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Game Jokes

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

what is Amber Heard's favorite board game?

**SCATAGORIE**

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Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

What is the favourite game of balding people?

Fallout.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the ga...

An avid football fan was at the game, seated in a first row seat on the 50 yard line anxiously awaiting the opening kickoff. The seat next to him was empty...

A man sitting further back in the stands, noticed the empty seat, so he got out of his seat and went down to talk with the guy. He asked if anyone was sitting in the empty seat. The guy said, "Nope, it's empty".

In total disbelief, The other guy said, "WHAT?? Who would leave the best seat ...

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

If Cersei Lannister was a video game,

She'd be Smash Bros.

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What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.

But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

I got SO ANGRY at the game the other day, I slammed my mouse...

The pet race was kinda awkward after...

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball to the spectators...

Apparently that's frowned upon in bowling.

How does Mario communicate after he dies in the game?

He uses a Luigi board.

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDr...

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

What is Owen Willsons favorite video game?

WoW

"Fortnite" is a terrible name for a game.

It's too weak.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

Never-ending game

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
...

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked...

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

What do you call a 60 year old striker who averages 3 goals a game?

Jerry-hat-trick

What is a Linux user's favorite game?

sudo ku

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turns out she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

Have you played the reddit apps drinking game?

You drink until the page loads. It took me three beers to make this post

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Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE: This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **

Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"

Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."

Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops h...

Wanna play Trump’s new Monopoly game?

Every place you land says *Go Directly to Jail*.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

The guessing game

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

\- "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts ou...

Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the ...

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play?

Marco Polio.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

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Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

An interesting game

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.

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Just heard this on a game chat...

What's the difference between you mama's ass & a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.



The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple w...

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

The big game hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he ...

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

My friend is kind of upset about which video game system to get.

Nobody can console him.

What does Senator Lindsey Graham, Upcoming Game of Thrones Book "Dream of Spring" and Video Game Star Citizen have in common?

None of them are ever coming out!





You're welcome

I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane

They told me the risk was too big.

Writing a funny joke is like playing a game of darts.

Sometimes you hit. Sometimes you miss, and sometimes you get sent to jail for manslaughter.

What’s a German janitor’s favourite game?

Mein Sweeper.

It's Only A Game?

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it pass...

Telltale games is closing down.

'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman

I had an idea for a fighting game..

But turns out, it was tekken

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

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I like my sex life like how I like my video games

Single player

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Hitler's Game

During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she fa...

What is a conservative provocatuer's favorite game?

Mad Libs

What's a bodybuilder's favorite arcade game?

"Ass-steroids." [(Asteroids)](https://youtu.be/_TKiRvGfw3Q)

A certain President of the Uinted States attends a World Series Game.

As the game is about to begin, the President grabs his wife and throws her through the window of the VIP box. As she lands on the horrified attendees seated below, a frantic aide comes running over yelling

"Nonononono, Mr. President! It's "throw the first *pitch*!"

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

"This is the biggest game of your life," my coach said.

Everyone was nervous, including me, and he wasn't making things easier.

He followed-up with, "Pretend like you're are going into combat."

That was it. That was the spark I needed. I waited for his back to be turned, and when it was, I snuck out of the locker room and started making my ...

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tak...

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." ...

What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game?

First person shooter.

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?

Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.

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I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.


Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.


Me: I want 2 die.


Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.


Me: I want 2 die alone.

Scotsman at a Yankees game

So a Scotsman goes on vacation to NYC, and decides to take in a Yankees home game, as he didn't understand baseball and wanted to learn more.

So he settles into his seat and the game starts. In the top of the second inning, he sees the pitcher walk the batter.

The Scotsman, not unders...

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Animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the tea...

Marriage is like playing a card game.

In the beginning, two hearts and a diamond are more than enough.

By the end, though, you want a club and a spade.

My frien Ann and I played a board game

She wanted to play Quiz It, and got a rather interesting trivia question.

"Whom were the Dutch at war with from 1568 to 1648?"

"I don't know. It must have been a neighbour, because that makes sense. I guess it was the French."

"No sorry, it was the Spanish."

"The Spanish...

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Great Golf Game

This guy was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been i...

You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?

It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.

Which Pokemon in-game item should you never give to your Trans friends?

And Ether. It restores pp...

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

Why are jokes about game developers always so funny?

They work on so many levels

NFC Championship game

A guy goes to the NFC championship game. He's got great seats, right on the 50 yard line. He looks over and there is an old man sitting next to an empty seat. So he asks, Do you know who this seat belongs to?

The old man says yes, my wife and I have been coming to these games for 40 years. T...

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*The TV Game*

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns...

My flasher friend said he was thinking about retiring from the game

But I convinced him he should stick it out a bit longer

Who would win in a drinking game between an Irishman and a Scotsman?

The distillery.

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

Yesterday my computer beat me in a chess game.

It’s still no match for me at kickboxing though.

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Theres a wrestler training for the Olympic games.

Trainer trained him hard. Ran 10 miles a day. The day of the Olympics came and he was in amazing physical condition. First guy he had to fight was a German. He beat him. Next was an Australian beat him, the French beat them.

Last guy he had to fight was a great big hairy Russian. The co...

What is an ISIS member's favorite game?

Jenga.

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My brother and I made a bet— whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

What is Putin’s favourite card game?

Bridge

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

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How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.

We don't talk about Uno.

What workplace game do scientists like to play?

Formaldehyde-and-go-seek

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

Why does the foot fetishist keep losing his games?

Because he loves defeat

The poker game

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit...

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The wife and the game warden

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Wa...

I think EA should make a game about the maritime shipping industry

EA Ports

What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

The numbers game

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. ‘Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!’ goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s wards.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small cr...

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