UPJOKE
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The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

I saw an ad selling Russian rifles online.

Never been fired and only dropped once!

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

I can do a perfect online impersonation of an extractor fan...

I used to like tractors; but I don't any more.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

why aren't fish allowed online

They always get hooked on the inter net

What do you call falling for a pyramid scheme online?

E-gypped

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

How can online retailers hurt Russia?

Suspending delivery of Adidas Tracksuit.

A man placed an ad online saying, "Wife wanted."

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

How do you hook up online if you live in Alabama?

ancestry.cօm

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

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If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

I’m starting a new online bank based in Vatican City

It’s called Papal.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you guys know.

A man looked up how to grow plants from seeds online.

He did it for shoots and googles.

Well, that was embarrassing.

I forgot where I parked my car. Then my wife reminded me that I was shopping online.

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

I found an erectile dysfunction group online, it looks fun.

It can’t be hard to join

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

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I ordered a silver cigarette case for my wife online, but when it arrived, someone had engraved the word CUNT on the back of it. I was absolutely livid.

I'd asked for it on the front.

Gas prices are getting ridiculous

I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

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Mildred, bingo, and Buzzy the parrot

During the pandemic, Mildred, a widow for twenty years, was worried she had to give up her weekly bingo game down at Saint Mary’s community hall. Fortunately, the church found a way to take the game online using Zoom. (After all, bingo was a nice source of revenue.) Just as important, she had Buzzy,...

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...

What is the best way to find the 'World's Greatest Hacker' ?

Create an online poll and wait for the magic to happen.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

Does Vladanir Putin have an Onlyfans?

No dumny, he can't access online payment

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

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My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

A few days ago I ordered a couple of new knives online

They were delivered today at 2pm sharp

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

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The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

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I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I don't have guts to repost.

Said the online butcher.

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

Could anyone be so dumb as to brag about the capitol riots online, for all the world to see?

Jenny Cudd.

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?

*e*Manual



(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)

Will Santa bring me a PS5 for Christmas?

I really could use another to scalp online for profit.

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

I listen to the teachers keenly during my online classes

I take notes and ask questions too.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

Did you hear about the wedding put online because of Covid-19?

I was a bit disappointed I couldn't physically be there but at least the reception was good.

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

I once had an online hacker friend

But he ransomware

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

RIP Norm

Before Norm Macdonald passed away, rumour was he was working on a very large Christmas special. The Christmas special was to be online only, live-streamed on multiple platforms and feature many famous celebrities and comedians and friends of Norm.

It’s a shame it never happened, because you ...

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