I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Its been months since i bought the book "How to scam people online".

It still hasn't arrive yet...

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you guys know.

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

I found an erectile dysfunction group online, it looks fun.

It can’t be hard to join

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

This guy online offered to sell me a nice new xylophone…

But when we met up, he just gave me really bad vibes.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

What do you call medical students who graduated online ?

‘Google docs’

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

How do trees get online?

They just log on!

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

I was trying to find some good jokes about Indian bread online, but I couldn't find any.

They're basically naan-existent.

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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Due to this unfortunate times, me and my wife decided to make a sex tape to raise money

Our neighbour paid a huge money so that we won't release it online...

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

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Donating

A woman (Tiffany) has fallen on hard times lately. She sees an ad online stating this company will buy her eggs for $200 a pop.

She goes to the building and gets in the elevator and presses the button for the 2nd floor. A man gets on and presses "5." The woman recognizes him as a friend from ...

A medical graduate who did most of their studies online during the pandemic...

is known as a Google Doc :)

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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I bought a fleshlight online but it was stolen by a Porch Pirate

I'd say he can go fuck himself but that's literally what he's about to do with it.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

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Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

A few days ago I ordered a couple of new knives online

They were delivered today at 2pm sharp

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

Did you know?

According to Ohm's law, the best way to get an answer is to post an incorrect answer online, and someone will eventually correct you.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

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My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

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I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

Could anyone be so dumb as to brag about the capitol riots online, for all the world to see?

Jenny Cudd.

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

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I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

I just can't pronounce `Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn`, but I'm trying to do better -

I just signed up for an online course called `Hooked on Cthonics`

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

How do you call website, where you can watch online horror movies?

Screaming service

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?

*e*Manual



(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)

What do you call an app for an online bukkake party?

Facetime.

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

I listen to the teachers keenly during my online classes

I take notes and ask questions too.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

I asked a guy at the station, when was the next Train coming ? " Have a look up online " he said. So I replied..

.." That's a bit dangerous, isn't it ? "

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

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Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

What's a lesson you'd take in online classes?

Internet history

Did you hear about the wedding put online because of Covid-19?

I was a bit disappointed I couldn't physically be there but at least the reception was good.

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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My brother met his husband in an online game

Gaymer moment

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

p.s not my joke, found it online

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

If a priest does his sermons online

Does that make it the VoIP of God?

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

I once had an online hacker friend

But he ransomware

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does watching porn and taking an online test have in common?

You close 20 tabs when you're finished.

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

I like to lie a lot on online dating profiles.

But I have to tell you the hardest part about being six foot - five is finding someone who loves me for me.

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My sex life is like an explosion

I watch them online, but never take part

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Since we're all stuck at home during this plague, I decided to take an online course in running a funeral home.

I'm majoring in Necronomics.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

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