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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

Managed to talk a suicidal man down from a window ledge

By shouting

“JUMP!”

How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

​

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

I wondered for a long time why Apple and Microsoft went straight from iPhone/Windows 8 straight to X/10...

Then it finally occurred to me that 7 ate 9.

I came home and all my windows were smashed out.

I was shattered

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

*Sometimes I even let her in.*

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

I'm like a window

Because I'm in constant pane :')

Get in the House, Lock the Doors, Close the Windows.

It's an inside joke.

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Having sex with me is like updating software on a computer running Windows 95.

"The process my take awhile, and the program may seem unresponsive."

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

Why did the window cleaner dislike his job?

It was a pane in the ass.

A teacher said, "whoever answers my question can go home".

Suddenly a boy throws his bag out of window.
Teacher asked, " Who threw the bag?"
Boy replied, "Me."

My earliest memory of my mother is playing hide and seek with her, I would be sat peering out of the oven window and she would say...

"Your getting warmer"...

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

No one wants to carry large windows around

It's a pane in the glass

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A guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out of the windows

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down nex...

Son asked from dad. “Dad, what does Window of Opportunity mean”

Dad looked at the clock and said “Perfect timing! Quick, go and look out from that window. Wait a couple of minutes and then you will understand what a window of opportunity means." Son went to the window and then returned and said, “I saw Miss Jennifer going to sun bathe. I saw her walking naked in...

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As the boy led me to the window he said “all it takes to fly is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust.”

As I leapt I quickly came to the conclusion that PCP is a bitch.

What do you cal two guys with no arms and no legs on either side of a window?

Kurt n’ Rod

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there was a tap at the window.

That’s a funny place to put a tap.

I farted at work the other day and my coworker started trying to open the window.

It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

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Having period sex is like being a window cleaner

Just dont look down

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Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."

He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.

"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.

"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.

"I said no way," replied the boy.

"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the ...

I applied for a job as a window installer.

Never made it past the screening questions.

“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly.

​

The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, “They’ll probably think I married you for the money.”

A man is locked in a room with no doors or windows...

The only thing in there with him is a red marble and a blue marble.

He says, “well, I have a red marble and I have a blue marble, and two haves make whole.” And so he uses that whole to climb out.

You say, “That’s stupid. It’s two *halves* that make a whole, not two ‘haves.’ And an...

Some maniac broke my windows yesterday night.

What scares me is that he somehow got into my computer room.

Windows might be better than Walls.

But we won't know until Bill Gates become President

I was walking home and someone threw a block of cheese out of their window hit me on the head

I turned and shouted that wasn’t very mature was it

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I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

2 shifts at the window factory

No bathroom brakes.
It was a pane in the glass.

Last night i opened my window and let all mosquitoes in. Then i slept outside.

This is called confusing the enemy

My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?

He was a little chilly

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Why did the German clean his window?

He could Nazi out of it.

My girlfriend messaged me that she knew I was cheating. I went to the apartment. The locks were changed, my clothes burnt on the lawn. She yelled from the window "I hate you, never come back."

So I went home to my wife.

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window.

I really should let her in at some point.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night...

He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."

His wife asked how he knew this.

He responded with:
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

To see a peeping tom at my window while I’m changing is frightening....

But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer?

With a Squeegee Board

Since the storm started, my wife keeps looking through the windows.

If it gets worse, I'll have to let her in.

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My priest got mad at me for drawing a risque woman showing her butt on a stained window, but thankfully he let me off with a warning.

Looks like I got a crass glass lass ass mass pass.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette in your car, flicked it out the window then smells something a minute later...

and you turn around and your grandma is fingering herself in the back seat?

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

I hate it when Windows 10 resets my default browser...

It puts me on Edge every time

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

I like my women like I like my Windows folders.

Always on top. And hidden items visible.

(Sorry if this is a repost)

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

​

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

​

"Well, wash your hands, **I want a cheeseburger."**

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

A nun travelling to the Vatican fell out of her hotel window

Falling from the 10th floor, all she could do was pray to God to save her. To her surprise, a man catches her at the 8th floor,

He said "Let me touch your t!ts or I'll let go"

"I'd rather die than commit such sin!"

The man then let her go and the nun prays harder to God .At t...

This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

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Got a text from my wife this morning saying “Windows frozen”.

I text back saying “Pour some warm water on it.”

Got a text back, “Laptop totally fucked now”

I got 50% off my new window.

There isn't a catch.

The true reason why there's no Windows 9

7 8 9

My dad wanted me to let you know he’s cleaning a window.

He just wanted to make it clear.

I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.

I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.

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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So...

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

You know what’s the worst thing about being a window

Everyone just looks through you

What causes Paul Walker and Microsoft Windows to crash?

Bad drivers

You're stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, and only three matches. How do you escape?

Strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

I threw my phone out the window. It fell and broke.

I am outraged. I distinctly remember putting it in flight mode first!

I just hate the Windows key.

Really takes you out of the game.

I build a new high end tower and made sure to include windows.

It would be a waste if you couldnt enjoy the view from up there.

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

There was a sign on a shop window. It said "Looking for a full-time cleaner. Give us a call."

So I phoned them up and said, "I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help."

"Oh yes?" replied an eager voice.

"Yes," I said. "If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them."

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

Why are windows the saddest part of a house?

Because they are always surrounded by pane

I was in my house last night, and at around midnight I heard a smash. I ran downstairs and someone had thrown a block of cheese through my window....

Looked at it and thought, that's mature

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

It’s been raining for days now and my wife is getting depressed, the way she keeps standing at the window hoping it will clear up...

If it keeps raining like this, I am afraid I‘ll have to let her get back in.

The is a strip club opposite a indoor golf club personally this is disgusting what if you go for a nice family night out and look out the window

And see a bunch of losers playing indoor golf

[NSFW] I went by a brothel and there was a sign in the window

it said "We're closed, so beat it."

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

The Window Washer

So there was this window washer who was asked if the glass he was washing was opaque and he replied it wasn't clear. His friend sees the remark as funny and asks if he had meant to make a pun and the window washer says, "Nope, unintended"

A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."

"What do you mean special?" the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...

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Ancient chinese torture

A man goes on a date with a hot chinese chick and crashes at her house, when her dad, Ling Bao, says:
"You can stay here for the night. Just one condition: don't sleep with my virgin daughter or I will give you the 3 worst forms of chinese torture".

The man agrees, but he ends up sleeping ...

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother’s face through the oven window.

As we played hide and seek and she said: ‘you’re getting warmer’.

Switched to Windows Mobile yesterday

Very Unappy!

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The window dilemma

Two students go for oral exam.

The first goes in the class and the surveyor begins with the questions:
"
-lets say you are traveling by train and its getting hot. What will you do?
- Open the window. he answers.
- Very good - the surveyor continues.
The window has a surface of ...

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