How do you get ahead of others in life?

Use a guillotine

Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?

Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind strangerr

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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that yo...

A man at the top of the Empire State Building gave me just what I needed to get ahead in life.

A push in the right direction.

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.

Because, with the axe, it’s easier to get ahead...

My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.

I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.

I wanted to get a personalized bust

But my wife told me not to get ahead of myself.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

Why did the headless man study in school?

Because he wanted to get ahead!

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A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

My new job in the circumcision ward pays great and has great prospects...

20 skins a day and a chance to get ahead.

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

A girl was failing all her classes in college.

Deciding to try to use her looks to get ahead and get better grades she visited each of her male professors. She had three.

She visited the first one. After flirting a bit and getting some good reaction she decided to flash him. He seemed happy and liked them. Confident that he would raise h...

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A Group of Nuns

A group of nuns suddenly die and find themselves standing in front of St. Peter in Heaven. St. Peter says to the first nun, "I will let you in but tell me, have you ever touched a penis in your life?" The nun says, "Well there was this one time I touched one with my pinky finger but that was only on...

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, choose...

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Four nuns enter heaven...

Petrus awaits them at the Heavenly Gate and tells them "You must be without sins to enter. Wash away your sins in this basin filled with holy water." and points to said basin beside him.

The first nun goes ahead and confesses: "I once laid eyes on a penis".
Petrus replies "Very well, wash ...

I'll take my chances

A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.

As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark naked in the middle of the church. ...

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A man tells his friends a story how he was chased by a bear in the woods.

"So there I was, hunting rabbits, when all of the sudden, a huge fucking grisly bear comes out of nowhere, and starts chasing me. Of course, my first instinct was to run. But that bear was faster than he seemed. As I kept running, he came closer, almost at his arm's range. I thought I was going to d...

Obama was offered to get his face carved into Mount Rushmore

But he declined. He didn't want to get ahead of himself.

Speaking of corny jokes: how do you win a race against vegetables?

You have to get ahead of lettuce!


Ahahahahaha!

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A skinhead is arrested for drug offenses and goes to prison

At first he's worried, as he's used to having lots of followers backing him up and isn't sure how he'll deal with the other inmates. He decides the best way to get ahead is to find prisoners of a similar mindset and join then.

He sees some skinny white dudes coming in from a back area. Figuri...

I tried finding work as a Saudi executioner...

...but I couldn't get ahead.

I got a job on a farm....

It was circumcising donkeys, it wasn't too bad, 44 skins a day, with a chance to get ahead, and you could always count on big tips....

Why'd the ISIS fighter bring his son to the execution?

Like all fathers, he wanted his son to get ahead.

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