The 93+ Best Winter Jokes

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Two ants had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year, when one ant gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other ant asked him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first ant says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other ant says, "That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I d...

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?

They will get chapped lips.

Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

What do you call a pigsty in winter?

A Pigloo

Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because they can't afford the train!

Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.

A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters.

Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..

Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family

Killed 37 Bobs

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Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

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I struggled with winter until I bought a snow blower.

It has made my life a thousand times easier. I load it in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says "What the fuck is that"? and that is where I spend the winter.

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

why do math teachers have their desk at the corner of the room during winter?

It's always 90 degrees there

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?

Swarm.

What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner?

Hurry up honey.

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The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.

Gildford from 13 th century

Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?

Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter...

A cowboy was asked by his town to find buffalo to hunt before winter.

So he hired a local Indian to help him find the nearest herd. After several days of riding, the quiet old Indian suddenly stopped, jumped down from his mount, and put one ear to the ground. “Here,” he said. “Buffalo come.” The cowboy asked, “How do you know?” The Indian wiped his cheek and replied, ...

Did you hear about the Netflix series Summer to Winter?

It never got a 5th season.

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

Did you hear about the big winter storm in New York?

It got so cold that bankers were walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Why do harsh winters often catch people in Leicester by surprise?

Because the ice in Leicester is silent.

Winter Storm Advisory,

Due to tomorrow’s snow storm, please remember that side streets always get plowed last. However, your mom will continue to get plowed first. That will never change.

(With apologies to George R.R. Martin) The temperature having finally gone up above freezing, an early spring rain began to wash away the effects of the Long Winter...

... but in the holdfast of a minor northern lordling, a small privy with several inches of still-frozen accumulation on its roof remained defiant against the downpour: "You'll never melt this! I shall keep my white mantle unto the end of days, by the Old Gods and the New!"

"No, it is inevitab...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

What do koalas eat after a nuclear winter?

Apocalyptus

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

Winter is Coming...

I just saw 2 meth heads carry a space heater out of a pawn shop.

Winter is truly a magical season.

Everyone is so positive all of a sudden.

I've invented a kind of scarf that wraps around your midsection for extra warmth in winter

I'm calling it the bellyclava.

What do Winds of Winter, Elder Scrolls 6, and Starfield all have in common?

Bill Cosby was released before they were.

A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...

You can't wait to read The Winds of Winter? The Doors of Stone aren't being written fast enough for you?

You think it's taking too long? You know nothing.

The Epic of Gilgamesh: written ~2100 BCE - ~1200 BCE.

Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

A guy calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it.

The guy says, “bring it on over and I’ll summarize it for you.”

The owner of the trailer says, “no, I need it WINTER……never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”

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On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

Two kids were outside during winter throwing snowballs at each other,

The snow women found it funny,
The snowmen? Not so much.

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

I got knocked off my bike by a salt spreading truck last winter.

"You IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth.

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

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What's the worst part about pissing outside in the winter?

Getting a 2 inch dick out of 3 inches of clothing.

Stay warm out there!

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

Did you hear about the guy who suddenly stopped smoking and moved from Istanbul to Singapore last winter?

He quits cold turkey.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

Why do geese fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!!

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

What did one shepherd say to another shepherd on a cold winter’s night?

I’m freezing! Let’s get the flock out of here!

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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

my friends say that i am weird for using my airsoft gloves as winter gloves

it's just what i happened to have on hand

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Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time?

Because they're easier to spot

What do you call a tropical island in the dead of winter?

Brrrmuda!

After dealing with dad-jokes all winter...

I'm hoping to get him back this summer with some son-burns.

The Finn returned from the Winter War against Russia.

He was interviewed by the local paper:
«Pekka what was the first thing you did when you came home?»
Pekka answered: «I made love to my wife»

The journalist then asked for the second thing Pekka did.
The answer was: «I made love to my wife»

The slightly annoyed journalist th...

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

There were 4 henchmen: Winter, Summer, Spring, and Autumn.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay cool in the face of pressure. Ice in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Then there's you, Summer," he continued. "If the heat becomes too much for Winter, use that hot temper of yours to make sure the cops r...

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Winter in the Caribbean

Two women go on holiday in the Caribbean. They meet an attractive black man and both woman decide to have a threesome with him. Next morning during breakfast one of the woman ask the man his name. He replies, “ My name is Snow”. The other woman starts laughing. Confused, Snow asks, “What’s so funny?...

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

What's Doom guy's favourite winter time activity?

Sleighing

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".

A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse new...

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

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What do you call a dad in winter?

One cold motherfucker.

Hey baby are you a winter storm

Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.

It's just coming in to winter where I live, so I pitched a tent and put a disco ball inside.

Because now is the winter of my disco tent.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

What's Daenerys Targaryen's favorite thing during winter?

A snow plow

So a man was walking up to the ice rink during the Winter Olympics...

wanting to get a closer look at the ice skaters. He ends up slipping onto the rink, and he starts to catch himself as he is falling. Yet, somehow to his amazement he keeps a running fall up, and ends up spinning to the middle of the ice rink. He is slightly frazzled, having almost face planted on th...

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