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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

Which Olympic sport does Russia score highest in?

The javelin catch.

What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score?

Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

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Playing Scrabble earlier I managed to put down "anal" on a triple word score ...

It's still not many points, but it's more about the satisfaction of having anal on the dining room table

What your score in the last test, James?

James Bond: 95%.............34.95%

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

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An old man and his wife go to bed...

After laying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After abo...

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A husband liked to fart in bed (Long).

A husband liked to fart in bed, much to the dismay of his spouse. He named his farts, he gave them scores, and he often invited anyone around to smell it. He even farted in his sleep without waking. His spouse told him, “One day you’re gonna fart your guts out.”

Months later, on Thanksgiving,...

A father, finally exasperated looking at his son's failed test scores, shouted: " Son, if you fail your exams one more time today, don't you EVER call me your father again!!"

"Yes, father.", the son replied meekly.

After the exams, the son came home.

"How were the exams, son? Do you think you managed to pass this time?"

"NO PROBLEMO, DUDE!"

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Texans fan

A guy goes into a Houston bar with a Dachshund under his arm. The dog is decked out in a Texans jersey and helmet and is festooned with Texans pompoms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here!"
The guy begs him, "Please we're both big Texans fans and the TV at my house is broken....

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

My son scored a 90 on his IQ test.

I'm so proud of him! That's his first A-

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This is a joke don't get butt hurt

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!

For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point ...

I scored extremely well on my socialist exam last week.

I got top Marx.

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

Dad- I want you to score 90% in exams.

Son- Dad, don't worry, I'll score 110%.

Dad- Stop joking.

Son- You started first.

I had my driving exams today and scored 9 out of 10

The last guy managed to jump out of the way

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

What was the score between England and Ethiopia?

England 8-Ethiopia didn’t

I scored a date with an energy drink.

Now I can say I went out with a Bang!

Looking at my score, I think I failed the math test but it's hard to tell

I'm pretty bad with numbers.

Mum :What is your score in the exam.?

Daughter: I got one point more than the class monitor.
Mum: How much did the class monitor get ?
Daughter: She got 96
Mum: How much did you get ?
Daughter: I got 9.6

I finally scored a date with a gymnast!

We hit it off at dinner and went back to my place for drinks.

One thing led to another and before we knew it we were making out and trying to get eachother out of our clothes.

She goes into the center of the room and contorts herself into this strange shape. She beckons me over and w...

Three friends throw darts for high scores at a pub...

The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"

The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20 and shouts: "ONE HUNDRED!"

When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20 and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board and hits a nun sitting at ...

My dad asked me why my math scores were weak. I told him that I found myself caught in a love triangle.

He looked concerned, sat down with me and said, "You know you can tell me anything right? What's really going on?"

I replied "I don't know how to explain this to you but the four of us are in love... "

My dad wronged me...

I brought home a test score of 90 and showed it to my dad. I thought he would praise me for it, but my dad took one look at the test script and said I added the "0" there. I got a big scolding and was grounded for the week. I really didn't add the "0".

I added the "9".

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

Guess which film franchise reboot would score millions now?

The Mask.

Why does Star Wars have a classical music score?

Because the Empire likes Bach!

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

I imagined the final strike. With a 300 point score, onlookers cheering my perfect game...

It was mind-bowling.

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

What's the score between the ocean and the beach?

Tide

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

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Two Roman kids are talking about the scores on their finals.

Kid 1: Ugh, what did you get bruh

Kid 2: Not bad. How bout you?

Kid 1: I got a C on it.

Kid 2: You fucking try hard!

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

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Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

Score one for genetics

Good golf story: Dad hits one into a gully. He sees the ball about ten feet down. He goes to get his ball retrieval tool. I already have mine out and am sliding the extensions out. He puts his back in the bag and says, "yours is longer than mine."
Me: "Mom's side of the family."

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....

I just got my first A+!

I am so excited! I never thought I would score so high on a blood test!

My friend is mad because I beat the high score in his favorite game and I keep rubbing his face in it

I guess I'm starting to sound like a broken record

What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?

Eight-nothing

Are you my credit score?

Cause you’re scary as hell

For the first time ever I scored the maximum on a test and I couldn't be happier.

The policeman with the breathalyzer seemed upset though.

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

Olympic fencing is like r/Jokes

You can score big with a good riposte!

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The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

I scored 47/46 for my test.

It was a chromosomes test.

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"

Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."

I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

My girlfriend told me that she doesn't like that I'm keeping scores in our relationship.

She got a point

What did the cheeze say when he scored in basketball ?

Swiiisssssss

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car

In the par-king lot

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

Why is it hard to keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban

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Little Johnny was in class one friday.....

The teacher said we'll play a game, whoever answers my questions correctly can leave early for the weekend. The first question was, who started a speech with "four score and seven years ago "? Several kids raised their hand and little Johnny was waving his hand frantically in the back of the class....

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

A z-score of 1.9 walked into a bar

The bartender says, “Why so down today?”


The score replies, “I’m feeling so insignificant.”

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

Hear about the tennis players that didn’t score?

Ya, well, they still made love

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

I never watch movies with a score 9/10 or higher.

They're always overeighted.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

My girlfriend once asked me what rhymes with score?

I said no it doesn’t

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

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