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Online Jokes

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

I tried to start an online bakery

But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.

I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.

I think he might be my Seoulmate

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

After seeing watching videos and tutorials online, I finally tried to tie a knot using my tongue.

But I only ended up getting tongue-tied.

I went online to order Oreos and the website errored

My VPN was rejecting cookies.

Three months ago I ordered a book “How to scam people online”

It still hasn’t arrived

I’ve ordered a chicken and an egg online

I’ll let you know which one came first

i found a great online support group for erectile dysfunction

but the site won’t stay up

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

My friend who studies history just reformatted his online notes in time for his finals

Too bad though, war crimes are now justified

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

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A lady places an online ad looking for the perfect man.

Her post read “Looking for a man who will not cheat, who will not run away, and who is good in bed!”

She received many replies but none that met all three criteria.

Several months went by and she began to lose hope.

One day the doorbell rang and it was a quadriplegic man smiling...

My online lizard has stopped working...

I've got e-reptile dysfunction.

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

What do you call a sugar momma you only interact with online?

EBae

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

I saw an ad selling Russian rifles online.

Never been fired and only dropped once!

What was the first online class?

Drying laundry 101

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

In a fantasy book, a woman stares awkwardly at her date

As her date munched on a cookie his size, she asked, “why didn’t you tell me you were a pixie online?”

The date said, “I literally told you I was ten inches.”

[O(r)C] Why don't Orcs like to shop online?

They prefer to support local brick and Mordor.

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

My online coffee bean order wasn’t eligible for overnight delivery.

They told me they only ship ground.

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

Little known fact #38: One of the first online "hook-up" apps started out using Sean Connery to do their voice overs. They soon noticed they were only getting hits from roofers.

Apparently they were interested in the dozens of hot shingles in their area.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...

why aren't fish allowed online

They always get hooked on the inter net

How can online retailers hurt Russia?

Suspending delivery of Adidas Tracksuit.

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

How do you hook up online if you live in Alabama?

ancestry.cօm

What do you call falling for a pyramid scheme online?

E-gypped

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

A man placed an ad online saying, "Wife wanted."

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."

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If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

A single guy walks into a bar

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come w...

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

I’m starting a new online bank based in Vatican City

It’s called Papal.

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

A man looked up how to grow plants from seeds online.

He did it for shoots and googles.

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

I went on a date with a blind girl last night

and it went so well that she paid for the meal, the drinks and even bought me a new TV and a pair of trainers online.

She'll be livid when she finds out.

A memer, an antivegan activist, a teenager, a GTA Online player, a LoL player, an anti-China activist, and a Redditor walk into a bar.

The bartender says upon their entry, “Happy Cake Day, Elson!”

My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.

A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.

He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

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I ordered a silver cigarette case for my wife online, but when it arrived, someone had engraved the word CUNT on the back of it. I was absolutely livid.

I'd asked for it on the front.

My wife asked me where I come up with my jokes ...

I told her I Reddit somewhere online ...

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

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A joke my dad told me

There is this guy who is horny and wants to call a prostitute.
He search online and comes across a special one.
"First in the world, can sing the national anthem while giving you a blowjob !"
So the guys is intrigued, and proceeds to call the lady.
They meet at a hotel and the guy lay...

A man's broken fence

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be...

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

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My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

I took my 8 year old daughter to the office on “Take Your Kid To Work Day.”

When we walked in the office she
started to cry.

As concerned staff gathered round I
asked her what was wrong and she
said, "Daddy where are all the clowns
you said you worked with?"


Funny joke I found online a little while ago lol.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

Glasses to see people naked

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see...

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

I was trying to find some good jokes about Indian bread online, but I couldn't find any.

They're basically naan-existent.

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

A farmer is obsessed with Tractors

His whole live revolves around them. He eats, sleeps and dreams tractors, but one day his wife is killed in a tragic tractor accident. The farmer decides he's had enough and completely strips tractors from his life, moves off the farm and tries to move on without his wife and love of tractors
...

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

When trying online dating, you should open with a joke you found on Reddit.

This way, you can ensure that they're not some weirdo who reads Reddit.

I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian...

I've never met *herbivore*


:)

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

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Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

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I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

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