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Online Jokes

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it’s really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

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I just took an online IQ test...

"404" sounds pretty fucking high!

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

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I absolutely HATE online porn!

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I bought this sweet car online

Turns out it used to be owned by Neil Diamond

I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.

I think he might be my Seoulmate

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

I ordered a book of jokes online 2 years ago

I finally got it

The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian...

I've never met *herbivore*


:)

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I got catfished by the same person online 3 different times…

That chris hansen is one tricky bitch.

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All of the suggested ads I'm seeing online today are for Viagra and it's frustrating and annoying.

I think they're just trying to get a rise out of me.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I'll let you guys know.

I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.

I tried to start an online bakery

But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.

Sent from my iPhone

When trying online dating, you should open with a joke you found on Reddit.

This way, you can ensure that they're not some weirdo who reads Reddit.

What was the first online class?

Drying laundry 101

why aren't fish allowed online

They always get hooked on the inter net

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What do you call the online version of a popular Japanese desert?

An e-mochi

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

Millennials being the first generation to grow up online should have been called Gen-E

But Forrest Gump ruined it for us

i found a great online support group for erectile dysfunction

but the site won’t stay up

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

I went online to order Oreos and the website errored

My VPN was rejecting cookies.

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

How can online retailers hurt Russia?

Suspending delivery of Adidas Tracksuit.

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I took an online test to see how much I'm like Hitler.

The test was simple: Score a 1=nothing like Hitler;Score a 10=Hitler himself.


Well, I took the test and got a two. So I guess you can say I'm eight off Hitler.

Read this one online a while back

An engineer dies and goes to hell. At first, he's reluctant to come to terms with where he is.

The devil sees him, and says" Cheer up, hell isn't so bad. I'll prove it, you can have the best room in the house."

The engineer happily accepts and is led to something that looks like it was...

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.

They send me new matches every week.

[O(r)C] Why don't Orcs like to shop online?

They prefer to support local brick and Mordor.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.

They looked good, so I figured I would make them. The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. I made it with the...

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A lady places an online ad looking for the perfect man.

Her post read “Looking for a man who will not cheat, who will not run away, and who is good in bed!”

She received many replies but none that met all three criteria.

Several months went by and she began to lose hope.

One day the doorbell rang and it was a quadriplegic man smiling...

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

Online dating during Covid is like:

I'm dying to meet you.

I went to take an online ADHD test today...

but gave up quickly because it was stupid and boring.

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! someone call an ambulance!

Wii U Wii U Wii U

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If a sex worker does their work entirely online...

... Can they be called an "Internet Service Provider?"

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

A man placed an ad online saying, "Wife wanted."

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

What do you call falling for a pyramid scheme online?

E-gypped

My friend who studies history just reformatted his online notes in time for his finals

Too bad though, war crimes are now justified

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

After seeing watching videos and tutorials online, I finally tried to tie a knot using my tongue.

But I only ended up getting tongue-tied.

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

I should have known Trump supporters online were Russians.

Their English is too good.

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My wife asked me to stop buying stupid shit online.

So I shipped her back to Russia.

When you buy a sheep online...

Do you pay for a shipping fee?

Found this joke online thought I'd share it

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pol...

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

BREAKING: The Internet has been permanently shutdown in Russia, Kremlin announced today, adding that a new network open only to Russians is set to go online within the week

Sources close to the Kremlin says Putin himself took to naming the network, proudly dubbing it as 'The Internyet'

Our Christmas pageant moved online at the last minute due to COVID

So my wife is now barking orders: “I need a bathrobe for my Joseph!”

“No problem!” I replied, digging one out of the closet.

“I need a doll for my Jesus!”

“I’ll get one from the kids’ room!” I call over my shoulder, already on my way.

“I need a rustic backdrop for my in...

I’m starting a new online bank based in Vatican City

It’s called Papal.

Apparently most people in The Vatican make their purchases online

Makes sense. I mean, they are a PayPal state

I do online classes like games...

Blame it all on my internet.

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

Why don’t bandaids shop online?

They don’t like getting ripped off.

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

What is China's favourite online game ?

Unreal Tiannament.

Ordering Blinds Online

I ordered a set of blinds off of the internet. When they were delivered there were 2 Italians standing there. I asked what was going on? They replied "We're your new Venetians"

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

Just finished an online MS Office course.

I Excelled.

I built a staircase using an online tutorial!

When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

I went online looking for some new recipies for dessert.

I clicked on accept cookies, but I'm still waiting for them to show up.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

So some dude online called me an Asshoule...

I said: no u

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

What do online video games and sonnets have in common?

Both end in a GG.

You get wrecked offline and rekt online.

Would getting rekt online make you e-rekt?

How do deaf people meet online?

Simple, they just ask "ASL?"

How does the Pope make online purchases?

Using his Papal account.

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

If a priest does his sermons online

Does that make it the VoIP of God?

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

What's a lesson you'd take in online classes?

Internet history

I recently ordered a thesaurus online.

When it arrived, it was blank. I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

Having a PhD. gains you leverage in online dating

Helps with handling rejections well.

A few days ago I ordered a couple of new knives online

They were delivered today at 2pm sharp

What do you call an online prostitution site?

A hornet

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

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I bought a bag called "kaka" online today

But I'm from Norway so it doesnt mean shit to me.

I listen to the teachers keenly during my online classes

I take notes and ask questions too.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

CDC website: new free online COVID-19 test available

How it works is like this: you visit the site with your phone, you spit on the camera lens and then send them that picture--and just from that photo, they can tell if you're an idiot.

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A woman, tired of bad relationships, posts an ad online

The ad reads "Looking for a man who would treat me right and won't hit me, who would never run away from me, and would give me the best sex of my life. If you meet this criteria, come see me at 22A Greenich avenue"

People come and go, but noone is to her liking. Just when she was about to giv...

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

So I was talking to my 13 year old friend online....

And out of nowhere she told me she was an FBI agent. How cool is that?!

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I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

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