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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat ...

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It was autumn, and Indians on a reserve asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.



A few days later, as a practical...

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If Mrs. Ippi bought Virginia a new winter coat. What did Della wear?

Idaho. Alaska.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

A blonde in Russia is buying a coat to protect herself from the cold in winter.

The salesman gets the best winter coat for her size and gives it to her for her to try it. The blonde puts the coat on, goes out and waits for two minutes to see if it works well. Then she says, "Oh there is no need to get a coat anymore, the weather got warm!"

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

Why was Fall mad at Winter?

Because Winter came too early

Finally my winter fat is gone.

Now I have spring rolls .

why do birds fly south during the winter?

Because it would take forever to walk

To celebrate the end of winter, my local bed shop is having a spring sale.

The rest of the bed is still full price though.

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter

Which sucks because he had a great fall

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Why do cops love an icy winter morning?

So they can do donuts in the parking lot.

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How are driving in the winter and going down on a girl alike?

If you're not careful, you'll slide right into the asshole in front of you.

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!

Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!

Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best...

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

In Game of Thrones Winter Came...

And everyone left unsatisfied

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

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Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

What is blue and stands beside a street in winter?

A frostitute

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The Russian winter...

...helped the Russian people defeat Hitler during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.

Why doesn’t Ben Shapiro like winter time?

Because of the snowflakes

What do you call a Communist in the winter?

A snowviet

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

When winter is finally over, the leaves on trees begin grow back again.

What a releaf.

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".

A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse new...

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Winter is here...

...& our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.

Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow !

What do you call a Mexican in winter?

What do you call a Mexican in winter?



A Brrrrrito!


Sorry ahead for lameness.

What was George Gershwin's favorite winter sport?

Fissure jumping.



(and the cotton is high)

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

What beverage do girls on Tinder drink during the winter?

Thot chocolate.

My car hates winter...

... Every time it snows it gets so salty.

What’s Irish and left outside all winter?

Patty’O Furniture

What happens when Winter arrives?

Autumn Leaves.

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

Last winter, I made snow angels

I lost control and took out three pedestrians

I haven’t seen many kids sledding this winter

It’s really gone downhill

Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the winter.

Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

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A bird is flying south for the winters

It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.

After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.

A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it....

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

What's the difference between winter and Photoshop?

There is none. They're both frustrating and are more tolerable when you use a lot of layers.

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

There are only two seasons in Russia:

Winter and nuclear winter.

Why don't illegal immigrants like to drive in the winter?

They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

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One winter day, Donald Trump looks out his window...

and notices a large yellow scribble imprinted on the snow that has covered the White House lawn. He was horrified to see that it was in fact a message that read, "Trump is an arse".

Trump immediately ordered his Secret Service agents to investigate this; within a few hours, they reported to h...

Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter?

It’s hard to quit cold Turkey!

Winter Vacation

After being snowbound for two weeks, a Buffalo man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip in Minneapolis.


They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was ...

What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

Preparing for Winter

One year, a young Indian boy was given the task of ensuring the entire village had enough wood for winter. This was the first time he had been given such an honor and he wanted to do it right. Before he went to work he decided to call the weatherman to ask what kind of a winter was to be expected. T...

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

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My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling...

Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a winter's day

They pull up outside the saloon and the Lone Ranger says, "I need to see a guy in there - you'll have to wait out here, it's against the law to let you in a place where liquor is sold".

Tonto scowls. "But it's freezing out here, *kemo sabe*!".

"I can't help that - the law's the law," s...

Russians have General Winter

Americans have General Motors

Justin Bieber is like winter.

Kind of cute and exciting in the beginning, but after its all said and done you wish he would have stayed in Canada.

Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics?

Because they always bring their “eh” Game.

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter...

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time. His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:

*Dea...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

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Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter.

Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter. It got caught in a winter storm and landed on a fence in a farmer's field to rest, but just kept getting colder and colder until it fell off the fence into the snow. The bird was certain it was going to die until a passing cow...

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

The best part of winter

Is watching it on TV from California

A vulture decided to fly south for the winter...

He was disappointed to learn that the airline would only allow one carrion per customer

How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

What do Wasps wear in the winter?

Yellow Jackets.

2040's won't get this

Winter

What are hot dogs called in the winter?

Chilly dogs.

Man, the Winter Olympics are gonna be slow this year.

Because no one will be Russian.

[x-post from r/punny]

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter...

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.

”Theres no fish under the ice!” a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill

”Theres no fish under the ice!” The voice said again. The man got nervous

”Is it God speaking?” He asked

”No the is hockey coach. Now g...

[Long] An email from the AFTERLIFE

A Canadian couple needed a vacation in a warm climate at the end of a very cold winter. They booked a suite at an exclusive, Arizona desert resort. Because of a last minute business meeting, the wife had to leave a day later than her husband. After an early flight and then checking in at the resort,...

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town...

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town at the beginning of winter and sees a man that is ferociously chopping wood.

"Why are you doing that", he asks?

"Oh we are getting a very cold winter, I am just preparing. "

"How do you know that?"

"Well look over there between those...

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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