You hear about the cop that found a glory hole in a public bathroom?

He received an anonymous tip

What do you call the fear of public toilets?

Common sense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a public toilet and sees a priest taking a piss.

The man walks up to the urinal to relieve himself and notices that the priest has a nicotine patch on his cock.

"Why do you have a nicotine patch on your cock, father?" asks the man.

"Ah, these things are grand. Since I've been on them, I'm down to two butts a day."

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white guy at a public toilet....

A 34 year old white man goes to a public toilet to piss. As he is about to do his business, he sees a beam next to him but no person. He looks around and sees a black man with an enormously large penis that is about 20 cm behind him. The white man shyly addresses the black man: "Is it really true wh...

Did you know there are public speaking potatoes?

Nothing special really, they're just commentaters.

What do you call it when you remove a dog from public office?

An impoochment!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the public masturbater in the camo trenchcoat?

Nobody saw him coming

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

How do you call a public speaker in Russia?

Dead

I heard Mia Khalifa is interested in becoming a public speaker

When asked why, Mia Khalifa said "I want people to care more about what comes out of my mouth than what goes in it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.

My wife wasn’t even upset at me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble pissing in public

It was a golden moment for me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When is it okay to stroke your balls in public?

Golfing


[OC]

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italian men get on a bus

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together aga...

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

Did you hear about the guy who got caught living on public transportation?

Bus Ted

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a pornstar in public and told her that she was beautiful. She replied that I had a nice tattoo.

It was tit-for-tat.

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

Do you know what the cops do to people that sleep in public places?

They put them under **arrest**!

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

All the people who still need to debate the wearing of masks in public...

Are guilty of public mask-debation.

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

Its fun hanging with your friends in the public.

Especially when you’re all depressed.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Not only should masks be mandatory in public spaces

But womandatory and childrendatory too

What do you call someone who doesn't pass gas in public?

A private tooter (tutor)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a homicidal chiropractor.

The Chief reports that the best line of defense is to watch your back.

What do you get when you give LSD into the public tap water supply?

A hallucy nation.

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"


"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd...

Have you ever noticed that all airline Captains have the same last name?

Every public address they make beings with: “Welcome, this is your Captain Speaking...”

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk person walks into public toilet and..

...sees a 1 dollar bill in a shit. He thinks - *Hmmm...Should I get my hands dirty and take the shitty only 1 dollar bill? He thinks for a minute,then takes out a 10 dollar bill from his pocket, throws it into sh*t too and says : For 11 dollars I could do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE)

Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross

German guy: Thanks!

While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret ‘stache.

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much money would I need to be comfortable

to jerk off in public?

It's either billions of dollars or no dollars.

When the "Whose Line is It Anyway" star was publicly derided by a phone guest, it was...

A call-in mockery!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

High End Restaurant

A very well dressed (tailored suit, silk tie, bespoke shoes etc) elegant older customer ordered the very best on the menu resulting in a very large tab.
At the end of the meal he was presented with the bill.
He said to the server, “I don’t know if you remember, but many years ago I was a bit d...

There was a public hanging and the guy went off the ropes and escaped!

Sorry that was badly executed

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

The Kentucky State Fair will take place this year, but will be closed to the public

Doesn’t seem fair to me

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young girl started work at the local pharmacy.

She was very nervous about the idea of having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on vacation for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She agreed but, before he left, she told him about her anxiety regarding the condoms.

"Look" he said....

What is the differenece between public wifi and your wife?

None, you never know how many people used it before you and sometimes it refuses to work with your device for no reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People that have sex in public, please don't leave your used condoms on the ground.

Leave them at eye level so I can truly appreciate them.

I had to cough in a public place today

I tried to cover it with a fart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

Unlike other countries, Syria, despite all their problems, did manage to get their people to be aware of public hygiene and satefy during coronavirus.

Maybe because they already knew what Damascus.

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was sentenced to death because be wouldn't stop banging on about the size of his testicles.

He was publicly hung.

I have a serious problem of chewing with my mouth open when I eat anything...

...my family is always horrified when I masticate in public.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man walks into a public bathroom

and starts to take a piss at a urinal. Just then, he notices the bathroom door swing open and in walks a leprechaun. As the leprechaun is walking up to the urinal besides the man, the man reaches out and catches him. The leprechaun struggles and breaks free from the man and tells him, "obviously you...

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump and Mike Pence are at a Covid press briefing.

Trump: “We have the most cases because we have the most tests. If we tested less, we’d have less cases.”

Pence: “Fewer.”

Trump: “Mike, I told you not to call me that in public.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was a prostitute

She worked in public cervix

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prime Minister's Wife Makes a Faux Pas

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mouths are the new boobs.

It's only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rushes into a public lavatory

A man rushes into a public lavatory but finds all the cubicles to be occupied.
With the need to defecate urgent, he shits inside a plastic bag.
While looking for a way to dispose the bag, he spies an open window. He aims and throws the bag but it opens mid way and the shit spreads all over...

Masks are like bra.

If the strap slipped and it is not at place, people keep pointing out
and if you entirely forgot to wear one in public, people go on staring like hell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People love it when I expose my bum in public...

...I can overhear them saying "what an arsehole".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-Un has reportedly made a public appearance after opening a fertiliser factory.

I smell bullshit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I live about a four miles from my favorite pub - The Horse Brass.

It’s a 10 minute drive. I had a couple pints with my buddies and walked out to the car, and realized I needed to take a piss. Walk back? Nah, just get home, it’s 10 minutes.

About halfway home I realized the beer pee was filling fast so I pulled in behind the Walgreens where the dumpsters ar...

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They woke me up with oral sex

I do not sleep in public transport with my mouth open again

Some cop arrested me for public nudity the other day...

He was so clothes-minded

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

Becoming a dad is stressful.

One day a man walked into a bar;
Bartender: "hello mate, what can I get you? You look quite tense!"
Man: "beer please, my wife is giving birth, she's had one but the doctors say there's more on the way and to keep myself occupied!"

An hour passes so the man uses the public phone in the ...

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than the school shooting?

The royal wedding doesn’t happen every week.

It's not been made public, but Robert De Niro recently became the father of a boy called Tom.

Apparently, he almost spoke his first word the other day.

De Niro asked him, "You talking, Tommy?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Duchess

It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven’t seen it any other places:

A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he’ll be severely punished. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**

**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**

***Think about it.....***

01, No Sports.

02, All Pubs to shut.

03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*

04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY K...

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

Why are Hong Kong police always the first ones in the public square?

They get there early to beat the crowds.

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the public washroom

2 teenagers stand at the wash basin, 1st teen washed his hands with soap then dries.

2nd teen washes his hands, uses toilet paper then uses hand sanitizer, at the door he says: My dad told me to was hands then use sanitizer after.

Out came a third guy not even washing anything.

...

What happened when Corona went public?

It went Viral

As a civilized caveman, Arg found Kro’s advocacy for cannibalism to be deplorable and publicly opposed him.

When the great famine arrived, he realized he was going to have to eat Kro.

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

Why won't you ever find Harry, Hermione or Ron crying in front of the rest of the school?

Cuz, they belong to the bravest house.
They don't cry publicly; they Grief-indoor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man was on holiday in Jamaica

The man had recently gotten a tattoo on his penis. When it stretched out, it would spell «Anne», but it only said «Ae» when flaccid.

One day after he and his wife were done at the beach, he went to the public showers and saw a Jamaican with the letters «Wy» on his schlong.

«Does it sp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.