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Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty bucks," she says.


He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer. ...

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

Oof

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Last night I dreamt that I was weightless

I was like “0mg”

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to...

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...

Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

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One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

A couple of years ago, one night,

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my pl...

Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

I met an older woman in a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a sixty-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double". "What's that?", I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome",...

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I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.

He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him.
He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek an...

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

I made a chicken salad for dinner last night.

But he didn’t eat it. Maybe I used too much dressing.

Late one night...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop give...

My husband found me rooting through the back of his wardrobe last night......

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Narnia business", I replied.

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(NSFW) I was with this girl last night

We were making out and she told me “give me 9 inches and make it hurt”

So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

Did you know there used to be a van in the painting “Starry Night”?

Where did the Van Gogh?

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking home one night

when Sherlock Homes suddenly stopped.

"Dear God. I just stepped on something brown and icky. Tell me Watson, was it mud?"

Watson looked back at what Holmes stepped on and said "No. Shit Sherlock".

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

What do you call someone who removes a tumor in the middle of the night?

An on-call-ogist

I dreamt that I invented a new color last night

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

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A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.

The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". <...

Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.

Turns out it was just another dad choke.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

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On their wedding night, a young bride asked her new husband to pay her $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she w...

I got robbed last night

The robber was looking for money, so I got out of bed and helped him

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

My house was haunted by the ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci last night

I almost had an art attack.

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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so h...

I was so drunk last night

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a night.

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night...

The cop says “how high are you, sir?”

The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so sh...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
...

I watched a documentary on mathematical functions last night, but was really disappointed.

The plot line was predictable. The special f(x) was awful too.

Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

My wife clogged up the toilet last night

I knew i should have cut her into smaller pieces.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night.

**His funfair is next monkey.**

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

Last night, I asked my wife what she'd do if i won the lottery..

The wife says "Easy, I'd take half and leave your ass."

"Cool, I hit a scratch off for $12, here's $6."

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I went to the kitchen last night for some midnight cookies

As soon as I got downstairs I heard my mom and stepdad having loud sex.

I ran back upstairs and threw my headphones off to try and forget what I just heard.

The next day I confronted my stepdad and told him that he ruined my snack

He said "yeah well you ruined mine too!"

I spent all night, thinking about how the sun comes up......

But then it dawned on me.

Last night I asked a girl what her name was, she said 'Emily Noel'.

So Emiy?

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Superman was taking a stroll one night

As he walks past the local church, the priest runs out to him and says "Superman, you've got to help us. The walls that lead to the basement has collapse, and there are people trapped down there!!

"No way", he replies. "I can't go near the crypt tonight!"

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I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl...

Ovinophobic drunk dad comes home late at night, belt in hand.

I pretended to be asheep.

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One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "...

I stayed up all night last night trying to remember....

the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

I got to meet all my fans last night

It was pretty cool

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My wife was calling out my name during sex the other night.

I hear her boyfriend is pretty upset about it.

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I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. Now, I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is...

...but she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts!

Got funky with your Grandma last night

You'd think the hardest part of it would be sticking it in the urn, but washing the ashes off was far worse.

I had a fantastic threesome last night.

A couple of people no showed but I still enjoyed myself.

On a rainy night , a man says to his girl. "Here, take this umbrella and get home safely." The girl asks, "What about you 😢 ?" The man says

I'll take the taxi

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

A diabetic kid died during the night.

His mother wished him "sweet dreams" before sleep.

I was at the gym last night

I noticed a hole in my trainer, it was just about big enough to fit my finger in.
Anyway she’s now made a formal complaint and I’m barred for life

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I slept with a blind woman last night

She said “ you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen” and I said “ no you’re just pulling my leg”

My pregnant wife starting feeling claustrophobic at night.

She was running out of womb.

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

I caught two bears banging around in the dumpster behind my house last night.

Apparently, their gym memberships expired.

A mime was arrested last night after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

One night while sweet talking before sleep.

The wife tells her husband. "I will make you the happiest man alive".

The husband replies, "I will miss you"

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

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I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional.

I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

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Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

I sleep all day and up all night

Guess I have bat habits : /

I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..

Talk about short arms long pockets...

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Ike calls his wife from the police station. He says he was arrested during 80’s night at the local bar.

“What happened?”, inquired his wife.

“You see...”, Ike replies, “...they were playing 80’s music that night, and drunk me had the bright idea of doing something related to the song that was playing at that moment.”

“...Would you mind elaborating?”

“Ok then,” sighed Ike, “One tim...

A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man f...

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same...

The other night I asked my buddy how many lovers he's had. He started counting and shortly after he just fell asleep.

I still don't know how many but it's more than 15 sheep.

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth

It Stings Like Hell

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.



“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared...

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

There were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum, one night they decided they didn't like that very much.

They decided to escape. They make it up to the roof and just across this narrow gap they see a rooftop stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across, no problem, but his friend? Oh no, he's afraid of falling. So the first guy, he has an idea, he says "hey! I ...

I really want to know where my dad goes at night.

Because my mom always yells that she's coming, too.

I spent hours last night throwing out all my herbs.

It was such a waste of thyme.

A very old man watches adult movie at night, alone....

Suddenly, his wife, a very old lady enters the room. Astonished, she shouts at him:



"What are you doing, Frank?"



"Be quiet dear. I am watching to see if they will marry after.."

Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.

So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, an...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

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Last night, while I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, I couldn’t help but wonder...

...where the fuck did the roof go?

Last night my girlfriend and I 96'd

She was so mad at me she slept at the other end of the bed facing the other direction

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My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

Or something like that...

I met this girl on a night out and told her that she had such a radiant smile...

I should've guessed she was from Chernobyl.

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?

Gladiator.

I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our forefather's created.

One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

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A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”

Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

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NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yel...

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

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A blonde and a brunette were chatting, the brunette says “I had sex with a Brazilian last night.”

The blonde says “You slut! How many is a Brazilian?”

A patient tells his doctor he dreams about playing soccer with donkeys every night

The **doctor** responds, "No need to worry, I've got just the right medicine for you".

Immediately the **patient** whimpers, "Well, can you prescribe me the medication tomorrow".

The **doctor** chuckles, "Why?".

The **patient** states, "*Tonight is our finals*".

Last night the school orchestra played Brahms.

Brahms lost.

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The cops in our town are looking for a guy who keeps pooping on people’s yards at night.

The police are calling him Public Enemy Number Two.

What does the farmer say to the cows at night?

It's pasture bedtime.

Me: Hey girl, want to have the greatest night of your life?

Her: Yes!

Me: Oh... well, never mind then.

On Bill and Hillary’s wedding night

On Bill and Hillary's wedding night, Bill said " I'll always be truthful to you Hillary, but promise you'll never open this shoebox.

Thinking it's a strange request, Hillary agreed that she never would.

On their 30th anniversary, she stumbles upon the box. Having kept her promise for ...

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I apologized to my wife last night because I wasn’t able to perform during sex.

There were no hard feelings.

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