I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

You can go online and learn practically anything for under $50!

Or you can go to college and learn the same thing online for $10,000 or more.

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

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Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

What do you call someone who races online.

An eracer.

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

What do you call an app for an online bukkake party?

Facetime.

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."

Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse ...

I like to lie a lot on online dating profiles.

But I have to tell you the hardest part about being six foot - five is finding someone who loves me for me.

Elton John gets stopped by police

The officers however don’t recognise him, and Elton shows the a picture online.

Officer 1: I’m so sorry sir, we didn’t recognise you

Officer 2: yes but you were doing 55 in a 40 sir elton so, can we see your license?

The next day Elton is locked in a cell, screaming out : I did...

I once had an online hacker friend

But he ransomware

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

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What does watching porn and taking an online test have in common?

You close 20 tabs when you're finished.

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

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I've got this online friend who's from Katowice. He's a great guy and all,but man,do I hate playing FPS games against him. He always hides in some trench and takes me out by surprise,every goddamn time!

Fuck the Polish comin straight from the underground.

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

Since we're all stuck at home during this plague, I decided to take an online course in running a funeral home.

I'm majoring in Necronomics.

Windows loves to troll me

Windows: "the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error"

Also windows:" would you like to go online to search for a solution".

When you're playing an online game,

your teammates have certain respawnsibilities.

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

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The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

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I bought a bag called "kaka" online today

But I'm from Norway so it doesnt mean shit to me.

Today my friend told me about a new fetish he saw online called GILFs

I had to tell him it was actually pretty old.

I was worried my tightwalking class would be cancelled because of the lockdown

But it's all online now

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

Online dating is hard...

Every time I try to meet someone new they end up in jail. Grown-ups have it easy than us kids like c'mon I'm only 9 years old!

Look at this COVID graph

Every time I do it makes me gasp

How did our state get so red?

And what’s the temperature of Joey’s head?


This is where I grew up,

I think the POTUS really screwed it up.

Ventilators? No we went without

The 2nd wave makes it hard for going out

...

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

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NSFW I was selling my dick pics online until people got angry.

Apparently people don't like microtransactions.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

An American meets a Chinese man online...

An American man meets a Chinese man online. They get to know each other, and one day, the American asks the Chinese
“Hey, do you want to meet up sometime in America?” The next day, the Chinese man replies that he can take a day or two to visit. So the day after that, the Chinese man arrives in A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

If you're looking for new Elder Scrolls Online DLC

Look Elsweyr

I'm sorry

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

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Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this online it's called buffering

I bought some TNT online to demolish a dilapidated building. I set it off but it never exploded.

2/10 would not bang

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online

We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

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So I bought this sex doll online from an ex ISIS guy.

Really easy, these dolls blow themselves up!

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I bought a penis enlarger online for only $11!

It was a magnifying glass.

I bought a bunch of antique spears online. But when I received them, they were all missing their spear heads.

I got shafted.

Missed meeting

I woke up a bit late this morning and missed an online meeting I didn't get an invite to until Friday, which was a vacation day in the states.

After the meeting was over I got a message from my boss asking me why I missed the meeting.

So I asked, "Well, can I be Frank?"

And he...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

I feel like people who write things online under fake accounts are insecure and can’t handle the pressure of having society see who they really are

-Anonymous

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

My 18 yo sister said that online dating is tough

In the past 8 years every man she met there ended up in jail

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

When trying online dating, try opening with a joke that you read on this sub.

That way, you can be sure that they are not some weirdo who’s on Reddit.

Male or Female Shipping

So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.

She was like what does that mean?

I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.



I think I just made this up.

What do you call an online Soviet nickname

a USSRname

Got talking to a girl online then when we met in person she was a 65 year old guy.

She wasn't lying when she said her ex was a plastic surgeon.

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Opinions are like assholes..

Everyone has one and you should think really carefully before you post yours online..

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C.

We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

I recently ordered a thesaurus online.

When it arrived, it was blank. I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.

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I asked my wife to go online and watch some porn to get some ideas for the bedroom.

Next time we made love, she laid there motionless. I asked her "what are you doing?". She replied, I saw this online, it's called "buffering".

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Online dating

I thought I could get a nude pic from a girl I met on a dating site recently by starting first. So, I sent a pic of my eyes and she sent back a pic of her smile. I sent a pic of my 6 pack and she sent back a pic of her flat stomach. I sent a pic of my firm ass and she sent back a pic of her 9” penis...

I've been posting my resume online while I was asleep;

hoping to get my dream job.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

...so we’re going to go on a date next week...

Ordering Blinds Online

I ordered a set of blinds off of the internet. When they were delivered there were 2 Italians standing there. I asked what was going on? They replied "We're your new Venetians"

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

With so many posts online telling me to vote, I kinda feel bad for not voting today

And I'm not even an American.

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A woman, tired of bad relationships, posts an ad online

The ad reads "Looking for a man who would treat me right and won't hit me, who would never run away from me, and would give me the best sex of my life. If you meet this criteria, come see me at 22A Greenich avenue"

People come and go, but noone is to her liking. Just when she was about to giv...

I wanted to try online dating

I wanted to try online dating, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive. We started chatting, and everything was going great, until she told me her career is "professional blood donor."

That's when I knew she wasn't my type.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

I entered an online pun competition with ten of my best puns hoping atleast one would win

No pun in 10 did

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I met a bunch of cannibals online and we got along so well we decided to hold a get-together

The first few days were great but then we just got fed up with each other

I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

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I ordered a book online about premature ejaculation

It came in the mail.

On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

The cops busted me for pinching clothes people had hung out to dry.

They called it theft.


I call it online shopping.

I want to start an online donation website for my cocaine and hookers habit.

I'm going to call it GoBlowMe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ordered an extra large T-shirt from an online Roman website.

They sent me fucking forty regular.

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