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Score Jokes

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

How did guys score in Ancient Egypt?

They used Pharaoh Moans

I asked my wife what the score on the hockey game was.

I was stuck in traffic. Called home she said it was 2-1 in the third quarter. I said it's not the third quarter it's the third period. She said, oh, that explains all the blood.

A director and composer are arguing about the score of a film

Composer: Is it really THAT important that there are no voices in any of the tracks?

Director: It's instrumental

What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score?

Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

Score one for genetics

Good golf story: Dad hits one into a gully. He sees the ball about ten feet down. He goes to get his ball retrieval tool. I already have mine out and am sliding the extensions out. He puts his back in the bag and says, "yours is longer than mine."
Me: "Mom's side of the family."

A Duck scores lucky one night and takes his hot date to a posh hotel...

Realising his mistake early, he politely excuses himself momentarily - and dashes to the foyer, where he asks the manager to sell him a box of condoms.

"Certainly Sir, should I put them on your bill?"

"Don't be absurd" hastens the duck: "I'll suffocate!"

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Dad- I want you to score 90% in exams.

Son- Dad, don't worry, I'll score 110%.

Dad- Stop joking.

Son- You started first.

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

Mum :What is your score in the exam.?

Daughter: I got one point more than the class monitor.
Mum: How much did the class monitor get ?
Daughter: She got 96
Mum: How much did you get ?
Daughter: I got 9.6

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

Are you my credit score?

Cause you’re scary as hell

I scored a date with an energy drink.

Now I can say I went out with a Bang!

Why does Star Wars have a classical music score?

Because the Empire likes Bach!

What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?

Eight-nothing

I scored extremely well on my socialist exam last week.

I got top Marx.

Guess which film franchise reboot would score millions now?

The Mask.

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

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My sex life is like my credit score

I used to have none. Now...its just bad

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

I scored 47/46 for my test.

It was a chromosomes test.

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

What's the score between the ocean and the beach?

Tide

I had my driving exams today and scored 9 out of 10

The last guy managed to jump out of the way

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

I finally scored a date with a gymnast!

We hit it off at dinner and went back to my place for drinks.

One thing led to another and before we knew it we were making out and trying to get eachother out of our clothes.

She goes into the center of the room and contorts herself into this strange shape. She beckons me over and w...

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

Three friends throw darts for high scores at a pub...

The first dude hits the 20 three times and calls: "SIXTY!"

The second one hits two darts in the 20 and one in the triple 20 and shouts: "ONE HUNDRED!"

When the third guy takes his turn, after throwing a 20 and a triple 20 the third dart deflects off the board and hits a nun sitting at ...

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

Looking at my score, I think I failed the math test but it's hard to tell

I'm pretty bad with numbers.

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

I imagined the final strike. With a 300 point score, onlookers cheering my perfect game...

It was mind-bowling.

My friends and I were putting together a musical score for a production of Hamlet

Tuba or no tuba, that was the question

I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

Hear about the tennis players that didn’t score?

Ya, well, they still made love

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

Underwater Test Scores

Father: How were your test scores, son?


Son: Underwater, Dad.


Father: What do you mean underwater?


Son: You know, below C level.

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The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

My girlfriend once asked me what rhymes with score?

I said no it doesn’t

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Two Roman kids are talking about the scores on their finals.

Kid 1: Ugh, what did you get bruh

Kid 2: Not bad. How bout you?

Kid 1: I got a C on it.

Kid 2: You fucking try hard!

A z-score of 1.9 walked into a bar

The bartender says, “Why so down today?”


The score replies, “I’m feeling so insignificant.”

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

I never watch movies with a score 9/10 or higher.

They're always overeighted.

An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"

Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."

True story

So my friend and I were at his place and for some reason argued about who was smarter than the other, so we decided to do an online IQ test.

He went first, as he was sitting at the computer, while I looked on. He scored an impressive 120. Then it was my turn: 121.

There was a moment of...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?

SlamDrunk!

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I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.

We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time

My best ever score.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car

In the par-king lot

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

The only way to score with a robot

Is to get it in the mode

What did the cheeze say when he scored in basketball ?

Swiiisssssss

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

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