5 months ago I ordered a book called "How to Scam People Online"

It still hasn't been delivered yet.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

Who works for an online site that’s worth billions for free?

A Reddit Moderator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you guys know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ordered a silver cigarette case for my wife online, but when it arrived, someone had engraved the word CUNT on the back of it. I was absolutely livid.

I'd asked for it on the front.

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...

I found an erectile dysfunction group online, it looks fun.

It can’t be hard to join

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

My dad is an online comedian who specialises in dad jokes about ice cream.

He calls himself the "LOL ePop".

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

What do you call it when you’re bathroom tile that you ordered online falls off the shipment truck due to company mismanagement?

e wrecked tile dysfunction

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

How do trees get online?

They just log on!

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vice President Cheney opened a boutique online content management firm after retiring. His specialty was evaluating effectiveness of online competitions and customer engagement events.

You may think the things that he did sounds cool, but in reality they were all just Dick measuring contests.

I was trying to find some good jokes about Indian bread online, but I couldn't find any.

They're basically naan-existent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

Why did the non binary prospecter move west in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.






I saw this online but had to share, don’t come at me if you’ve heard it before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what they call someone who molests children using an online dictionary?

A Wikipaedophile

Shock Rocker Alice Cooper says he's taken up Tap Dancing during lockdown, with online group lessons every Wednesday

He says he's making slow progress, but doing better than Elton John, who - after six weeks - is still standing.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

There was an FBI agent named Craig.

Craig's job was checking furniture that people sell online to see if there's nothing illegal in it.

However, Craig had a weird habit - instead of tracking all illegal items, he had a document with every single legal piece of furniture that people sold, and he was removing items from there if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viagra I bought online was laced with a chemical found in Wite-Out

It gave me a massive correction!

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

My Girlfriend And I Went Online Shopping For Clothes While I Had Covid

She says I have no taste

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

With all of the confusion with moving between online learning and in-person learning I lost my thesaurus

I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

Dear seller, a month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"!

Tell me please, when will I receive it?

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to this unfortunate times, me and my wife decided to make a sex tape to raise money

Our neighbour paid a huge money so that we won't release it online...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donating

A woman (Tiffany) has fallen on hard times lately. She sees an ad online stating this company will buy her eggs for $200 a pop.

She goes to the building and gets in the elevator and presses the button for the 2nd floor. A man gets on and presses "5." The woman recognizes him as a friend from ...

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was surprised about the questions they asked on my online job application.

First they asked if want to have sex with male or female .

And now they want me to choose who i want to race with.

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

Could anyone be so dumb as to brag about the capitol riots online, for all the world to see?

Jenny Cudd.

What do you call an app for an online bukkake party?

Facetime.

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

How do you call website, where you can watch online horror movies?

Screaming service

Did you know?

According to Ohm's law, the best way to get an answer is to post an incorrect answer online, and someone will eventually correct you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

Was a good name for an angel that always looks up the instructions online?

*e*Manual



(it's not a good joke, but I came up with it myself... so that has to count for something lol)

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

I listen to the teachers keenly during my online classes

I take notes and ask questions too.

What did the trout and the carpenter ant name their online business?

Efishant

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

If there's one thing I've learned to control during this online session

It's F

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

My Irish stepfather was a master story teller. He told the Wembley joke differently than what I've seen online.

Excuse me, is this Wembley?
No it's Thursday.
So am I let's have one.

He paid particular attention to the beat changes in this story. At the end of each line (the beat) he would change voices. Each line was a different voice/character. He told the story as if it was a fast paced con...

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

I asked a guy at the station, when was the next Train coming ? " Have a look up online " he said. So I replied..

.." That's a bit dangerous, isn't it ? "

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

I just can't pronounce `Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn`, but I'm trying to do better -

I just signed up for an online course called `Hooked on Cthonics`

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

Did you hear about the wedding put online because of Covid-19?

I was a bit disappointed I couldn't physically be there but at least the reception was good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

What's a lesson you'd take in online classes?

Internet history

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

I once had an online hacker friend

But he ransomware

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

With most colleges going online now, nobody is laughing at University of Phoenix anymore

jk

I read online that English is one of the hardest languages to learn...

Their's know weigh thats' write!

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

If a priest does his sermons online

Does that make it the VoIP of God?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does watching porn and taking an online test have in common?

You close 20 tabs when you're finished.

I got a highly contagious viral infection from online communities.

It must be all those social media influenzas.

I was chatting to a girl online and she said her parents were monkeys. I figured she had to be lying.

Then I saw her face, now Imma believe her.

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

A student never turns in his homework because his dog keeps eating it. After moving to online classes, the teacher thought he finally wouldn’t have an excuse.

Because of the global pandemic, the teacher had to move the assignments online. Thinking of this student, she thought that he surely wouldn’t have an excuse anymore and would finally have to turn an assignment in.

But after the assignment was due and the teacher was done grading, she noticed...

I tried to get into online dating, but then I fractured my wrist...

I couldn't pick up lines

I hate when guys brag about their height online

It makes me six two my stomach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

p.s not my joke, found it online

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.