“Papa,” said the first one, “why did you name me Lily?”

“Because when you were a baby a pedal from a lily blew in the window and landed on your head,” he said.

“And why did you name me Robin?” the next one asked.

“Because when you were a baby a robin flew in the window and perch...

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I wonder if flat earthers refer to people who think the world is round as...

'Circle Jerks.'

Son: I cannot stop going round in circles.

Dad: shut up or I will nail the other foot to the floor.

Why won't round earthers ever agree with flat earthers?

They're just not on the same level.

Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

"What did you remove?"

"About $6,000."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi goes to a bar....

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amus...

The only thing round earthers have to fear...

...is nuclear war. That’ll flatten things pretty quickly.

A group of guys were playing a round of golf..

After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter.

His friend asks him "Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"

He responds "From my magic genie, of course!"

Of course his friend doesn't believe...

A crow invited all his friends to come round to his house, but no-one showed up....

It was an attempted murder.

Sir Cumference was the fattest knight at the king’s round table...

He got that way from eating too much pi

A flat earther and a round earther were arguing

When the flat earther realized he was losing the argument he starts walking away. The round earther faces the other direction and says "I'll see you around"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two prawns were simmimg round the sea...

Two prawns were swimming round in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. 
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I woul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A new intern is accompanying an experienced physician on rounds at the Clinic For Sexual Dysfunction.

As they look into the first room, the patient is furiously masturbating and looks very uncomfortable.

The intern asks, what’s wrong with that poor guy?

The doctor replies, “He suffers from extreme semen backup disorder. If he doesn’t ejaculate every three hours, he could die.”
...

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A guy in a restaurant calls the Wattress over and says "could I have a quickie please? " and the Wattress slaps him round the face.

He asks another Wattress the same request and receives another slap.
Someone on the next table leans over and quietly says "It's pronounced QUICHE"

Edit: fuck autocorrect. Waitress.

EDIT 2: WTF is a Wattress anyway? Why is it in autocorrect?

Why are port holes on a ship round?

So when you open one to look out, a wave won't hit you square in the face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were playing a round of golf.

They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

The Scotsman lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

The Irishman nodded in agreement.

The Englishman saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come t...

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

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Two guys walk into a bar and take turns ordering rounds of beer.

After a few rounds have passed, one guy drains his mug and says to the other, "Your round." "Well so are you, you fat jerk," the other guy replies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor in a mental institution is making his daily rounds. Long NSFW

In the first room he visits he finds a man pretending to bounce and shoot a ball. He asks the man what he is doing, he replies “when I get out of here I’m going to be a professional basketball player!” The doctor says “oh that’s great!” And proceeds to the next room.

In the next room he find...

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Door to door salesman is making his rounds

When he walks up the steps to Little Johnny's house.

Little Johnny answers the door, 8 years old, wearing nothing but his mom's lingerie, smoking a cigar and sipping a glass of bourbon.

"Excuse me young man, are your parents home?" Asks the salesman.

Johnny looks up and says "...

Who's Irish and sits outside all year round?

Patty O'Furniture

I find it incredible that a man could raise an army, march them halfway round the known world...

...and still not know they were all named bloody Spartacus!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets matched with a couple and a gorgeous blonde for a round of golf...

During the round he flirts with the blonde a bit. On the 16th, he says, "How about after the round, I buy you a drink at the club house?"

"I have a better idea," she replies, "I have a place on the lake not far from here. Why don't we head there for some fun. "

Not believing his l...

To all the short, fat and round people...

Don't feel bad about yourself, just roll with it

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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, “I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, “You’ll need more ammo”

Round up.

A farmer was out in the field with his cows, he counted 196 of them but when he rounded them up he had 200.

A man goes to confession after a round of golf...

Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
M...

Why did Stalin round up all the women in the USSR?

To seize the means of reproduction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

This farmer came up to me and said I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up for me?

I said sure, 70!

Did you hear they banned round hay bales in Kentucky?

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

(h/t my grandma who tells this joke like it is her job)

If you spun an Oriental guy around and round...

Would he become _disoriented?_

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40"

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That’s your problem right...

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A man had just finished a round of golf....

...and was filling the gas tank of his Mercedes Benz convertible.

A woman at the next pump was admiring his car, and noticed several golf tees on the front seat. She wasn't quite sure what they were, so she asked, "What are those for?"

The man replied, "That's what I put my balls on w...

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mism...

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

Walking on stage to a round of applause is a lot like foreplay.

Both involve a warm hand on my entrance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar..

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

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A group of friends walk into a bar and order a round of drinks.

They sit at a table next to an old man who appears to be on his own and is staring deeply into his pint.

After a few minutes, the old man leans back on his chair, stinking of booze, presses his face up against one of the guys and says, "your mama is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the ...

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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explain...

What's perfectly round and fits into round holes perfectly well?

A square peg in denial.

My French friend doesn't believe Eggs are round.

He's a member of the flat Oeuf society.

Every time a character in a TV Show says “another round please” they’re immediately handed a drink by an attentive bartender.

But every time I do it all they say is:

“For the last time, I’m not a bartender. This is planned parenthood. You need to leave.”

Like okay! I get it I’m not rich and famous!

what is brown round and sits on a piano stool?

beethovens last movement

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to co...

I kept trying to give my caddy a tip after my last round of golf, but he refused.

Apparently after watching me play, he only wanted money.

I was sleeping round at my girlfriend's house and her dad said we couldn't sleep in the same bed

It was a real shame, I thought he was quite handsome.

I’m a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient’s organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

Two guys are playing a round of golf

They’re on the green of one hole just over a hill when they hear a crack from the fairway behind them. A ball sails over the ridge and lands near the two golfers. One says to the other,
“Hey I’ve got an idea. Let’s put the ball in the hole and give the guy a hole in one.”
So they take the b...