President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

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Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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I got in trouble pissing in public

It was a golden moment for me

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

Did you hear about the guy who got caught living on public transportation?

Bus Ted

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

My MIL got slapped in public just for wearing a Trump hat.

My wife wasn’t even upset at me.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents weren't religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

‟When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

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Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

Do you know what the cops do to people that sleep in public places?

They put them under **arrest**!

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...

All the people who still need to debate the wearing of masks in public...

Are guilty of public mask-debation.

Its fun hanging with your friends in the public.

Especially when you’re all depressed.

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I saw a pornstar in public and told her that she was beautiful. She replied that I had a nice tattoo.

It was tit-for-tat.

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say

‘Buk Buk BUK.’
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk and say,
‘ Buk Buk BuKKOOK!‘
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books. The chickens leave as before. The ...

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

Not only should masks be mandatory in public spaces

But womandatory and childrendatory too

I used to cough in public to hide my farts

But now I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

What do you call someone who doesn't pass gas in public?

A private tooter (tutor)

Police are asking the public to be on the look out for a homicidal chiropractor.

The Chief reports that the best line of defense is to watch your back.

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

What do you get when you give LSD into the public tap water supply?

A hallucy nation.

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I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

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A drunk person walks into public toilet and..

...sees a 1 dollar bill in a shit. He thinks - *Hmmm...Should I get my hands dirty and take the shitty only 1 dollar bill? He thinks for a minute,then takes out a 10 dollar bill from his pocket, throws it into sh*t too and says : For 11 dollars I could do that.

I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.

Can't wait till this cruise is over.

It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE)

Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well

Did you hear about the undercover cop who uncovered a glory hole in a public toilet?

Turns out he received an anonymous tip.

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Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

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Mouths are the new boobs.

It's only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret ‘stache.

Where do crabs and lobsters park their public transport vehicles?

At the Bustacean

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"


"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd...

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

The Kentucky State Fair will take place this year, but will be closed to the public

Doesn’t seem fair to me

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

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People that have sex in public, please don't leave your used condoms on the ground.

Leave them at eye level so I can truly appreciate them.

There was a public hanging and the guy went off the ropes and escaped!

Sorry that was badly executed

What is the differenece between public wifi and your wife?

None, you never know how many people used it before you and sometimes it refuses to work with your device for no reason.

When the "Whose Line is It Anyway" star was publicly derided by a phone guest, it was...

A call-in mockery!

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross

German guy: Thanks!

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

Unlike other countries, Syria, despite all their problems, did manage to get their people to be aware of public hygiene and satefy during coronavirus.

Maybe because they already knew what Damascus.

I had to cough in a public place today

I tried to cover it with a fart

I like my new girlfriend, but I don’t understand her obsession with public bathrooms

Whenever we see one she tells me: “I used to make my boyfriends come here all the time.”
I don’t understand it!

social distancing is great, public school shootings are down 100%

Unfortunately home school shootings are up 100%

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Two Italian men are having a lively talk on a bus...

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

A church lady behind them is crimson red and beside herself. "You two need Jesus! How dare you say such shameless filth? ...

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

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Duchess

It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven’t seen it any other places:

A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he’ll be severely punished. T...

Who is the leader of international public health?

Yes.

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A drunk man walks into a public bathroom

and starts to take a piss at a urinal. Just then, he notices the bathroom door swing open and in walks a leprechaun. As the leprechaun is walking up to the urinal besides the man, the man reaches out and catches him. The leprechaun struggles and breaks free from the man and tells him, "obviously you...

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

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A group of scientists was doing an experiment involving the bacteria in feces. They asked for donations of fecal matter from the public...

...but nobody gave a crap

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

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A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

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A man rushes into a public lavatory

A man rushes into a public lavatory but finds all the cubicles to be occupied.
With the need to defecate urgent, he shits inside a plastic bag.
While looking for a way to dispose the bag, he spies an open window. He aims and throws the bag but it opens mid way and the shit spreads all over...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People love it when I expose my bum in public...

...I can overhear them saying "what an arsehole".

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

I always thought waking up to a BJ would be nice

I was wrong and I'm gonna try sleeping with my mouth closed while using public transport from now on.

Why did the police arrest the squirrels in the park?

- For busting a nut in public view

A kid always embarrasses his father

Whenever they are in public, he shouts “dad i need to pee!” So the father made a deal with the kid, instead of saying “pee” he says “whistle”
The days passed and the kid went to spend the weekends in his grandpa’s house, when night came, he woke up his father mid-night saying “grandpa i need to ...

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

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Kim Jong-Un has reportedly made a public appearance after opening a fertiliser factory.

I smell bullshit.

Aging Realities

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

What do the Frey and public golden showers have in common?

Everyone knows urine over your head

Once upon a time there was a brutal and ruthless king...

Once upon a time there was a brutal and ruthless king that had restricted lives of his citizens to a point where his throne was at the risk of being overthrown. There were daily riots and people were fed up with their lives as a result of being oppressed so much and having virtually no rights.
...

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

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How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

Some cop arrested me for public nudity the other day...

He was so clothes-minded

It's not been made public, but Robert De Niro recently became the father of a boy called Tom.

Apparently, he almost spoke his first word the other day.

De Niro asked him, "You talking, Tommy?"

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

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a man goes to his doctor ,,,

a man goes to see his doctor .

the doctor asks him " what is the reason for your visit ?"

the man answers in a very deep gravelly voice " its my voice doc , it scares my fiancee. Its okay when we are out in public or the lights are on , but the minute it gets dark or the lights go out...

I saw a poster today for a free concert for those working in public health. It said 'Frontline Only'.

Weird. I would've thought they'd fill the whole venue.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**

**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**

***Think about it.....***

01, No Sports.

02, All Pubs to shut.

03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*

04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY K...

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In the public washroom

2 teenagers stand at the wash basin, 1st teen washed his hands with soap then dries.

2nd teen washes his hands, uses toilet paper then uses hand sanitizer, at the door he says: My dad told me to was hands then use sanitizer after.

Out came a third guy not even washing anything.

...

Rhonda in the pub

Rhonda wandered down to her local public house, for one of their themed dining nights.

Tonight was Chiili, paired with either rum , absinthe or gin. As she entered, she encountered the fragrant aroma of spicy beef and beans, although there was also the faint undernotes of an aroma associated...

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

When it comes to social distancing and covering your face in public...

We have to give credit to Muslim women.

What other group of people are covered from head to toe, walking six feet behind their husband?

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian men on a bus in NY..

2 men from India get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:

"Emma cums first.. Den I cum... Den two asses cum together... . ...

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A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again. The next day the local paper read: "PRIESTS ASS OUT FRONT".

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the ...

What does a flasher have in common with a Vietnamese ATM?

They both whip out their dong in public

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

What happened when Corona went public?

It went Viral

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Why are Hong Kong police always the first ones in the public square?

They get there early to beat the crowds.

I've been transferred to Baltimore...

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are te...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

I'd like to take a moment here to publicly endorse podiums...

It's a product I can truly stand behind...


Norm McDonald

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a public bathroom.

And can’t wipe his ass because there is no toilet paper.

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.

Oops sorry. Wrong bus.

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people can appreciate public displays of affection.

Dropped my pants in public today...

Luckily they were still in a bag from when I bought them earlier.

My friend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public

I said maybe...

A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.” The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the diving board.”

3 Kids are arguing about who's dad is the fastest...

At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...


Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.


He is a professional archer. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

I got a $900 fine and a month of community service for urinating in public...

If you ask me it was a harsh punishment for only a wee crime.

I'll see myself out.

The Public: Wow that guys an idiot

Also the Public: Lets immortalize him
Some other idiot: I should try that out

Trump and Pense at a press briefing.

Trump: “if we tested less, we’d have less cases”.
Pense: “fewer”
Trump: “I told you not to call me that in public”.

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