Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

What's the best score Canadians get on their tests?

Eh's

I saw Captain Marvel....my review score is...

78 cents out of one dollar

The type of girls I date are just like my credit score...

Every time I pull out my credit card, they both go down on me.

I like my women how I like my golf score.

In the 80s and with a slight handicap.

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

A man walks into a bank, because his credit score is mysteriously low.

He doesn't understand this. He knew that he had paid all his debts, repaid all his loans, the whole shebang.

He enters the bank and walks up to the bank teller.

"Hi," he says. "I've noticed that my credit score seems a little low. Could you please check why?"

"Alright," says ...

What do call it when you score with a woman disguised in men’s clothing?

Transaction

A z-score of 1.9 walked into a bar

The bartender says, “Why so down today?”


The score replies, “I’m feeling so insignificant.”

Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game?

England 8. Ethiopia didn't

Why is it hard to keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally ban

A blonde women's basketball team rallied and then tied up the score at the end of regulation...

...and the coach took out a bottle of wine and handed out glasses to the team.

After imbibing, the blonde team obviously ended up losing.

Coach was asked later by, "Why the early celebration?"

Coach said, "We weren't celebrating, we're not that stupid. I served wine because I h...

What's the best way to hide your SAT scores?

Take the ACT instead.

Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car

In the par-king lot

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

Hear about the tennis players that didn’t score?

Ya, well, they still made love

I never watch movies with a score 9/10 or higher.

They're always overeighted.

I can’t believe the score for the last Star Wars movie

It’s SO-LO

My girlfriend once asked me what rhymes with score?

I said no it doesn’t

What was the score of the Ethiopian baseball game?

Eight-nothing

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth...

In the piece, there’s about a 20 min long passage during which the double basses have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as do...

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When I heard someone say '4 score and 7 years ago'

I thought 'that's strange, I never told them about my sex life'

A gambler invites two friends, a mathematician and an engineer, to the casino to try and score big with their help.

The mathematician suggests blackjack, as with card counting it's the only game where the house doesn't have an advantage. The engineer agrees for the same reason, but warns, that since this is the real world, to be wary of the casino getting wise to them. The gambler follows the advice of his intell...

I just got my best score on Sitar Hero 3!

I got five stars on "Curry On My Wayward Son"

Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?

Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

My girlfriend told me that she doesn't like that I'm keeping scores in our relationship.

She got a point

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

I was playing tennis with Roy Moore this morning... The score was love-15.

**AWKWARD!**

An Asian kid ask him mom: "Mom, why do I have to score A in everything?"

Him mom replied: "Because we are Asian, not a Bsian or Csian, or Failsian."

Underwater Test Scores

Father: How were your test scores, son?


Son: Underwater, Dad.


Father: What do you mean underwater?


Son: You know, below C level.

Tried to score on my girlfriend in soccer yesterday, but kept failing,

Guess she's a keeper.

Why do we get such high scores in the reading test?

Because we Reddit

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

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A struggling music producer is having trouble selling any of his work, and in his desperation decides to do the score for a low budget porno movie.

It’s not the most glamorous job, but hey, it’s gonna pay the bills, so he really puts a lot of effort into making the best damn low budget porno soundtrack ever. After a lot of hard work, the movie is finally done and the producer gets his check in the mail along with a complimentary ticket to see t...

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Why Didn't the Jew Score Another Date with the Asian Girl?

Hebrew it.

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An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

​

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

​

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

​

After about five minutes the...

The only way to score with a robot

Is to get it in the mode

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I'm done.

Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I...

What score did Lenin get on his exam paper?

...Full Marx

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," pr...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

I don't watch soccer...

If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

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Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

A man cheats on his wife who happens to be a composer. After finding out about it, she composes a piece of music that expresses her unending rage.

Hell hath no fury like a woman score.

Mississippi's Education/Testing scores are the worst in the nation...

yep, we're ranked 53rd.

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

So did you hear about the Angry composer?

Apparently, he had a few scores to settle.

I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The priest and the sacristan were competing to see who had fucked more women...

...So they decided to stay in the middle of a busy street, one on each side of the street. If some woman walked between them, they would say "BANG" if they had sex with that woman.

The 1st woman passes by: The priest proudly says "BANG" while the sacristan stays quiet.

The 2nd women pa...