As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

How do trees get online?

They just log on!

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

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I bought a fleshlight online but it was stolen by a Porch Pirate

I'd say he can go fuck himself but that's literally what he's about to do with it.

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Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

A few days ago I ordered a couple of new knives online

They were delivered today at 2pm sharp

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

Could anyone be so dumb as to brag about the capitol riots online, for all the world to see?

Jenny Cudd.

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

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My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

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I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

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I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

How do you call website, where you can watch online horror movies?

Screaming service

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?

*e*Manual



(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

p.s not my joke, found it online

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Online clases are like watching Dora the Explorer

Online clases are like watching Dora the Explorer. The teacher asks a question, there’s a moment of silence, and then he answers himself.

What do you call an app for an online bukkake party?

Facetime.

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

I asked a guy at the station, when was the next Train coming ? " Have a look up online " he said. So I replied..

.." That's a bit dangerous, isn't it ? "

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

What's a lesson you'd take in online classes?

Internet history

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Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

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My sex life is like an explosion

I watch them online, but never take part

Did you hear about the wedding put online because of Covid-19?

I was a bit disappointed I couldn't physically be there but at least the reception was good.

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

With most colleges going online now, nobody is laughing at University of Phoenix anymore

jk

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

If a priest does his sermons online

Does that make it the VoIP of God?

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

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Protesting Crows

A crow march was organized online - smart little buggers. Only two showed up. Thousands bought tickets on TikToc... The two crows were arrested. When asked why they didn't wear masks they said they were not afraid of Corvid-19. They were charged with attempted murder.

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

I once had an online hacker friend

But he ransomware

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

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What does watching porn and taking an online test have in common?

You close 20 tabs when you're finished.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

I like to lie a lot on online dating profiles.

But I have to tell you the hardest part about being six foot - five is finding someone who loves me for me.

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

Because of covid-19 I'm doing things I've never done before. Tonight, for the first time, I started looking for dates online.

My local supermarket has set up an online service where you can search for your groceries and things online. I've put in an order for a cup of cooking dates. I'm excited to pick them up. I'm sure they'll be very sweet.

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

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I've got this online friend who's from Katowice. He's a great guy and all,but man,do I hate playing FPS games against him. He always hides in some trench and takes me out by surprise,every goddamn time!

Fuck the Polish comin straight from the underground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a bag called "kaka" online today

But I'm from Norway so it doesnt mean shit to me.

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

Today my friend told me about a new fetish he saw online called GILFs

I had to tell him it was actually pretty old.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

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