This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter

Which sucks because he had a great fall

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

What do you call a Communist in the winter?

A snowviet

A Winter War joke

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the vo...

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk!

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

During winter break, I visited Paris...

My mother, a fan of operas, brought me to experience one. The performance was phenomenal. Audience members were crying. I’ll admit I shed a tear, but when I left the opera house, I found more people crying too! At first, I thought the music could be heard from outside, but it turns out, it was just ...

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How are driving in the winter and going down on a girl alike?

If you're not careful, you'll slide right into the asshole in front of you.

Finally my winter fat is gone.

Now I have spring rolls .

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

My car hates winter...

... Every time it snows it gets so salty.

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

The Russian winter...

...helped the Russian people defeat Hitler during WW2 and Napoleon before him. This year it invaded the USA on its own.

What do you call a Mexican in winter?

What do you call a Mexican in winter?



A Brrrrrito!


Sorry ahead for lameness.

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Bob and Doug are at the pub complaining about the harsh Canadian winter.

Bob finally says " Fuck it, let's get out here and fly somehere warm". So off they head to the airport looking for the first flight to anywhere that's sunny. As it happens there's a flight leaving straight away for Brisbane. Australia. They happily hop on looking forward to all that Aussie sunshin...

What is blue and stands beside a street in winter?

A frostitute

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!

Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!

Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best...

Why do right wing extremists hate winter?

Because of all the snowflakes

When winter is finally over, the leaves on trees begin grow back again.

What a releaf.

What was George Gershwin's favorite winter sport?

Fissure jumping.

​

(and the cotton is high)

​

Why doesn’t Ben Shapiro like winter time?

Because of the snowflakes

One winter a father and son go hunting (NSFW)

After sometime they decide to take a pee break. The son unzips his layers of clothing and begins to pee. He notices his dad searching frantically in his pants

“Dad, what’s wrong?”

“I can never find anything of mine after your mother’s touched it!”

What’s Irish and left outside all winter?

Patty’O Furniture

it's winter. down the hill you go, on a taboggan. eyes closed, screaming.

up the hill you go. eyes closed, on a stretcher.

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

What beverage do girls on Tinder drink during the winter?

Thot chocolate.

I haven’t seen many kids sledding this winter

It’s really gone downhill

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Winter is here...

...& our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.

Just remember however its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow !

What's the difference between winter and Photoshop?

There is none. They're both frustrating and are more tolerable when you use a lot of layers.

Last winter, I made snow angels

I lost control and took out three pedestrians

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

What happens when Winter arrives?

Autumn Leaves.

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

Why don't you go fishing in the winter?

Because you might catch a cold

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Give a man a jacket and he'll be warm for the winter.

Teach a man to jacket and he'll never leave the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bird is flying south for the winters

It freezes mid-flight and falls down on the snow in a farm. A cow passing by takes pity on it and shits on it to keep it warm.

After few minutes the bird regains consciousness because of the warmth and starts chirping.

A cat hears it, picks it out of the shit, cleans it and eats it....

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Donald Trump is out one winter day...

walking around and enjoying the snow when he sees that someone had peed 'Donald sucks' in the snow. Furious, he called his Secret Service agents and yells "I want to know who did this!!".

A few days later his lead agent comes back and says "We solved it sir, but there's bad news and worse new...

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I’ve never heard him complain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little bird is flying south for winter...

...it was so cold that he froze in midair and fell unto a large field. While the bird was laying there frozen, a cow passed by and promptly took a dump on him. The frozen bird was literally flooding in cow shit, but he began to realize how warm it was. Cow dung was actually thawing him out! The bird...

Why don't illegal immigrants like to drive in the winter?

They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

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A very cold winter!

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter w...

Do you know why no one leaves Istanbul in the winter?

It’s hard to quit cold Turkey!

What are the only two seasons in Michigan?

Winter and road construction.

What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

Why do programmers love winter?

Because there are no bugs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One winter day, Donald Trump looks out his window...

and notices a large yellow scribble imprinted on the snow that has covered the White House lawn. He was horrified to see that it was in fact a message that read, "Trump is an arse".

Trump immediately ordered his Secret Service agents to investigate this; within a few hours, they reported to h...

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

Preparing for Winter

One year, a young Indian boy was given the task of ensuring the entire village had enough wood for winter. This was the first time he had been given such an honor and he wanted to do it right. Before he went to work he decided to call the weatherman to ask what kind of a winter was to be expected. T...

Winter Vacation

After being snowbound for two weeks, a Buffalo man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip in Minneapolis.


They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was ...

Russians have General Winter

Americans have General Motors

How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?

They’re both flying information.

Told my boss he needs winter tires

Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town on a winter's day

They pull up outside the saloon and the Lone Ranger says, "I need to see a guy in there - you'll have to wait out here, it's against the law to let you in a place where liquor is sold".

Tonto scowls. "But it's freezing out here, *kemo sabe*!".

"I can't help that - the law's the law," s...

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

Justin Bieber is like winter.

Kind of cute and exciting in the beginning, but after its all said and done you wish he would have stayed in Canada.

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter...

Little Johnny traveled North to visit his friend during winter time. His friend's mother saw Johnny shivering, so she said, "Come here and put your hands between my thighs to warm them up." Johnny said, "My ears are cold too."

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite winter Olympic sport is women’s curling...

Because it’s the one time every four years I can yell, “sweep harder” at a woman, and no one thinks it’s because I’m a sexist pig.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

A vulture decided to fly south for the winter...

He was disappointed to learn that the airline would only allow one carrion per customer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

What are hot dogs called in the winter?

Chilly dogs.

Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics?

Because they always bring their “eh” Game.

How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

The best part of winter

Is watching it on TV from California

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter.

Once there was a bird that waited too long to fly south for the winter. It got caught in a winter storm and landed on a fence in a farmer's field to rest, but just kept getting colder and colder until it fell off the fence into the snow. The bird was certain it was going to die until a passing cow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey mouse wakes up one winter morning and looks out the window.

To his shock, he sees someone has scrawled the words 'FUCK MICKEY' in urine in the snow in front of his house. He calls the sheriff, who comes and asks him a couple of questions. He then takes pictures and samples of the urine and leaves. The next morning, Mickey receives a phone call. It's the sher...

What do Wasps wear in the winter?

Yellow Jackets.

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.

”Theres no fish under the ice!” a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill

”Theres no fish under the ice!” The voice said again. The man got nervous

”Is it God speaking?” He asked

”No the is hockey coach. Now g...

Man, the Winter Olympics are gonna be slow this year.

Because no one will be Russian.

[x-post from r/punny]

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

President Trump looked out the Oval Office window one winter morning -- and called in the FBI

The President was *furious* because someone had written "Fuck Trump" in yellow snow. "I want to know what loser did that, pronto!"

A few hours later, the FBI presented the results of their investigation. "Mr. President, the urine is Steve Bannon's, -- and the hand-writing is Melania's."
<...

2040's won't get this

Winter

Winter is coming

The snow is just one mighty fat nut

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town...

A cowboy is riding through a tiny town at the beginning of winter and sees a man that is ferociously chopping wood.

"Why are you doing that", he asks?

"Oh we are getting a very cold winter, I am just preparing. "

"How do you know that?"

"Well look over there between those...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter

Then how come they lost the Cold War?

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter...

Why didn’t Palpatine want to go to Canada in winter?

It’s freezin’ then

What do you call a person who breaks into your home in winter?

A burrrrrgler

From my bf. Who hates puns.

Someone stole my winter hat...

I guess they just toque it.

-Son, remember that in many ways, life is like a display of fireworks on a clear winter night.

-Beautiful?

-Nope. A pure loss, but fun none the less!

I have winter to thank for making me the man I am today.

Depressed and 20 pounds overweight.

Winter Olympic sports are...

...basically 15 different styles of sliding.

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

The winter sales have started everywhere

But you know, clothes are 100% off at my place.