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The Origami world championships are live on TV this year.

It's only available on pay per view though.

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament

I took gold, silver and bronze.

After my son’s team won the championship, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie Host.

I managed to secure tickets to the indoor arthritic athletics championships.

I’m expecting to see some stiff competition.

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

Did you hear that they're broadcasting the World Origami Championships?

It's on paper-view.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t believe I have finally made it to the ejaculation distance championships

I have come a long way to make it here.

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

In today’s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn’t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

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It’s down to the final two at a championship spelling bee.

The contestant gets up to the microphone and the judge tells him the word is “walk.”

Confused, the contestant asks for a definition.

“To move about or travel on foot for exercise or pleasure.”

The contestant asks for a sentence to confirm what could be his final word was reall...

There was trouble at the 'World Speed Juggling Championship' last night

Things got out of hand pretty quickly

After losing at the European Championships to The Czechs, Dutch fans were said to be blazing

Meaning twenty minutes later they were a lot calmer and just craving chips.

After my 2nd annual mathletes championship I’ve noticed there are 3 types of people..

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Did you hear about the pirate that one the boxing championship?

He took down all his challengers with one right hook

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

I'm thinking of starting a marsupial fighting championship

I'll call it mortal wombat

My kids soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.

So every player got a precipitation trophy.

So I got deported from China with a permanent travel ban for talking about my son

One day I decided to visit china. When I landed in the Chinese airport i found out that I received a text from my son Tyler saying that he won the town's annual drinking championship.

I decided to tell the wife about it and called her. It was very loud in the chinese airport and she couldn't...

“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere “

Me: well it got me to the sarcasm world championships in Peru 98

“Really “

Me: No

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

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The Golfer's Dilemma

You're playing in your club championship. The final round is just you and one other guy, match play. One the 18th tee you're up 1 with honors. You smack your drive straight down the middle; the best drive you've hit all day. Your opponent steps up and hooks one into the woods.



You do...

A man in the gulag

He heard about the world chess championship match ended recently, but no one there knows the result. When a load of new prisoners arrived, he asked one of them:
- Do you know the result of the world champion match?
- Yes, I lost

So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the ...

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

Can someone help ? I don't see this to be funny, I m I missing something?

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship? Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat. Banker: Me: Banker: I’m in.

Big news today in the World Reverse-Parking Championship....

Last years winner just backed out!

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...

Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.

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World Wrestling Championship. At the final are American and Japanese wrestlers.

Before the game, the American coach said:

- See John. I have not told you yet, but this Japanese is very strong and very corrupt. He has a favorite grip. If he applies it, everything is lost.

- No problem, trainer. I'll handle him somehow.

The fight begins. The wrestlers go out ...

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

Radio Yerevan answered:In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and four...

I signed up for "Hide and Seek" championship

I forgot all about it, I won first prize

NFC Championship game

A guy goes to the NFC championship game. He's got great seats, right on the 50 yard line. He looks over and there is an old man sitting next to an empty seat. So he asks, Do you know who this seat belongs to?

The old man says yes, my wife and I have been coming to these games for 40 years. T...

The National Origami championship is on television tonight.

It’s on paper view.

Did you hear about the man who won the World Handjob Championships?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

Why hasn’t columbine won a basketball championship since 1999?

They lost their best shooters

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Irish Prostitute

An old man goes up to a prostitute in Dublin. He says “how much do you charge?”. She says “€150”. He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two All Ireland Championship medals I won in the 60’s”. She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business. Next evening ...

What did the pickle do when it won the championship?

He just stood there to relish the moment.

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

I just watched the World Heavy Metal Knitting Championship in Finland.

It was pretty knots!

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.

Doctor : what seems to be the problem?

Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.

Doctor: for how long?

Guy: must be a weak or so.

Doctor: okay, we'll solve this ...

An Australian is losing badly against a Czechoslovakian in a chess championship match and asks him what country he is from.

The Czechoslovakian wins and replies:
“Czech, mate.”

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

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Blind Masturbation Championships

Went to the blind masturbation championships the other day.

No idea where I came.

I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championships today

Totally gutted when I found out that it was on paper view only.

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships?

Because I ran

Today I won the National Laziness Championship!

What did you win?

Atrophy

I'm going to the reverse origami championship tomorrow

Can't wait to see how it unfolds

So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet

Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......

...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.

Read online on a comment. LOL

Watching the NCAA Football Championship Game with Dad

Me: "Who's the favorite?"
Dad: "Your brother."

What do you call an Englishmam in the Euro championship final

A referee

Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships?

They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.

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Blindfolded?

Just home from the World Blindfold Masturbation Championship.....
No idea where I came.

Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships..

I came out with a Bronze..

Did you hear about the attempted shooting at the 2015 Pokémon World Championship?

The gunmen tried to escape, but luckily, officers were able to catch'em all.

America...

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves

Who should be blamed for the cold streak in Texas?

The Texans -
League championships (0)
Conference championships (0)

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There was a football field with a bar next to it

Every Saturday there was a championship in that field


One day, the two teams that were going to play were dwarf teams

Then, the dwarves arrived at the barman (Gerson) and said: Hey you ... Can we use the bathroom to put the uniforms on?

And the barman replied: Yes you can...

An Italian, an Englishman and an American are granted an audience with God.

The Lord lets them ask a question about the future.

The Italian asks, “I’m a big F1 racing fan. When will Ferrari win another World Championship?” “In 20 years,” says God.

The Italian wails, “I’m an old man. I’ll never get to see my team win a championship.” He starts to cry.
...

Breaking News

This just in, world renowned artist Paul Jacobson has been disqualified from this year's Animal Photography Championship due to use of performance enhancing drugs.

This determined after the discovery of polaroids smuggled within his travel bag.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his...

A man walks into a bar...

And loses the national limbo championship.

A man walks into a bar...

...and loses the international limbo championship.

(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)

A horse walks into a bar.

This makes it lose the Worlds Dressage Championship.

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

What are we to do with all the canceled sporting events?

They're going to televise the world origami championships live... On "paper view"!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Congratulations to the class of 2020

You are the first class that will have a 100% participation in the annual “senior skip day” championship.

American Indian female wrestling

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique...

The college basketball team at Indiana University had just finished their worst season in school history.

The head coach, Bob, knew the team needed a different approach next year.

In the off season, Bob was driving around town when he saw a panhandler at a stoplight, and realized that this panhandler was around college age, and looked close to 7 feet tall. Bob stopped his car to talk to him and ...

I've known Paul for years

He's always been such a nice guy. In middle school, our teachers would always ask if he finished his homework. Paul would hold up his homework and say yes. During lunch, kids would always ask if they could sit with him, and Paul would say yes. A kid would ask if he's trade his pudding cup for an app...

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Wrestling

The World Wrestling Championship was being held in the UP of Michigan, at the "Paper Clip Center' just outside UMPsville, between the 2 finalists, a American and a Russian. The Russian was known for his "Pretzel Hold". No man in history had got out of the Pretzel Hold. The Russian had won 1 bout and...

Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

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An Ethical Dilemma

You are playing in the club championship knockout final and the match was all square at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple 7 iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it de...

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the ploughing championships and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' **"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"**

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and ...

A man walks into a bar in New Orleans

He sits down next to a man in a jacket. Both of them are watching a preview of the upcoming nfc championship. They both start debating over who will win, and the debate turns into an argument. The man says “100 bucks my saints win!” “Your on” replied the man as he unzipped his coat to reveal black a...

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an...

Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course?

It too has 36 championship holes.

I used to rule the world.

I was 7-time champion in chess championships, won count less awards in racing world, led armies of millions. But then my son broke the computer.

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

I hate to be a bad loser

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blond...

The Russian Pretzel. Slight NSFW

It is the day of the World Championship in Freestyle wrestling. Just before the Gold medal match, a coach is giving one last pep talk before his man goes on the match.
"O.k. This Russian is known as the best of all time. He has gone undefeated for 7 years now and it is all because of his famous P...

Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, b...

Poor children in African nations are really excited...

They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts!

Did you hear about the amputee debate team?

They almost won the championship, but it turns out their argument didn’t have a leg to stand on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had a good couple of days,

I've just got back from winning the World Domestic Violence Championship.

I knocked my daughter out in the semis and beat my wife in the final.

Yesterday I entered the world blindfolded wanking championship.
I have no idea where I came though.

A man suffering for weeks from terrible nightmares goes to the doctor…

Man: Please doctor, you’ve got to help me with these nightmares!

Doctor: What type of dreams are you having?

Man: Well, I always dream of these awful rats playing football. Seeing them crawl, tackle, squeal night after night—it’s terrible! Do you have a remedy for me?

Doctor: I’...

Topical Jokes for 6/20

(For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality)

In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937.

In Illinois, a university is offering ...

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a captain of a football team..

for whom English wasn't the primary language, so he was still learning to speak it from his teammates now and then.

There came a huge club championship, at the final of which the captain found his team winning towards the end of the match. So he asks a teammate to provide him with good lines ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Balls of Steel

Two wrestlers an American and a Russian were the finialists in the World Championship event.

They were preparing to meet each other in the final round and the American coach was giving instructions to his star wrestler.
The coach was saying, "Beware of the Russian and his famous hold - the...

Topical Jokes for 6/13

A woman at an Arizona Burger King found a razor blade in her salad. Even more amazing, she found a salad inside a Burger King.

A new study has discovered that dinosaurs were neither warm-blooded, nor cold-blooded. Which is the perfect dinosaur trivia, if you desperately need to end a conversa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suitable for British consumption

I just heard the UK strawberry picking championships has been won by a woman with no legs. Jammy cunt

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