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Public Jokes

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

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At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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Stalin is giving a big public speech...

... and someone sneezes. Stalin says, "Who sneezed?" Nobody says anything. He looks at a couple of his goons and jerks his head towards the audience. They go pull some random guy out of the crowd and shoot him. Stalin again asks who sneezed. This meek little guy that sneezed can't take it, and steps...

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

You can't have a Public Pool

without P.

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

Two educated men are in a public restroom

One finishes at the urinal and proceeds to walk out the bathroom door

"Hey!" the other man calls "What college do you go to?"

"Yale" the man replies

"Don't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?" the other man says with a smirk

"What college do YOU go to?" he asks
...

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Why do dogs prefer public transit?

They don’t like to pay for barking

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A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.

Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.

Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it.

I was in the public toilets....

... and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi!, how are you?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, “rather busy right now”. The voi...

Why did the teacher never fart in public?

Because she was a private tooter.

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

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A morbidly obese guy goes into a public restroom to do his business

As he is standing there, a rather rude guy occupies the next urinal. The second guy looks over at the fist and in an extremely uncouth manner exclaims, "Holy shit!!! You are huge !!! How much do you weigh?"

The first guys says, "around 375."

Second guys says, "Damn, that's a lot!! When...

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

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What did the Attorney do for his client that was charged with Public Masturbation?

He got him off.

Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

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A jewish man goes into a public restroom

He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?"

"Why yes, I am," he replied.

"Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily.

"A strange ques...

What do good manners and public transport have in common?

They were designed to be used by others, not oneself

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Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

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I went to a public toilet and found it was empty

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat. Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me. I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him. He said "Hello". I was surprised but didn't say anything. He said Hello again. This time I said "hey." He asked "how are you?"...

Public Service Announcement

If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs.

I got slapped with a public indecency charge for using the toilet :/

Apparently the ones at IKEA are “for display only”

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a man gets on a public bus...

A man gets on a public bus, and sees a very attractive nun. He goes over to sit by the nun, and starts talking her up, trying to get her to come home with him. She refuses his advances, and eventually gets off the bus. The guy, however, couldn't get her out of his head, so he went up and asked the b...

I was going to quit my passtime as a public flasher...

But I decided to stick it out a little longer.

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How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

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Public Health England.

Due to the shortage of lateral flow tests available the government are going to introduce a new '1 minute self diagnostic' process.

You put one finger in your mouth, and one up your ass.

After 60 seconds swap fingers, if you can't smell or taste the difference, Isolate.

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I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

What to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom stall you're in

"We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations."

If they reply "Well what about old friends?", then you really should probably consider if you're decent before letting Gandalf in.

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I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

The last time I did any public speaking was the valedictorian speech in high school.

I was the one yelling “You suck!” from the back.

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

I can't go in public without people staring at my body

Now I just leave her at home

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

I went to a public bathroom and saw a guy with no arms standing at the urinal. [Long] [NSFW]

After a few seconds of waiting my turn, I realized that nothing was happening. He was just standing there, looking down.

"Umm, everything alright?" I asked him.

"Yeah, just got a slight problem here." he said, nodding towards his zipper.

I guess it's the humanitarian in me tha...

I got told to leave the public baths once for peeing in the water.

I was so shocked I nearly fell in the pool.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

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During a public school conference...

A teacher and set of parents make acquaintances and settle at a group of tables with the student.

The teacher asks the student, "So, are these your progenitors?"

The parents are horrified, and demand to know why the teacher would ask such a question.

The teacher responds, "I apo...

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A fat man is urinating in public.

Another man approaches him, disgusted. "Look man, you can't do that here. Everybody can see your penis." "Wow!" is the fat man shocked. "Can you really see my penis?" "Yes, of course, we all can." explains the other man. "In that case please say hello to it for me, I haven't seen it in years."

Why did Houdini have trouble scheduling his public escapes?

He was often tied up.

Why was the director's wife constantly anxious in public?

Because her husband was always making a scene.

Once I got kicked out of the public pool.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

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I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought t...

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A sailor walks into a public restroom and up to

a urinal and as he begins to do his business, without fail a 10year-old boy walks in and sees and him he starts to shout, golly Gee Mr., golly are you really a sailor? The sailor looks down at the kid and says sure kid would you like to wear my hat? The boy responded with an excited golly Gee yes! S...

There are only two types of hair: public hair and pubic hair.

But that's one L of a difference.

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

Greta Thunberg should really mention this sub Reddit in her next public speech

This sub has achieved almost 100% recycling rate for the jokes, perfect example of how a sustainable society should be.

Why don’t ghosts go out in public?

Because they look like sheet

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A terrorist group decides to hold a public castration of three villagers.

They ask to the first villager for his occupation. When he says that he's a woodsman they castrate him with an axe.

Then they ask to the second villager. Frightened, he says that he's a farmer. They castrate him with a sickle.

When the turn comes to the third villager they see that he ...

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Anytime someone goes into the stall next to me in a public bathroom, I just can’t go anymore.

I’m scared shitless.

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

A cat gives birth in a public park...

...and is fined $50 for littering.

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

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Why do people take a long time crapping in public bathrooms?

Because they’re stalling!

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

My local public swimming pool had a big sign on the wall.

It said: “Welcome To Our OOL. Notice there no ‘P’ in it? Let’s keep it that way.”

I always thought it was a pity that they never had a sign that said “Welcome To Our L …”

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How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?

He nuts and bolts.

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I'd be a chick. If my mom was a doe and my dad was a buck, I'd be a fawn."

The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy, saying, "What if your mom was a...

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

There is an ideal number of authors on academic publications

It is better to have Loved & Lost, than to have Never, Loved, et al.

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I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets

Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**

**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**

***Think about it.....***

01, No Sports.

02, All Pubs to shut.

03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*

04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY K...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

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A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

Why did the serial killer make a public broadcast?

He wanted to e-stab-lish himself.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

What did the American say to the German urinating in public?

European illegally!

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

The Royal Family are going to send Prince Andrew to see what public opinion is like

Just putting the feeler out

My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.

My wife wasn’t even upset at me.

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If I ever become famous, I'm gonna kiss another guy publicly just to remove homophones from my fan base.

John and Jon, that means you.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

What do you call a Hero who rides a Public Bus?

A passenger

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Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?

We don't let the homeless piss in our public bathrooms.

What’s the difference between a dirty public transit terminal and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other’s a busty crustacean.

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross

German guy: Thanks!

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A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

Why was the saxophonist charged with public indecency?

He wouldn’t stop scatting at the club.

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store

A man was arrested for public intoxication at the wine store.

At court he explains to the Judge that it was a case of a simple misunderstanding.

Judge: I don't see how this can be a misunderstanding. You were arrested for drinking straight out of the wine bottle at the register!
<...

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

Don't obey public nudity laws

They're a government cover-up conspiracy.

Did you know there are public speaking potatoes?

Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

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I got in trouble pissing in public

It was a golden moment for me

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

My newspaper had a story about a sovereign citizen “going commando” in public.

They got charged for indie-cent exposure.

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Three men are in a public restroom

The first man, from Harvard, finishes his business at the urinal and walks to the sink. He uses plenty of soap and hot water and announces to the room, "At Harvard, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness."

The second man finishes and moves to the sink. He uses minimal soap and wa...

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In the public washroom

2 teenagers stand at the wash basin, 1st teen washed his hands with soap then dries.

2nd teen washes his hands, uses toilet paper then uses hand sanitizer, at the door he says: My dad told me to was hands then use sanitizer after.

Out came a third guy not even washing anything.

...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt in public and thought to myself...

that shows a lot of balls!

What happened when Corona went public?

It went Viral

Cell phone in public...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six t...

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in and those who are inside are desperate to come out.

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

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Did you hear about the mime who was arrested for masturbating in public?

The police thought he'd put up a fight, but he came quietly.

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the public masturbater in the camo trenchcoat?

Nobody saw him coming

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So I was whacking off in a public bathroom...

so i was whacking off in a public bathroom

and i accidentally ejaculated on the guy in the next stall's shoe


_Talk about getting off on the wrong foot!_

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A drunk person walks into public toilet and..

...sees a 1 dollar bill in a shit. He thinks - *Hmmm...Should I get my hands dirty and take the shitty only 1 dollar bill? He thinks for a minute,then takes out a 10 dollar bill from his pocket, throws it into sh*t too and says : For 11 dollars I could do that.

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

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Three Men Were Using Urinals In a Public Restroom

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I lear...

What do you call it when you remove a dog from public office?

An impoochment!

A drunk is thrown in jail for public intoxication ...

... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My good man, you've been brought here for drinking." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get started."

Breastfeeding in public.

This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.

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Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

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A man enters a public toilet and sees a priest taking a piss.

The man walks up to the urinal to relieve himself and notices that the priest has a nicotine patch on his cock.

"Why do you have a nicotine patch on your cock, father?" asks the man.

"Ah, these things are grand. Since I've been on them, I'm down to two butts a day."

I had to cough in a public place today

I tried to cover it with a fart

the hardest part about hitting a child in public...

is avoiding getting caught by their parent's.

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What's more awkward than getting a boner in public?

Your girlfriend getting a boner in public.

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Why was the public masturbator released?

he got off in court

I heard Mia Khalifa is interested in becoming a public speaker

When asked why, Mia Khalifa said "I want people to care more about what comes out of my mouth than what goes in it."

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