As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

What's the hardest part about maintaining a website that sells sausages online?

Constantly having to check for bad links.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

How does a tree get online?

It logs in

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions

1. ⁠My credit card number
2. ⁠My social security number
3. ⁠Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

Could anyone be so dumb as to brag about the capitol riots online, for all the world to see?

Jenny Cudd.

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

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Breaking news: Melania Trump’s naked pics are now online

Fake nudes

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

How do you call website, where you can watch online horror movies?

Screaming service

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse...

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started t...

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

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I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

p.s not my joke, found it online

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?

*e*Manual



(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)

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My sex life is like an explosion

I watch them online, but never take part

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

I listen to the teachers keenly during my online classes

I take notes and ask questions too.

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I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

If there's one thing I've learned to control during this online session

It's F

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

Online clases are like watching Dora the Explorer

Online clases are like watching Dora the Explorer. The teacher asks a question, there’s a moment of silence, and then he answers himself.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

I asked a guy at the station, when was the next Train coming ? " Have a look up online " he said. So I replied..

.." That's a bit dangerous, isn't it ? "

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

What's a lesson you'd take in online classes?

Internet history

What do you call an app for an online bukkake party?

Facetime.

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

Did you hear about the wedding put online because of Covid-19?

I was a bit disappointed I couldn't physically be there but at least the reception was good.

If a priest does his sermons online

Does that make it the VoIP of God?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

I once had an online hacker friend

But he ransomware

Why do birds always congregate on power wires?

So they can hang out with their friends online.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you play FPS games this will make sense. Should be original.

A man goes online and finds two of his mate playing COD:Warzone with a guy he doesn't know. He asks them what his name is and he guy says proudly in a French Accent "Zey call me ze Wanker". He is a bit dubious but his friends insist he is pretty good.

So they play the battle royal mode, and W...

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What does watching porn and taking an online test have in common?

You close 20 tabs when you're finished.

I like to lie a lot on online dating profiles.

But I have to tell you the hardest part about being six foot - five is finding someone who loves me for me.

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

my dyslexic online friend who always act sad finally commit

he said"i have crippling description"

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

So I went online to find out how many Swiss it would take to screw a light bulb. Turns out it's 16 for a 4 pack. So 4 Swiss for the one. But this answer left me with another question:

Why are they all named Frank?

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snow Day

This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought.......

SHIT, we have school online today

With this new app, you'll be able to keep track of the speed at which your pet mice move and share it online in just a matter of seconds.

Introducing: Mice Pace

Since we're all stuck at home during this plague, I decided to take an online course in running a funeral home.

I'm majoring in Necronomics.

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got this online friend who's from Katowice. He's a great guy and all,but man,do I hate playing FPS games against him. He always hides in some trench and takes me out by surprise,every goddamn time!

Fuck the Polish comin straight from the underground.

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The principal at our school once gave detention to a student for illegally downloading Justin Bieber songs online for free.

Even worse, he expelled another student who actually *paid* for his album.

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a bag called "kaka" online today

But I'm from Norway so it doesnt mean shit to me.

I bought a volvo from Neil Diamond on eBay...

Swede car online!

What do you call an online prostitution site?

A hornet

Today my friend told me about a new fetish he saw online called GILFs

I had to tell him it was actually pretty old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW I was selling my dick pics online until people got angry.

Apparently people don't like microtransactions.

If you're looking for new Elder Scrolls Online DLC

Look Elsweyr

I'm sorry

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

An American meets a Chinese man online...

An American man meets a Chinese man online. They get to know each other, and one day, the American asks the Chinese
“Hey, do you want to meet up sometime in America?” The next day, the Chinese man replies that he can take a day or two to visit. So the day after that, the Chinese man arrives in A...

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