I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Three women were returning to their village one night.

They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so sh...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

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One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

​

“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a faith healer last night and he was fucking shit,

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

​

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

​

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and the eternal question was answered:

​

It was the chicken.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

One night last year I was about to propose to my roommate

One night last year I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say...

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Hospital: on the down side we lost power and back up power last night...

In the bright side we now have 42 open beds

My mother used to say "never come back home late at night"

I never disobey her. I come back early in the morning.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in vegas and decides to walk along the strip after a long night of gambling...

All of a sudden, the man is approached by a hooker.

Hoping to end the night well, the man asks "How much for a hand job?"

"$1000" replies the hooker.

"$1000? That's an insane amount for a hand job!" says the man as he begins to walk away.

The hooker stops him and says "Se...

Best Toast of the Night

John hoisted his beer mug and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She asked "what was yo...

I couldn't sleep last night..

.. because I was trying to remember the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

So my friend had a threesome last night, and was telling her blonde friend about it

My friend says, “I slept with two Brazilian men last night.”

Her friend asks, “Wait... how many zeroes are there in a Brazilian?”

What’s the opposite of Sad Pie Night?

You tell me ;)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel

"Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key. The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.

At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide ...

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears

BUMP!…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

BUMP…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

What happened when Thanos had a wild night at a local bar on Titan

He got infinity-stoned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave walked into the office, starting his lines with: "Hey guys, I had a weird dream last night"

"God himself asked if I want to improve my memory, but my dick size decreases, or the other way around, to-"

This is where I had to stop him.

"Dave, stop. You told us this story yesterday"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Brun...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

​

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

How do mansplainers sleep at night?

Well, actually.

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

I watched a documentary about hydroelectricity last night.

Best dam movie I’ve seen in a while.

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

My friend said he discovered the brightest star in the night sky.

There is no way he could possibly B Sirius.

How many M. Night Shyamalans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar...

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

You can always tell when you are getting a hand job from M. Night Shyamalan...

Because theres always a twist before the end

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

What's the difference between a night club and a strip club?

A night club has a beat that you can dance to.

Last night my girlfriend and I watched 3 DVDs back to back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.

​

“Yes, doe...

My friends dishwasher stopped cleaning last night.

The divorce is going to be expensive.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

Whoever took my herbs last night:

​

You’re living on borrowed thyme

I got kicked out of karaoke night for singing Footloose 5 times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum attempts to Loggins

I had a dream last night where I was drowning in an ocean made from orange soda...

It took me a while to figure out that it was a Fanta sea.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are out on a date night at a bar.

A drunk comes up to his wife and starts hitting on her. “Baby I'd fill your bathtub with beer and drink all of it after...”, Her husband steps in and tells him to get lost.

Another drunk comes up. “Honey I will fill my swimming pool with beer for you to swim and drink all of it...” Her husban...

My friend went to the doctor last night because he gets sick when he sees unwashed feet.

His doctor told him he's black toes intolerant

I haven't slept all night in the train.

Friend : Why??

Sardar : I had an upper berth.

Friend : Why didn't you exchange it?

Sardar : Bcos there was no one in the lower berth to exchange with.

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

Arya met the Night King for the first time.

Hence, she was just trying to break the ice with him.

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

​

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys picked a fight with me in a bar last night. I managed to knock one out.

Sure, it was a strange time to masturbate, but I didn't know if I was going to survive.

Two wives go out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

Tried dark humour last night.

Nobody could see the punchline

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

Why did the mover have Starry Night painted on his vehicle?

He wanted everyone to look at his Van Gogh.

What do you call an Irishman that hangs out outside all day and all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

I went to a costume party last night dressed as a pinata

The girls were beating me off with a stick

I go mugged by six dwarves last night.

Not happy.

At the end of our night my date said she didn't want to walk to the bus stop on her own.

I said, "You won't be on your own. There's a guy behind us in a massive trench coat who's probably going there too."

Someone broke into Battersea dogs home and released all the dogs last night...

The police are desperately looking for leads.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!

Dirty Bastards

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

Set a fire for a man, he'll be warm for a night

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock last night.

Bad Minton.

I could never understand how people could stay up all night...

and then it dawned upon me.

Went to a dance last night...

They played The Twist. I did The Twist.

They played The Macarena. I did the Macarena.

They played Come On Eileen. I got thrown out.

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I posted a picture of my butt online last night.

I made such an ass out of myself.

Typical Wednesday Night

So I walk into a bar, head straight to the bartender.

Bartender asks, “What can I get for you?”
I ask him to surprise me.

He then pulls out his phone and shows me a picture of my wife, naked.

A husband takes the wife to a night club.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

​

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if...

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

I went out to a fine Italian restaurant last night but there was a large woman blocking the entrance....

I couldn’t get pasta

Hey man, did I tell you I saw the author of Harry Potter when I was on ecstasy last night?

J.k. ... Rolling

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grief counselor passed away last night

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit

Last night I partied like Anakin Skywalker.

I killed a dozen Yuengling.

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

I was so close to having a threesome last night,

I just needed a couple more people to join me

I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night.

I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

A child comes to a carnival on the night before his 14th birthday.

They go to the "I bet I can guess your age" booth. The man says, "13 years old."

"Aw, man. You got me." said the kid.

"Nice try.", the man said. "Come back next year."

"I will!" the kid said in response.

A few hours later, he comes back to the stand.

"I've seen you...

An Irish priest was driving one night

when he gets pulled over by a police officer. Smelling alcohol, the officer walks up to the priest and asks, "have you been drinking tonight?" Holding a bottle of wine the priest answers, "no officer, just water." "So what's that in your hand", asks the officer. "Good Lord, he's done it again!" , ex...

Don't know if this is a Scam or not but I just got a text saying I’ve won £250 or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute night...

It said Press 1 for the money or 2 for the Show

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

What did the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 24 year old Instagram model last night. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon scent or vanilla.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wedding night with my wife was awkward...

When we undressed I told her she was beautiful and looked like a goddess in the moonlight. She told me it looked like my hard on was trying to ask my butt a question.

A blind deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night.

It was a senseless murder

As I regained consciousness in the hospital from last night's car crash

the doctors were trying to convince me I'm actually a Swedish guy who has forgotten his identity... But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday.

What is The Night Kings favorite color?

Burnt Umber.

I couldn’t sleep last night

My neighbor was bonking on my wall at 3:00 a.m. can you imagine? 3:00 a.m.? What an idiot! He was lucky I was just practicing on my trumpet.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to have safe sex last night...

I failed... I forgot the combination!

Some maniac broke my windows yesterday night.

What scares me is that he somehow got into my computer room.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses on last night...

My dreams never have been clearer.

After a night of passion with his girlfriend, this man notices a photo of a handsome young guy on her bedside table.

“Is he your brother?” the man asks hopefully.

“No,” she answers, kissing his ear.

“Is he one of your friends?” the man asks jealously.

“No, my dear,” she answers, clinging to him.

“But who is he?”

“It’s me... Before the surgery.”

Sir Lancelot comes into a hotel...

... and makes a reservation for one night.

I got so drunk last night

I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Suzie and Lauren went on a girls night out (nsfw)

And on the way home both really needed to piss. There were no restrooms about but there was a graveyard, so figuring no one would see them they jumped the wall and each squatted behind a tombstone.

"Suzie I've nothing to wipe my arse with." Lauren lamented, to which Suzie replied.

"Jus...

A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal.

“I can explain everything,” he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, “You’re darn right you’ve got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!”

After a heavy night at the pub...

...I was rudely awakened by my neighbor cutting his grass.

Sod it I thought - he can mow around me.....

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn't happy.

"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."

My neighbors leave their windows open, so last night

He conquered, She came, I saw.

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a disturbing dream last night in which I was shagging my best mate up the arse.

I think it's my subconscious telling me he's gay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...