A mathematician wants more excitement and wants to become a volunteer fireman on the weekends

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...

Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

I only drink on the weekends,

Friday thru Thursday.






(This used to be the case anyway. Today marks 10 years since my last drink. I am thankful to have made it this far and won't ever go back.)

Where do cows go on weekends??

To the ....



Moooooooovies.

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

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My boss just asked,

"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Mo...

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

I think weekends are made in China.

They don't last long.

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