Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night

Not Happy

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

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last night a girl asked me for sex and i had to disappoint her

we had sex

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

Rolled my first joint last night.

God my ankle hurts this morning.

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

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My favorite pornstar died last night.

I woke up today with mourning wood.

A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.

He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can't call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle ...

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They used to call me "the virgin" until last night's party

Now they call me "Drunky McShitpants"

I met a girl last night at a bar who said she could show me a good time.

When we left she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.42 seconds. Well she wasn't lying.

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

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My ex called me angrily last night and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. We broke up, remember?”

The pub was pretty wild last night,

Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times

Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

I told my wife that I just found out our neighbor died last night.

She said "Who? Ray?"

I said "I don't think cheering is appropriate."

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Last night I was too drunk to drive home from the bar, so I took the bus.

Now my wife wants to know what the fuck a bus is doing in our driveway.

So does this policeman.

Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"

I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."

Last night around 3 a.m. the neighbour rang my doorbell...

...he shocked me so much with it that I almost dropped the drill.

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My wife and I have been married for 30 years and have almost had sex every night!

We almost had sex last month, we almost had sex last week, we almost had sex last night and tonight will probably be more of the same.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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I paid a physic prostitute last night

She blew my mind

I spent twenty minutes trying to remember what the opposite of night was

In the end i had to call it a day

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

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I was having sex with my wife last night...

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

I watched a documentary on marijuana last night.

I really enjoyed it. From now on that's how i'm going to watch all documentaries.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend...

...and the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

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A man loves to duck hunt one night his wife asks to go with him the next day

He told her she could. The next morning he wakes up gets the dog, grabs the guns and the decoys and wakes her up. She looks at the clock, sees it’s 3:45 and tells him she’s going back to sleep. He says “you have 3 choices. You give me a BJ, you let me put it in your ass, or you’re going hunting. She...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

My girlfriend told me to give her The D last night

So i left her and now she has depression

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

A theif broke into my house last night...

He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

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Last night I took a call from an unknown caller who giggled as they asked if my fridge was running.

So I checked and geeze I was pissed. It had been and it left its muddy shoes lying by the front door.

last night I had a dream where I was eating the worlds largest marshmellow

then I woke up and said "hey wheres my pillow"

One night, my dog brings me my neighbour’s rabbit, dead in its mouth.

It’s dirty, definitely dead and I’m a bit drunk so I panic. My neighbours hate me anyway. This could get me evicted.

So I take the rabbit, meticulously wash off the dirt and dry it. Then I sneak over the fence and put it back in it’s hutch, leaving no trace. Job well done.

My neighbour...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. John...

A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she is a great mother, and is super nice.

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My Girlfriend invited me over last night.

I got to her house right as I got home. I walked in the door and the only person home was her sister.

I sit down next to her unbelievably sexy sister and we talk for a bjt. A while later she goes "you wanna have sex while my sister isn't home?"

I instantly got up and turned around back...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

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Last night in bed, as I gazed up at the stars, I thought to myself...

Where the fuck is my roof?

Three knife-wielding ghosts were arguing on a hilltop at night.

Each one of them claimed to be able to kill the most people in a short span of time.

Without further arguing, the first ghost flew off quickly to a distance, and returned an hour later. The blade of his knife was stained red, and all over his white cloak were dark red patches.

"See tha...

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[NSFW] Last night i took girl to my house..

..as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your ass?" She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?" I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

What does a priest do every night before bed?

Prey

As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.

The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity...

But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!

Last night i had a dream that i was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

When i woke up i realised it was just a fanta-sea

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

Last night I slept with a blind girl, she said I was the biggest she ever had

I said you’re pulling my leg

The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside.

“Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”

So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years.

Then, one night, while they are in b...

One hotdog says to another, “You been to that German night club yet?”

“Nah, too krauted.”

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

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Someone roofied my wife’s drink last night.

Best sex I’ve had in a while

A lady returns home late at night and finds one of her servants in her bedroom.

She approaches him and says, "Take off my shoes."

He takes off her shoes.

"Take off my dress."

He takes off her dress.

"Take off my bra."

He takes off her bra.

"And if I see you one more time dressing up in my clothes, you're *fired*!"

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

At dinner last night

The waiter kept making the freudian slip calling the caesar salad caesarean salad. I asked him if he had any natural births, because I am eating organic.

Nobody at the table found this funny so I thought I would share because I found it hilarious.

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NSFW I'm pretty sure James Bond was having sex in the hotel room next door last night!!!

All I kept hearing was his lover's voice screaming "***Roger Moore***"

I got caught up far too late in a great book last night.

I was up coloring til after 2am.

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Ted comes home completely drunk one night.

Ted comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. ...

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your ...

Last night I swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

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I was in bed last night with my wife...

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."

I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

It was a random night

I was playing this Harry Potter game and it was really late at night. So my mom came and told me to Quidditch.

Two guys are driving together late at night

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they ponder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

Did you hear about the family of chickpeas that were killed while eating dinner last night?

It was ruled a hummicide.

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Couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night

One of the guys says to his buddy: “Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age (72+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversat...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

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I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot and his Code Name was 'Chow Mein'. I said "correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"

To which he replied, "Yes but I was Chicken Chow Mein."....

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

I thought I was dreaming in color last night.

But it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I came on a blind girl's face last night

she didn't see me cumming

My wife and I watched 5 movies back to back last night....

Lucky for me, I was the one facing the TV!

I drank a lot of alcohol on the airport last night.

I now have a terminal hangover.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

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I was bringing the animals in for the night, when a sinkhole opened up and all four of my donkeys fell into it

"What an asshole!!!" I shouted

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I took the congresswoman out for a drink last night.

I ended up buttonholing her.

(Courtesy to my Gov teacher. Absolute mad lad.)

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I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night.

I wanted my first time to be special.

Police came around last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don’t even have bikes

The Night the Eiffel Tower’s Lights Went Out

One fateful night, the lights on the Eiffel Tower went out. It was, of course, a national tragedy for all of France and quite a problem, not the least of which being the fact that airplanes could very easily fly right into the thing.

The French government called every last engineer or electr...

Mrs Piggy and her husband got in a fight last night...

She's come out with a few bruises, but her husband is said to be Kermitose...

a knock-knock joke breaks into a bar in the middle of the night

the bartender who is sleeping in the back room is startled awake by the noise, and shouts, “who’s there?”

The police get a call about a house two blocks away when on the night shift...

The caller doesn't say much but she says she often sees lots of money coming and going from the house and hears machines running all night and day.

The police put together a swat team just in case things go sideways.

They bust down the door to the house and find row upon row of washin...

A pair of Nuclear Missle operators, one American, one Russian, had a one-night stand.

When they parted, each told the other, "I'll miss you."

I gave my girlfriend 9 inches last night.

It's a good thing she accepts installment payments.

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BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect

**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?

**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

I slept in a box last night and all my friends think I'm homeless now.

I forgot to call no hobo.

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i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night

thanks daylight savings

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NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

Last night, my girlfriend dramatically ripped the blankets off me...

Don’t worry I’ll recover.

Lined up a Threesome last night..

(NSFW) There were a couple of no-shows, but it was still a pretty good time

Last night I went to a bar and the craziest thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me!

On an unrelated subject... I suck at darts.

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

My Valentine's day night

My wife came home and looked at me. She tells me totake off her blouse, so I did. Now take off my bra, so I did. Now, take off my pants and panties. I did that as well.

As I'm standing there naked see says stop wearing my clothes you're stretching them out.

Teacher: The VSCO girl fell out from a plane last night.

Friend 1: Where did she fall from?
Friend 2: The sksksksky.

Last night, I watched a TV show about a girl who was bleeding uncontrollably.

It was a period drama.

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

Build a man a fire he’ll be warm for the rest of the night.

Light a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Every night I have a recurring dream that my best friend is sucking my dick.

Should I tell him that he’s gay?

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An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender sa...

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night...

Everybody came..

You should have seen her face

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first n...

If i’m the night guard at the Samsung factory, does that make me a…

Guardian of the galaxy?

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

wedding night

A christian man and a christian woman get married.

The problem is, they're too christian, they don't know what to do at the wedding night.

So the man asks his father about it, his father says: 'Well...you just use your hardest body part and bump where she pee.'

The next day the ...

Friend: "I created the brightest star in the night sky."

Me: "You can't possibly B Sirius."

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

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I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I off took my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept up the stairs very quietly..

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on a fucking bus!!!!!

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

I'm positive my wife has been putting superglue on my biceps at night

I asked her about it and she says no, but I'm sticking to my guns.

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband g...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone: I'm afraid of Grease- Summer Nights.

Therapist: Tell me more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night 2 robbers robbed my house, but all they took was soap.

Dirty bastards, cops said they got away clean.

Last night I had a dream about the Tiananmen Square Massacre

But I don’t remember it very well

A man is driving at a rainy night when one of his tire gets punctured

He stops under the only street light right infront of an asylum, trying to change his tire. With the corner of his eye, he notices a man is watching him from his cell. He doesn't pay attention and keeps changing his tire.

Since his hands were wet from heavy rain, he drops 3 bolts out of 4 int...

a man broke into the theatre last night during the performance

he stole the spotlight

After a long night at the bar dirk wants to go home.

When he tries to get off of his chair he immediately falls to the ground, the person next to him (Kees) lifts dirk up and insisted on bringing him home. So Kees drags dirk to his car and starts driving.

The whole time dirk tries to say no but can’t get it out because of the pain. Once they a...

A dad, and his son are staring into the night sky. “Dad, how do stars die?”

“Usually an overdose.”

Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.

I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"

I was having a heavy night last night and I said to myself, "self, you need to stop drinking right now."

But there was no way I was going to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

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